Fake Priest has porn DVD in his backpack at all times

The right profile: This is how every fake priest in Japan likes to see himself.

The right profile: This is how every fake priest in Japan likes to see himself.

Chris French is just a regular looking long-term foreign resident of Saitama.  Originally from Melbourne, the 44 year old has a wife and two kids. He has a few company contracts teaching English to business people. He contributes to NHK, National Health, and the National Pension. He goes drinking with his mates at the izakaya. He works as a fake priest conducting weddings on weekends. And he has a uniform fetish porn DVD in his backpack that he takes with him when he goes off to his officiating duties.

“It’s the only place where I know 100% that my wife won’t stick her nose,” explains the agnostic French. “She thinks it`s weird that I go out and do something that I don`t seriously believe in, so she keeps that at arms length. Although funnily enough, she doesn`t keep the money that I earn at arms length.

“I got rid of most of my stash when we moved recently. I dumped it into a trash can outside a convenience store at 7:00 am one morning. And I`ve gotta say – it made a hell of a clang when I dropped it in. Anyway, I couldn’t part with one of the DVD’s, so I made sure to give a snug hiding place.”

A choirgirl`s strong lung muscles and circular breathing skills can make her mush sought after.

A choir girl’s strong lung muscles and circular breathing skills can make her much sought after.

And the reason for being unable to let go of this cherished disc? “It’s a schoolgirl type porn with public masturbation. She gets it from her teacher, and then later her boyfriend forces her to pleasure herself on a park bench. You can never be 100% sure about quality when using the Internet, and the little pre-sex conversations are often cut. That’s the beauty of the disc at the bottom of my backpack; the actress does a fine job both verbally and physically. She brings her character to life, and delivers the lines as though they are her own.  As a performing artist myself, I can respect that.”

French doesn’t always turn to his favorite DVD when he wants to crank one out. His memory swank is kept well stocked with keen observations of the choir girls with whom he works. “I have a role to fill when I work as a priest, so I can`t just brazenly crack on to the girls. Instead, I have to be patient and work on my extra-marital relationships. Trust is an important part of what I do. I have to earn the girls’ trust before I can take advantage of it. But there’s no harm in having a reality wank in the meantime.

“I know that the grooms’ yankee mates aren’t getting any trim, and half the time they turn up drunk to the ceremony. So it’s often down to me to give the brides’ friends the attention that they deserve. They put a lot of care into their appearance, and some of them look sexy as hell. But at the end of the day, I’m a team player, and intra-company affairs have always been my forte.”

Obviously, French doesn`t necessarily represent his whole industry, but that shouldn`t stop you from asking yourself when you next spot a fake priest on his way to a weekend wedding gig, “What the hell kind of perverted stuff is he carrying in his backpack? And how often does he flog off over the choir girls with whom he performs?”

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