The Japan Wanko

2020 Tokyo Olympics: Plastic bag blows across volleyball park

2016年7月3日 | Author: Gerald Wilkins

Just from looking at this picture you’d never believe that a stray shopping bag would have the temerity to be blown into the area.

A discarded plastic department store shopping bag has blown across Shiokaze Park in Odaiba, just meters from where beach volleyball athletes will compete in 2020.

The discovery of the bag, so worn that investigators couldn’t even make out the store name, only adds to the scandal ridden planning and construction phase of the Tokyo Olympics, which will be held simply because Beijing had them in 2008.

One plastic bag is all it would take to ruin Shiokaze Park as a world class venue.

It’s a lovely view, but the plastic bag incident highlights its vulnerability, and Japanese authorities are concerned that the news will turn people away.

Taking time out from his job of procuring pristine white sand from an impoverished third world country, Beach Volleyball Association President Usui Mizugi played down the news by saying, “This is just a hiccup, but we are not shying away from the tough reality of holding a world class beach volleyball event, and we remain positive about the games.”

An extremely well-funded taskforce of soon-to-retire bureaucrats is expected to be assembled in the coming weeks to have lots of meetings to discuss possible ways to prevent more discarded shopping bags, advertising leaflets, and product wrappers finding their way across Tokyo Bay.

Yoyogi Park attack will come: Expert

2016年6月7日 | Author: T. Tamm

Australian nature expert, friend of the animals, bar brawler, lover, gentleman; Geoff Sullivan.

Australian nature expert, friend of the animals, poet, bar brawler, lover, gentleman; Geoff Sullivan.

Australian survivalist Geoff Sullivan sniffs the air before asking, “Can you smell it? I know that I can. It’s the scent of tension… and the smell’s getting stronger.”

We are standing in the middle of Tokyo’s grand Yoyogi Park on a quiet Wednesday afternoon. The suffocating urban jungle of Japan’s capital seems a world away, as we can feel only the gentle quiet of nature. But Sullivan, visiting Tokyo to give lectures on nature, animals, and that kind of stuff, is able to see beyond the simple green façade that a city slicker like me is taken in by.

An all out attack on these makeshift homes could be only days away.

“Yep… It’s all going to kick off very soon. Just you wait and see. I’ve never seen such a potentially dangerous environment. Those big black birds you call karasu are really territorial, and those homeless people in the blue tents are going to cop it. You mark my words! Things really look ominous around here. But we need to be careful in how we adopt a strategy. We don’t want to advertise it. After all, you don’t tell the frogs anything before you drain the swamp now, do you.

“Let’s face it, you can’t have one kangaroo’s ear pinned to the fence and his other ear nailed to the table at the same time, y’know. And let me tell ya mate, there are more ways of killing a cat than drowning it. Different occasions warrant different methods of annihilating undesirable creatures.”

...and now this person has AIDS on their fingers

Very positive: Now this woman has just gone and got AIDS all over her fingers.

Sullivan’s infectious love for all things bright and beautiful enveloped every utterance from his dry, chapped lips during our tour of the park. And while other nature experts tend to be happily associated with eco-terrorists, impractical idealists, and other assorted unhygienic types, Sullivan will calmly declare, “The greatest thing that could happen in this park is successfully getting rid of every living creature. Then we could spend time here in peace and tranquility.

“I love coming out to parks like this all over the world… it’s my way of carving out a living too. It’s my idea of relaxing, spending time surrounded by nature, before knocking back a dozen beers and getting in someone’s face at a pub.”

Sullivan’s “Yoyogi Park: Tactical Eco-Harmony Guide”, which is expected to recommend spraying everything to kingdom come and then employing air rifle bearing sharp shooters, is due for release next month.

Idol’s fan realizes that she has never done anything good

2016年5月10日 | Author: Momo Kaminari

Ai want to go to bed with you.

“So… What is your favorite Ai Kato drama?”

It was a question that stopped Buddy Cotton in his tracks. The 37 year old Tennesseean thought long and hard before answering, “Y’know… To be honest, I don’t like any of the programs that she’s appeared in actually. They all suck.”

It had suddenly dawned on the self-styled know-all on Japanese actors that his dream shag, Ai Kato, had never appeared in anything of quality. I was trying to find out which J-stars could make it in Hollywood, and the long-term Tokyo resident had named Ai Kato first of all, which had led me to the obvious follow-up question.

Cotton got busy with his hand when he saw Ai on the sand

Cotton’s cock was in his hand as soon as he saw pre-legal Ai on the sand.

Cotton has spent an enormous amount of his time fantasizing and dreaming about “his girl” to the point of being a hair’s breadth away from entering full stalker mode. “Ai means love in Japanese. So it’s natural to love her. Obviously it helps that she’s also cute and has nice breasts. Things would be different if she were fat and ugly, but there you go.”

After a painfully long time of listening to Cotton’s physical description of Kato, he finally addressed her acting skills. “Umizaru, in particular, was garbage, and so was Ai’s performance. And Ikebukuro West Gate Park was only marginally better. Sure, she’s an actress, but only in the sense that she’s pretending to be a person with a different name while being filmed. So she’s barely ticking the boxes.

“As for the period dramas that she did – boring!! All she had to do was use some old style words, wear a big wig and kimono, and shuffle around, bowing occasionally.”

They want to know if we want that with garlic bread and coke.

“What are we going to do? They’re saying they’re out of garlic bread and those nice little drumsticks that everyone likes.”

Keeping in mind that Cotton had bought all of her photo books and seen every youtube clip, the disillusionment was almost tangible. “I feel let down, more than anything. I mean, I as a fan have kept up my end of the deal. I’ve purchased everything she`s released, and I’ve become a regular consumer of the products that she`s endorsed. Perhaps it’s time for her to hold up her end of the bargain. A steamy, realistic nude sex scene in the near future would go a long way to healing the rift that I think has opened up between us.”

So, would Cotton ever think about giving up on Kato? “Ooh… That’s a tough one. I’m a man who likes to say, “Be true to your masturbatory inspiration”. But having said that, she’s making it harder and harder for me to stay true, and the recent birth of her first child only adds to my fears that my unrequited love for her – while still strong – won’t be able to last much longer.”

Fake Priest has porn DVD in his backpack at all times

2016年4月5日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

The right profile: This is how every fake priest in Japan likes to see himself.

Chris French is just a regular looking long-term foreign resident of Saitama. Originally from Melbourne, the 44 year old has a wife and two kids. He has a few company contracts teaching English to business people. He contributes to NHK, National Health, and the National Pension. He goes drinking with his mates at the izakaya. He works as a fake priest conducting weddings on weekends. And he has a uniform fetish porn DVD in his backpack that he takes with him when he goes off to his officiating duties.

“It’s the only place where I know 100% that my wife won’t stick her nose,” explains the agnostic French. “She thinks it`s weird that I go out and do something that I don`t seriously believe in, so she keeps that at arms length. Although funnily enough, she doesn`t keep the money that I earn at arms length.

“I got rid of most of my stash when we moved recently. I dumped it into a trash can outside a convenience store at 7:00 am one morning. And I`ve gotta say – it made a hell of a clang when I dropped it in. Anyway, I couldn’t part with one of the DVD’s, so I made sure to give a snug hiding place.”

A choirgirl`s strong lung muscles and circular breathing skills can make her mush sought after.

A choir girl’s strong lung muscles and circular breathing skills can make her much sought after.

And the reason for being unable to let go of this cherished disc? “It’s a schoolgirl type porn with public masturbation. She gets it from her teacher, and then later her boyfriend forces her to pleasure herself on a park bench. You can never be 100% sure about quality when using the Internet, and the little pre-sex conversations are often cut. That’s the beauty of the disc at the bottom of my backpack; the actress does a fine job both verbally and physically. She brings her character to life, and delivers the lines as though they are her own. As a performing artist myself, I can respect that.”

French doesn’t always turn to his favorite DVD when he wants to crank one out. His memory swank is kept well stocked with keen observations of the choir girls with whom he works. “I have a role to fill when I work as a priest, so I can`t just brazenly crack on to the girls. Instead, I have to be patient and work on my extra-marital relationships. Trust is an important part of what I do. I have to earn the girls’ trust before I can take advantage of it. But there’s no harm in having a reality wank in the meantime.

“I know that the grooms’ yankee mates aren’t getting any trim, and half the time they turn up drunk to the ceremony. So it’s often down to me to give the brides’ friends the attention that they deserve. They put a lot of care into their appearance, and some of them look sexy as hell. But at the end of the day, I’m a team player, and intra-company affairs have always been my forte.”

Obviously, French doesn`t necessarily represent his whole industry, but that shouldn`t stop you from asking yourself when you next spot a fake priest on his way to a weekend wedding gig, “What the hell kind of perverted stuff is he carrying in his backpack? And how often does he flog off over the choir girls with whom he performs?”

“Not as much action at Japanese high schools as the Adult Video industry would have you believe.”

2016年3月1日 | Author: Momo Kaminari

These two aren`t making out. They`re simply rehearsing a drama for the school festival.

Judging from this girl’s body language, there is no way that this young dude’s going to be having his wet dreams realized any time soon.

With the school year drawing to a close this month, it’s become apparent to rookie language teacher David Scholes that scenes of Japanese teenagers making out can be found only in his dirty online world. The 26 year old also readily acknowledges that chances of him coming across any all-female couples kissing with their hands up one another’s skirts are now “closer to zero than to any whole number”.

These girls are just good friends, happy to be in the swimming club together.

Despite having conducted a great deal of research prior to coming to Japan, so far the Bristol University graduate’s acquired knowledge has not been of any benefit, with all his scouting leading to a dead end. “I’ve seen enough stuff online to know that the rooftop is where a lot of after school action takes place. So I’ve been popping up there every day after school under the pretense of getting good reception to call my parents. But there’s been nobody there, not even a teacher sneaking in a fag, let alone a cute girl confessing her love to the baseball captain.”

There’s absolutely nothing untoward happening here. It’s just a tutor and her student.

An avid fan of the teacher-student genre of erotic motion pictures, Scholes was quietly confident of getting amongst it himself in Japan. “It’s no secret that a visit to the school nurse can lead to a wonderful experience for a student, and a student asking for assistance with homework can lead to all kinds of unpredictable situations. So when a 3^rd year student stayed behind after class requesting help with her essay, my heart skipped a beat or two. Well… We sat down together and I proofread her work. It was all getting a little intimate, hands brushing kind of stuff. So as she rose to go to her next class, I offered her my e-mail address saying that she could contact me any time. She replied that she didn’t use e-mail, and abruptly left the room.”

Same woman, different schoolgirl. She’s just a popular tutor who gets results. That`s all.

It’s not just Scholes’ wet fantasies that have dried up, his dreams of helping the school soccer team also took a dive after he saw that all the boys had already developed far beyond his mediocre skill set. “I think I got out of there with my dignity in one piece. These guys were nutmegging me, stealing the ball off me, and running rings around me. I blamed the pitch. Then I blamed the ball. Then I just feigned an injury and limped off.”

Ok… well… The line has been crossed to some extent here.

With no girl-on-girl or teacher-student shenanigans to speak of, and a reluctance to get back on the sports field, Scholes has decided to add another side to his flimsy personality by taking up hiking and photography, leading him to bore the hell out of his captive student audience with loads of mountain vista shots. Says Scholes, “What can I say? The students and staff have realized that there`s not much to me, which is true. But at the end of the day, I have to pretend to do something in my free time besides drinking beer, playing online games, and masturbating with gibbonesque regularity.”

South African Expat starts 1 month “Japanese-only” diet

2016年2月9日 | Author: Gerald Wilkins

All five food groups are included in this scrumptious feast.

“So far, so good,” smiled Courtney Symcox when asked how his new diet was going. “The oden and the green tea has been burning my tongue, but judging from the state of my turds which are firmer than ever, my body is enjoying the change. I’m farting a lot, but they’re dry farts, and that’s important to me.”

Symcox was referring to the J-Diet which he has committed himself to for the month of February. Since arriving in Tokyo 8 months ago and settling into an inner Yamanote Line lifestyle, the 28 year old systems analyst has barely picked up a pair of chopsticks. Instead, the Durban-born Symcox, who struggles to make a cup of tea by himself, has slipped into life as a regular of TGI Friday’s, The Outback Steakhouse, The Hub, Dubliners, Jonathon’s, and Denny’s, as well as a couple of French restaurants he goes to for pre-fancy sex dinner.

J-style pickled vegetables are usually just one way to get flatulence levels high in Japan.

J-style pickled vegetables are just one way to get flatulence levels high.

“I was told by my girlfriend that I should eat something Japanese once in a while. I just replied that since I was eating her pussy twice a week, I already was doing so! But after I finished laughing at my joke, I admitted that she had a point. That`s when I hit on the idea of eating nothing but Japanese food for a month.”

Changing one’s diet overnight can be dangerous, so Symcox sought professional advice. “I made appointments with three different doctors – a general practitioner, a cardiologist and a gastroenterologist. I was worried about how the diet may have a negative effect, either through increased cholesterol, mood swings or poor sexual performance. They all said it was safe to adopt the new diet, because Japanese food was full of unique nutrients. And they all laughed at me when they realized that I’d only made the appointments to ask about changing to the J-Diet.”

It`s a great recipe... a great recipe for manboobs, which is what you`ll get if you regularly eat this with lager after lager.

It’s a great recipe… A great recipe for man-boobs that is.

As luck would have it, Symcox is receiving advice pro-bono too. “My girlfriend’s best friend is a dietician who emphasizes the importance of rigorous exercise with a nutritious diet. She even told me that she’d like to make breakfast for me sometime, and that she’d work out a way to make it happen. She suggested going to her favorite izakaya next week. Apparently this izakaya has a traditional Japanese ambience and serves lovely fresh oysters, a great salmon, asparagus and avacado salad, as well as a nice strawberry and chocolate dessert. Unfortunately, my girlfriend will be working that night, so it’ll just be the two of us.

It’s rare when this stuff doesn’t cling to anything on the way out.

“It’s kind of exciting; doing something Japanese,” beamed Symcox. “And my girlfriend’s friend has even offered to take me to a Japanese style inn for an authentic dining experience. She’s so considerate, so attentive. It’s a shame that my girlfriend will be busy working weekends next month, so I guess she’s going to miss out on the steamy hot springs.

Her friend has told me that she wants us to walk around wearing yukata and jump in a quiet hot spring together. She says that she has to be careful when she wears yukata though, as sometimes she exposes too much leg when she sits down. It all sounds pretty exotic to me, so I think that after this little project, I’ll have a go at doing other local things, such as taking photos of fireworks, taking a blow-up ring to a shallow pool, or waiting to see the caterers’ names at the end of a movie.”

Cleavage. It’s entrancing.

2016年1月2日 | Author: Gerald Wilkins

“Miso sad” – Doors close on Texan ramen chef’s noodle dream

2015年12月2日 | Author: Wilhelm Stefans

There`s nothing sadder than the doors closing on a small business - John Maynard Keynes

The day after the doors closed at Min Min. John Maynard Keynes once said that there’s nothing sadder than the doors closing on a small business.

Chad Elway takes an audible drag on his cigarette and takes in the streetscape around him. “You weren’t there, man! You don’t know what went down, man! You’ve never had a dream fall through your fingers, so delicately, yet so cruelly… man!”

We were standing outside what remains of the Min Min ramen shop in Kanagawa. The customers have long gone, replaced by rogue plants growing along one side of the premises. Elway, a 44 year old Texan with sandy blonde hair, shakes his head as he takes in the scene of his once thriving business.

Nature starts to reassert its eternal claim to mother earth: Min Min as it looked last week when we went back there after six months.

Nature starts to reassert its eternal claim to mother earth: Min Min as it looked last week when went back there after six months.

The last miso ramen was served at Min Min six months ago, as a sharp downturn in trade forced Elway to watch his dreams fade and die. “The locals loved my ramen, man. They loved the authentic vibe, the Showa-era charm of the place,” explains Elway. “But then the worst thing possible happened; westerners started coming.”

Thanks to a article written on an English language website, Min Min soon saw a harmonious blend of Japanese and westerners enjoying Elway`s much talked about ramen together. “Things were looking alright, man, but it was always a precarious balance between people wanting a quiet bowl, and people who wanted to talk about HBO dramas and Louis CK gags.”

Beverage for Germaine? One of the highly offensive retro beer advertisements which graced the walls of Min Min.

Posters like these, which adorned the walls of Min Min, gave customers a fascinating glimpse into how alcoholic beverages were advertised last century.

In the end, it seems, the scales were tipped by more foreigners coming in. “I think – no, I know – the locals found themselves being overwhelmed by the loud whiteys. My authentic ramen shop had become a gaijin hangout, with all the first world whining that you’d expect. There were requests for vegetarian gyoza, inquiries about wi-fi access, and disappointment when I told people that we had no craft beer.

“But the white women really spelled the end for me. Some were offended by the beer posters featuring bikini girls. Some complained about the unisex toilet. Others simply gave unsolicited advice: (adopts spoilt Colorado brat accent) “You really ought to renovate. You couldn`t even call the décor kitsch.” No locals wanted to be around to hear that crap. And who could blame them?”

This vile advertisement, which also adorned the wall at Min Min, is proof of the humiliation that some women were forced to go through in order to make a fairly decent living.

Radiant pictures such as this contributed to Min Min’s authentic retro feel.

Elway saved his last salvo for an entire generation, “And what is it with young people today? I spent more than 10 years perfecting five kinds of ramen; shoyu, negi, tonkotsu, corn and miso. So that, along with two kinds of gyoza, was the menu. But these spoilt brats would always ask me if I could make anything else. It was a ramen shop, for God’s sake, not Starbucks.”

Born with the American can-do spirit, Elway still hopes to make a comeback in another prefecture. At the moment, he’s just waiting for an elderly aunt to die before he can get financed. Then, he says, he’ll be changing his name to something like Hideyoshi Yamanaka or Shohei Kawaguchi in the hope that no foreigners find out about his shop.

Property News: Torigome building welcomes tenants back

2015年11月4日 | Author: M. Hardwick

The office suites have all been snapped up in the much loved local landmark.

A “one of a kind” Torigome tower will be full of tenants by the end of this month, after achieving dozens of registrations. Property managers have been overwhelmed by the interest shown in the building, which is nestled rather uncomfortably tightly between the Senro and the Tetsudo lines.

After lying empty while legally obligatory improvements were made following numerous building code and government hygiene violations, the Tori 11 will once again host a thriving and eclectic business community.

Often seen but not so often visited: the Tori 11 dominates the skyline.

With its distinctive faded black exterior, the Tori 11 dominates the skyline around the station.

Redolent with history, this is Torigome’s oldest building, and the survivor of three attempts by local residents to have the wrecking ball put to it.

“This august build, with its charm, quirks and quaintness, will once again house a spirit of entrepreneurship. A spirit that will bring an immediate economic boost to the area,” gushed 52 year old property consultant, Kabi Susuri.

“We shall see drivers of commerce, such as competitively priced full-body massage clinics, private investigators specializing in domestic matters, economically priced vintage housing managers, student loan arrangers, alternative loan providers, loan repayment persuaders, scalp acupuncturists, and Viagra-free penile corrective specialists.”

Even from a distance the tower makes an impression on keen urban observers.

Whether viewed from a station platform, or from a distance, the tower makes an impression on locals, tourists, and keen urban observers.

The high-tech industry’s flag will also be flown in the building. Explained Susuri, “Tenants include a purveyor of sites that entertain those interested in the forum of eroticism featuring people too young to vote.

“And with the parasites gone, the fire-escapes unbolted, and the trains running to new schedules that allow for constant, rhythmic rattling within the building, this unique piece of Tokyo’s historic tapestry can see rosy, morally vague times ahead.”

Japan Rugby Union shocked to now be in charge of popular sport

2015年10月5日 | Author: T. Tamm

Rugby Union - South Africa v Japan - IRB Rugby World Cup 2015: Japan celebrate another victory.

IRB Rugby World Cup 2015: Smiles all round as Japan celebrate another victory.

Following unexpected victories in the World Cup, the Japan Rugby Union has found itself in a place totally unknown to itself; in charge of a successful team which is receiving widespread support.

High ranking blazer wearer, Hitei Bakari, showed that he was struggling to come to terms with the new situation, “We have done our utmost to convince everyone that there is no game of greater importance in Japanese rugby than the game between Waseda and Keio universities.

“Everything possible has been done to undermine the national team. Minimal promotion of the representative players, the test matches, and the team`s gradual progress over the past four years (has been our policy). Even though we`ll be hosting the tournament in 2019, we were still focusing on catering to small crowds.”

But just when the assemble press pack were expecting the 72-year-old Bakari to fully admit poor foresight, he unleashed a verbal broadside on the Head Coach, Eddie Jones. “He talks about the Japan way!? What does he know (about the Japan way)!? This Eddie Jones character has turned up and paid little respect to our established practices. He now has all the players working together as a team, using their training time efficiently, and drinking water when they’re dehydrated.”