Welshman anxiously awaiting big disaster in order to be interviewed by western media

A typhoon is always presents a chance for widespread damage to occur.

Another disaster could hit Japan anytime.  If it’s not days of heavy rain triggering floods and mudslides, it’ll be earthquakes or train derailments.  When you throw in the North Koreans firing missiles from time to time, your odds of becoming caught up in an internationally newsworthy event get even shorter.  

A pedestrian puts enormous faith in a flimsy umbrella during a storm.

While others go about life as grasshoppers, living for today, Junior High School PE and English teacher Richard Llewellyn, sees himself as an ant busying himself for the inevitable.  “I’ve got my room perfectly set up for the interview.  My wall has an old Ken Takakura gangster movie poster displayed, and there’s a bonsai tree on my shelf. 

Tiny umbrellas are never any match for monsoonal rains.

“I subscribe to the Asahi Shinbun to make sure that I’ll have the day’s newspaper on my desk too, so it looks like I can actually read kanji.  I mean, I can read a little, but it’d really help me if the disaster involves a river or a mountain.  I think it’s important that people see Japanese things around me when I’m on screen.  It’ll help to provide that feeling that I’m in amongst it, and not just sitting in a bedsit in Cardiff.”

This dynamic reporter has stepped outside her office just long enough to tell everyone that you can get wet when it rains.

“I plan to wear a smart collared shirt to show the audience that I’m taking my role as an information provider seriously, and I want my old high school classmates to think that I’m really getting ahead in life.  I probably won’t have a shave though.  That’s because I need to show the masses that personal grooming is the last thing on my mind.”

Knee-high rubber boots can be put to good use in various situations.

For the 34 year old Llewellyn, planning for reporting on a disaster that he’s likely to survive comfortably has given him something to focus on in life.  “I’ve done my boozing and picking up in Shinjuku and Roppongi.  I’ve had the affairs with students’ moms.  I just want to get on and do something with a purpose I haven’t shown since I learnt how to read hiragana and work out a couple of handy aikido moves.”

Experienced reporters have managed to convince producers to let them stay nice and dry during extreme weather events.

“I’ve sussed out how to contact the BBC and The Guardian quickly, just in case there’s some amateur out there ready to steal the spotlight.  I’m pretty sure that, as a Welshman, at the very least I’ll be able to at least get interviewed for some radio station in Swansea or Wrexham.  I’ve also got a memo written on my desk reminding me to find out the name of the interviewer.  If I can use the interviewers name it’ll look like I have some kind of rapport with top-tier reporters.  Who knows where it could lead?”

Rural Japan sees incest blossoming amid visitor shortage

Japan in all its traditional beauty can be a very seductive environment.

“How can something so wrong feel so good?”  With the absence of vulnerable farm-stay college students this summer, it’s a question being asked in far- flung prefectures throughout the archipelago.  It seems that sexual adventures with country-loving students have been replaced with sibling ribaldry.  This disturbing phenomenon has come to light following the release of a report by tireless government researchers which focuses on Aomori, Fukui, and Kochi, although perennial leader Ibaragi remains firmly at the top of the ladder.

“Usually the city slicker students who come here just need a little coercion, and then it’ s party time,” explains veteran farmer Joseiki Setsujo.  “Others come here with dreams of banging someone next to a rice field.  Mind you, that’s something you only want to do once; mosquito bites in sensitive areas tend to be a deterrent.  This year we haven’t had any naïve Tokyoites coming here, which is a shame.  We’ve always been able to physically exploit them in one way or another.”

Mother/Son relationships always have the potential to take on an incredibly unexpected and intimate turn.

In some areas, undersexed teenage sons are getting a helping hand from people who really know them well.  “My son Shunsuke denied that he was stressed.  He said that his exam prep was going smoothly, but I knew better.  Despite his pleas, I persisted and now I give him a good flogging off once a week,” gushes still attractive Rieko Ishiwatari.  “I’m not sure who enjoys it more, to be honest.

“He shouts at me, telling me that he doesn’t want an orgasm from his mom, but that just drives me, and I give him extras like a gentle rake of the scrotum.  You should see his pubic hair. It’s is the thickest fuzz I’ve ever seen. His resistance is flagging now, but there is definitely nothing else that’s flagging.  Let me tell you!  I know what he’s into more than he does.  What can I say?  Mom knows best!”

A sexually isolated and confused younger sister can lead to a mundane relationship taking an unexpected and intimate turn.

Professional local character Watami Shirokiya was keen to spin the story in the farming communities’ favor, “Us country people are laughed at for our old traditions.  Usually we cash in on them, however.  Do you know how many western tourists come here to see our lame stuff?  It’s like taking money from a crack whore.”

Still grinning at his last observation, he adds, “So, is incest a custom here?  Well, there are stories from ages ago.  Some of them are pretty nasty, while others are admittedly quite titillating. We had districts where incest was treated with tacit approval, but that died out a long time ago.   I haven’t heard of anything like that happening in the last five years at least.”

What’s gross for some is a big turn on for others.

According to the explosive report, most of the incest occurring is between siblings in the bath, in the local river, and, perhaps most disturbingly, in the parents’ bed.  Incest in the bath usually involves curious girls, soapy genitals and insistent touching which invariably results in over-excited boys being unable to hide their true feelings, before the line is crossed. For the most part, there is a great deal of shared self-disgust, but in rare cases they go on for a second, or even third, round.

With stories of brothers and sisters in high school uniforms making out spreading on the internet, it’s only a matter of time before even more weaboos from around the world steal money from their grandparents and head to Japan.  The question, therefore, must be asked; Is rural Japan ready for the wave of geek voyeurs creeping through villages, hoping to hear the words “Nee-san! Saikou!” shouted by horny teenage boys?

Kamakura’s resident wandering old man lonely for tourists

Picturesque Kamakura. A must visit for tourists wanting to experience the real Japan.

Foreign tourists disappearing from Kamakura has finally allowed locals to be free to leisurely gaze at the Big Buddha, pray silently at a temple, and hate on the tattooed ne’er-do-wells.  So great is the change that a collective audible sigh of relief can almost be heard. One senior local, however, actually misses having the visitors from overseas around!  Can you believe that!?

“I don’t have anyone to practice my English skills on,” moans 78 year old Myaku Amarinai, reluctantly closing his manga featuring a center spread of teenage bikini models.  “I want to tell someone about how we Japanese love to hear the sound of chirping cicadas in summer, or how we appreciate the simplicity of nature, or how unique our culture is.

Although not homeless, Amarinai often carries his favorite blue tarpaulin around for reasons not immediately apparent to onlookers.

“I like to score points and go on about how Americans love tomato sauce, and clog up their arteries with all that cheese and butter.  I miss that.”  But surely there are still plenty of foreigners with whom he can engage in conversation?  “I prefer to go after the low hanging fruit.  Tourists tend to be amazed by anything, but a long-term resident will correct me.  They’ll tell me some uncomfortable truths when I’m trying to go for a low blow or make them feel guilty.

“They cockblock when I’m LARPing as an old man who’s full of spirituality and wisdom,” said Amarinai as he tried to inconspicuously stuff an onigiri wrapper into a hedge.  “Screw them, and screw iPhones and Google for making information so readily accessible.  We don’t want that technology in Japan.  Are iPhones related to baldness?  I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.  I see so many bald white guys these days.  What kind of future do their mixed-race kids have?”

Tsuribakanishi: an absolute howler of a franchise.

Amarinai, who swears that Tsuri Bakanishi is the epitome of cinematic comedy (“It’s funny because they place more importance on fishing than weddings, funerals, and executive board meetings.”) shakes his head while throwing out another question. “Did you know that they have sake bars in New York and Paris?  Those people can drink it, but they can’t drink it and enjoy the same level of satisfaction as a Japanese man who has just finished a brutal week’s work.”

The loneliness felt by Amarinai is the loneliness felt by many this summer in Kamakura.  Yuigahama, the local beach, is largely deserted this year.  The beach houses, often rented by randy sunlovers for showers and obligation-free sex, are vacant.  The temporary shops along the beach are also closed, resulting in pain for the well-known domestic businesses which specialize in quick, untraceable, cash transactions.

For the foreseeable future, it looks like inbound tourism is as dead as the MD Player, meaning that Amarinai will be forced to up his game and engage with foreign residents, or at least just spit on the sidewalk in front of them as they walk past him.

Kyoto people returning to the good old days of simply having contempt for the rest of Japan

Tourists eagerly taking pictures of a woman in a kimono, unaware that they are blocking an ambulance carrying a critically ill child to hospital.

The maiko are back walking on the street unimpeded, the decibel levels in the shops are back to comfortable levels, and the taxi drivers are sitting around enjoying the smell of their own farts.

Kyoto, it seems, is back to what used to be considered normal, before the city became overwhelmed by hordes of foreign tourists.  If any further proof was needed, the sign outside the central police station proudly boasts that it’s been well over 100 days since anyone defecated on a city street.

“For the time being, at least, we’re free of the Chinese visitors,” beamed resident street urchin Fumiko Noguso as she took time out from collecting tobacco from discarded cigarette butts, “That’s not to say that we’re going to start welcoming domestic tourists though.

An ignorant and shameless couple ignoring a clearly displayed sign requesting that people refrain from taking photos.

“Some people read Yukio Mishima and come here expecting to take part in a stimulating discussion about the Golden Pavilion.  Thank god we can avoid all that now, as only those who are born and bred in Kyoto can fully appreciate that novel.  It’s bad enough seeing foreigners making out that they’re down with local literature, but people from Saitama and Chiba look twice as pathetic.”

Tabi Museum curator Kareshu Waki has a slightly broader outlook, hoping that Corona has given Kyoto a chance to start again.  “Can we set up a system so that only nice foreigners can come here?  Perhaps we can raise prices across the board.  That way only cashed up Europeans, Israelis and North Americans will be able to come.  Granted – some of them might be assholes like our cafe staff, but I’ll take them over those stingy bores from Nagoya going on and on about how quaint Gion looks.”

Too sacred to walk on; this how Kyoto residents like to see their streets.

“The state of the toilets has improved remarkably,” enthused independent tofu wholesaler Seishi Katakunari.  “One time I was in a stall and the smell was nasty.  The guy in the stall next to me was Chinese.  He was shouting on his phone and vacuating at the same time.  I don’t know how he could stand it, though.  I kid you not, it was like something had crawled up his ass and died. It smelt worse than a hikkikomori‘s house with a deceased mother still drawing the pension.”

It seems that bad-tourist tales have replaced The Temple of the Golden Pavilion, told with a touch of nostalgia when they are discussed.  And, with the way things are going, hordes of Chinese tourists, rowdy students, and Antipodean backpackers may indeed be joining those street defecations, as stories from the Kyoto of the past… unless the tourists eventually return… or whatever.

Locals in shock: Westerner reveals that he knows the name of a famous Japanese person

Satomi standing empty handed while taking a break from spruiking the subway, beer, cosmetics, or her latest unwatchable drama.

About a dozen drinkers in a bar in Chiba were shocked, but thrilled, on Saturday evening when they discovered that their Australian companion was familiar with a star local actress.

“All I said was that I was aware of Ishihara Satomi, as her face can be seen in just about every train carriage and during every other commercial break on TV,” explained 34 year old Brayden Liptak.  “But, everyone around me suddenly started muttering excitedly to each other.”

Ishihara suited up in a desperate attempt to save HMV from creditors.

Local easy lay Moe Aibiki appeared more than impressed with the foreigner’s knowledge of the country that he’s called home for more than a decade.  “He’s not Japanese, yet he actually knows a famous Japanese person.  Wow!”  The seasoned drinker added that she would bang Liptak just for that fact alone. 

Another bar regular, Inbu Kyokubu, expressed a similar level of amazement.  “He knows a lot about Japan.  I’ve even seen him order shochu by specifying the exact type he prefers.  (He’s) great.” 

The Midas Touch: A pensive Satomi prior to another long day promoting some kind of consumer good to the masses.

Liptak, who moved to Japan from Adelaide years ago after learning that he could get a job teaching without the need to be constantly aware of drug, alcohol, and violence protocols, didn’t really know what to make of the high regard in which he is now held at the bar. 

Keen to get it across that he’s no Last Samurai figure, Liptak stressed his extreme unremarkableness.  “All I do is walk around with my eyes open to the world around me.  I see a good looking woman on the screen in the train carriage, and I find out her name so I can check out the saucy pics online.  End of story.”

All female stars in Japan are forced to go through the gruelling kimono shoot.

The owner of the bar isn’t having any of the South Australian’s modesty, however.  “Until Liptak walked into my bar, I just assumed every white man was in Japan to laugh at us men and spread their seed amongst the women,” said Junpaku Seifuku.  “Now I know that among all that milk drinking vermin, there is one white man who is different, and he is our unicorn.  He values our culture, and he’s always welcome in my bar… just so long as he doesn’t bring any other whiteys through my door.”

Cop on the outer after raunchy underwear display

When one man’s sick obsession is laid out in front of the eyes of the world.

A veteran Kanagawa policeman has been stood down from regular duties following a glaring lapse of judgement when laying out stolen underwear for assembled media last month.

According to sources within Yokohama senior management, Sergeant Haisetsu Kakumaki was in charge of the display of the panties and bras in the department’s Kawasaki gymnasium following the arrest of 48 year old serial pervert Shigeki Boppatsu, for being in possession of a rather large collection of stolen goods.  The department quickly came under fire from residents claiming that priority placements had been given to overly raunchy-style underwear. 

Despatch office worker Sena Kawada mentioned that she was disappointed by the display.  “It’s one thing to show the collection of underwear to the public, but it’s another to have such exciting and sexy stuff right there in front of the cameras,” she exclaimed.  Widely shared photos seem to back up theories that certain kinds of underwear were cherry picked for the cameras.

Boppatsu’s filthy hobby also included bras of all colors, shapes, and sizes.

Kawada’s concern has been reflected in the way some social media has responded to the panty line-up.  Comments have largely focused on the crotchless knickers, t-backs, leopard print panties, and hot red lacey lingerie that were placed front and center.  There also appeared to be a celebratory and reverent vibe to the threads which have been brought to mainstream media attention.   

A former high-ranking police officer, who asked not to be named, outlined the reasoning behind the decision to stand Kakumaki down.  “He’s a damn fool,” he explained.  “By putting all the sexy knickers in front of the cameras, he’s turned Boppatsu into some kind of folk hero.  He’s become the pervert’s pervert, the panty specialist if you like.  Just look at the way he’s being lauded by the masses on those filthy sites.  Someone has to take responsibility for this.”

A collection so vast that it almost requires a drone to film effectively.

Boppatsu, himself, talked candidly when I accosted him outside his regular pachinko hall.  “I can’t deny it. I was mighty proud of that collection.  Having said that, however, there were a lot of big girls’ pants amongst that lot.  There were a lot of spinnakers there, as well as some ghastly wooly winter panties.  But, I stood a foot taller when I saw the pics from the police display. 

“All the premium stuff was displayed prominently.  All of my go-to stuff for when I got horny was there for all my friends to see.  We’re talking silky lingerie that chicks wear on a first date.  I’d spent years collecting that, and it wasn’t easy, let me tell you.  I got all scratched up a few times negotiating think bushes to get to balconies, and I was punched in the head by angry boyfriends twice.”

Boppatsu’s dedication to his indecent pastime can be seen from this small section.

The shameless Boppatsu continued, “Still, that police display made it all worth it.  I’m the king of my danchi at the moment.  My home room teacher said that I’d never amount to anything.  Well… I hope that clown makes his way to our next reunion.  He’ll be sucking up to me, no doubt.  Oh, yeah… That miserable old man will be buying me Strong Zero’s all night, I imagine.”

Sergeant Kakumaki has so far failed to respond to our requests for an interview, but it is believed that he is fielding invites to curate both the Sapporo Adult Entertainment Museum and the Museum of Edo Erotica, which are due to open in spring next year.

Les aventures des chattes à Tokyo

Some hot springs promise to deliver nubile enrichment.

“I had always been a bit curious back in France, but I was afraid of meeting a girl in a dark club who looked cute, only to find that she had an abundance of facial hair upon seeing her with the lights on,” explains Stephanie Girot.  “Japan doesn’t really have that problem, so that final layer of anxiety has been removed.”

A stay at a hot spring can help to heal a wounded heart, or perhaps develop exciting new relationships.

For the 28 year old Humanities major, coming to Japan was always going to be more than just teaching French with the odd party under the cherry blossoms.  “Ideally, I’d like to go to a hot spring for my first experience.  I imagine that we’d wash each other’s backs, but that her washing of my back with warm soapy water would become a delicate massage, which would end with her cupping my breasts from behind.  Perhaps I’d even become aware of her pubic hair brushing gently against my lower back. 

Some visitors to Japan find themselves overcome by the vivid femininity on constant display.

“We’d then find a nook or cranny in the outdoor bath where we’d kiss softly, with perhaps a hint of tongue.  After drying each other off tenderly, we’d put our gowns back on and return to our room knickerless.  That’s when I’d pull out the double dildo and we’d start scissoring.  She’d be using these cute little Japanese action words like bakobako or gushogusho, which would turn me on even more.

Two close friends enjoying a spiritually refreshing hot spring.

“I’ve seen truckloads of dirty movies featuring two women in Japanese summer gowns getting it on at fireworks festivals, so I’m totally down with trying out that kind of stuff in a big way.  Just the thought of walking around hand-in-hand with a cutey while we’ve both got those little eggs humming away inside our pussies gets me so hot.  And, it would be so cool if we controlled each others’ eggs with remote controls.  I’d be setting hers to maximum at the exact moment when she was buying shaved ice.

A white woman and an Asian woman beginning to get well acquainted.

“It’d be kind of cool if I got a girlfriend who has a boyfriend.  I saw in a movie once where two women diddled each other while out having diner with the boyfriend of one of them.  I’d really like to do something like that.  We could sit shoulder to shoulder and use a large menu to cover up that we are touching each other.  That would be so sexy.

Two women who are just happy to be able to spend time together in Japan.

“I’m not too fussed over who I hook up with either, just as long as she has decent sized breasts, and doesn’t each soba, ramen, or natto.  I don’t want to tongue kiss a chick with stinky breath. And, she can’t have a crewcut or any obvious signs of being into women. That’s a deal breaker right there.”

Two lovers kiss passionately on the streets of a European city, perhaps longing for the day when they too will visit a hot spring in Japan, and pair off with a couple of local broads.

Despite the dream of a much masturbated-over fantasy coming true, Gardiner wants to make it clear that she just plans to dabble in a same-sex relationship.  “I’m not going to start playing field hockey or anything like that.  So, after about six months of exploration, I’ll probably ghost my companion and go back to Lyon to find a guy making six figures and get impregnated.  Don’t get me wrong, I might think of her and pleasure myself from time to time, but that’s as far as it’ll go.”

Gaijin-Friendly Onsen Staff to compliment tattooed guests

Picturesque, tranquil, and breathtaking.

Employees at hot spring inns across the Kanto area are being instructed to make foreign guests’ stays more comfortable by commenting positively on their tattoos.  In a move reflecting Japan’s unique omotenashi spirit, industry spokesman Ensho Chikotsu announced that complimenting someone on their tattoos was now de rigueur in the industry.

“Our workers are attending custom-designed English classes to learn to say things such as, ‘Those kanji characters go together so well.  A Japanese person would never have thought to combine them, and have them displayed in such large font,’ and, ‘I like your sleeve.  How long did it take to complete?’ 

Japan’s hidden delights are just waiting for tattooed white people.

“We are working on the assumption that there are people out there who are crying out for attention and, as long as they are paying guests, we are only too happy to do the job.  For far too long tattooed foreigners have come here and been treated in a way not satisfactory to them, before going online and having a big whinge about misunderstandings.  I’m prepared to correct this perceived unfairness and then some.”

The new policy is expected to delight female guests with tattoos behind their ears, as well as Australians sporting Southern Cross stars and Irish with their cute little clovers.  Chikotsu added that staff were also being trained to spot barbed wire designs and initiate conversations about how Soundgarden and The Offspring never get the credit they deserve.

Pasty white skin and a clover tattoo. Name a more iconic pairing.

It’s not just people from white trash backgrounds who’ll be able to bathe in the glow of attention, however; over-parochial South Pacific travelers will also be indulged by workers who will behave as though walking around with a face full of tattoos in the 21st century is a completely understandable thing to do.

With the Olympics approaching, a wave of openness and consideration is washing over Tokyo, and Chikotsu wants to make sure that hot springs are surfing that wave.  “Gone are the days when it was only the military, sailors, and tough guys with tattoos.  Regular people from all walks of life have them these days.  Just open your eyes and look around.  Even women have them, although not the kind of women that I’d take home and introduce to my mom.”

With the possible exception of a Scot with a clan tattoo, there’s nothing prouder than an Aussie with five stars on his chest.

Already tested in the Kyushu prefecture of Miyazaki, the exciting new policy has received positive feedback from the kind of people who like to document poignant moments of their lives on themselves, which has given Chikotsu and other big players in the industry the confidence that things are moving in the right direction.  

Bryan, a 37-year-old Newfoundlander with “Rebecca” tattooed on this inner forearm, was ecstatic.  “I was told that my choice to go with katakana was cool, and that Rebecca must be a special woman.  Well, she is, but she’s now living with a marketing executive called Blake in Toronto.  But, who knows?  Maybe I can get her back somehow.”

Confusing… yet beautiful. This double rose design expresses so much.

Stephanie, a 28-year-old public servant from Lyon, gave the new policy a big thumbs up.  “I was so happy when an employee pointed to my ankle tattoo and said, ‘It’s love.’  I almost cried knowing that I’d made a connection with someone from such a deep and unique culture.

Perhaps the most surprising response, however, was from a 42-year-old neo-Nazi from Dresden.  Intimidatingly tattooed Gerhard gushed, “In Japan, people just look at my tattoos, assume that I’m really into Buddhism, and leave me in peace.  If I go to Greece, people just want to kick my head in.  As such, I feel a great bond with the Japanese people.”

The Mistakes Foreigners Make When Getting Acquainted with Japanese Women

Elegant, alluring, and perhaps within reach if you play your cards right.

“Don’t be alarmed if your new Japanese lover has long, natural pubic hair,” explains youth sex expert Myaku Arai.  For in Japan it is considered bad luck to trim hair below your waist (bikini line waxing, plucking and shaving is an exception).  “While many westernized young people have done so since the early 1990’s, these locals may have lived abroad where they were likely ravished by their Asiaphile host father.  A man who probably convinced his fat, white wife that a young female exchange student would promote world peace.  Typically young Japanese home-stayers are fouled by dozens of assorted low life, ethnic scumbags without having to damage their reputations at home.

Arai, a 38 year old bisexual who is very much aware that she is at the peak of her sensuality, emphasizes that vulnerable white men are at risk of succumbing to oriental temptation during spiritual awakening adventures in Japan.  “These Japanese (who have been romantically adventurous overseas) should be avoided sexually as they have most likely been with many dirty foreigners before you and are therefore more likely to be carriers of the AIDS among other horrid things.  Just remember – the better the English ability, the more cautious you should be.

Many western men believe that Japanese women dress more stylishly than their western counterparts.

“It’s rare that a Japanese woman with a trimmed or shaved pubic region is pure.  90% of English speaking Japanese young men on the other hand rarely get laid during their homestays abroad. If they do get laid one or two times they are lucky- they usually opt for Japanese girlfriends with low self-esteem when outside Japan.  Most Japanese males pubic hair is so plush that you can’t even see their genitals at all.  If they are shaved or trimmed, there is a 99% chance they also have homosexual tendencies.”

STD’s come high on Arai’s list of warnings, but she is also keen to remind westerners that they are always being watched in Japan.  “Japanese men generally have a complex about penile size when compared to non-Asian men.  While they always boast that they are harder, they are actually quite smaller.  Japanese men will always try to sneak a peak at foreign men’s wieners at urinals.  If you are pee shy, black or very big, I would advise to only use a stall.  In my lovers’ experiences, even if there are 20 empty spots, a local will park right next to them and try to get a peek and sometimes even start some friendly banter about their beautiful cocks.”

Petite Japanese women can be a breath of fresh air for men arriving from places like Germany and the USA in particular.

The giant bush is an easy method to conceal what is probably lacking.  A nub may be visible if you are lucky.  This also is a cultural matter as a race where public nudity is frequent and expected, the bits should be hidden as much as possible, as nature intended. You on the other hand, should be well groomed.  Japanese women expect foreigners to be partially or completely shaved.  If you are not, you will be thought of as a barbarian.

Arai goes on to address the fallacy that normal Japanese women care about technology.  “They don’t,” she laughs.  “Stop babbling about your wonderful phone with all the trimmings. She doesn’t want to hear it and is only acting interested.  You might as well be speaking Klingon to her, you stupid piece of shit.  And, nobody in Japan knows how to handle the latest technology anyway.

Westerners residing in Japan will quickly realize that there is an abundance of single Japanese men.

“The only broads who care about that type of stuff are total losers you don’t want to be seen with anyway,” stresses Arai.  “Go shove your top-of-the-range limited edition stuff up your pimply ass and save that talk for your dorky, Akihabara loving buddies.  I know for a fact that there ain’t an app out yet that’s gonna get her off sexually.  Japanese women don’t care in the least, so talk about some other nonsense; How much you like Disney characters, how much you want to go shopping in Hawaii with her, or how cute her ugly, French bag is.”

The key, continues Arai, is to lay off the pretension.  She says that Japanese women are not as gullible as they once may have been.  “It’s true that at one time all a westerner had to do was take some black and white photos or mention that he had made a film in college or knew Quentin Tarantino.  Local women would believe they were making love to a future star.  That just doesn’t work these days, even if you actually are on a Trey Parker style animation odyssey.  That goes for all the vloggers who jump online without an ounce of quality content.  The local women aren’t falling for that empty nonsense now.  You’ve gotta up your game.”

Lazy lesbians’ lackluster licking leads to lamented loss of lasciviousness

Former star Ai Uehara enjoying her retirement. Could a mercy performance be on the cards?

JAV legend Asoko Nureta has ripped into modern actresses for their poor tongue skills throughout the last two or three years following dismal showings in movies nominated for the 2019 JAV Awards.

Speaking at an informal luncheon at a Nakano Italian restaurant, Nureta called the young actress’ cunnilingus skills as “atrocious” and the reason why they have underachieved compared to the overseas stars.

“The reason Japanese actresses are not where they should be is because their oral performance is atrocious and lacking in all aspects,” said the star of seminal movies such as “A Finger in the Pillow Princess” and “A Dildo Between Friends”.

“This is in normal circumstances disgraceful mattresswork.  If you want to know why the actresses are where they are and frightened of ending up forcefully retired and living in one room apartments in Ibaragi, it’s because of this.”

Many punters have been left yearning for the days when Maki Hamada knew just what was demanded by her adoring fans.

Dressed in a tight but stylish cashmere dress and knee-high boots, Nureta laid out her views on the current crop of performers.  “Viewers want to see young women slurping away greedily, just as a Jamaican would when he’s tasting the sweetest pussy he’s ever encountered.  But, they are not getting that reaction. 

“Many actresses seem to believe that the uniforms they’re wearing are enough to get the punters interested.  They have to understand that it takes more than that to make something of quality that the consumer will want to see again and again.” 

Following a bright start to the decade, lesbian actress’ form has tapered, particularly in the school uniform genre, where they haven’t produced a big seller since 2016.

Nureta suggested that the actress’ struggles may be due to a mental block on the part of some of them not being broad-minded enough to get fully into the lesbian spirit demanded by the scenarios.

It looks fun, but the some say that standards are slipping in the much-hyped uniform and costume genre.

“The orgasms that I see today just don’t have a velocity reaching anywhere near explosive.  While I’ll admit that there are outliers where we can see a bit of spray and a bit of shuddering, the climaxing has generally become underwhelming and it’s due to the poor tongue action.”

Recently the lack of dynamism has been discussed on SNS by consumers, but’s it’s not until now that someone from inside the industry, with such standing, has come out to address the downward trend in girl-on-girl action scenes.

“It’s fun and light-hearted to French kiss another chick while giving their boobs a working over, but it’s when things get horizontal, that’s when things need to get hot.  

“But it’s just not happening at the moment.  It’s not a good look for the girls, and it’s not a good look for the industry as a whole.  Some of the actresses need to ask themselves if they’re into girls just as much as the viewers at home.”