Yoyogi Park attack will come: Expert

Australian nature expert, friend of the animals, bar brawler, lover, gentleman; Geoff Sullivan.

Australian nature expert, friend of the animals, poet, bar brawler, lover, gentleman; Geoff Sullivan.

Australian survivalist Geoff Sullivan sniffs the air before asking, “Can you smell it? I know that I can. It’s the scent of tension… and the smell’s getting stronger.”

We are standing in the middle of Tokyo’s grand Yoyogi Park on a quiet Wednesday afternoon. The suffocating urban jungle of Japan’s capital seems a world away, as we can feel only the gentle quiet of nature. But Sullivan, visiting Tokyo to give lectures on nature, animals, and that kind of stuff, is able to see beyond the simple green façade that a city slicker like me is taken in by.

An all out attack on these makeshift homes could be only days away.

An all out attack on these makeshift homes could be only days away.

“Yep… It’s all going to kick off very soon. Just you wait and see. I’ve never seen such a potentially dangerous environment. Those big black birds you call karasu are really territorial, and those homeless people in the blue tents are going to cop it. You mark my words! Things really look ominous around here. But we need to be careful in how we adopt a strategy. We don’t want to advertise it. After all, you don’t tell the frogs anything before you drain the swamp now, do you.

“Let’s face it, you can’t have one kangaroo’s ear pinned to the fence and his other ear nailed to the table at the same time, y’know. And let me tell ya mate, there are more ways of killing a cat than drowning it. Different occasions warrant different methods of annihilating undesirable creatures.”

...and now this person has AIDS on their fingers

Very positive: Now this woman has just gone and got AIDS all over her fingers.

Sullivan’s infectious love for all things bright and beautiful enveloped every utterance from his dry, chapped lips during our tour of the park.    And while other nature experts tend to be happily associated with eco-terrorists, impractical idealists, and other assorted unhygienic  types,  Sullivan will calmly declare, “The greatest thing that could happen in this park is successfully getting rid of every living creature. Then we could spend time here in peace and tranquility.

“I love coming out to parks like this all over the world… it’s my way of carving out a living too. It’s my idea of relaxing, spending time surrounded by nature, before knocking back a dozen beers and getting in someone’s face at a pub.”

Sullivan’s “Yoyogi Park: Tactical Eco-Harmony Guide”, which is expected to recommend spraying everything to kingdom come and then employing air rifle bearing sharp shooters, is due for release next month.

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