These posh London parties are a thing of the past for Pankhurst, the far-east venturer.
“I kneecap myself on a daily basis on the desks,” moans Darrell Pankhurst. “Both the desks and the chairs are too low for the bodies of modern people. The state of all the office furniture is awful, and the working conditions in general are absolutely appalling. Management doesn’t know what OH&S means. I find it abhorrent that we leave our homes and make our way to the this distant Oriental land, only to be treated like low ranking sailors on a Victorian era naval vessel. Our treatment is probably worse, to be honest, because we don’t receive a daily ration of fresh fruit and rum, and we don’t have an exercise regime featuring sea shanties.
A frown to go with the dissatisfaction of living in Japan.
Pankhurst has been in Japan for only three weeks, but that hasn’t stopped him from quickly summing up the situation with the brash assertiveness that he acquired through his public school education.“My colleagues aren’t of the right stock either. Some of them end sentences with prepositions, which I find absolutely ghastly. It doesn’t matter if they’re from Canada, America, or the Antipodes. These people butcher the language the same way a bunch of unruly Vietnamese peasants will butcher a buffalo.
Tables… The lower the better as far as Japan is concerned.
“Most of all, however, I’m dismayed at the horrid selection of biscuits in the teachers room. I mean, they look like nice, round, yummy biscuits, but it’s a case of style over content. When you try to dunk these in tea, the biscuit falls apart in record time. That’s because there’s no substance to them here. The bread’s largely the same way, too. It’s a funny old world, isn’t it? I find that I can easily manage without my weekly walk through Hampstead Heath or my monthly dose of discipline from a stern-faced woman of Jamaican heritage. Yes, indeed. What I’ve found is that it’s the little things that really matter.
Sitting’ pretty. The boss gets a big desk with a nice view.
“Oh, what I’d do for a good pint of beer, a decent biscuit with tea, and a buxom woman with love handles just beginning to make the presence known, who you can roger from behind without getting her to position herself on a phonebook first. That brings me to the width of sandwiches. A BLT here does have bacon, lettuce, and tomato, but it’s a minimum of serving for each. Your typical Japanese sandwich could easily fit through a letter box opening. Package sizes reflect the breast sizes here. You’re just not getting enough. Ten tea bags in a pack!? Don’t make me laugh.”
Even a beloved cup of tea can’t fully soothe the perennial whinger.
Despite all the complaints, Pankhurst shakes his head when the suggestion of returning home is brought up. “That would be fine, except the people at my company here need me. If I’m not here, then the critical things won’t be done, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself heading home under those circumstances. Now… where was I… ? Oh, yes – restaurants; serving sizes in restaurants are a joke too. Who’s satisfied with 150 grams of mince in a hamburg steak with a minute portion of potato wedges? My goodness! They could measure everything with a teaspoon in this country. What on earth is going on in this bloody country? Are we experiencing a second Siege of Khartoum or something here!?”
Their happy because their favourite teacher is returning.
Paul Foschini is back. He’s back at high school in Kanagawa and enjoying his teaching once again after an anxious spring break. At the end of the 2024/25 school year, there had been concerns that Paul’s creepy record was finally hitting tipping point. But, in a land where teachers can avoid prison time altogether and get quietly moved on after banging a student, Paul has his twelve month contract safely in his breast pocket.
Fearing that his behaviour, his statements (“Some of these girls really know to rock a uniform,” and, “If I were ten years younger, I’d be deeper than Jacques Cousteau in that class”), and his general gazing habits had caught up with him, Foschini had been checking airfares for a return trip to Brisbane via Thailand. A buttock fondling incident, where he was found to have caressed a 16 year old girl’s backside, is all in the past after the hierarchy accepted his excuse that he had mistaken a short pleated skirt for his poorly placed tartan-patterned concertina file.
A classic tartan-patterned concertina file; an accident waiting to happen.
Foschini’s plans aren’t all geared towards keeping his innermost desires in check, however. An avid guitarist and singer/songwriter, Foschini still has plans to come up with more songs. “I’ll make an effort to continue to play my acoustic guitar in a park after school while chugging beers, but I won’t be choosing to do that in the park located between the school and the train station. I’ll also be clearing out my hard-drive, but I have to make sure that I don’t recklessly delete pics of my wife and daughter at the same time.
“Yes – things weren’t looking rosy after the buttock fondling scandal, but now I’m looking forward to the 2025/26 school year, and my goals are not to ride in the school elevator with a student, not to have unnecessary conversations with students in hallways during the ten minute breaks, not to take loads of photographs of students during sports day, and not to make moves on any teachers, especially if they’re married,” beamed the 38 year old Queenslander.
Foschini often likes to spend time at the bottom of stairs in order to promote safety at the school.
A man known to be discerning in his choice of sacrifices, Foschini outlined his intentions to hang on to at least one other habit. “My all-nighters in Roppongi before a morning schedule will probably remain in my regime. Sure, I may stink like a Nui Dat brothel when I stagger into school, but it gives a certain edge to the class, which students wouldn’t get with a responsible, professionally-minded teacher.”
Not content to simply renew the controversial teacher’s contract, the school has decided to assign him more lessons this year. Faculty head Hizamazuku Kareshimae explained that the injection of color and dynamism was behind the decision. “He brings that je ne sais quoi to the lessons. As you know, most foreign teachers here often have all the personality of a worm’s desiccated semen. We know he’s a Section 8, a FUBAR, but if we wanted quality we wouldn’t be recruiting from within Japan where you can almost certainly only find deadbeat beta losers. As long as he doesn’t hover too long at the base of the staircase to get a glimpse of panties we believe we can handle him.”
A fun-loving group of westerners enjoying a stroll through Ginza.
Last month’s in-depth article about tour guide Todd Featherby’s fall from grace has resulted in a huge response from readers from around the world, most who just wanted juicier stories about famous people. Pathetic, really. Anyway, although showing regret over his decision to spill his guts to us last month, Featherby apparently had nothing better to do than to address your enquiries. So, it’s over to you, dear readers…
The Clooneys went casual for their big day out in Tokyo.
Dezső Kárpáti, Hungary: Did you end up getting a tip out of George Clooney?
TF: Let me tell you – yes! He gave me a couple of crisp notes and then Amal suggested a beer in the park. The Clooneys both had a can of Ebisu, while I had a Green label Kirin! Now, this drink is really disgusting. It’s the preferred beverage of the Ibaragi warehouse worker. I can’t stand the stuff, so I just took tiny sips while chatting away with them. I thought George would be a good sport about it, but he refused to make eye contact with me throughout the 20 minutes that we spent chilling in the park.
Shibuya gets to witness the last days of the quiff.
Pedro Anselmo, Uruguay: What was the frostiest exchange between Morrissey and Johnny Marr?
TF: Oh wow! Where do I start? Morrissey would just relate everything back to when he was a big star in America in the 90’s. He’d say stuff like, “I was told about this shrine when I was in Chicago in 1993, just after I’d played my second sold out show there. The crowd loved those shows more for the great guitar riffs than my singing, really.” Marr, for his part, would go in deep by saying, “Shall I ring the bell at this place, or do you want to? I’m asking because we don’t want you running back home to your mum like you did while recording our last album.” They both traded barbs like, “This tori gate is enormous, almost as big as your ego, eh Moz.” It was back and forth all day.
More wa than thou.
Juma Lumago, Uganda: How annoying did Ed Norton get during the tour?
TF: Ed’s one of those people who knows if it’s left over right or right over left when putting on a yukata. He chooses to take a dump in a Japanese toilet. He knows the type of flowers associated with mourning. I lost patience when he talked about the Japanese words which hadn’t an English equivalent. I managed to offer English words or phases each time which he did not like at all. We’re talking about hatanai (fleeting), mizore (sleet), and komorebi (sunlight filtering through the trees). Ed didn’t like that and then talked about how, as an actor, he had a special relationship with the essence of words and phrases on an existential level. Make of that what you will.
The vast array of hosts can be overwhelming.
Elita Jurkjāne, Latvia: Did you get intimate with any of the people on your tours?
TF: I had the chance with a couple of fading stars. I had a lovely day out with a woman who I got along really well with. We had been sharing jokes and stories, and then she said to me, “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” So, I took her to one of those garish host clubs where those over-coiffed gigolos get women to order over-priced champagne. With the glitter balls and the stench of hairspray and cologne, she got sensory overload as soon as she walked into to place, and she hated it. She looked around for five minutes and then pouted at me, whining, “This isn’t what I meant.” Then she stormed off in a huff. I guess no one told her it was gonna be that way.
Hay fever prevention is taken seriously at the Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society.
Shaina Faria Tisha, Bangladesh: Can you tell us more about the Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society?
TF: Where shall I begin? They basically just exist, without doing anything of note, like Canada at a G7 summit. They’re a little bit like Neighborhood Watch, a little bit lefty NGO, a little bit Secret Police, a little bit bored retirees looking for a reason to get out of bed, and a little bit progressive group sex ring. You’ve really gotta be careful about approaching them. If you don’t get your timing right, well…
Time to stay at least an arm’s length away from the man.
Moetai le Gayic, Tahiti: I applaud you on the way you spoke so diplomatically with regard to your celebrity clients. Having said that, however, I’d love to hear some dirt on Russell Crowe.
TF: A lot of rich people have bodyguards to keep the public away from them, but in the case of Russell Crowe, his minder is there to keep Russell away from the general public. Crowe liked the izakaya that I took him to. He liked the karaage, the yakitori, and the squid. He liked the sake too, both hot and cold. I mean… Crowe was a nice guy until the 10th glass of sake. He had lost count of how many red lanterns that he’d bought, and he accused me of stealing one while he was taking a pee. He just wouldn’t believe me no matter how many times I denied it. In the end he said, “I’d give you a tip, but it seems like you’ve already helped yourself to one.” He called me two days later to apologise after he’d checked his receipt. I accepted his apology, but you can’t forget something like that.
Just how many dead bodies might this disused shaft be hosting?
And that’s where we’ll leave Featherby, as he moves into the future, positioning himself to be fully prepared for when the beautiful people decide that the remote, kangaroo poo dotted Western Australian Goldfields is the place to visit.
“You know… my tours were fantastic,” says Todd Featherby over a quiet beer. “So many people came on them, and they all learned a great deal and had a lot of fun. I used to tell people stuff that wasn’t even related to the site that we were at. It’s hard sitting here in Kalgoorlie, knowing that someone else is there in Japan doing what I used to do, but not doing as good a job as I used to do.”
Serenity now? That all depends on local attitudes.
Featherby is sitting by a window in a pub in Western Australia’s gold mining heartland, a completely different world to the one he left behind. It was a world of adventure, where famous people came to him with the expectation of being led around the historic wonders of Tokyo. “Yeah… I had some big names on my bespoke tours. It didn’t start out that way. I certainly didn’t set out to cater to celebrities, but I guess after taking care of a couple of big players, my name was shared around on their exclusive celebrity network that they have.”
Just don’t make eye-contact with him when he’s drinking.
Ordinary people also took Featherby’s tours, but nobody cares about them, so I just asked for some stories about world famous stars and if they did anything weird or obnoxious on the tours. “One of my first clients was Russell Crowe,” embarks Featherby. “He was alright, until he got a bit of sake into him. Then you had to be a bit careful. I took him to Kappabashi where he bought some red lanterns for his garden. Apparently he used to hang out at a pub which had them, but then he was banned after some kind of incident which wasn’t even his fault. So he wanted to replicate the aura of that pub’s beer garden by doing the same thing at home. Clever guy!
More in tune with the wa than thou.
“Ed Norton came on one of my tours, too,” explains the sinewy 41 year old Australian. “Nice guy, but really proud of the time that he spent in Japan a long time ago. He kept telling me that it wasn’t the first time he’d been in Japan, and he wanted me to know that he was down with Japan more than me. I don’t know why he just didn’t sightsee by himself, to be honest.”
Morrissey and Johnny Marr getting some peace, love, and harmony.
Once you get a name in the sightseeing industry, demand for your services can skyrocket. A good tour guide will manage their schedule well, but even then hiccups can occur, as Featherby found out. “Probably the most bizarre experience that I had was when Morrissey and Johnny Marr ended up on my tour on the same day. I got my bookings wrong and I just about died when I went to the hotel to collect Morrissey, only to see Marr there too.
Sometimes people just enjoy themselves a little too much.
“I’m sure you can imagine how I felt! Well, I tried my best to lighten the mood and get them to enjoy the day sightseeing. I really did. I even hoped that the serenity of a temple would be just what they needed to patch things up and start recording together again. Instead, the three of us spent a tense day together. It was super awkward, to be honest. Still, they both paid me full price, and neither of them tried to screw me over like they had done to the other guys in The Smiths.”
It’s all smiles until someone mentions the Japanese tv commercials.
“George Clooney and his hot altruistic wife were another attractive couple that I took around for a few hours. They’re a really charming pair, but George got a little abrasive with me when I brought up the subject of his Kirin Green Label happoshu commercials a few years back. He quickly took me to one side and told me to shut up about those ads if I wanted a good tip. I guess he’s never told Amal about his role in promoting such a bad product.”
Clooney and the low-brow beverage that he once put his name to.
It wasn’t just a bunch of people of European stock that Featherby showed around town. His services were available to anyone who signed up, and that included Osaka Naomi. “She was super proud of being able to write her name in hiragana, and she pointed out that as she was Japanese she didn’t write her name in katakana. However, when I asked her if she watched Anpanman or Doraemon with her child, she told me that she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.”
Osaka Naomi showing off her hiragana skills.
I even took care of one of the stars of Bad Boys, Martin Lawrence. It was a bit daunting having to look after such a big name. I suggested to him that being in Japan must be nice as he can go around being unrecognised for a change. He just smiled wistfully and looked off into the distance silently, perhaps just realising for the first time how far he’d come in show business.”
Lawrence sightseeing stealthily, and avoiding his legion of fans.
Being a tour guide to the stars, Featherby was clearly top dog in the sightseeing game. He had people wanting to have coffee with him, actors wanting to kick on partying with him, and women wanting to sleep with him. It seemed too good to go on forever, and it didn’t.
Just remember to keep it solemn and sincere at religious sites.
“It fell apart so quickly,” sighs Featherby. “I was making bank every day, but then a local busybody started getting on my case. First she snapped at my clients for blocking footpaths. Then she accused me of being a modern crusader trying to bring Christianity to the temples and shrines.
Beer-swilling westerners didn’t exactly endear locals to Featherby’s cause.
“Finally, she and her time-rich buddies claimed that we were clapping without due sincerity at the beginning of prayers made at the shrines. It’s just a single clap that you do when you pray or make a wish. They determined that my clients weren’t doing it with the appropriate level of spirituality. That was the basis of their campaign. It sank me. They launched a hate campaign and rag-dolled me at every turn.
The Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society were largely unsympathetic to Featherby’s situation.
“I tried to suck up to them to get them to end their campaign. I asked them to teach me the spiritually correct way to clap when praying, but they just told me that as I was a foreigner there was no way I could acquire the right technique. I tried to appeal to the influential Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society, but they just sipped their green tea and mumbled. Look, I can see incredulity written all over your face, but this actually happens in Japan. If you think that this is unbelievable, just wait to hear my hook-up stories.”
Featherby with the 1000 yard stare as the memories come flooding back.
As I leave, I wished Featherby luck in getting his Goldfields tour up and running. You just never know, maybe the Clooneys will be contacting him so that they can check out a deep fly-blown hole containing a dead body in Australia’s arid interior in the near future. In the sightseeing world, you just never know.
78 year old Ibaraki local Shukketsu Komon was forced to spend three days in hospital due to the intense pain that came from an incident which led to a grossly swollen tongue. It appears that Komon inadvertently became mixed up with a group of western sightseers at one of Ibaraki’s barely-worth-visiting old temples, which lead to a xenophobic passive-aggressive panic attack.
“I was so surprised, because they weren’t supposed to be where I saw them.”
According to bystanders, Komon appeared rattled, before collecting himself and recovering to a state of contempt for the people in his vicinity. However, as Komon tried to escape from the barbarians, one of them asked him in broken, but understandable, Japanese if he happened to know where the toilets were located. It was at this point that Komon’s tongue went into full clicking overdrive. Not knowing that he was showing his disgust for the white man, the considerate holidaymakers thought he was having a seizure, and gathered around him to help.
A temple
Trying to awaken from his nightmare, Komon frantically continued looking for an escape route, but there was none to be found. Said one witness, “He was like a fish on the docks, wriggling around and gasping for oxygen.” The cultural-bridge building tourists eventually helped him to the police box to get assistance, only to be met with slow-witted cops whose first thought was to check the foreigners’ passports. Onlookers stated that the tongue-clicking had been going on the entire time these actions were taking place.
“I’m still in so much shock that I’ve forgotten how to do my pants up.”
Now occupying a comfortable bed in the local old-folks home, Komon has shown signs of recovery, although with the in-house tv channel showing Bad News Bears Go To Japan, Mr Baseball, and You Only Live Twice on a loop, along with the special McDonald’s Monday lunch, Komon many have a long road ahead of him.
Hot babes like these are absolutely everywhere in Tokyo.
“In the northern hemisphere, the water swirls around the drain clockwise, whereas in the southern hemisphere it drains anti-clockwise.” It was merely a well-know fact and it certainly shouldn’t have resulted in the young lady’s knickers moistening. Yet moisten they did, and 23 year old Asami Makino made up her mind that she would get to know the fact bearer, Tyrone Mosely, more intimately that evening.
Alcohol is still a vital element in the dating game.
It came as no surprise to Mosely, who carries the little fun fact with him to all the bars around Tokyo. “It’s just a bit of trivia that barely any local chicks know about. I’ve had success with it a few times,” explains the slightly annoying man from Dunedin as we enjoyed tea and scones at an establishment located just off Takeshita Street, Harajuku. “I often like to follow that by explaining that New Zealand and Japan are basically in the same timezone. I use that line to establish feelings of solidarity.”
Tokyo has the finest bar staff all ready to facilitate casual dating. Some may even slip you a mickey if you let your guard down.
Mosely, who has never been able to successfully pick up a girl in New Zealand, reels off name after name of local ladies and the bars where he’s met them. A meticulous Nampa-Meister, he even carefully records the lines he uses so that he can statistically improve his chances of getting laid at least twice a month. “I have a fun-fact which I like to call my daisy-cutter, and it’s where I explain that Christmas is in summer in New Zealand, and that we spend all day outside by the pool. I can usually start thinking about which love hotel to visit upon delivering that one.”
Stylish bars with highly qualified bar staff, and less riff-raff, are common throughout Tokyo.
Despite the apparent ease of getting girls into the sack, picking up isn’t always a cakewalk for the 31 year old. “Sometimes I feel that the chick needs a little more mental stimulation. That’s when I’ll lead us into an argument over whether or not lamb is delicious. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard that line about Japanese people not liking lamb. So, I like to deliver my haymaker, which is asking, ‘So what about lamb barbecue in Hokkaido? Are you saying that all those people aren’t Japanese!?’ Heads spin after that, and I’ll suggest a love hotel when she’s off balance. After our urgent love making, I like to ask, “So… Are you still anti-lamb?’ That question always gets a vigorous shake of the head.”
Ordering sake by name can be one way to impress a local lass. Not all will be impressed though, so this may not necessarily boost your chances.
Reminding Mosely that I would be publishing our interview, I asked him if he was worried about other Antipodeans coming to Japan and cutting his grass. “Not at all,” he laughed. “In fact, if my tips lead to more sex for my Southern Cross brethren, I’ll be rejoicing. Just as long as they all steer clear of the Ebisu/Gotanda area, mind you. I’m seeing more and more familiar faces these days. It’s like the western players are fighting it out over the same small pool of accessible babes. The words “stirring” and “porridge” are kind of hard to avoid, to be honest. While all this skirt chasing is fun, if I were a man with any self-respect, I would have gotten out of this game a long time ago.”
Last month’s review of the much-anticipated Tokyo Pedestrian 2 has prompted many of our loyal readers to contact us, keen to put their views forward. So, we thought that it would only be fair to share as many perspectives on the game as possible with all our readers. Here we go…
Glen Forrest: Tell me. Do you have some kind of contract with Mari Cart? They feature in the game, yet you chose to ignore them in your game review. What’s the deal with that? Are you on their books now, being paid not to present them in a negative light?
GJ: I have no relationship whatsoever with the organisation that you’ve mentioned. Since you’ve brought the subject up, I’ll tell you about something that apparently happened last week. One Canadian tourist objected to wearing a costume, claiming that they were “silly”. The tour guide wasn’t having any of that attitude though. He got right in the tourist’s face and said, “You think the costumes are silly, do you!? Let me tell you about something else that is silly; grown adults paying to ride around these busy city streets in go-karts while 10 ton trucks driven by juiced up Ibaraki rednecks pass within touching distance. Put your costume on before I shove that go-pro up your jacksie, film it, and put it on Tik Tok so that all your followers can see what a clown you are!” It seems that customers have to hand in their international driving licenses, their day-packs, and their self-respect before going on a tour.
Nurete Hibaritsuku: I played the game over the weekend, and I was disappointed to find that there were no Russian prostitutes at all on the streets. I live in Roppongi and I when I leave my apartment in the morning I occasionally have to dodge the girls who are still searching for that last customer of the night. They perform a vital role in removing the frustration from randy punters who have failed to get anywhere with a decent girl. It’s criminal that these hard working girls have been overlooked.
GJ: The way some of the western tourists dress, it’s hard to distinguish who is who on the streets, to be honest.
Ryozen Ichimoku: Have the games creators gone woke? There’s not one Nigerian tout on the streets in the night version of the game. And you say that the creative team have their finger on the pulse of modern Tokyo!? That’s absolute nonsense. “Reality based” – my arse!
GJ: You obviously haven’t reached the higher stages of the night version yet. Keep trying, and the Nigerians will appear. Just don’t engage with them!
Bruce Jefferson: I’m concerned about the personal information that you included in your article about Professor Allen Tunks. Wouldn’t you call the details regarding his awkward and humiliating domestic situation an invasion of privacy?
GJ: I was hesitant to include those details. However, when I asked Professor Tunks if I could quote him on the relevant comments, he snapped and ranted about self-censoring journalists. His most pertinent words were, “If I don’t want to be quoted on something, then I damn well won’t say anything. I stand by any words that come out of my mouth. Just do your job and print them.”
Thatcher Menzies: I’ve got a beef with this Grant Swanbourne chap (the game’s chief developer). He speaks disparagingly of the young women’s fashions in Tokyo. He’s really shown that he has the blinkers on, I’m afraid. Sure, the Victorian style long dresses can be seen and, yes, they are a rather big cock softener. However, the classic Tokyo combo of the short skirt and CFM boots can still be seen every day in places like Ebisu, Daikanyama, and Naka Meguro. He can DM me if he wants proof. I have plenty of pictures and video.
GJ: Thanks for this information. By complete coincidence, our plans for our end-of-year functions have been finalised, and they will be held in each of these places.
Hilary Whitford: You need to give credit where it’s due. I can’t believe how many people there are who either walk or ride their bicycle diagonally across the zebra crossing. They treat the road like a demolition derby. They don’t care about anyone. It’s like they’re shopping in the Costco meat section. The game’s creators have cleverly included this aspect of Tokyo, and it’s just one of the things I love about it.
GJ: You are quite right. It is a part of life in Tokyo. The feeling of shoulder checking this kind of person is so satisfying. It’s good to do it in the game too.
Tig Bergenson: Is it just me or are there barely any schoolgirls in the game? I was kind of hoping that I’d be able to interact with a few of them as I walked around Tokyo.
GJ: You want to fraternize with Japanese high school girls, do you? What are you going to talk about; K-pop, strawberry desserts, or fashion accessories?
And… that’s where we’ll end this little bit of interaction. Keep the feedback coming, and keep your support coming. In this day and age of failing news sources, your feedback and support means so much to us. Don’t forget; when you keep us informed, we can keep everyone informed.
Tokyo Pedestrian is already considered to be one of the best games of all time, and this may very well be its new definitive version. Everything that was good about the original has been enhanced for the sequel and this new version is nothing short of a near-perfect new version of the beloved and iconic game. Ten years since the original was released, the 2024 version delivers much more than even the most outlandish expectations. Both the streetscapes and the NPCs are the result of meticulous research conducted in various parts of Tokyo’s must-visit areas.
“We always had plans for an updated version,” explained chief developer, Grant Swanbourne. “We were simply waiting for the right time. Tokyo is hot at the moment. Everything about the place is hot… except the fashions worn by the young women. Christ! Have they all been watching Anne of Green Gables or something!? Anyway, our marketing department demanded that we drop everything and put all of our resources into this game. The results tend to reflect this. What we have here is the best game of the decade so far, and it’s going to be big, too.”
Once again, Practice Mode’s empty streets allow timid or nervous players the chance to ease their way into the game.
The goal is still the same; negotiating the streets of Tokyo in order to get to an important meeting on time. What isn’t the same, however, are the obstacles; a quiet street can quickly be transformed by a busload of Chinese tourists wielding fat suitcases, a family of overweight westerners getting excited over some oriental architecture will slow you down, while e-scooters ridden by irresponsible, inconsiderate, indecisive knuckleheads swerve left and right.
Elsewhere, thanks to the shrinking pool of available funds in the maintenance budget, crumbling sidewalks lie in wait, ready to trip up the young go-getter in a hurry. YouTubers pop up regularly, mainly white guys asking Japanese girls what they think of white guys. Japanese TV crews are also out and about asking westerners, but not Asians, what they like about Japan. Interestingly, they don’t ask tourists what they don’t like about Japan.
A typical Tokyo scramble, which gives non-tax paying pedestrians just as much right as tax-paying drivers to be on the street.
Not everyone is thrilled with the game, however. Allen Tunks, an Emeritus Sociology Professor at Ushikome University, has expressed concern at the apparent viewing of everyday people going about their spiritually unfulfilling lives as obstacles to be negotiated. “Rather than getting points for avoiding these people on the street, I’d like to see points awarded for interaction,” said the 78 year old intellectual. “Doing something helpful like pointing the way to the nearest McDonald’s or politely advising a 45 year old woman that her underwear is visible and nobody wants to see it. These are the kinds of things that ought to be rewarded.”
Tunks also addressed the term, “Non-Player Character”, which has been described as offensive in some circles. “I guess, in terms of the actual game, the phrase is appropriate. It’s when people use the term to describe real people, though; that’s where it becomes a concern. Like it or not, we are all in this world together, and we need to recognise that we all have the right to participate in life’s great adventure.
Stealth, speed, and a lack of consideration is required to master this fantastic game.
“Nobody deserves to be regarded as a non-player character,” continued the elderly homosexual. “Having said that, my life would be a whole lot better if my ex-boyfriend’s new boyfriend had been less of a participant in the action at that club in Shinjuku a few years ago. It’s tough with the three of us living under the same roof. And to think we were just going out for a couple of cocktails…”
Whatever your thoughts on non-playing characters, it must be said that Tokyo Pedestrian 2 has added a great selection of characters that weren’t as frequently seen when the original was released. We’re talking about westerners sporting ridiculous tattoos, western women proudly showing off too much cleavage, and the ubiquitous smartphone zombies walking in a way that invites a shoulder check (which the game allows you to dish out). Credit to the designers; they have their collective finger on the pulse of Tokyo.
Highly-skilled players can move to the advanced level which adds drunks and pools of vomit to the challenge.
It has to be said that the entire creative team behind Tokyo Pedestrian 2 have really done their homework, and it’s led to one of the best games that I’ve played in months. It’s a journey through a modern city with great dialogue and it can be a lot of fun, especially when you stuff up someone’s live stream from Shibuya (tears earn bonus points). Hopefully this will inspire players to take a look at their own cities with a fresh perspective, rather than to inspire more people to fly to Japan and add to the ever increasing tsunami of tourists.
In exciting news, a Saitama version of the game is expected depending on the sales performance of Tokyo Pedestrian 2. The relevant online forums are already abuzz about the game which is set to feature a slightly different fare, with rogue Kurdish families having amped-up conversations on the street at midnight, debt-burdened rev heads in illegally modified hotrods, and sour-faced hookers from The Philippines and China.
The attractive couple in the 90s bank advertisement.
“Think about it; when was the last time you heard the word “snazzy” used in a non-ironic way? Close your eyes and think, and think. Go on… Think a little more. It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? And that’s just one of a slew of English words that are facing extinction.”
This is how globally-renowned linguistics expert Bartholomew Dankworth opened his intimate discussion in Tokyo last week where it was revealed that a new project was being launched to revive various nigh-forgotten words., with “snazzy” being used to highlight the challenges and goals. “To allow people to really imagine introducing these words back into their everyday lives, we’ve chosen words that fit within themes still relevant to the average person. Within these themes, we’ve identified lost words that are both interesting and thought-provoking, in the hope of helping people re-engage with language of old. It’s here in Japan that we’ll start the ball rolling. We think the whole project will be seen as snazzy, so to speak,” chortled the unfashionable boffin.
Professor Dankworth holds court at the conference.
“The last time the word was used confidently, by a regular person, was in a home loan commercial on Australian television in the early 90s,” asserted Professor Dankworth to his audience at Ushigome University. “The word was used by an actor playing the role of a home loan applicant in response to seeing a bank’s home loan repayment calculator which predicted savings of lots of money. So, even then, the word wasn’t really used in the correct way. Since then, however, the word has been solely used by smart-assed young people who have a tendency to roll their eyes and speak in increasingly disrespectful tones.”
The question that remains, however, is why this initiative is kicking off in Tokyo. Veteran Assistant Language Teacher Kilbey Wilson-Piper explained the project from a teacher’s perspective. “As a professional teacher of English I was intrigued by the challenge of developing a list of lost words that are still relevant to modern life, and that we could potentially bring back into modern day language. As I and many others are at the coal-face of language teaching, I think professors saw us as seed planters. Where others look at us as dancing monkeys, learned masters of language saw an opportunity in us. They could see that our expertise could be used in a purposeful and productive way. It goes without saying that it’s exciting too.
The Professor showing his warm and engaging side, prior to zeroing in on an impressionable female student.
“There are some ALTs who won’t appreciate the weight of expectations that have been placed on them, and that makes me sad. It seems that no matter how hard I work to make a difference, there will always be those ALTs who do a minimum of prep and just want to ride the education gravy train until they become bald and limp-dicked, whereupon they’ll head home to grab some inheritance that they’re barely entitled to. It hurts to think of it, but sometimes I feel like I’m standing in an intellectual oasis surrounded by a generic Netflix viewing bunch of clowns.”
Professor Dankworth has been careful to keep emotions from getting involved in the project. “I’m tired of artistic prats cherry picking words and owning them. Words like “fabulous”, “oeuvre”, and “existential” are for everyone to use freely. “Transient”, “seminal”, and “ephemeral” come under this umbrella too, as does the precious “snazzy”. We can’t coerce the mainstream population into using these words though. Instead, we need to take a step back and allow these words to organically return to common usage by your average sports fans and Cosmopolitan readers.”
