The Japan Wanko

“Bring Forth Your TILFs!” – School Principals demand

2026年6月1日 | Author: Gerald Wilkins

“It doesn’t stand to reason,” exclaims Tokyo high school principal Shitsuyo Masaguri, “Women from that region have a reputation for being hot beyond belief, yet we end up with women who just look like regular language teachers. It’s not right.”

**This is what the educational heirarchy were expecting to see.**

Masaguri is referring to the steady stream of language teachers from The Phillipines contracted to work at schools throughout Japan. Barely seen in schools until five years ago, it seems that The Phillipines is now well represented, or even overrepresented, amongst foreign teaching staff, where once almost all teachers were hired from the Anglosphere. In other worrying signs, teachers with septum piercings, poor fashion sense, and tendencies to sprout their opinions on the American political zeitgeist to 12 year old Japanese students have also been observed teaching to some degree in classrooms.

**Failed authors tend to make themselves comfortable in Japanese high schools.**

Where once there was a buzz of excitement amongst both the straight male teachers in all faculties and the lesbians in PE and art, there are now feelings of betrayal in staff rooms. In Japan, with its falling yen and shrinking GDP and population, the introduction of women from The Phillipines was seen as a sign of hope that shone in the gloom. Classrooms were going to be invigorated, homework assignments were going to be completed, and standards were going to be raised. But, something happened along the way, which has resulted in all kinds of speculation.

**Put this woman in a classroom and absenteeism would end.**

Rumors are now rife as to why such an influx of teachers from an impoverished third world country with low education standards is occurring, although a government official responsible for the situation threw scorn on the oft-repeated theories. “There’s absolutely no basis for this nonsense that’s been going around on popular online sites,” said recruitment kingpin Koi Nyurin, “I’ve even heard that this all came about due to a deal allowing a Japanese paper company to strip a remote island of all of its timber resources. Well… That’s definitely not the case in this particular situation.”

**Off she goes, creating false expectations for schoolboys in Japan.**

Whatever the reason, more and more male Japanese teachers are voicing their frustration. Many have pointed to the lack of motivation in the classroom for the recent drop off in English exam performances. For while competent white teachers in the classrooms is a positive sign, it’s far from ideal, and suggestions have come from well-known experts in classroom philosophy. Veteran language exam writer Kotai Neneki explained that something extra had been required to arrest the slump. “We needed to veer away from the typical white teachers, be it the bald unsuccessful authors or the matronly-looking terse-faced women.

**This was supposed to be the new standard in ALT quality.**

“I’m not a fan of black women either as they all think they’re Aretha Franklin in the same way that all Irish men think they’re gifted story tellers. The point is, we needed something fresh. But, we haven’t got what we wanted, which was women that looked like they came from one of those Hollywood movies where an uptight businessman visiting a sketchy third world country leaves his hotel at night against his better judgement and gets led down the garden path by a seriously hot, exotic woman who all but destroys him. That’s the kind of woman that we were expecting.”

* Our cropping tool failed during editing – please accept our apologies for this five-person picture.

Tenured professor Reitai Kakimushira, who has nurtured generations of diplomatic translators, also expressed his dismay at the underwhelming quality of assistant teachers in Japan. “It’s critical that we achieve change immediately. Every school needs a TILF to get the boys focusing and the girls trying to better themselves. I’ve seen many old postcards from The Phillipines, which just makes me sad when I think about classrooms now. It’s criminal to see this horde of socially-awkward, ordinary-looking, low-energy women stepping into our classrooms, with English skills barely above our top students.”

**This woman would inspire all the shy boys to sing Charlie Puth songs with gusto.**

While critical opinions far outweigh the positive, lone voices can still be found in far corners. Responding promptly to our enquiries, senior Akita bureaucrat Imagoro Tadareru chose to highlight the overlooked strengths of Filipina teachers. “Unlike woke white women, the women from The Phillipines who are here are much less sensitive to sexual harassment from horny boys due to their long history of working in the water business in Japan.” This praise did come with a caveat, however, “Unfortunately most are hard on the eyes.”

“Johnny Somali was just a warm-up for the European invasion” – Seoul Cop

2026年5月1日 | Author: M. Hardwick

Special report from South Korea

**Horsing around didn’t end well for Somali.**

Amidst all the cigar smoking and backslapping following the successful prosecution of a low-brow nuisance streamer, it has been revealed that authorities expect this to be a harbinger of more to come. And they are ready for it.

“We all know that once all those cashed-up westerners are done with Japan, they’re going to head here,” explained retired policeman Kim Jung-jae gently but with a deadeye stare. “I just want you to know that if anyone wants to get cheeky with us, we’ll be happy to break out the tear gas, batons, and nasty taekwondo moves that’ll have you sobbing for your mama. You’ll find out quick smart that it’s not all spicy chicken and cute chicks with small titties in super choreographed performances here in South Korea.”

**Rioting is one of the most popular televised events in South Korea.**

Jung-jae continued without a trace of a smile, “Don’t come here and perform a haka in the middle of Myeongdong. Don’t steal a bicycle. Don’t throw a bicycle in front of a garbage truck. And for the love of God, don’t try to joyride on the back of one like you’re in a budget Fast & Furious sequel. If you feel the sudden urge to dance in a subway carriage or belt out a song in a 7-Eleven, congratulations – we’ve prepared a private, solo performance for you in one of those rancid jail cells like what you see in the movies. Ooh yeah… Some of our correctional facilities are still very much third world. This is something that everyone should keep in mind.

“You have to remember that some South Koreans live in squalor. We’ve got squatter camps where things are ten times more desperate than those in The Grapes of Wrath. If you want to come here and behave Somali-style, our legal system will make you just as poor as one of the residents there. You see, we’re technically at war here and we’ll happily use your ass as the frontline in one of our training exercises,” continued Jung-jae, who lists his favourite movies as Full Metal Jacket, Pulp Fiction, and Glengarry Glen Ross.

**Twice… actually do a pretty good Jackson 5 cover.**

“We’ll have you yelping and wailing and thinking about running north through landmine impregnated fields, with scant regard for your safety, like an American soldier defecting so as to avoid a tour in Vietnam,” said the terrifyingly expressionless square-jawed veteran of law enforcement, his voice providing absolutely no hint of emotion.

“Maybe we’ll go too hard on you and you’ll end up in a quaint hospital being attended to by a beautiful nurse, whose crisp white uniform will gently brush against your arm, and you’ll feel warm in sunshine’s glove. And that’s when we’ll bust into your sweet dreams and start the treatment all over again. We’ll make you want to trade all those online clicks, views, and subscriber numbers for a glimpse of freedom, which you won’t get.

**South Korean nurses in tv dramas are among the most attentive and attractive nurses in the world.**

“It pains me to think that our contribution to the good fight during the Vietnam War is often overlooked. Our soldiers developed a particularly brutal reputation which preceded them wherever they went. I won’t allow history to forget this, and one way to prevent this from happening is to use any smart ass western clown to remind everyone just how vengeful we can be. To this end, we’ll give you a special K-Pop lesson in singing and dancing in hot pants. Oh yes! We’ll teach you how to sing like a wounded canary and dance like a cat on hot bricks. As for the hot pants, I’m sure we can find a way to make them chafe with every step you take.”

“Happy travels, now,” signed off Jung-jae with a touch of icy sincerity. “Stick to the paths. Obey the signs. And for the sake of your ribcage and your dignity… maybe don’t livestream. Seriously, don’t mess with a country where it’s still technically legal to eat dog.”

Eikaiwa Deadbeat Notches Up 10th Pink Slip

2026年4月7日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

**A smile despite the circumstances and the reputation**

In a stunning display of consistency that has left recruiters across the Kanto region both baffled and quietly impressed, 38-year-old Taylor McSweeney has today received his tenth pink slip from yet another eikaiwa chain, cementing his status as the undisputed endurance champion of getting canned in the English conversation industry.

Sources close to the situation (mostly other foreign teachers who still remember his name from LINE group chats three jobs ago) confirm that McSweeney was let go from Smile English Academy earlier this week after a tenure of exactly eight months, his longest stint since 2022.

**An independent language school could be next for McSweeney.**

“Taylor was… enthusiastic,” explained branch manager Horinuma Ikegawa, speaking on condition of anonymity because company policy forbids discussing former employees who still occasionally show up asking if the “staff curry rice” is still half-price for ex-teachers. “He arrived each day with great energy. Unfortunately, that energy was mostly directed toward explaining why ‘literally’ can now mean ‘figuratively,’ why pineapple on pizza is a war crime, and how his ‘vibes-based’ lesson plan was superior to the company-approved textbook.”

McSweeney’s decade-long pink-slip collection reads like a depressing travel brochure of Japan’s eikaiwa landscape, yet last week when we sat down at the counter of a rather nice Spanish restaurant he was still happy to fill in the details which bare statistics are unable to show. “I guess my most spectacular dismissal came after my gross indifference to a company class which led to us losing a contract. That class sucked though. They were all a bunch of stiffs. Oh… hang on… Maybe that was the second most spectacular dismissal. There was a time when I went out to an izakaya with a kids coordinator who let his guard down and told me that he had the hots for a cute staff member. I kind of revealed this little secret to everyone the next day on Teams. He was humiliated. She was embarrassed. I was fired. It may have been a dick move by me, but I thought that there was a chance that the two would hook up as a result of my report. They didn’t though. In fact, he quit the company shortly after I left.”

**This organisation may well be on the lookout for someone with McSweeney’s experience.**

Without a hint of remorse, the prolific Redditor from Milwaukee continued. “There was an incident at another place where I went off on a rant about how Ebonics was not proper English while doing a daring impression of an inner-city black guy. That was ridiculous as my argument was well supported with well-researched notes, albeit delivered in an abrupt manner. Also, my acting was outstanding and completely on point. I was disappointed that colleagues allowed their biased social views to cloud their judgement. Open minds, people! Open minds!”

Numerous disrequests regarding his tendency to provide his opinions on the American political landscape saw him kicked out of the prestigious Starry Sky Language School after ten months. “I was just trying to make people see reason, and grasp simple common sense.” And making moves on a high school girl didn’t help at the Pacific Bridge Conversation School. “I just want to point out that she had come directly from her Graduation Ceremony. Yes – she was in her uniform, but she was no longer a high school student. I asked her out for coffee, as I thought she wanted to talk more about her uncertain future. I was just trying to be a source of encouragement, a guiding light. An 18 year old woman can be particularly vulnerable to lecherous opportunists, so I was prepared to be her protective pillar of strength.”

**Sometimes the cops raid the suburban schools looking for illegal Carpenters CDs.**

Trouble followed McSweeney to the Davis Language College, where he fell foul of a VIP student. “We were talking about the stray cats of Tokyo, and I asked her if she thought they should all be euthanised. Once I had explained the word to her, she was horrified. She was having an affair with the owner, so she demanded that I be fired. What a bunny boiler! She’s probably great in the sack though.”

A man with a passion for photography, ice hockey, manga, jazz music, martial arts, military history, and women, McSweeney’s mind seems to be on everything but his day job. Sometimes referred to as “The Walking Opinion” by former colleagues, he acknowledges that his tongue, personality, demeanour, and built-in assumptions can get him into trouble. “I want to assure you and your readers that had I not been fired for all the reasons that I was, I would probably have been dismissed for tardiness anyway,” he asserted as he tucked into a second round of mushrooms ahijo. “Let me be clear that the writing was on the wall in every case. My bosses just relish the opportunity to tick another box on the termination report, and they delight in writing lengthy essays about everything that I’ve said and done.”

**Owners must be vigilant against teachers who’ll drag the business down.**

McSweeney remains philosophical about his career trajectory. “Look, man, the industry’s changed,” he said while continuing to quaff another glass of red wine. “Back in the day you could coast on being charismatic. Now they want certifications, lesson plans, and – get this – actual teaching. It’s basically discrimination against people with natural charm.

“Look, I’ve been in this position before, obviously. And I’ve always bounced back. I feel as though I’m only halfway to scraping the bottom of the barrel. Despite the shifts in the industry, there will always be a language school in desperate need of a certain teacher; a white guy with experience who is in country and available, and you’re looking at him,” he beams.

**A walled language school. It may keep the kiddie fiddlers out, but can it prevent bad teachers from entering?**

When asked if he plans to seek employment at an 11th school immediately, McSweeney paused thoughtfully, emptied his glass, and replied, “That’s possible, but first I’ve got this killer idea for a YouTube channel: ‘Taylor’s Survival Guide to Getting Fired in Japan.’ Episode one drops tomorrow. Title: ‘How to Turn a Pink Slip into Content Gold.’”

Industry insiders predict McSweeney’s record could stand for years. As one veteran recruiter put it: “He’s not just surviving in eikaiwa – he’s become a living cautionary tale. The man has turned professional mediocrity into performance art.” At press time, McSweeney was last seen updating his GaijinPot profile with the bullet point: “Proven track record of adaptability in high-turnover environments.”

“Oh! You like that, huh!?” J-porn acting now acknowledged to be on par with American porn acting

2026年3月16日 | Author: G. Jincarde

**Yukai Rokotsu displays her award at the after-party in downtown Amsterdam.**

It’s now undeniable; Japanese porn acting is now considered to have reached a standard comparable to American porn acting. That’s the message that experts have taken away from the annual International Adult Motion Picture Awards ceremony in Amsterdam last night. “They’ve made considerable progress since the days when it was really hard to tell if the female was enjoying being rammed from all angles,” said sex-journalist Saugen Glastisch. “In the past viewers would, of course, enjoy the viewing, but they would be reluctant to recommend what they had seen to friends.”

While it’s generally understood that there is still a long way to go until overall standards rise to the point of challenging the Dutch or the Thai industries, having acting skills being compared to the Americans is a significant milestone to an industry which has often had to explain itself amidst much laughter and confusion.

**An emotional Fukasa Hakarenai also found herself amongst the winners, taking out the award for “Most Convincing Portrayal of a Store Detective”.**

The turning point came during the ceremony’s newly introduced “Best Dramatic Orgasm in a Power-Imbalance Situation” category, where JAV star Yukai Rokotsu’s pixelated yet emotionally layered performance, complete with wide-eyed surprise, polite gasping, and a final, resigned bow, edged out an American nominee who simply shouted “Oh my God, yes daddy!” seventeen times in under four minutes.

Judges praised the Japanese entry for its “subtlety and cultural nuance,” noting how Rokotsu conveyed layers of reluctant ecstasy, societal pressure, and mild gastrointestinal discomfort without ever breaking the fourth wall or removing her school uniform socks. By contrast, the American performance was described as “technically proficient but lacking emotional range,” with senior panelist Jeremy Quim remarking, “We’ve seen that exact facial expression on every OnlyFans thumbnail since 2021.”

**Kanari Kuruta and Genesis Odum’s video message from a Naniwa love couch reminded guests of the enormous DEI success in the industry.**

Upon receiving the award, Rokotsu mentioned that a great deal of work had gone into improving their on-camera performances. “Since the first round-table readings, it was there every single day we came to work. Big thanks to our drama teachers for everything they did prior and during the shoot. But I’ve also got to thank our stylists. We’ve always led the way with our authentic uniforms and hairstyles, but we haven’t become complacent. Our pleats have always been freshly pressed and our shoes perfectly polished.”

Industry analyst Dr. Les Fallis, author of Moans of the Orient: Decoding JAV Vocalizations, called the recognition long overdue. “For decades, American porn has set the gold standard in over-enunciation and theatrical squirting,” he explained. “But Japanese performers have quietly mastered the art of conveying pleasure through micro-expressions, increasingly loud whimpers, and the gentle gripping of the corners of the pillow – techniques that challenge the viewer who may be unfamiliar with the concept of ravenous desire mixed with a depth of Shogun-era omotenashi. That is pure genius.”

**Along with the soup men, stylists are the unsung heroes of the adult entertainment industry.**

Not everyone is celebrating. Veteran American star Brock Hammerstein, winner of last year’s AVN for “Most Convincing Grunting While Maintaining Eye Contact,” dismissed the comparison as unsuccessful cultural appropriation. “They mosaic the good parts and call it art,” he scoffed in a post-ceremony interview. “We show everything, including the visible effort. That’s commitment. Their girls just lie there looking surprised like they ordered sushi and got extra wasabi. Where’s the wide-eyed gasping? Where’s the fake enthusiasm we’ve perfected over generations?

“Of course, none of this really matters,” he said. “We all know that ceremonies like this are simply promotional events which give viewers an idea of the new stuff that’s out there, and it gives the industry an opportunity to come together to exchange ideas in order to help viewers optimise their viewing experience, whatever that may entail.”

**Producing art is a serious business, as seen by the concentration displayed by all involved here.**

Still, momentum is building. Rumors swirl that next year’s ceremony will introduce a “Best Use of Tentacle Props in a Non-SFX Performance” award, with early buzz suggesting Japanese entrants are already frontrunners due to their ability to react authentically to imaginary cephalopods.

For now, though, the JAV industry is savoring its moment in the spotlight. As director Bunpitsu Saseta put it while accepting a lifetime achievement statuette shaped like a tastefully blurred snatch: “We used to be the quirky cousins everyone laughed at. Now we’re just the cousins, but close cousins… who are rivals… with an innate yearning to prove something to each other… Hmm… perhaps there’s a kernel of an idea here.”

New girlfriend’s oral hygiene has hockey player dreaming of Hawaii

2026年2月2日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

**What’s this woman hiding behind that close-lipped smile?**

Suginami ward resident Angus Voss has a new girlfriend and she’s beautiful, engaging, and well-bosomed. She ticks all the important boxes. Well, just about all of them.

Voss, a 30 year old Canadian, dumped his last girlfriend after only a month. “She was porn-star beautiful, but her top lip was paper-thin,” he explains. “I didn’t know how to kiss her without things getting awkward. She was very attentive, but… the lips… . What can I say? I’m a guy who likes kissing passionately, even aggressively. A thin lip represents an obstacle to my sexual fulfilment.”

**Perhaps this young lady’s mother needs to tell her that her go-to smile should be kept close-lipped.**

Bouncing back from the thin-lipped hottie, the buffed ice-hockey enthusiast has hooked up with Kayo, another attractive young lady from western Tokyo who comes with a good set of lips, yet comes with another kind of oral complication. “She’s got the body and the lips, but it’d be good if she brushed her teeth a little more often,” says Voss unempathetically. “Her teeth definitely need a bit of work done, and I wish her well in paying for that. That’s not all though. Throughout the day she seems to put some nasty stuff into that mouth; stuff like cup ramen or soba, and she’s washing that down with some of that bottom-of-the-barrel coffee or green tea that they have in her office. I don’t think she’s eating natto prior to seeing me, but it’s bad enough as it is.”

Little cultural differences can become bigger very quickly in intimate relationships, as Ushigome University’s Adjunct Professor Kasei Houkei pointed out while providing an insight into the difficulties young couples may experience. “It’s tough for a young Japanese woman when she’s hooking up with her first western boyfriend.

**She’s probably got a credit card, a hair salon loyalty card, and an insurance card in her purse, but does she have a recently stamped dental clinic card?**

“A Japanese hottie will spend her formative years being complimented non-stop. She’s worshipped to the point of having foul-minded creeps spurt their seed onto her skirt when she’s gormlessly staring at her phone on the train. Then she’ll run head-first into an unforgiving relationship with a western man who will expect various things such as more sex, more everyday general knowledge which extends to some historical awareness of what happened at Pearl Harbor (and which side Japan fought on), and western standards for oral hygiene.

“Your average western man will happily go down on a woman immediately after she’s played in a squash tournament, but will hesitate to kiss her with an open mouth if she’s eaten a few garlic prawns. It can be hard for the woman to know where to stand. It’s like a game of soccer being refereed by a South American in the first half, and then by a European in the second half. The rules are the same, but the interpretation can change drastically. It can be harrowing for the Japanese girl, who may only be able to adjust to all of this during her relationship with her third or even fourth western boyfriend.”

**This is a gorgeous diamond smile that could melt hearts. The average young man’s attention would next turn to her breast size.**

Voss’s woes aren’t unique in Tokyo’s expat dating jungle, where apps like Tinder and Pairs churn out results faster than a gyudon shop at lunch hour. According to local dating coach Miki Shiru, hygiene quirks top the list of dealbreakers for Western men in Japan. “I’ve had clients dump dates over bad breath, funky cologne, even the way someone chews,” she says. “One guy swore he’d never date another girl who drank matcha lattes – he claimed they stain teeth.”

Meanwhile, Kayo might have her own gripes. Sources close to the couple say she’s less than thrilled with Voss’s post-hockey protein shakes, which she describes as “like kissing a sweaty gym sock.” Clearly, love in Suginami ward requires a strong stomach, and maybe a stronger toothpaste.

Hot female French language student says “non” to extra-marital fling

2026年1月6日 | Author: Wilhelm Stefans

**Pierre working his charm on the studious lady.**

“Look. I know that I fit the demographic who is out for action, but I can assure you that I’m a happily married woman who just happens to have an interest in French culture,” says Seisekisakuragaoka resident, Kiyomi Hatanai.

I’ve asked Hatanai whether it’s true that every female French language student longs to get down to business with her teacher. In my defence, she fits the bill. Married with two children in junior high school, she now has time on her hands to do what she wants. She’s still attractive, and she still has the desire to improve her pretty impressive language skills.

**If there’s an odd number of students, the teacher will team up with the babe.**

“It seems that every role play involves me standing up and moving around the room. I know these lecherous French guys just want to check me out and I guess I’m a fool for going along with it. They’re all married to bunny boilers who saw France as a kind of magical place where sophistication reigned and accordion music was played ever so gracefully.

“These kind of women will see their bubble burst when they realise that their husband was just an overeating lazy guy with nothing to offer, who sweats garlic in his sleep. I feel the sadness and desperation in the male teachers’ disposition. They don’t get any respect at home. I guess if I can’t excite them with some lingering eye-contact and a smile, then I’ll lose my sense of femininity. That’s all I’ll give them though. Let me make myself clear; my husband is a rock climber, so he’s far more masculine than any of those X-box addicted teachers.

**Don’t freak out! This guy’s creepy, but he’s promised to wait until after graduation.**

“I like Sylvie Vartan, Bridget Bardot, and Beatrice Dahl. I never got excited over Alan Delon or John-Paul Belmondo, so these run-of-the-mill French guys aren’t going to get me wet. My teachers don’t seem to get that, unfortunately. Sometimes I’ll deliberately frustrate them by discussing Tintin or Baa Baa the Elephant, because I know the French man is much more comfortable gently caressing the conversation towards anything sexual.”

Emmanuel Benaud, a teacher who is employed at the school which Hatanai attends (although he is yet to teach her formally), sat down with me at a well-known bakery in Suginami ku which features a stylish, yet small, dine-in area. The 44 year old from Lyon showed concern over the image of all French language teachers being a bunch of pants men giving female students a jolly good rogering in secluded areas of the school during seasonal parties. “Let’s ask ourselves; what exactly happens in a French language classroom?” asked the dashing grammar expert.

**Just try to be professional and remember to include the male student in the activities.**

“What comes out of my classroom? Let me tell you the answer; French speakers emerge from my classroom. It makes my job a joy rather than a drudgery. This is something objectively good, seeing a different spirit emerge out of the same soul. It’s something that simply cannot be reduced to numbers and data. Every sentence begins with a thought. Just like if you want to build a house; you must first imagine that house in your mind. A thought is a spiritual reality. And then you manifest it in another language, and not just any language.

“We’re talking about the language of the auteurs, the revolutionaries, and the raconteurs. It’s a way of bringing cultures and worlds together. This is the original glory of the vocal arts and, when you see the flower in the garden bloom, it is only natural to become incredibly aroused simply from the satisfaction of observing the achievement. It’s a biblical experience, and you must never judge a language teacher for overstepping the line once you are aware of such context.”

Guns ‘n’ Leather – they go together

2026年1月1日 | Author: G. Jincarde

Living the ideal life in rural Japan

2025年12月1日 | Author: Gerald Wilkins

Part 1 of our special “foreigners who are more Japanese than Japanese” series

**Farewell to the big smoke of Tokyo. Hello to the peace and quiet of Obutsu.**

Most Europeans and North Americans who choose to live in Japan end up living largely minimalist, unremarkable lives in the major coastal cities or, to be more accurate, on the outskirts of the major cities. Occasionally, however, a more spirited character will come along and venture into the interior to live out some kind of Tottoro fantasy, which tends to bring mixed results. Some will be warmly welcomed into the aging community and lend their muscle to various projects, while others may be either shunned or find that their newly-bought house falls down around them, with YouTube tutorials unable to provide solutions.

**Just a stereotypical friendly farmer enjoying his work.**

In the case of Vancouverite Garry Langley, it’s been a long and winding road, both in his life, the location of his house, and his much-maligned tour company. “I have a tour. It’s a fantastic rural tour. The Italians love it. I tell them a few overly sexual stories about the goddess Amaterasu which would disgust most people, but not the Italians. They find it all quite titillating,” he explains. “Sometimes I’m so busy that I do three tours in a month. There are many mountain roads, so motion sickness is always a factor. My clients will break down and cry, demanding that I just find a shady place and pull over. The hairpin bends really affect the stomach after a couple of hours, and some people can’t handle it at all. This leads to people calling me an inconsiderate prick and aggressively asking why I didn’t hand out pills before the tour began. Then they give me nasty reviews online. Few people see those reviews though, so it’s ok.”

**This bloke’s both a farmer and a kendo master. It’s up to you how he uses that hoe.**

Given time, the tour company may still become a success. Only a complete economically-illiterate buffoon would be so silly as to predict that Langley’s tour company will dry up and wither away to nothing, wasting tens of thousands of dollars from his family trust back in Canada in the process. Optimistic to a fault, and eager to use the interview to sell his tour, Langley continues, “Sometimes we stop for some exotic bear soup at one of the quaint old eateries along the way. Bears in this area generally have fewer parasites than bears in other parts of Japan. I reassure visitors with this fact just prior to everyone picking up spoons and savouring the unique flavour.”

**One of the local farmers. If you’re nice to him, he’ll be nice to you.**

Over delicate sips of green tea at his kotatsu in his sparsely decorated living room, Langley described his idyllic country lifestyle. It had been a few weeks since I’d heard about this fascinating “more Japanese than Japanese” westerner, and I had built up a load of questions to satiate my curiosity in the meantime. “I love how accessible nature is out here in Obutsu. There’s a small river where government officials say it’s safe to swim depending on the amount of artificial fertiliser that’s been used on surrounding farms during growing season. I like to go fly-fishing there. I once caught a fish 8cm long in that river. I go down in the morning before the junior high school boys wake up. Otherwise they’ll throw stones at me and shout nasty things.”

Locals needed little prompting before providing their opinions of their Canadian neighbour. “We thought it would be great to have someone from overseas contributing to the community, but this guy is, quite frankly, good for nothing,” says 63 year old Egui Kocho. “He’s the last person anyone calls on to help out on their farm.” This unkind and blunt opinion of the 47 year old Langley, a language teacher who made the leap into the Ibaragi countryside four years ago, is one that is commonly held amongst the locals. For Kocho, a lifelong farmer who knows the mountains and the rivers like the back of his hand, Langley’s move to the sleepy farming district fills him with enormous anxiety for the future, as he knows that there could be more unskilled western city slickers on their way.

**Locals gather to work together on a project, without the help of Langley.**

“We’ve seen him fly-fishing in the streams around here many times,” chimed in 72 year old Hajiku Mane. “By that I mean that our lives are so boring that we just watch him for hours just to see if he does anything that we consider weird. To be honest, he never really does anything weird. He’s just a regular, boring kind of guy. I guess that makes us the weird ones, just observing an unremarkable foreigner for hours on end. Anyway, we always see him catching undersized fish. There have been no regular sized fish in this area for fifty years due to the mistrust and impatience of every fisherman around here. That’s how we know that he’s catching undersized fish. It’s quite pathetic to see men going home with a bucket containing five fish which are as long as your middle finger. We all dream of catching barramundi in Australia, but we just have to pretend to get excited over fish which are depressingly small.”

**The biggest fish caught in Obutsu last year.**

When not fighting a losing battle at home to keep his floors dry and level, Langley can be seen accompanying his still bangable (but only just) wife Junko to the village once a week or so. “Junko really loves interacting with other locals,” says Langley. “She often gets into deep and animated conversations with them, so I tend to drift off and go back to the car where I look at Facebook while I wait for her. I don’t want to get in her way, and I want her getting some fulfilling human contact that she might miss out on due to living in our isolated little patch of Japan. It can get lonely out in the woods, so I don’t begrudge her socialising when she gets the opportunity, and if that means that she might occasionally get spit-roasted by two teenagers who are spending school holidays with their grandparents, then so be it.”

**The slightly lonely country lasses enjoy any chance for social and cultural adventure.**

Of course, the big question remains; has this tree-change been worth it? Are there any regrets? Langley takes his time to respond, taking in the green vista as he chooses his words carefully. “I wouldn’t say that I have regrets, as such. I don’t miss the commuting or singing Old McDonald to the kiddies. I’m happy to be free from that. You can have your urban conveniences, your sophisticated neighbors, and your network of fellow westerners. I’m doing it nicely and easily out here in Obutsu, where I just blend in with the locals. This house has all the country charm that I need, and more. Sure, in any other G20 country it would be classified as derelict, but you need to remember that I’m one of those people who are into old Japanese stuff to the point where I get irrationally emotional about having an engawa and a shishiodoshi.

**The shishiodoshi is a must have in the Japanese countryside.**

“You have to remember that as a white man, no matter where you’re from, some locals assume that you agree with whatever an American President has said about anything that week. But, be that as it may, I would like it if more people followed me on social media. What I’m doing is remarkable and noteworthy. I am kind of a cultural pioneer who deserves more credit. So, yes, I would appreciate it if more people were to acknowledge what I’m doing out here. I’ve taken the big step, and now it’s up to other people to speak admiringly of me.”

Cafe Review – The Knobsack

2025年11月3日 | Author: M. Hardwick

“My life has no geographic or political boundaries,” says Clint Wilkinson. “Just because people are on holiday in this archipelago currently known as Japan, doesn’t mean that they have to eat sushi and yakitori.”

Wilkinson, from the mid-northern lower central tablelands of New South Wales, is sitting in his latest project, a fusion cafe in impossibly hip Shimokitazawa. The Knobsack (for that is its name) sits just off the junction of two funky alleyways between a shop selling loophole drugs and another shop selling all kinds of shit that you don’t need. The Knobsack is the main attraction though, just a quick glance at the menu results in an involuntary quivering in the loins, and that’s completely understandable.

“You’ll find that everything we dish up here comes from sustainably sourced ingredients,” boasts Wilkinson. “Our customers come for the coffee which is lovingly roasted from Indonesian coffee beans. So, they come for the coffee, but stay for the food. We don’t hide the flavours here – we elevate them. From our smoke kissed steak to our roasted goat which is faithfully cooked in accordance with a Moroccan family’s handwritten recipe, our menu is something which people marvel over.”

The early news is good; customer numbers are up and the day-to-day running of the business is smoother than one of the malt shakes on offer. “Obviously, we work closely with our suppliers although at this point I’d rather not give any one of them particular praise,” says the obligatorily facially-haired veteran of the inner-city Sydney cafe scene. “I think across the local area we’re doing a lot of things, some of the impressive moves made by the local business community and the city government show that we’re all making good steps forward. I think we’ve got a lot of work to do and we actively look forward to participating in future conversations, provided that my voice is the loudest in the room.

“Right now, however, we need to keep the momentum going and stay focused on sustained improvement,” explains Wilkinson as he rubs one of the characters on his heavily tattooed forearm, perhaps in a bid to elicit praise from me. “As far as our local business associates are concerned, we’re talking about sharing granular ideas and nurturing common threads, no matter how small they may be. I believe in building on the base, tapping into undiscovered trends, and moving forward in a positive way. Incremental change and duplicating positive responses have always been important to me, as you never know what the ramifications could be in the long run. I don’t want to be accused of being pie in the sky, but it doesn’t hurt to dream a little. That’s what they say in all those books. Believe me, I’ve read ‘em all.”

Bringing compassion, consideration, and long-term broad-minded thoughtfulness to business can be hard at times, but Wilkinson still manages to keep a handle on things. His innate cool can be seen through such things as his Aboriginal flag on the wall, his 1970s vinyl collection, and his vast wardrobe of Okinawan shirts. “They’re actually called Kariyushi shirts,” he asserts. “Kariyushi means “harmonious” or “happy occasion” in the Ryukyu language. It’s quite a versatile word, when you think about it. Don’t judge their language though. If they want to have a word that can mean two things which aren’t really the same, then that’s part of the beauty and mystique that some westerner like you will never fully understand. I like to think of The Knobsack as a conduit for these cultural concepts. Coming here to this part of Tokyo invariable becomes an educational experience for many of our ignorant cashed-up customers.”

Wilkinson grew up in a theatre, where from childhood he learned the importance of fostering spaces where connections are made. He understands the vital role a cafe can potentially play in a community. “For the kind of people who read Tom Clancy books or wear smart watches, a cafe is just a place to get a hot beverage. But, for the romantics, the gypsies, and the sophisticates, it’s a space to absorb knowledge and exchange culture. It’s a social hive that doesn’t just accept social diversity, it embraces it and thrives on it.”

Deflecting away from the reasons that led to the closure of his cafe in Sydney and his hasty move to Tokyo, Wilkinson gushes over the attractions of his new abode. “Tokyo sucks you in. It’s a city of adventure. I don’t get much time off, but when I do get away from The Knobsack, I like to jump into a Mari Cart or go to Asakusa for a rickshaw ride. I’m a sucker for the school classroom experience too when I put on the school uniform and learn how to do origami or shodo with other westerners. What else do I get into…? Let’s see… Oh! Those Ueno rub ’n’ tugs are always a joy. You can even get a cheeky walnut if you get an attentive server. I love checking out the maid cafes and owl cafes, too. I don’t consider them competition as we cater to different markets. They’re just all part of the tapestry of Tokyo, and I consider The Knobsack to be a part of that too, just in a much more spiritual and artistic way.”

The cycle of understanding Tokyo traffic laws

2025年10月1日 | Author: Momo Kaminari

**Riding in Japan can be an exhilarating experience.**

There was a buzz around the foreign cycling community in Japan this week with the announcement of an exciting initiative that aims to ultimately end all that fear and loathing that is experienced by those on two wheels. “We’ll tell you when and where you should be riding on the sidewalk, and when and where you should be riding on the road, and then adding numerous exceptions to this advice,” explained group co-founder Mah-Son Zung.

Zung and co-founder Stephen Liao came up with the idea while sharing a hospital ward after being involved in separate traffic accidents on the same day. “Coincidentally, both of us were car-doored on a notorious stretch of Nakano Dori,” said Liao. “Fortunately, we were both wearing gloves and helmets. We were also wearing vivid lycra outfits, although they didn’t have any real effect on reducing the impact of our collisions.”

**Liao and Zung became good chums while recovering from their accidents.**

Liao went on to provide a background for the reasons behind the new initiative. “There already is some information out there among riding groups. A few of these groups have bizarre rules of their own though. They can set high standards, both in speed and in bicycle condition. They can be unforgiving. In the past members have been kicked out for such things as wearing mismatched socks, wearing the same run-of-the-mill polo shirt three weeks running, and failing to order adventurously at the mid-ride cafe.”

Liao, a 47 year old Chinese-Canadian bond trader from Vancouver, and Zung, a 39 year old Korean-American exporter from San Francisco, discovered that they shared a passion for riding, and used their recovery time productively in brainstorming ideas that would help the cycling fraternity handle the Kafkaesque, Orwellian, and Dickensian nature of traffic law enforcement.

**This medical emergency professional can smell an accident brewing, and places himself in the danger zone accordingly.**

“We’re not just about commuting or looking cool in skintight kits,” insisted Zung. “We’re all about getting our incidents with cops analysed, and then hopefully get concise data and papers written so that we can have a consensus among the biking community that at least one of these cases is truly typical of what’s going on around us. We’re going to be informing of all the changes to bicycle rules updated on a nearly daily basis. This is a new support group that has just been formed to focus on pedal power. Cycling is one of the most respected forms of transportation and here we are reporting honestly on commuting and getting around town, not necessarily in the light that cyclists want to be seen.”

“I hasten to add that being a cyclist in Tokyo is still more pleasant than being a cyclist in San Francisco. The landscape is much flatter, the other riders are generally much less judgemental of your choice of attire, and nobody drives by strongly advising you to put the seat on your bicycle. Mind you, it’s not a case of the Japanese being more mature than Americans. It just means that the Japanese sense of humour hasn’t evolved to that level yet.”

**This poor guy actually looks like he forgot to put his seat on.**

Liao nodded sagely, “I want to get this out to people because I think that it’s really important, because this kind of sets the tone for the project and all its potential revenue making possibilities. It gives us more perspective and it also gives us more guidance on how to be careful and credible, and make sure that we’re sticking to the law, and not just creating more scare stories based off of bad information which really doesn’t help with anything. It certainly doesn’t help us get to the truth. It just keeps us chasing our tails where we’re not focusing on gathering real data to really understand what’s going on with this phenomenon.

“With the collated data, we can delve into how these fluid areas of confusion get created and keep everyone informed. We’re against ignorance. We’re all about getting the word out to everyone, but we’re also all about advising on reality-based solutions. Think of us as a plucky NGO with the soul of a hedge fund. We’re raising awareness while schooling you on how to sweet-talk a cop who’s pulling you up for riding with a little too much consideration for his liking.”