The Japan Wanko

Mosaic shortage sends panic pulsating through AV industry

2015年9月2日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

The mosaic shortage is likely to see even more focus on breasts than usual.

A spate of typhoons in western Japan has caused serious problems in the Japanese erotic motion picture industry due to a sudden scarcity of mosaic. Shimane prefecture, home to Japan’s largest mosaic mine, was hit by 3 typhoons during August, leaving customers dealing with the shortfall in procurement.

“This is unprecedented,” said Todai Migaki of the WMW MWM consulting firm. “What we have here is an industry which is over reliant on one supplier. And its typhoon strategy never consisted of anything more than crossing its fingers and hoping.

Sexy gowns covering the naughty bits for the duration may become the order of the day.

“While the industry won’t be grinding to a halt, it will have to prioritize. Full-nudity gang-bangers will obviously have to be put on ice, and all actresses doing uniform fetish work have been told to keep their kit on for as long as possible. The lesbian kiss genre won’t be affected, so some of the female gang-bangers might be encouraged to broaden their minds in order to pay the rent.”

Some companies have already started to ration their mosaic, with fears that the crisis could last for months. Options are also limited due to the unique form of Japanese perverted sex customs, which has led to the importation of foreign mosaic being ruled out.

This young lady is actually a newsreader, She isn`t involved in the AV industry... unfortunately.

This young lady is actually a newsreader. She has absolutely no involvement in the AV industry… unfortunately.

“The biggest change will be seen in fellatio scenes, especially where we see the actress lather the shaft with her saliva prior to giving it a good lick, caress and suck, with the microphone treble level set to extreme,” explained Migaki. “Well… As every J-porn connoisseur knows, those scenes use an abundance of mosaic. So fans of this kind of stuff are probably going to have to go back over old catalogues.”

It’s not all doom and gloom, as Migaki pointed out, “I’d urge all punters to turn this into an opportunity to try a soft-porn flick, or even get into the 2^nd hand shops to buy an oldie from the 90’s. At the end of the day, the AV industry wants to make sure that no semen goes unwanked at any time during this crisis.”

New US drama to feature Japan loving geek who reads manga

2015年8月1日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

One Piece’s Monkey D Luffy will be often quoted by America’s new favorite lab geek.

The word is out that American TV executives have been wetting their pants with excitement over the new drama, Central Sports Investigation Agency, which casts a spotlight on the recently established agency of the same name. It’s been hailed as the new big thing in modern drama, with writers given the heads up to cook up enough material for at least three series.

The new lab geek will make Bones’ Zac look like a sociable, everyday kind of guy.

“It’s a new agency, but the show is the same old formula,” explained NABC’s West Coast Vice Regional Marketing Manager, Buddy Connors. “The show features stories involving things like sports betting, match-fixing, the coveting of teammates’ wives, and doping. The background connecting thread is the unravelling of the mysterious story of a stolen playbook which may have been used to win the Superbowl in 1974. It’s basically a plot that we’ve pinched from The Brady Bunch.”

This guy better prepare to be completely outgeeked. Face it - he even reads books that feature no illustrations.

This guy better prepare to be completely outgeeked. Face it – he reads books that don’t feature any illustrations.

Sitting in his plush office, surrounded by numerous two-shots of himself with legends such as Tina Yothers, Max Wright, and Ted Lange, Connors could barely contain himself as he gushed forth about the characters. “The obligatory quirky character in the lab is a manga loving geek who knows absolutely nothing about sport, which causes all kinds of confusion. While the tough investigators tell stories about John Elway and Derek Jeter, the geek tells stories about Son Goku and the Monkey D Luffy. He gets no respect initially, but when his manga-based ideas start contributing to the solving of cases, a rapport develops. The single women aged 35-49 are going to love it.”

This chick will be referred to as, "The normal one," after the NSIA geek hits the screens.

This chick will be referred to as, “The normal one”, after the CSIA geek hits the screens.

Connors went on to stress that, despite the geek character’s love of Japanese culture, there is no truth in the rumour that he’ll be wiping the sweat off his brow with a pair of schoolgirl knickers in every episode.

Kiwis turn Yoyogi into Park of the Long White Cloud

2015年7月1日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

Yoyogi Park was sprayed for Australians beforehand.

Yoyogi Park was sprayed for French people beforehand.

Tokyo’s Yoyogi Park in June. It’s overcast. The grass is usually damp. It’s hardly the place to be. Those who go there kind of wish they could be somewhere else. Therefore, conditions were perfect for the first ever New Zealand Festival in Tokyo which was held on the weekend.

Lamb! Lamb! Lamb! The Kiwis wouldn`t dream of putting salad anywhere near this.

Lamb! Lamb! Lamb! The great Kiwi dish. And there was lots of pavlova to go around to complete the traditional Kiwi meal.

Even before entering the park, festival goers were greeted with the inviting aroma of roast lamb and traditional Maori fare. Head Chef Craig Sneddon happily spruiked the mouth-watering choices, “We`ve got a range of fine food here from all corners of the country. I tell you – you wouldn’t find this quality at other festivals, such as the one the Australians put on.”

The legendary Black Magic on dry land, where it belongs.

Rugby obviously plays a big part in Kiwi culture, but it was the America’s Cup winning yacht Black Magic on display which caught the attention of most people. “Besides the USA, New Zealand is the only Pacific Ocean nation to win the America’s Cup and defend it successfully,” explained boating enthusiast Hamish McKechnie, before he added, “That’s because Australia lost it straight away.”

Many in the crowd freaked out when they saw women, rather than A-cup girls, dancing on stage.

Transporting the yacht through Tokyo and into Yoyogi Park must have been a logistical nightmare, but then nobody beats the Kiwis for sheer bloody-mindedness. Don’t forget, that when you are looking at a white New Zealander, you are looking at someone whose ancestors not only chose to sail around the world to live on an island with perhaps the scariest natives in history, but then got together with said natives and volunteered for the really, really, dangerous missions in two world wars. And don’t forget, that when you are looking at a Kiwi of Maori heritage, you should probably stop it before they make eye contact.

Just like the South Island; it`s nice enough, but there`s not a hell of a lot happening.

Festival goers appreciated the DJ’s mix of songs by Kiwi bands such as Crowded House and 30 Odd Foot of Grunt.

The festival site began to look a little sleepy and desolate in the afternoon, which reminded the Dunedin folks of home, but that was before the Ram-It-Up ’15 Mega Dance Party kicked off. Young ravers, many who appeared to be off their tits in a big way, brought an almost tangible energy to the festival. Nick Edgar, from the non-government aligned New Zealand Narcotics Awareness Organization, mingled with the sweaty throng while giving helpful tips, “Try to hide the smell of hash by lacing your joints with speed. You should always knock back a few shots of whiskey too.

“While weed is illegal here in Japan, the cooler cops just turn a blind eye. Some asshole cops will confiscate your stash, but that`s where it ends. I’ve seen people from South America and Africa getting a hard time, however Americans can just show their passports. The cops will back off then, so they can do whatever they want. Therefore, I tell the all the Kiwis to party with a Yank so they can carry their stash for them.”

That’s a huge crowd, but they`ve just seen a concert at the adjacent National Gymnasium, and have no interest in the festival.

Festival Organizer Rachel Coney said that the modest turnout was still encouraging. Coney, whose friends all live in Sydney these days, explained that the numbers were in fact good when you consider the size and population of New Zealand. “There are more people in Shibuya at Halloween than in the whole of Auckland. More than anything, we’ve successfully shown Japanese people that there’s more to NZ than just sheep and rugby, although only a little bit more.”

Dave Spector’s hair “not expected to see Christmas”

2015年6月2日 | Author: T. Tamm

Spector and that hair that’s been sprayed more than the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

The light-entertainment and parochial-news industries were today coming to terms with the news that American source-of-common-knowledge Dave Spector’s hair was fighting for survival.

Spector’s hair, which has received more treatment than an aging pitcher’s shoulder, is not expected to last more than six months. Doctors at the Ushikome Hospital explained that the follicles and scalp had simply taken too much punishment over a long period of time, and couldn’t be expected to continue to cope with the daily onslaught. A grim-faced Spector was seen leaving the exclusive medical facility late last night.

Resident intellectual Robert Campbell already has the bald white turf staked out

Resident intellectual Robert Campbell has the bald white turf staked out.

The jury is out as to what Spector’s greasy combed-back yellowy hair may have originally looked like, but it`s now the future which interests most commentators. Said self-styled TV expert Fuka Asamade, “Baldness is the number one killer of television careers, especially in Japan, so people are beginning to wonder whether they’ll have to put up with Spector on their screens for much longer, particularly when there’s a bald white guy doing the rounds already. The market may not want a second.”

Spector seems determined to put on a brave face and get down to business as usual, which basically means that he’ll be explaining the zeitgeist to morons who don’t read newspapers, as well as delivering the occasional witty one liner which his co-panelists won’t understand, because their idea of champagne comedy is two grown men hitting each other with plastic mallets.

Miranda strikes a blow for western women in Japan

2015年5月1日 | Author: G. Jincarde

Take that J-females! Ms Kerr outshines a slightly miffed looking Ebichan.

Take that J-females! A radiant Miranda Kerr outshines a slightly miffed looking Ebichan.

Western women residing in Japan have long had a list of commonly loathed characters. Topping the list has usually been the white guy who isn’t even good looking who they saw with the cute local lady at the train station last week. Indeed, the sight of a dorky, weedy, pasty guy doing well for himself can really rile a sex-starved woman up. A common heroine, on the other hand, has been pretty hard to find. That all changed, however, with the arrival of Miranda Kerr on the modelling scene in Japan.

Kerr, with her dazzling smile and honey-brown locks, has been able to sweep all before her, landing juicy contracts and brushing local stars such as Yuri Ebihara to one side during her recent tour. Davo Michaelson, Kerr’s spokesperson, took time out from checking the protein levels in his turds and spoke exclusively to The Wanko. “Miranda wasn’t aware of the significance of upstaging a Japanese woman until she started getting e-mails of gratitude from western women in Japan.”

Ellen attempts a smile while Satomi shines at the Juno promotion in 2008.

Ellen attempts a smile while local actress Satomi Ishihara captures hearts at the Juno promotion in 2008.

Michaelson went on to explain how conscious Kerr is of their plight. “She feels proud to have struck a blow for all those women who are snuggling into their futons with nothing but a Tenga Iroha Fit vibrator for company.”

It turns out that it’s not only white women residing in Japan who are reacting with glee at Miranda`s triumph. “She got an e-mail from Juno actress Ellen Page who apparently was on the receiving end of some Japanese glamor a few years ago. Well, Ellen’s been taking a vicarious delight in what’s unfolding, and she’s even made an offer to take Miranda out for a romantic evening when she’s in Sydney next. It’s unlikely that Miranda will take her up on the offer though, mainly because she prefers really rich people who have penises.”

Indicating that he had to get back to his protein assessment (“Those turds won’t analyze themselves.”), Michaelson was keen to leave us in no doubt that he was happy with the bond being created between Ms Kerr and her new fans. “We at Team Miranda are constantly worried that women see her as little more than a mannequin with a pulse. Therefore, we’re over the moon that she’s seen as a representative for any group of women, albeit such a sad and bitter bunch in this case.”

Power in the hands of language school manager – and he’s firmly gripping it!

2015年4月2日 | Author: Wilhelm Stefans

The great black-backed gull native to southern Alaska produces more methane in one year than an infant pig.

It’s a long way from Anchorage to Tokyo, and there are a lot fewer wild animals in Tokyo too. But that hasn’t stopped rotund and balding 37 year old Paul Johnson getting ahead in an “if those guys from back home could see me now…” kind of way.

Johnson doesn’t really have any fond memories of life back in Alaska. He worked for the Alaskan Environmental Protection Authority, where his chief responsibility was sucking the farts out of dead seagulls’ bumholes. It’s believed that Johnson’s conscientiousness resulted in a ton of methane being removed from the atmosphere.

But he found himself overlooked for a well-earned promotion, which would have seen him move on to seals or moose. “I hated it. My job sucked. My boss was a prick, and my family never really embraced my choice of lifestyle in the way I had hoped. I had the right qualifications and experience for advancement, but I was constantly overlooked by my dickswinging boss, who got ahead thanks to my stats.”

Johnson was keen on having us publish a photo of his face, but he permitted a shot of his hands and thighs.

Johnson wasn’t keen on having us publish a photo of his face, but he permitted a shot of his hands and thighs.

Luckily for Paul, he was able to turn his life around by moving to Tokyo 4 years ago. With the high turnover rate at his company, Paul now finds himself with a bit of power for the first time. “Look at me now! I’m manager of an English conversation school in Kokubunji, and I’ve got a dozen young teachers under me.

“Have I brought over baggage from the States? You bet I have. This is my turf now, and those recent college graduates know it. You want a day off to see a band at the Budokan? Tough. You want time off so that you can take your parents to Kyoto? Stiff shit. You feel a bit off color? Well… You best finish your schedule, or I’ll dock you a full day’s pay. And if you’re a handsome young man, I’m going to stand right close to you when you’re sitting down, so that my semi-erect knob is no more than 4 inches from your face.”

Well… His name is Johnson!

Johnson does have a non-business side, which he likes to show to his staff by inviting himself along to the izakaya they frequent. “Some of the newbies have trouble with the Japanese words when ordering and I like to help them out, after I snigger at them first. Then I like to hold court by going on and on and on about my four Fuji climbing experiences, and all the festivals that I’ve attended. Finally I’ll bring out the picture of me dancing while wearing the big penis costume at the Fertility Festival. That’s when I eyeball everyone and deliver my golden line, “Listen up everyone! There’s only one swinging dick in the hallways at Union English Academy in Kokubunji, and it belongs to me.” ”

Fastidious weirdo hits the century mark for used-panties

2015年3月4日 | Author: Wilhelm Stefans

Teenage schoolgirls like these can often find themselves being targeted by used-panty fetishists, and opportunist upskirt photographers.

Despite an aversion to uncleanliness which would put microbephobic Howard Hughes to shame, 46 year old radio broadcast archivist, Kazuhito Endo, has managed to collect 100 pairs of used panties worn by schoolgirls. He reached this special milestone last month thanks to an enterprising 18 year old from Aichi whom he met in an apparently unmonitored internet chat room.

Randy perverts have typically expressed a desire for soiled panties, whether it be from droplets of urine, a patch of mickey juice, or even a light skidmark. What’s especially strange about Endo is that he only accepts the underwear after it’s been washed. “Make no mistake – I want to know that they’ve been worn. But I’m a guy who brushes his teeth five times a day and washes his hands every hour. Why should I drop my standard of hygiene when I want to get horny?”

These panties could easily be turned into a fistful of yen, if she’s from the right prefecture!

While quietly proud of notching up the big 100, Endo laments that he’s been unable to complete his All-Japan collection. Since panties from Tottori, Shimane and Akita have so far proved elusive, Endo is yet to tick off all 47 prefectures from his list (although the 23 wards of Tokyo are all accounted for). It’s through this article that Endo hopes to reach out to girls in those regions. Says Endo, “The average age in those regions is much higher than the national average, so it’s only natural that schoolgirl panties are much harder to come by there. Some towns have barely any schoolgirls, a fact reflected in market prices for panties from certain areas.”

Underage ladies out to make a quick and easy profit may contact Endo via facebook, or drop us a line here at The Japan Wanko. But suppliers are urged by Endo to remember his golden rule, “Clean. Make sure they’re clean. I can’t stand the smell of pussy. The scent of a just ripened teenager’s vagina sickens me.”

Outcry grows over gay porn chest hair

2015年2月2日 | Author: M. Hardwick

It`s always tease, tease, tease for some models who are reluctant to get it all off.

It’s always tease, tease, tease. But a glimpse is all we need to see that this guy is free of chest hair.

The appearance of a Japanese gay porn star sporting chest hair has led to discussion threads heating up, and a movie company’s site crashing, unable to cope with the heavy traffic. As yet the Boys4Men film company hasn’t responded to the flood of criticism which overwhelmed them last week, but pressure from fans around the world is likely to force the company to release a statement in relation to its controversial movie.

Traditionally, J-gay porn stars have always appeared toned and shaven, their smooth olive-toned pectorals and brown nipples tantalizingly visible. That wasn’t the case, however, in the recently released, “College Boy must earn his Brown Wings”. The controversy starts at the 6:30 mark of the movie (if that’s what I may call it), when hugely popular actor Mashiro Ketsu takes off his Hermes business shirt to proudly reveal a sparse covering of chest hair to his younger colleague. The homosexual side of the internet has been in a lather ever since.

No hair. No fat. No obvious blemishes or strange pigmentation. This is what the punters want to see.

No chest hair. No fat. No obvious blemishes or strange pigmentation. This is the only thing that the punters want to see… for starters.

A gay porn appreciation group, known as the “Gay Porn Appreciation Group”, have released a statement saying, “Do we want hair on our Far-East porn stars’ chests? Never. Never. Never!”

“If this becomes the norm, we’ll end up in a dark tunnel with no path out. Dreamy, kissable pecs will become unknown to our community,” observed the prolific poster, up4zenbu.

Bob Foch, leader of the American Homosexuals For Jesus Movement, also found time to get his view across, “If anyone had told me a few years ago that I’d be viewing hairy chested J-gay porn, I would have been unbelieving.”

Another Christian gay site, Hot Cross Buns, posted, “We must save sodomy in that part of the world from chest hair.”

What right does this female have to rake her fingernails over his chest.

Just what right does this female think she has to rake her fingernails over his chest!?

“Save us from this chest hair madness,” screamed the gay porn review website, Backdoor and Beyond.

And Canada’s celebrity horticulturalist, Arthur Peos, chimed in to say,“I am not going to sit down and view hairy men from the Orient. It’s grossly unattractive and it’s horrifying to many people.”

But for some, the chest hair is no concern, as one poster wrote, “Ketsu was probably ordered by the producers not to wax his front. I doubt it was his decision. Anyway, I’m more interested in the area south of the chest. You see, I love nothing more than snorting cocaine out of my Taiwanese boyfriend’s bumcrack. And he keeps that bumcrack super smooth… on my orders!”

Tobacco. It’s sexy.

2015年1月2日 | Author: Suzie Ardon

Japanese Government to introduce a foreign policy

2014年12月2日 | Author: T. Tamm

Zuckerberg assumes Abe needs him to get the youth vote, not realizing that such a thing doesn’t exist in Japan.

The Japanese Government today announced plans to form a foreign policy during the 2015 calendar year. The move comes after years of adopting hollow positions on just about everything, where official statements have meant little more than saying, “It’s a difficult situation,” and,”We need to think carefully about this.”

The ruling Liberal Democratic Party, which is dominated by older men who quite possibly spent a tremendous amount of time during their teenage years pleasuring themselves with their sisters’ knickers, has shown great enthusiasm for the unexpected move.

“We’ll be taking the lead on various global issues,” stated Assistant Under Secretary Tetsuya Morimoto. “And we may even adopt positions which are at odds with the USA. If that’s the case, then so be it.”

Morimoto then quickly added, “Obviously, this kind of thing would be rare, and the issue wouldn’t be a major one either.”