A young Frenchman has brought shame on himself, his family, and his country after being found guilty of tampering with supermarket price stickers. “Just count yourself lucky that buggery isn’t rife in our prison system,” advised Judge Junichi Kumagaya as he handed down a sentence of a month in the stretch. 37 year old Gaston Le Pointu, from Amiens, had been spotted repeatedly applying 50% OFF stickers to his favourite cheeses at his local supermarket which happens to have a pretty impressive selection, despite being located in a boring, unsexy part of north-eastern Tokyo.
Le Pointu appeared to be a model regular customer who was often seen flaunting a garish tote bag. But it was his insatiable love of cheese that led to suspicions. Said one shop assistant, “I used to look at him and think, ‘What a lucky guy. He comes here, has sex with cute girls, and finds the 50% OFF cheese every time he shops here.’ Turns out he was cheating on the cheese just as often as he cheats on his women.”
At a hastily convened press conference to address Le Pointu’s disgraceful behaviour, French Ambassador Gerard Villers-Bretonneux said, “I am not here to talk about any individual’s poor behaviour.” When it was pointed out that the press conference had indeed been arranged to address Le Pointu’s behaviour, the Ambassador pulled out some statistics about American servicemen kicking cats in back alleyways before throwing out some romantic bons mots for the thirsty, largely female, press corps.
However, the Ambassador concluded on a formal note, “As a friend and fellow member of the G7, France extends her best wishes for the road ahead and looks forward to continued cooperation between all parties to restore confidence in the quality and market prices of cheese in both our countries. Now, if any of the older, but not too old, ladies here would like to accompany me to my private chambers…”
Le Pointu’s defence was typical of the kind of westerner that inhabits Japan, succeeding in pie-in-the-sky claptrap whilst failing in stone-cold logic. “A Frenchman should only have to pay farm-direct prices for French cheese, no matter where they reside. Transportation, utilities, and storage are no concern of mine. Distance is a concept, not a reality. It’s an existential dilemma really. In fact, let’s remove all relevances from this conversation.”
The prosecution pointed out that Hokkaido camembert was also of high quality, but Le Pointu responded by explaining that the Japanese hadn’t grasped all the facets of producing fine cheese. “Nothing beats the feeling of the first breath, the smell of the camembert as though it’s been ever so delicately and lovingly wiped along a sweaty bum crack just prior to packaging, the way it has always was and will be.
“This court and I have a different set of values. You must understand – geographical boundaries are of no significance to me. I owe my allegiance to my sense of satisfaction,” said Le Pointu, who then proceeded to completely contradict himself by adding, “I’m a man who lives by categories. I like my ham Italian. I like my olives Spanish. I like my cheese French.” Le Pointu also asked the press scrum to note “off the record” that he likes his cabin attendants, porn, and traditional summer gowns Japanese.