Lazy lesbians’ lackluster licking leads to lamented loss of lasciviousness

Former star Ai Uehara enjoying her retirement. Could a mercy performance be on the cards?

JAV legend Asoko Nureta has ripped into modern actresses for their poor tongue skills throughout the last two or three years following dismal showings in movies nominated for the 2019 JAV Awards.

Speaking at an informal luncheon at a Nakano Italian restaurant, Nureta called the young actress’ cunnilingus skills as “atrocious” and the reason why they have underachieved compared to the overseas stars.

“The reason Japanese actresses are not where they should be is because their oral performance is atrocious and lacking in all aspects,” said the star of seminal movies such as “A Finger in the Pillow Princess” and “A Dildo Between Friends”.

“This is in normal circumstances disgraceful mattresswork.  If you want to know why the actresses are where they are and frightened of ending up forcefully retired and living in one room apartments in Ibaragi, it’s because of this.”

Many punters have been left yearning for the days when Maki Hamada knew just what was demanded by her adoring fans.

Dressed in a tight but stylish cashmere dress and knee-high boots, Nureta laid out her views on the current crop of performers.  “Viewers want to see young women slurping away greedily, just as a Jamaican would when he’s tasting the sweetest pussy he’s ever encountered.  But, they are not getting that reaction. 

“Many actresses seem to believe that the uniforms they’re wearing are enough to get the punters interested.  They have to understand that it takes more than that to make something of quality that the consumer will want to see again and again.” 

Following a bright start to the decade, lesbian actress’ form has tapered, particularly in the school uniform genre, where they haven’t produced a big seller since 2016.

Nureta suggested that the actress’ struggles may be due to a mental block on the part of some of them not being broad-minded enough to get fully into the lesbian spirit demanded by the scenarios.

It looks fun, but the some say that standards are slipping in the much-hyped uniform and costume genre.

“The orgasms that I see today just don’t have a velocity reaching anywhere near explosive.  While I’ll admit that there are outliers where we can see a bit of spray and a bit of shuddering, the climaxing has generally become underwhelming and it’s due to the poor tongue action.”

Recently the lack of dynamism has been discussed on SNS by consumers, but’s it’s not until now that someone from inside the industry, with such standing, has come out to address the downward trend in girl-on-girl action scenes.

“It’s fun and light-hearted to French kiss another chick while giving their boobs a working over, but it’s when things get horizontal, that’s when things need to get hot.  

“But it’s just not happening at the moment.  It’s not a good look for the girls, and it’s not a good look for the industry as a whole.  Some of the actresses need to ask themselves if they’re into girls just as much as the viewers at home.”

Mosaic-busting Tech-Wiz Hirogari Seibyo answers your questions

Our November article (“Tech-Wiz quietly achieves anti-mosaic breakthrough”) has triggered an unprecedented response from around the world.  It has been both our most-read article, as well as our most-commented-on article.  With such a reaction, we thought it would only be right to give Hirogari Seibyo a chance to address your feedback and queries.  Fortunately, Seibyo agreed to meet with me again, so it’s over to you guys…

Jeffrey Taylor: Can you tell us a little bit more about the technology behind your mosaic buster?

HS: You can play most files directly, and can use it as a video player, and the mosaic looks a lot better, but you wont get really de-censoring without using TecoGAN/Wifey2X (which is free from GitHub but it takes work to setup; instructions are included in JAVPlayer).

With TecoGAN/waifu2X you can use just CPU power to compute the images but it takes forever. TecoGAN using Nvidia CUDA is the best route. Done right you can get much better results than this particular video. There is also the DeepCreamPy which doesnt work as well but is also supported by the program.

You can also try using TecoGan4X then do the deMoasic (you can make an SD video into an HD one fairly well), but it takes an insane amount of time. My buddies use a 1080Ti and it’s still really really slow for even moderately short videos.

Robin Baker: How dare you say that masturbating addicts are the “real victims of the adult video industry.  Do you have any idea how many women have had their lives ruined by appearing in porn!?  Shame on you.  May you never breed.

HS: Aww… Womp womp.

Julian Farmer: The mosaic law has been the one law that has allowed the major JAV companies to laugh at us poor JAV addicts.  It’s kind of been like, “We’ll take your money, but we don’t have to show you any pussy.”  Now we can see vaginas, and it’s kind of like an aborigine getting his first taste of citizenship and all the human rights that go with it.

HS: What can I say?  Welcome to the land of the free, fellow citizen!

Andrew Fisher: I just love Japanese girls with dark labia.  Thanks for allowing me to narrow the field of AV actresses who I’d love to bang given the chance.

HS: Yeah… I think European guys, more than Japanese guys, focus on things like density of pubic hair and labia.  I’ve heard that the French guys are really particular about the downstairs region, whereas the Americans and Canadians show a lack of sophistication by simply focusing on breast size.  It’s like they haven’t grown out of those 80’s college fraternity movies.

Margaret Cooper: For years the mosaic law has been the only thing that has allowed actresses to keep a shred of dignity, and now you’re taking that away from them.  Did you ever think about that?  You disgust me.  You may have brains, but they’re full of shit.

HS: One of those, eh?

William Buttermaker: Surely you can set up a patreon fund so that you can benefit from your invention?

HS: It really is not an option.  What I’ve done is illegal, and I can’t risk any kind of exposure.  Funds from a patreon account would have to come into an account in my real name, and anyone curious enough could find out who I am, and make my life hell.  I’d be kicked off campus, disowned by my family, and probably prosecuted by the very people who benefit from my hard work.

Todd Hunter: Can you tell us more about your mother’s extra-marital relationship?  Would your mother’s lover really dump her if you were ever linked to your tech-breakthrough?

HS: They share an apparently intense physical relationship, which I try not to think too much about.  My mom assured me that while her senior bureaucrat lover wouldn’t cast her aside, he may force her to start paying for the school uniforms, ropes, and candles that they use.

Nigel Butcher: I work for an NPO in a impoverished sub-Saharan village where life is a day-to-day struggle.  Malnutrition, infant mortality, and malaria are never far away.  We do, however, have a William Kamkwamba style wind power generator.  So, despite the incredible scenes of heartbreak every day, the people of the village have now been exposed to the wonder of uncensored Japanese pornography.  We shall be forever grateful to you.

HS: Thanks for those kind words.  I’m happy to hear I’m making a difference to those in need.

Anne Carpenter: I just wanna say, “J-cocks rock!”

HS: What can I say to that?  You’re welcome to cast your eyes over mine anytime you’d like!

Ron Cook: I’d never seen a vagina squirt like that.  You’ve opened my eyes.  

HS: They tend to do that a lot these days.  A guy’s gotta prepare the plastic sheets prior to doing the business.  From my experience few women want to stick around to clean up the mess.

Debbie Ironmonger: So, your mother is having an affair.  How about your father?  How does he cope with being a cuck?

HS: My father manages to keep it together.  He’s a good provider, so there’s been no talk of divorce.  He’s a busy guy anyway, going to The Philippines once a month on business.  He has a lot of contacts down there, and his hands are full making sure everyone’s kept happy down there.

Edward Skinner: I love it when an actor teases the actress by lightly rubbing the tip of his knob along the labia.  Thanks to your hard work, I’m now able to see this in close-up.  As a consequence, I’m shooting early, but I like it.

HS: This is what my work is all about.  I’m printing this quote and putting it by my screen to help me in moments of self-doubt.

Pip Turner: I’m married to a Japanese woman and we have two little children, so although I’ve seen everything many times, it’s been a while since I’ve caught a glimpse of anything.  These days, my wife is happy with Italian lessons, shuffling around the house in slippers and an apron, and wearing fluffy socks to bed.  Thanks for allowing me to take a trip down memory lane.

HS: Slippers and fluffy socks?  That’s the image she projects at home.  Tell me, how does she look when she steps out for those Italian lessons?

Lee Archer: It’s a tragedy that the world can’t know your name, which should stand alongside the giants of invention in Japan.  It’s not fair that others have profited from the Walkman and tamagochi, yet you can’t make one yen of profit.  The system stinks.

HS: This message means more to me that any crisp note featuring the face of an old man possibly could.

Vera Potter: Why don’t you aim a little higher with your tech-skills?  I mean, creating a mosaic-busting app can’t really be compared to landing a robot on Mars, can it?

HS: You might say that, but rather than focusing on exploration for the future of all humankind, I prefer to concentrate on instant gratification.  If you want to judge me for that, go right ahead.

And that’s where we’ll end our little Q&A session.  Many thanks to all of you who have contributed.    

Tech-Wiz quietly achieves anti-mosaic breakthrough

The tech breakthrough has been made possible thanks to modern developments in scanning and a desire to produce tangible results.

He’s 23 years old.  He lives on instant ramen, beef bowls, and convenience store bento.  He attends one of the most prestigious universities in Japan.  He’s bringing joy and pleasure to loads of people around the world.  Yet, we can’t know his name, or show him due gratitude.

We meet at an unpopular Cambodian restaurant in Takadanobaba for lunch on a Monday.  At first, Hirogari Seibyo (not his real name) is hesitant to acknowledge me.  He knows it’s me though, as I’ve told him to look for a sporty kind of westerner wearing blue jeans, white sneakers, and an Ohio State Buckeyes 2002 Champions cap.  Eventually he shuffles over and we greet each other with minimal fuss, appropriate for the situation.

Randy commuters will now have even more reason to keep their eyes glued to their mobile devices.

Seibyo has mastered the art of removing the pesky mosaic from Japanese porn, but if he were to announce himself to the world, he’d be arrested, and he would be thrown out of university while bringing shame on his apparently well-known family.  “My mother’s lover is a high-ranking bureaucrat in Kasumigaseki.  Should word get out that I’m the one responsible for the mosaic removal system, it’d make things very awkward,” he says before adding wryly, “To be honest, she’d probably choose the bureaucrat over me, and throw me under a bus.”

As Seibyo explains, this technology does not magically recover the stuff behind the mosaics.  “A neural network does its best to recreate uncensored genitals until it’s able to trick an antagonistic network that tries to tell apart censored from uncensored porn, while staying as close as possible to the initial images.”

For years tech-geeks around the world have tried all sorts of ways to decensor their treasured JAV material.

In other words, the software will try to create visuals that look the way uncensored porn would according to its models and in the way that best fits the original, mosaic impregnated, movie.  So, provided the sex is real, the decensoring is likely to come up with scenes of penetration (we’re talking majestic, fully tumescent phalli sliding into glistening honey tunnels), unless it finds no way to fit uncensored genitals in the picture.

As Seibyo is unable to make any money out of his invention, he’s urging those wishing to thank him to send funds to addiction groups such as Porn Creep Support and Masturbators Anonymous.  “They’re the real victims of the adult video industry, so it’s important that we get them the help they need.”

Sometimes, when mosaic abounds, it’s hard to know head or tail of what’s happening on screen.

Reaction from within the industry has so far been mixed, although some major names have tweeted positively about Seibyo’s new technology.  Bouncy actress Mamire Seishi supported him by saying, “I’m proud that all my naughty bits can now be seen. A vagina is a beautiful thing, so we should celebrate this achievement in whatever way we choose.” 

Veteran actor Kazurenai Hodo also gave Seibyo a big viral thumbs up, “So many people will benefit from this amazing technology.  He ought to receive a Nobel Prize.” Judging by the number of shares and upvotes, it seemed to sum up the views of delighted consumers throughout the world.

New Zealander celebrates 20 years of telling his wank/fart anecdote

Shrimpton pictured in his younger days around the time when the incident occurred.

Anyone who has learnt a second language will probably recall an experience where they’ve made a howling error whilst attempting to communicate with others.  We’ve all heard the story about the man mistakenly calling a server’s mother a filthy harlot while trying to order a coffee and cake.  And you’ve probably heard the one about the lady unknowingly inviting a policeman to ravish her back at her hotel when trying to ask for directions.  

It’s no different here in Japan either, as 45 year old Geoff Shrimpton has made everyone in his immediate circle, outer circle, and vicinity in restaurants aware over the past two decades by telling the same slightly amusing story once a month.  “Has it really been that long?” he asked.  “My friends tell me that they’ve heard the story so many times over the years, but I can’t believe that it was 1999 when it happened.”

As the Dunedin native eagerly regaled, “One night when my then girlfriend was getting into bed I told her that I had just masturbated, but the reality was that, rather than stroking my sausage, I had actually just farted.”  The uncharismatic Kiwi then went on to explain the similarity in pronunciation while unsuccessfully trying to stifle giggles.

To onani or to onara? This is how Shrimpton likes to remember his girlfriend. NB Woman pictured not actually Shrimpton’s girlfriend.

“She actually believed that I’d just knocked one out while she was showering and prettying herself in anticipation of some hot love action.  I only realized that I’d used the wrong, albeit similar sounding word when she reacted with disproportionate dismay. And she didn’t even notice the smell of foul, anally-emitted, Thai curry gas.

“Seriously, you just had to be there ‘coz her face was a picture of disappointment and confusion.  Looking back at it all now, I wish someone else had been there to share the experience, someone like an adventurous female college student or a broad-minded bank clerk still in her uniform.  We could have shared the laughter and much, much more.  Yeah… That would have been nice.”

Realizing that everyone has heard his wank/fart story at least once, Shrimpton is now concentrating on telling the story about how his cute friend had once told him that she “ate out her sister in Shinjuku last night”.

So you really want to seduce a Japanese man…

Japan is overflowing with dreamboats like this.

Whether it be sex with Japanese women in hot tubs, sex with Japanese women in bondage, or sex with Japanese women in role-play scenarios, it’s all been written. Sex with Japanese men?  Well that’s where sex educator Heike Scheidentaucher stepped in.  She’s written a book about it, so naturally she was only too happy to sit down with me to explain the ins and outs of making love to a Japanese man.

“The first thing to remember is to comment positively on the girth of his member. I’ve had my share of Benjamins, Jean-Lucs, and Renaldos, and there’s not that much size difference.  Besides, I’ve almost been split in two by a hotel clerk in the Dutch Antilles.  Let me tell you that I seriously do not need that again,” asserted the 36 year old German author.

Style and vigor come together perfectly here.

“Many Japanese men have an overwhelming fear of being laughed at by a white person, which is weird in itself considering the caliber of westerners that you see in Japan.  Still, your Japanese partner needs to be assured.  Compliment him whenever possible.   Japanese men rarely receive praise in their lives, so tell him that you find his ass sexy as you walnut him up to the proximal interphalangeal joint.” 

Scheidentaucher spoke keenly, almost frantically, of her wish that western women experience a pleasurable sex life in Japan.  “I tell all women to go conservative, rather than suggestive.  Choose The Sting soundtrack or Disney Jazz for background music.  Prepare fish and miso, not oysters.  Wear something innocent, yet still easily accessible.  Avoid wearing knickers of dark hue, otherwise he’ll think you might pass on a rash or something.

Young men in Tokyo are lying around waiting for the right women.

“Offer him something a local woman can’t, such as a good handjob or oral sex that isn’t all teeth. Focus on him and make the adjustments accordingly.  Remember that you’re straddling a man, not a race.  Be assertive while making him feel that he’s in control.  So, you’ll probably end up having passive-aggressive sex, if anything. ”

At this point, Scheidentaucher sighed slightly and rolled her eyes, “Of course, if this all fails, just go to Plan B.  That means putting on a some kind of kinky uniform and telling him that you think you’ve had a bit too much to drink.”

* “Landing a Rising Son” by Heike Scheidentaucher is available at Amazon.

Sean Connery’s Japanese ability apparently now at zero

Perhaps the world’s great ever Japanese Culture Expert.

Sean Connery’s family have revealed that the ageing actor is struggling with his memory so much that he has well and truly forgotten the handful of Japanese words that he learnt for his lead role in the 1993 movie Rising Sun.

Connery’s connection with Japan goes back a long way to his James Bond days, where he got acquainted with women with seriously good English skills.  He starred in 1968’s You Only Live Twice, although his character wasn’t required to speak Japanese at all, despite claiming to have majored in “oriental languages” at university.

Packing heat in 1974’s Zardoz.

A close friend of the family who often visits for tea and crumpets by the pool reported the somber news earlier this week.  “He can certainly still act, but producers shouldn’t expect him to be able to speak Japanese, or do accents for that matter.

“It’s particularly hard on his family who can’t comprehend how a man such as Mr. Connery is having trouble recalling his much loved second language, while still having clear and vivid memories of making Zardoz.”

Westerners in Japan finally get a Voice

Hepburn knows how to attract attention, without selling out.

With a face best suited to radio, Kingsley Hepburn knows that he’s taking risks getting out in front of the camera, but he’s a guy who’s always been more comfortable pushing the envelope.  “Kenny Loggins’ big hit “Danger Zone” is more or less how I live my life,” says the 45 year old from Connecticut.  “By doing vlogs in Japan, I’ve taken a ride into the danger zone, and I haven’t left it.”

Hepburn likes to shine a light on matters which westerners are confronted with on a day-to-day basis.  “We’re talking about trying to buy Mexican avocadoes which are more green than black at the supermarket.  We focus on how it feels to go to sleep at night knowing that an important football game will be played and won before you wake up.  And it’s about going out to a restaurant that supposedly serves food from your home country, but then finding out that the taste of the food is just a tiny bit different to exactly how you expected it to be.

Everyone wants to be on Hepburn’s channel.

“We don’t just serve the interests of Americans overseas either.  For example, we focus on Australians who have never even been to America being expected to answer questions about America. The culture there is more or less the same, but it can’t be easy for them.

“You won’t find any clichéd scenery on my channel.  I tend to steer clear of Shibuya, Asakusa, and Odaiba most of the time.  Instead, I prefer to show my viewers mountains, rivers, and old towns that aren’t really worth visiting.”

Despite having low viewer numbers at present, Hepburn guarantees that he won’t change his formula of being on screen at an awkward angle 90% of the time.  And in a bid to attract masturbators looking for fresh inspiration, his hot Japanese girlfriend, who fell for his arthouse cinema director spiel, features in every other episode.

More Japanese Than Japanese

Good timing: These commuters managed to avoid peak hour in Tokyo.

27 year old Englishman Warwick Greenwood was paid the ultimate compliment after allowing passengers to alight prior to boarding a train yesterday.  “Wow! He’s more Japanese than Japanese,” exclaimed 72 year old Chikubi Minimimuki, who was perhaps expecting Greenwood to barge his way onto the train mouthing obscenities, before forcing a pregnant woman out of her seat.

A train just like the one that where Greenwood displayed his Wabisabi soul.

Assuming that Greenwood was visiting Japan as a tourist, Minamimuki added that it would only be right that someone so in tune with the culture sampled the delights of Japan during his visit, suggesting that he start with tempura, ramen, and omurice.  The recommendations came with a caveat, however. “The Japanese have such a delicate sense of taste, among the world’s highest level.  So, he may not be able to fully appreciate this unique cuisine.” 

Attractive white guy spotted at The Hub in Shibuya

Many ladies were happy to overlook the fact that the hot guy was drinking bottled beer at a bar.

Saturday night at a pretty ordinary drinking establishment in Shibuya saw dozens of jaws dropping as an almost mythical hot white guy was spotted quaffing lager at one of the frisbee-on-legs that they have there.

“Y’know, he’s so good looking that he could actually pick up a girl in his hometown,” gushed 24 year old Jill Stanley.  

As he wavered between ordering fish & chips and chicken & chips (He chose fish!), 28 year old sex god Josh Devenish-Meares explained what a guy like him was doing at the chain pub. “I’m taking a break from my regular tofu bar and Kagoshima chicken izakaya. An English teacher acquaintance of mine suggested that I come here for a change. It’s a friendly place.”

The regular guys usually take full advantage of the dim lighting when they strut and swagger around the place.

“Just tell me he’s not gay… or an English teacher… or a translator… or a code monkey for that matter,” begged 26 year old Simone Canmore.

“I have nothing but respect for all of the language teachers in this city,” continued the considerate and charming American. “They’re real troopers, working until nine o’clock every night. That takes a certain amount of dynamism. I’m usually home by six watching Netflix, so they have my admiration.”

“I’m one of those bitter white women who’s been here too long, and I’ve seen enough to have developed a certain level of contempt for all western men, but even now as I talk to you I can feel my panties moistening,” panted 29 year old Laurier Edmonton.

Posh beer wankers, or is the tap beer really that bad?

“Life in Tokyo is a real eye-opener for me,” enthused the sparkling dreamboat as his nipples pressed gently against his shirt. “Back in my hometown I spent weekends cycling, swimming, and taking part in community reforestation projects.  I take it easier in winter though, just hosting dinner parties and cooking cannelloni, lomo saltado, or something with my tagine.”

“I guarantee that my knickers will be around my ankles for this guy, just as soon as I can confirm that he’s not a German banker,” asserted 34 year old Melanie Strathcona.

Devenish-Meares was last seen with a sexy young local lady, who was gently leading the conversation toward the likelihood of him buying an apartment in either New York City or Los Angeles in the near future.