New Zealander celebrates 20 years of telling his wank/fart anecdote

Shrimpton pictured in his younger days around the time when the incident occurred.

Anyone who has learnt a second language will probably recall an experience where they’ve made a howling error whilst attempting to communicate with others.  We’ve all heard the story about the man mistakenly calling a server’s mother a filthy harlot while trying to order a coffee and cake.  And you’ve probably heard the one about the lady unknowingly inviting a policeman to ravish her back at her hotel when trying to ask for directions.  

It’s no different here in Japan either, as 45 year old Geoff Shrimpton has made everyone in his immediate circle, outer circle, and vicinity in restaurants aware over the past two decades by telling the same slightly amusing story once a month.  “Has it really been that long?” he asked.  “My friends tell me that they’ve heard the story so many times over the years, but I can’t believe that it was 1999 when it happened.”

As the Dunedin native eagerly regaled, “One night when my then girlfriend was getting into bed I told her that I had just masturbated, but the reality was that, rather than stroking my sausage, I had actually just farted.”  The uncharismatic Kiwi then went on to explain the similarity in pronunciation while unsuccessfully trying to stifle giggles.

To onani or to onara? This is how Shrimpton likes to remember his girlfriend. NB Woman pictured not actually Shrimpton’s girlfriend.

“She actually believed that I’d just knocked one out while she was showering and prettying herself in anticipation of some hot love action.  I only realized that I’d used the wrong, albeit similar sounding word when she reacted with disproportionate dismay. And she didn’t even notice the smell of foul, anally-emitted, Thai curry gas.

“Seriously, you just had to be there ‘coz her face was a picture of disappointment and confusion.  Looking back at it all now, I wish someone else had been there to share the experience, someone like an adventurous female college student or a broad-minded bank clerk still in her uniform.  We could have shared the laughter and much, much more.  Yeah… That would have been nice.”

Realizing that everyone has heard his wank/fart story at least once, Shrimpton is now concentrating on telling the story about how his cute friend had once told him that she “ate out her sister in Shinjuku last night”.

So you really want to seduce a Japanese man…

Japan is overflowing with dreamboats like this.

Whether it be sex with Japanese women in hot tubs, sex with Japanese women in bondage, or sex with Japanese women in role-play scenarios, it’s all been written. Sex with Japanese men?  Well that’s where sex educator Heike Scheidentaucher stepped in.  She’s written a book about it, so naturally she was only too happy to sit down with me to explain the ins and outs of making love to a Japanese man.

“The first thing to remember is to comment positively on the girth of his member. I’ve had my share of Benjamins, Jean-Lucs, and Renaldos, and there’s not that much size difference.  Besides, I’ve almost been split in two by a hotel clerk in the Dutch Antilles.  Let me tell you that I seriously do not need that again,” asserted the 36 year old German author.

Style and vigor come together perfectly here.

“Many Japanese men have an overwhelming fear of being laughed at by a white person, which is weird in itself considering the caliber of westerners that you see in Japan.  Still, your Japanese partner needs to be assured.  Compliment him whenever possible.   Japanese men rarely receive praise in their lives, so tell him that you find his ass sexy as you walnut him up to the proximal interphalangeal joint.” 

Scheidentaucher spoke keenly, almost frantically, of her wish that western women experience a pleasurable sex life in Japan.  “I tell all women to go conservative, rather than suggestive.  Choose The Sting soundtrack or Disney Jazz for background music.  Prepare fish and miso, not oysters.  Wear something innocent, yet still easily accessible.  Avoid wearing knickers of dark hue, otherwise he’ll think you might pass on a rash or something.

Young men in Tokyo are lying around waiting for the right women.

“Offer him something a local woman can’t, such as a good handjob or oral sex that isn’t all teeth. Focus on him and make the adjustments accordingly.  Remember that you’re straddling a man, not a race.  Be assertive while making him feel that he’s in control.  So, you’ll probably end up having passive-aggressive sex, if anything. ”

At this point, Scheidentaucher sighed slightly and rolled her eyes, “Of course, if this all fails, just go to Plan B.  That means putting on a some kind of kinky uniform and telling him that you think you’ve had a bit too much to drink.”

* “Landing a Rising Son” by Heike Scheidentaucher is available at Amazon.

Sean Connery’s Japanese ability apparently now at zero

Perhaps the world’s great ever Japanese Culture Expert.

Sean Connery’s family have revealed that the ageing actor is struggling with his memory so much that he has well and truly forgotten the handful of Japanese words that he learnt for his lead role in the 1993 movie Rising Sun.

Connery’s connection with Japan goes back a long way to his James Bond days, where he got acquainted with women with seriously good English skills.  He starred in 1968’s You Only Live Twice, although his character wasn’t required to speak Japanese at all, despite claiming to have majored in “oriental languages” at university.

Packing heat in 1974’s Zardoz.

A close friend of the family who often visits for tea and crumpets by the pool reported the somber news earlier this week.  “He can certainly still act, but producers shouldn’t expect him to be able to speak Japanese, or do accents for that matter.

“It’s particularly hard on his family who can’t comprehend how a man such as Mr. Connery is having trouble recalling his much loved second language, while still having clear and vivid memories of making Zardoz.”

Westerners in Japan finally get a Voice

Hepburn knows how to attract attention, without selling out.

With a face best suited to radio, Kingsley Hepburn knows that he’s taking risks getting out in front of the camera, but he’s a guy who’s always been more comfortable pushing the envelope.  “Kenny Loggins’ big hit “Danger Zone” is more or less how I live my life,” says the 45 year old from Connecticut.  “By doing vlogs in Japan, I’ve taken a ride into the danger zone, and I haven’t left it.”

Hepburn likes to shine a light on matters which westerners are confronted with on a day-to-day basis.  “We’re talking about trying to buy Mexican avocadoes which are more green than black at the supermarket.  We focus on how it feels to go to sleep at night knowing that an important football game will be played and won before you wake up.  And it’s about going out to a restaurant that supposedly serves food from your home country, but then finding out that the taste of the food is just a tiny bit different to exactly how you expected it to be.

Everyone wants to be on Hepburn’s channel.

“We don’t just serve the interests of Americans overseas either.  For example, we focus on Australians who have never even been to America being expected to answer questions about America. The culture there is more or less the same, but it can’t be easy for them.

“You won’t find any clichéd scenery on my channel.  I tend to steer clear of Shibuya, Asakusa, and Odaiba most of the time.  Instead, I prefer to show my viewers mountains, rivers, and old towns that aren’t really worth visiting.”

Despite having low viewer numbers at present, Hepburn guarantees that he won’t change his formula of being on screen at an awkward angle 90% of the time.  And in a bid to attract masturbators looking for fresh inspiration, his hot Japanese girlfriend, who fell for his arthouse cinema director spiel, features in every other episode.

More Japanese Than Japanese

Good timing: These commuters managed to avoid peak hour in Tokyo.

27 year old Englishman Warwick Greenwood was paid the ultimate compliment after allowing passengers to alight prior to boarding a train yesterday.  “Wow! He’s more Japanese than Japanese,” exclaimed 72 year old Chikubi Minimimuki, who was perhaps expecting Greenwood to barge his way onto the train mouthing obscenities, before forcing a pregnant woman out of her seat.

A train just like the one that where Greenwood displayed his Wabisabi soul.

Assuming that Greenwood was visiting Japan as a tourist, Minamimuki added that it would only be right that someone so in tune with the culture sampled the delights of Japan during his visit, suggesting that he start with tempura, ramen, and omurice.  The recommendations came with a caveat, however. “The Japanese have such a delicate sense of taste, among the world’s highest level.  So, he may not be able to fully appreciate this unique cuisine.” 

Attractive white guy spotted at The Hub in Shibuya

Many ladies were happy to overlook the fact that the hot guy was drinking bottled beer at a bar.

Saturday night at a pretty ordinary drinking establishment in Shibuya saw dozens of jaws dropping as an almost mythical hot white guy was spotted quaffing lager at one of the frisbee-on-legs that they have there.

“Y’know, he’s so good looking that he could actually pick up a girl in his hometown,” gushed 24 year old Jill Stanley.  

As he wavered between ordering fish & chips and chicken & chips (He chose fish!), 28 year old sex god Josh Devenish-Meares explained what a guy like him was doing at the chain pub. “I’m taking a break from my regular tofu bar and Kagoshima chicken izakaya. An English teacher acquaintance of mine suggested that I come here for a change. It’s a friendly place.”

The regular guys usually take full advantage of the dim lighting when they strut and swagger around the place.

“Just tell me he’s not gay… or an English teacher… or a translator… or a code monkey for that matter,” begged 26 year old Simone Canmore.

“I have nothing but respect for all of the language teachers in this city,” continued the considerate and charming American. “They’re real troopers, working until nine o’clock every night. That takes a certain amount of dynamism. I’m usually home by six watching Netflix, so they have my admiration.”

“I’m one of those bitter white women who’s been here too long, and I’ve seen enough to have developed a certain level of contempt for all western men, but even now as I talk to you I can feel my panties moistening,” panted 29 year old Laurier Edmonton.

Posh beer wankers, or is the tap beer really that bad?

“Life in Tokyo is a real eye-opener for me,” enthused the sparkling dreamboat as his nipples pressed gently against his shirt. “Back in my hometown I spent weekends cycling, swimming, and taking part in community reforestation projects.  I take it easier in winter though, just hosting dinner parties and cooking cannelloni, lomo saltado, or something with my tagine.”

“I guarantee that my knickers will be around my ankles for this guy, just as soon as I can confirm that he’s not a German banker,” asserted 34 year old Melanie Strathcona.

Devenish-Meares was last seen with a sexy young local lady, who was gently leading the conversation toward the likelihood of him buying an apartment in either New York City or Los Angeles in the near future.

2020 Olympic power set to come from Deep Down Within

Perhaps with an eye on an easy promotion, shameless executive members clamored to be the one to make the announcement.

 

The ubiquitous, filthy, disgusting, and vile sound of old men coughing can be annoying for anyone unfortunate to be near when god knows what is being expelled, but it is also set to become the sound of environmentally friendly energy at the 2020 Olympics.

The news was announced after boffins from the Ushikome Institute of Science and Technology managed to come up with a way to harness energy from the coughs of bitter old locals; enough energy in fact, to power the gymnastics center.

 

After the initial childish jostling had subsided, the real heroes were given their due recognition by the gathered dignitaries.

 

“With all the Chinese, Koreans, Russians, and Americans involved, the gymnastics center seemed like the logical place for this new source of power generation,” explained Musei Maehada.  “We’ll be lining a thousand unhappy oldies near the entrance, attaching oxygen mask-like harnesses to their faces, and waiting for the exaggerated coughing to begin.”

It’s expected that the mere presence of thousands of foreigners on Japanese soil will trigger enough passive aggressive coughing to ensure a reliable energy supply. However, organizers are more than prepared in case there’s a shortfall.  “Sure, we’re Japanese, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll put ourselves in a position where we’ll be forced to pursue reactionary solutions,” said Maehada. “If we’re not meeting our energy demands, we plan to get some mixed race couples to either make out in front of the oldies, or try to engage them in conversation.”

 

Despite the exciting new development, some conservative commentators joined forces to voice doubts on its reliability.

 

Maehada also addressed the theory that the use of Olympic judo rules would be a more affective way of generating power.  “While provoking the old men by asserting that the Olympic rules of judo are fair and rooted in tradition would indeed get a reaction, we’re still a fair way off producing energy from irrational anger alone.  Quite simply, there needs to be an understandable and measurable output of energy.”

It’s rumored that 2025 Osaka World Expo officials will also be considering the same technique, but we won’t be following up on that because nobody gives a tuppeny fart about World Expo anymore.

Future unclear for misunderstood, unregulated industry

An exhausted and disillusioned surf lifesaving team go through the motions at a Kanto beach in August.

 

It’s a well-known fact that Japanese people have very ordinary swimming skills. Indeed, success in the Olympic pool can distract us from the Island Nation Water Sports Rankings (INWSR) where Japan comes stone motherless last *.  This has led to Surf Lifesaving teams at crowded beaches being overwhelmed and stretched to breaking point, as more and more people struggle to stay afloat in the ocean.

“This summer was the worst I’ve ever seen,” explains bronzed Aussie open water advisor Nathan Flanagan.  “Alcohol combined with water incompetence meant that we were pulling people out of the water all day everyday.  Some people damn near drowned, only to go back in five minutes after they were saved, and then get rescued again.  It’s a wonder we didn’t have mass fatalities.”
 

Some nervous female clients demand that their private rescuer hold hands at all times, even when on land.

 
This critical situation has resulted in business opportunities for strong swimmers from around the world, most of who have no other marketable skills.  These swimmers are now providing a service popular with the kind of people who struggle in any body of water larger than a bathtub.  Local beachgoers can hire a so-called private rescuer for as little as 1000 yen an hour, or 7000 yen for a whole day.

Genesis Bdago, a strapping 27-year-old Ghanian, says that young women in particular feel comfortable with private rescuers.  “My clients usually cling to their blow-up rings in the water.  They never actually swim per se.  They want me to stay close so that they can enjoy their day relaxed and carefree.
 

These young ladies look comfortable on land, but it’s often a different story when they get in the water.

 
“Bustier women like me to protect them from water gropings, where drunk idiots try to molest them.  These weirdoes are incredibly pea-hearted.  Not one of them will go near my clients when I’m around.  The worst was when a 19 year old hired me to protect me from a really creepy predator, who turned out to be her older brother.  Filthy.”

With summer long gone, life is tough for private rescuers.  Some are forced into picking up glasses in nightclubs or teaching English at unscrupulous organizations, but others manage to make their way to Okinawa where they can service holidaymakers, with the end-of-year period being particularly profitable.
 

Some private rescuers show enormous pride in being from G20 countries to attract clients, who may otherwise be distrustful.

 
But while Okinawa’s tourist industry provides a small but reliable market for the private rescuers, misunderstandings are never far away. “Women seem to think that I’ll do more than just rescue them in the water,” says 35 year old Nigerian Daniel Yeboah.  “They expect me to treat them sweet and tenderly on land too, if you catch my drift. Most of the time it’s not possible anyway, given the size of the pussy here.  I don’t want to boast or anything, but it’s like trying to force a zucchini into a champagne flute.

“I find that, in this country, it’s only the really large women who can accommodate me without any overt signs of discomfort, and they rarely come to the beach.  But I’d definitely waive my standard hourly rate if I could link up with a woman with a lot of meat on the bone.  That’s what I’m into; pendulous breasts and an ass like two beach balls.  I can rock that all night long.”
 

Frightened out her wits, this young lady has demanded extreme protection from her private rescuer.

 
As committed to saving lives as Bdago and Yeboah are, it’s painfully obvious that they (and their legion of fellow rescuers) are easy targets for harassment and exploitation.  As yet neither of them have insurance, nor have they been invited to join a union.  This is despite both being hired for the Miscellaneous Workers’ Union’s annual beach day in July.

Perhaps as a result of all payments being made in cash, the fledgling industry has so far gone under the radar of the authorities too.  Local government officials that I spoke to seemed unconcerned by the lack of regulations, but assured me that they’d start caring if an incident occurred sparking a scrum of TV cameramen to gather at the entrance to the building.

* Tuvalu is ranked first which, considering how much swimming they’ll be doing in the near future, is a good thing.

Demanding, Entitled Women spell the end for Goofy Guys

It may look like your boring, run-0f-the-mill suburban station, but it’s a hive of activity when the meeting, greeting, and bargaining begins.

 

It’s just gone 9:00am at Urayasu Station in Chiba, just a stone’s throw from Disneyland, and around half a dozen not-so-cool looking guys are gathered, waiting. The guys are known as Goofy Guys, prepared to pay a lady’s way at Disneyland, perhaps getting a photograph together in front of the castle, but seldom anything more.

Ikuko Seibyo, a common dater of Goofy Guys, is keen to point out that companionship makes a day out at the theme park complete. “It’s kind of embarrassing just going alone. In fact, there’s nothing sadder than getting into a spinning teacup by yourself. Having a companion removes that overwhelming sense of shame.”

 

Sometimes there’s hot competition for best position to chill while waiting for the gals to arrive.

 

But Seibyo makes it clear that there are downsides to the delicate arrangement. “One or two of the guys think that they can be assertive just because they pay for your entrance pass. They try to take the initiative and suggest the plan for the day. I don’t like that. I remind them that I can blow them off whenever I want. Sure, if a guy’s nice enough, and not so moley, I might let him grope me in Space Mountain. That’s all though. I’d feel guilty if I had an orgasm with a guy while my boyfriend was working hard on a building site.”

So what is it exactly that gets the Goofy Guys to part with their hard-earned cash? “I haven’t got a kiss yet, although once a got a really light hug,” says regular Goofy Guy, Aneno Kahanshin. “There’s always hope though. I guess that’s what drives us all to do this.  We’re chivalrous, while maintaining perverse desires.  That’s why I sit at the back of the boat when we go through It’s A Small World. Not that I ever push the issue. I know my place.”

 

Desperate white guys have been known to turn up from time to time. *Photo amended following subject’s lawyering up on us.

 

Kahashin explains that up until now the bargaining process has traditionally been remarkably simple. “The women would come along and a financial arrangement was agreed upon. Some may have insisted on getting the Mickey Mouse ears to wear, but rarely anything more.”

These days, however, the negotiations have become increasing complicated, with even the pretty ordinary looking women demanding a meal at the restaurant inside Pirates of the Carribean, or a ton of souvenirs to shower on their buddies.

 

Many of the Goofy Guys rock incredibly creative styles when out on the town.

 

“I was eating instant ramen for weeks after my last date took me to the cleaners,” laments Kahanshin. “I didn’t know it was possible to blow that much money at a theme park in one day. She’s been texting me every week since then too, just assuming that I’ll go to a loan company so that I can spend another chunk of cash on her.”

Others have joined Kahanshin in rethinking their Goofy Guy roles, expressing concern at the level of diva-like behavior that is becoming commonplace. The fact is that more guys are prepared to be exploited in other ways, such as driving a girl and her friends to an onsen resort, or buying essential equipment for art classes.

 

Exhausted, broke, and blue. Some days it all gets too much for many of the Goofy Guys.

 

Nevertheless, Kahanshin wants people to know that, far from being a pack of losers, Goofy Guys seem to know how to give a girl a good day out. “They have the cash, they know who is boss, and they know that she doesn’t care for him one little bit. The main thing is that they don’t go into it assuming that they’ll be pumping their date on the castle balcony at fireworks time. That’s an amateur move, right there. It just makes everything more awkward than it needs to be.”