Locals in shock: Westerner reveals that he knows the name of a famous Japanese person

Satomi standing empty handed while taking a break from spruiking the subway, beer, cosmetics, or her latest unwatchable drama.

About a dozen drinkers in a bar in Chiba were shocked, but thrilled, on Saturday evening when they discovered that their Australian companion was familiar with a star local actress.

“All I said was that I was aware of Ishihara Satomi, as her face can be seen in just about every train carriage and during every other commercial break on TV,” explained 34 year old Brayden Liptak.  “But, everyone around me suddenly started muttering excitedly to each other.”

Ishihara suited up in a desperate attempt to save HMV from creditors.

Local easy lay Moe Aibiki appeared more than impressed with the foreigner’s knowledge of the country that he’s called home for more than a decade.  “He’s not Japanese, yet he actually knows a famous Japanese person.  Wow!”  The seasoned drinker added that she would bang Walker just for that fact alone. 

Another bar regular, Inbu Kyokubu, expressed a similar level of amazement.  “He knows a lot about Japan.  I’ve even seen him order shochu by specifying the exact type he prefers.  (He’s) great.” 

The Midas Touch: A pensive Satomi prior to another long day promoting some kind of consumer good to the masses.

Liptak, who moved to Japan from Adelaide years ago after learning that he could get a job teaching without the need to be constantly aware of drug, alcohol, and violence protocols, didn’t really know what to make of the high regard in which he is now held at the bar. 

Keen to get it across that he’s no Last Samurai figure, Liptak stressed his extreme unremarkableness.  “All I do is walk around with my eyes open to the world around me.  I see a good looking woman on the screen in the train carriage, and I find out her name so I can check out the saucy pics online.  End of story.”

All female stars in Japan are forced to go through the gruelling kimono shoot.

The owner of the bar isn’t having any of the South Australian’s modesty, however.  “Until Liptak walked into my bar, I just assumed every white man was in Japan to laugh at us men and spread their seed amongst the women,” said Junpaku Seifuku.  “Now I know that among all that milk drinking vermin, there is one white man who is different, and he is our unicorn.  He values our culture, and he’s always welcome in my bar… just so long as he doesn’t bring any other whiteys through my door.”

Cop on the outer after raunchy underwear display

When one man’s sick obsession is laid out in front of the eyes of the world.

A veteran Kanagawa policeman has been stood down from regular duties following a glaring lapse of judgement when laying out stolen underwear for assembled media last month.

According to sources within Yokohama senior management, Sergeant Haisetsu Kakumaki was in charge of the display of the panties and bras in the department’s Kawasaki gymnasium following the arrest of 48 year old serial pervert Shigeki Boppatsu, for being in possession of a rather large collection of stolen goods.  The department quickly came under fire from residents claiming that priority placements had been given to overly raunchy-style underwear. 

Despatch office worker Sena Kawada mentioned that she was disappointed by the display.  “It’s one thing to show the collection of underwear to the public, but it’s another to have such exciting and sexy stuff right there in front of the cameras,” she exclaimed.  Widely shared photos seem to back up theories that certain kinds of underwear were cherry picked for the cameras.

Boppatsu’s filthy hobby also included bras of all colors, shapes, and sizes.

Kawada’s concern has been reflected in the way some social media has responded to the panty line-up.  Comments have largely focused on the crotchless knickers, t-backs, leopard print panties, and hot red lacey lingerie that were placed front and center.  There also appeared to be a celebratory and reverent vibe to the threads which have been brought to mainstream media attention.   

A former high-ranking police officer, who asked not to be named, outlined the reasoning behind the decision to stand Kakumaki down.  “He’s a damn fool,” he explained.  “By putting all the sexy knickers in front of the cameras, he’s turned Boppatsu into some kind of folk hero.  He’s become the pervert’s pervert, the panty specialist if you like.  Just look at the way he’s being lauded by the masses on those filthy sites.  Someone has to take responsibility for this.”

A collection so vast that it almost requires a drone to film effectively.

Boppatsu, himself, talked candidly when I accosted him outside his regular pachinko hall.  “I can’t deny it. I was mighty proud of that collection.  Having said that, however, there were a lot of big girls’ pants amongst that lot.  There were a lot of spinnakers there, as well as some ghastly wooly winter panties.  But, I stood a foot taller when I saw the pics from the police display. 

“All the premium stuff was displayed prominently.  All of my go-to stuff for when I got horny was there for all my friends to see.  We’re talking silky lingerie that chicks wear on a first date.  I’d spent years collecting that, and it wasn’t easy, let me tell you.  I got all scratched up a few times negotiating think bushes to get to balconies, and I was punched in the head by angry boyfriends twice.”

Boppatsu’s dedication to his indecent pastime can be seen from this small section.

The shameless Boppatsu continued, “Still, that police display made it all worth it.  I’m the king of my danchi at the moment.  My home room teacher said that I’d never amount to anything.  Well… I hope that clown makes his way to our next reunion.  He’ll be sucking up to me, no doubt.  Oh, yeah… That miserable old man will be buying me Strong Zero’s all night, I imagine.”

Sergeant Kakumaki has so far failed to respond to our requests for an interview, but it is believed that he is fielding invites to curate both the Sapporo Adult Entertainment Museum and the Museum of Edo Erotica, which are due to open in spring next year.

Les aventures des chattes à Tokyo

Some hot springs promise to deliver nubile enrichment.

“I had always been a bit curious back in France, but I was afraid of meeting a girl in a dark club who looked cute, only to find that she had an abundance of facial hair upon seeing her with the lights on,” explains Stephanie Girot.  “Japan doesn’t really have that problem, so that final layer of anxiety has been removed.”

A stay at a hot spring can help to heal a wounded heart, or perhaps develop exciting new relationships.

For the 28 year old Humanities major, coming to Japan was always going to be more than just teaching French with the odd party under the cherry blossoms.  “Ideally, I’d like to go to a hot spring for my first experience.  I imagine that we’d wash each other’s backs, but that her washing of my back with warm soapy water would become a delicate massage, which would end with her cupping my breasts from behind.  Perhaps I’d even become aware of her pubic hair brushing gently against my lower back. 

Some visitors to Japan find themselves overcome by the vivid femininity on constant display.

“We’d then find a nook or cranny in the outdoor bath where we’d kiss softly, with perhaps a hint of tongue.  After drying each other off tenderly, we’d put our gowns back on and return to our room knickerless.  That’s when I’d pull out the double dildo and we’d start scissoring.  She’d be using these cute little Japanese action words like bakobako or gushogusho, which would turn me on even more.

Two close friends enjoying a spiritually refreshing hot spring.

“I’ve seen truckloads of dirty movies featuring two women in Japanese summer gowns getting it on at fireworks festivals, so I’m totally down with trying out that kind of stuff in a big way.  Just the thought of walking around hand-in-hand with a cutey while we’ve both got those little eggs humming away inside our pussies gets me so hot.  And, it would be so cool if we controlled each others’ eggs with remote controls.  I’d be setting hers to maximum at the exact moment when she was buying shaved ice.

A white woman and an Asian woman beginning to get well acquainted.

“It’d be kind of cool if I got a girlfriend who has a boyfriend.  I saw in a movie once where two women diddled each other while out having diner with the boyfriend of one of them.  I’d really like to do something like that.  We could sit shoulder to shoulder and use a large menu to cover up that we are touching each other.  That would be so sexy.

Two women who are just happy to be able to spend time together in Japan.

“I’m not too fussed over who I hook up with either, just as long as she has decent sized breasts, and doesn’t each soba, ramen, or natto.  I don’t want to tongue kiss a chick with stinky breath. And, she can’t have a crewcut or any obvious signs of being into women. That’s a deal breaker right there.”

Two lovers kiss passionately on the streets of a European city, perhaps longing for the day when they too will visit a hot spring in Japan, and pair off with a couple of local broads.

Despite the dream of a much masturbated-over fantasy coming true, Gardiner wants to make it clear that she just plans to dabble in a same-sex relationship.  “I’m not going to start playing field hockey or anything like that.  So, after about six months of exploration, I’ll probably ghost my companion and go back to Lyon to find a guy making six figures and get impregnated.  Don’t get me wrong, I might think of her and pleasure myself from time to time, but that’s as far as it’ll go.”

Gaijin-Friendly Onsen Staff to compliment tattooed guests

Picturesque, tranquil, and breathtaking.

Employees at hot spring inns across the Kanto area are being instructed to make foreign guests’ stays more comfortable by commenting positively on their tattoos.  In a move reflecting Japan’s unique omotenashi spirit, industry spokesman Ensho Chikotsu announced that complimenting someone on their tattoos was now de rigueur in the industry.

“Our workers are attending custom-designed English classes to learn to say things such as, ‘Those kanji characters go together so well.  A Japanese person would never have thought to combine them, and have them displayed in such large font,’ and, ‘I like your sleeve.  How long did it take to complete?’ 

Japan’s hidden delights are just waiting for tattooed white people.

“We are working on the assumption that there are people out there who are crying out for attention and, as long as they are paying guests, we are only too happy to do the job.  For far too long tattooed foreigners have come here and been treated in a way not satisfactory to them, before going online and having a big whinge about misunderstandings.  I’m prepared to correct this perceived unfairness and then some.”

The new policy is expected to delight female guests with tattoos behind their ears, as well as Australians sporting Southern Cross stars and Irish with their cute little clovers.  Chikotsu added that staff were also being trained to spot barbed wire designs and initiate conversations about how Soundgarden and The Offspring never get the credit they deserve.

Pasty white skin and a clover tattoo. Name a more iconic pairing.

It’s not just people from white trash backgrounds who’ll be able to bathe in the glow of attention, however; over-parochial South Pacific travelers will also be indulged by workers who will behave as though walking around with a face full of tattoos in the 21st century is a completely understandable thing to do.

With the Olympics approaching, a wave of openness and consideration is washing over Tokyo, and Chikotsu wants to make sure that hot springs are surfing that wave.  “Gone are the days when it was only the military, sailors, and tough guys with tattoos.  Regular people from all walks of life have them these days.  Just open your eyes and look around.  Even women have them, although not the kind of women that I’d take home and introduce to my mom.”

With the possible exception of a Scot with a clan tattoo, there’s nothing prouder than an Aussie with five stars on his chest.

Already tested in the Kyushu prefecture of Miyazaki, the exciting new policy has received positive feedback from the kind of people who like to document poignant moments of their lives on themselves, which has given Chikotsu and other big players in the industry the confidence that things are moving in the right direction.  

Bryan, a 37-year-old Newfoundlander with “Rebecca” tattooed on this inner forearm, was ecstatic.  “I was told that my choice to go with katakana was cool, and that Rebecca must be a special woman.  Well, she is, but she’s now living with a marketing executive called Blake in Toronto.  But, who knows?  Maybe I can get her back somehow.”

Confusing… yet beautiful. This double rose design expresses so much.

Stephanie, a 28-year-old public servant from Lyon, gave the new policy a big thumbs up.  “I was so happy when an employee pointed to my ankle tattoo and said, ‘It’s love.’  I almost cried knowing that I’d made a connection with someone from such a deep and unique culture.

Perhaps the most surprising response, however, was from a 42-year-old neo-Nazi from Dresden.  Intimidatingly tattooed Gerhard gushed, “In Japan, people just look at my tattoos, assume that I’m really into Buddhism, and leave me in peace.  If I go to Greece, people just want to kick my head in.  As such, I feel a great bond with the Japanese people.”

The Mistakes Foreigners Make When Getting Acquainted with Japanese Women

Elegant, alluring, and perhaps within reach if you play your cards right.

“Don’t be alarmed if your new Japanese lover has long, natural pubic hair,” explains youth sex expert Myaku Arai.  For in Japan it is considered bad luck to trim hair below your waist (bikini line waxing, plucking and shaving is an exception).  “While many westernized young people have done so since the early 1990’s, these locals may have lived abroad where they were likely ravished by their Asiaphile host father.  A man who probably convinced his fat, white wife that a young female exchange student would promote world peace.  Typically young Japanese home-stayers are fouled by dozens of assorted low life, ethnic scumbags without having to damage their reputations at home.

Arai, a 38 year old bisexual who is very much aware that she is at the peak of her sensuality, emphasizes that vulnerable white men are at risk of succumbing to oriental temptation during spiritual awakening adventures in Japan.  “These Japanese (who have been romantically adventurous overseas) should be avoided sexually as they have most likely been with many dirty foreigners before you and are therefore more likely to be carriers of the AIDS among other horrid things.  Just remember – the better the English ability, the more cautious you should be.

Many western men believe that Japanese women dress more stylishly than their western counterparts.

“It’s rare that a Japanese woman with a trimmed or shaved pubic region is pure.  90% of English speaking Japanese young men on the other hand rarely get laid during their homestays abroad. If they do get laid one or two times they are lucky- they usually opt for Japanese girlfriends with low self-esteem when outside Japan.  Most Japanese males pubic hair is so plush that you can’t even see their genitals at all.  If they are shaved or trimmed, there is a 99% chance they also have homosexual tendencies.”

STD’s come high on Arai’s list of warnings, but she is also keen to remind westerners that they are always being watched in Japan.  “Japanese men generally have a complex about penile size when compared to non-Asian men.  While they always boast that they are harder, they are actually quite smaller.  Japanese men will always try to sneak a peak at foreign men’s wieners at urinals.  If you are pee shy, black or very big, I would advise to only use a stall.  In my lovers’ experiences, even if there are 20 empty spots, a local will park right next to them and try to get a peek and sometimes even start some friendly banter about their beautiful cocks.”

Petite Japanese women can be a breath of fresh air for men arriving from places like Germany and the USA in particular.

The giant bush is an easy method to conceal what is probably lacking.  A nub may be visible if you are lucky.  This also is a cultural matter as a race where public nudity is frequent and expected, the bits should be hidden as much as possible, as nature intended. You on the other hand, should be well groomed.  Japanese women expect foreigners to be partially or completely shaved.  If you are not, you will be thought of as a barbarian.

Arai goes on to address the fallacy that normal Japanese women care about technology.  “They don’t,” she laughs.  “Stop babbling about your wonderful phone with all the trimmings. She doesn’t want to hear it and is only acting interested.  You might as well be speaking Klingon to her, you stupid piece of shit.  And, nobody in Japan knows how to handle the latest technology anyway.

Westerners residing in Japan will quickly realize that there is an abundance of single Japanese men.

“The only broads who care about that type of stuff are total losers you don’t want to be seen with anyway,” stresses Arai.  “Go shove your top-of-the-range limited edition stuff up your pimply ass and save that talk for your dorky, Akihabara loving buddies.  I know for a fact that there ain’t an app out yet that’s gonna get her off sexually.  Japanese women don’t care in the least, so talk about some other nonsense; How much you like Disney characters, how much you want to go shopping in Hawaii with her, or how cute her ugly, French bag is.”

The key, continues Arai, is to lay off the pretension.  She says that Japanese women are not as gullible as they once may have been.  “It’s true that at one time all a westerner had to do was take some black and white photos or mention that he had made a film in college or knew Quentin Tarantino.  Local women would believe they were making love to a future star.  That just doesn’t work these days, even if you actually are on a Trey Parker style animation odyssey.  That goes for all the vloggers who jump online without an ounce of quality content.  The local women aren’t falling for that empty nonsense now.  You’ve gotta up your game.”

Lazy lesbians’ lackluster licking leads to lamented loss of lasciviousness

Former star Ai Uehara enjoying her retirement. Could a mercy performance be on the cards?

JAV legend Asoko Nureta has ripped into modern actresses for their poor tongue skills throughout the last two or three years following dismal showings in movies nominated for the 2019 JAV Awards.

Speaking at an informal luncheon at a Nakano Italian restaurant, Nureta called the young actress’ cunnilingus skills as “atrocious” and the reason why they have underachieved compared to the overseas stars.

“The reason Japanese actresses are not where they should be is because their oral performance is atrocious and lacking in all aspects,” said the star of seminal movies such as “A Finger in the Pillow Princess” and “A Dildo Between Friends”.

“This is in normal circumstances disgraceful mattresswork.  If you want to know why the actresses are where they are and frightened of ending up forcefully retired and living in one room apartments in Ibaragi, it’s because of this.”

Many punters have been left yearning for the days when Maki Hamada knew just what was demanded by her adoring fans.

Dressed in a tight but stylish cashmere dress and knee-high boots, Nureta laid out her views on the current crop of performers.  “Viewers want to see young women slurping away greedily, just as a Jamaican would when he’s tasting the sweetest pussy he’s ever encountered.  But, they are not getting that reaction. 

“Many actresses seem to believe that the uniforms they’re wearing are enough to get the punters interested.  They have to understand that it takes more than that to make something of quality that the consumer will want to see again and again.” 

Following a bright start to the decade, lesbian actress’ form has tapered, particularly in the school uniform genre, where they haven’t produced a big seller since 2016.

Nureta suggested that the actress’ struggles may be due to a mental block on the part of some of them not being broad-minded enough to get fully into the lesbian spirit demanded by the scenarios.

It looks fun, but the some say that standards are slipping in the much-hyped uniform and costume genre.

“The orgasms that I see today just don’t have a velocity reaching anywhere near explosive.  While I’ll admit that there are outliers where we can see a bit of spray and a bit of shuddering, the climaxing has generally become underwhelming and it’s due to the poor tongue action.”

Recently the lack of dynamism has been discussed on SNS by consumers, but’s it’s not until now that someone from inside the industry, with such standing, has come out to address the downward trend in girl-on-girl action scenes.

“It’s fun and light-hearted to French kiss another chick while giving their boobs a working over, but it’s when things get horizontal, that’s when things need to get hot.  

“But it’s just not happening at the moment.  It’s not a good look for the girls, and it’s not a good look for the industry as a whole.  Some of the actresses need to ask themselves if they’re into girls just as much as the viewers at home.”

Mosaic-busting Tech-Wiz Hirogari Seibyo answers your questions

Our November article (“Tech-Wiz quietly achieves anti-mosaic breakthrough”) has triggered an unprecedented response from around the world.  It has been both our most-read article, as well as our most-commented-on article.  With such a reaction, we thought it would only be right to give Hirogari Seibyo a chance to address your feedback and queries.  Fortunately, Seibyo agreed to meet with me again, so it’s over to you guys…

Jeffrey Taylor: Can you tell us a little bit more about the technology behind your mosaic buster?

HS: You can play most files directly, and can use it as a video player, and the mosaic looks a lot better, but you wont get really de-censoring without using TecoGAN/Wifey2X (which is free from GitHub but it takes work to setup; instructions are included in JAVPlayer).

With TecoGAN/waifu2X you can use just CPU power to compute the images but it takes forever. TecoGAN using Nvidia CUDA is the best route. Done right you can get much better results than this particular video. There is also the DeepCreamPy which doesnt work as well but is also supported by the program.

You can also try using TecoGan4X then do the deMoasic (you can make an SD video into an HD one fairly well), but it takes an insane amount of time. My buddies use a 1080Ti and it’s still really really slow for even moderately short videos.

Robin Baker: How dare you say that masturbating addicts are the “real victims of the adult video industry.  Do you have any idea how many women have had their lives ruined by appearing in porn!?  Shame on you.  May you never breed.

HS: Aww… Womp womp.

Julian Farmer: The mosaic law has been the one law that has allowed the major JAV companies to laugh at us poor JAV addicts.  It’s kind of been like, “We’ll take your money, but we don’t have to show you any pussy.”  Now we can see vaginas, and it’s kind of like an aborigine getting his first taste of citizenship and all the human rights that go with it.

HS: What can I say?  Welcome to the land of the free, fellow citizen!

Andrew Fisher: I just love Japanese girls with dark labia.  Thanks for allowing me to narrow the field of AV actresses who I’d love to bang given the chance.

HS: Yeah… I think European guys, more than Japanese guys, focus on things like density of pubic hair and labia.  I’ve heard that the French guys are really particular about the downstairs region, whereas the Americans and Canadians show a lack of sophistication by simply focusing on breast size.  It’s like they haven’t grown out of those 80’s college fraternity movies.

Margaret Cooper: For years the mosaic law has been the only thing that has allowed actresses to keep a shred of dignity, and now you’re taking that away from them.  Did you ever think about that?  You disgust me.  You may have brains, but they’re full of shit.

HS: One of those, eh?

William Buttermaker: Surely you can set up a patreon fund so that you can benefit from your invention?

HS: It really is not an option.  What I’ve done is illegal, and I can’t risk any kind of exposure.  Funds from a patreon account would have to come into an account in my real name, and anyone curious enough could find out who I am, and make my life hell.  I’d be kicked off campus, disowned by my family, and probably prosecuted by the very people who benefit from my hard work.

Todd Hunter: Can you tell us more about your mother’s extra-marital relationship?  Would your mother’s lover really dump her if you were ever linked to your tech-breakthrough?

HS: They share an apparently intense physical relationship, which I try not to think too much about.  My mom assured me that while her senior bureaucrat lover wouldn’t cast her aside, he may force her to start paying for the school uniforms, ropes, and candles that they use.

Nigel Butcher: I work for an NPO in a impoverished sub-Saharan village where life is a day-to-day struggle.  Malnutrition, infant mortality, and malaria are never far away.  We do, however, have a William Kamkwamba style wind power generator.  So, despite the incredible scenes of heartbreak every day, the people of the village have now been exposed to the wonder of uncensored Japanese pornography.  We shall be forever grateful to you.

HS: Thanks for those kind words.  I’m happy to hear I’m making a difference to those in need.

Anne Carpenter: I just wanna say, “J-cocks rock!”

HS: What can I say to that?  You’re welcome to cast your eyes over mine anytime you’d like!

Ron Cook: I’d never seen a vagina squirt like that.  You’ve opened my eyes.  

HS: They tend to do that a lot these days.  A guy’s gotta prepare the plastic sheets prior to doing the business.  From my experience few women want to stick around to clean up the mess.

Debbie Ironmonger: So, your mother is having an affair.  How about your father?  How does he cope with being a cuck?

HS: My father manages to keep it together.  He’s a good provider, so there’s been no talk of divorce.  He’s a busy guy anyway, going to The Philippines once a month on business.  He has a lot of contacts down there, and his hands are full making sure everyone’s kept happy down there.

Edward Skinner: I love it when an actor teases the actress by lightly rubbing the tip of his knob along the labia.  Thanks to your hard work, I’m now able to see this in close-up.  As a consequence, I’m shooting early, but I like it.

HS: This is what my work is all about.  I’m printing this quote and putting it by my screen to help me in moments of self-doubt.

Pip Turner: I’m married to a Japanese woman and we have two little children, so although I’ve seen everything many times, it’s been a while since I’ve caught a glimpse of anything.  These days, my wife is happy with Italian lessons, shuffling around the house in slippers and an apron, and wearing fluffy socks to bed.  Thanks for allowing me to take a trip down memory lane.

HS: Slippers and fluffy socks?  That’s the image she projects at home.  Tell me, how does she look when she steps out for those Italian lessons?

Lee Archer: It’s a tragedy that the world can’t know your name, which should stand alongside the giants of invention in Japan.  It’s not fair that others have profited from the Walkman and tamagochi, yet you can’t make one yen of profit.  The system stinks.

HS: This message means more to me that any crisp note featuring the face of an old man possibly could.

Vera Potter: Why don’t you aim a little higher with your tech-skills?  I mean, creating a mosaic-busting app can’t really be compared to landing a robot on Mars, can it?

HS: You might say that, but rather than focusing on exploration for the future of all humankind, I prefer to concentrate on instant gratification.  If you want to judge me for that, go right ahead.

And that’s where we’ll end our little Q&A session.  Many thanks to all of you who have contributed.    

Tech-Wiz quietly achieves anti-mosaic breakthrough

The tech breakthrough has been made possible thanks to modern developments in scanning and a desire to produce tangible results.

He’s 23 years old.  He lives on instant ramen, beef bowls, and convenience store bento.  He attends one of the most prestigious universities in Japan.  He’s bringing joy and pleasure to loads of people around the world.  Yet, we can’t know his name, or show him due gratitude.

We meet at an unpopular Cambodian restaurant in Takadanobaba for lunch on a Monday.  At first, Hirogari Seibyo (not his real name) is hesitant to acknowledge me.  He knows it’s me though, as I’ve told him to look for a sporty kind of westerner wearing blue jeans, white sneakers, and an Ohio State Buckeyes 2002 Champions cap.  Eventually he shuffles over and we greet each other with minimal fuss, appropriate for the situation.

Randy commuters will now have even more reason to keep their eyes glued to their mobile devices.

Seibyo has mastered the art of removing the pesky mosaic from Japanese porn, but if he were to announce himself to the world, he’d be arrested, and he would be thrown out of university while bringing shame on his apparently well-known family.  “My mother’s lover is a high-ranking bureaucrat in Kasumigaseki.  Should word get out that I’m the one responsible for the mosaic removal system, it’d make things very awkward,” he says before adding wryly, “To be honest, she’d probably choose the bureaucrat over me, and throw me under a bus.”

As Seibyo explains, this technology does not magically recover the stuff behind the mosaics.  “A neural network does its best to recreate uncensored genitals until it’s able to trick an antagonistic network that tries to tell apart censored from uncensored porn, while staying as close as possible to the initial images.”

For years tech-geeks around the world have tried all sorts of ways to decensor their treasured JAV material.

In other words, the software will try to create visuals that look the way uncensored porn would according to its models and in the way that best fits the original, mosaic impregnated, movie.  So, provided the sex is real, the decensoring is likely to come up with scenes of penetration (we’re talking majestic, fully tumescent phalli sliding into glistening honey tunnels), unless it finds no way to fit uncensored genitals in the picture.

As Seibyo is unable to make any money out of his invention, he’s urging those wishing to thank him to send funds to addiction groups such as Porn Creep Support and Masturbators Anonymous.  “They’re the real victims of the adult video industry, so it’s important that we get them the help they need.”

Sometimes, when mosaic abounds, it’s hard to know head or tail of what’s happening on screen.

Reaction from within the industry has so far been mixed, although some major names have tweeted positively about Seibyo’s new technology.  Bouncy actress Mamire Seishi supported him by saying, “I’m proud that all my naughty bits can now be seen. A vagina is a beautiful thing, so we should celebrate this achievement in whatever way we choose.” 

Veteran actor Kazurenai Hodo also gave Seibyo a big viral thumbs up, “So many people will benefit from this amazing technology.  He ought to receive a Nobel Prize.” Judging by the number of shares and upvotes, it seemed to sum up the views of delighted consumers throughout the world.

New Zealander celebrates 20 years of telling his wank/fart anecdote

Shrimpton pictured in his younger days around the time when the incident occurred.

Anyone who has learnt a second language will probably recall an experience where they’ve made a howling error whilst attempting to communicate with others.  We’ve all heard the story about the man mistakenly calling a server’s mother a filthy harlot while trying to order a coffee and cake.  And you’ve probably heard the one about the lady unknowingly inviting a policeman to ravish her back at her hotel when trying to ask for directions.  

It’s no different here in Japan either, as 45 year old Geoff Shrimpton has made everyone in his immediate circle, outer circle, and vicinity in restaurants aware over the past two decades by telling the same slightly amusing story once a month.  “Has it really been that long?” he asked.  “My friends tell me that they’ve heard the story so many times over the years, but I can’t believe that it was 1999 when it happened.”

As the Dunedin native eagerly regaled, “One night when my then girlfriend was getting into bed I told her that I had just masturbated, but the reality was that, rather than stroking my sausage, I had actually just farted.”  The uncharismatic Kiwi then went on to explain the similarity in pronunciation while unsuccessfully trying to stifle giggles.

To onani or to onara? This is how Shrimpton likes to remember his girlfriend. NB Woman pictured not actually Shrimpton’s girlfriend.

“She actually believed that I’d just knocked one out while she was showering and prettying herself in anticipation of some hot love action.  I only realized that I’d used the wrong, albeit similar sounding word when she reacted with disproportionate dismay. And she didn’t even notice the smell of foul, anally-emitted, Thai curry gas.

“Seriously, you just had to be there ‘coz her face was a picture of disappointment and confusion.  Looking back at it all now, I wish someone else had been there to share the experience, someone like an adventurous female college student or a broad-minded bank clerk still in her uniform.  We could have shared the laughter and much, much more.  Yeah… That would have been nice.”

Realizing that everyone has heard his wank/fart story at least once, Shrimpton is now concentrating on telling the story about how his cute friend had once told him that she “ate out her sister in Shinjuku last night”.