The Japan Wanko

Here comes your man… zoku!!

2017年5月1日 | Author: G. Jincarde

Skiing is von Tittenberg’s preferred way to stay in shape for all his busy night work.

Are you a white playboy? Finding yourself feeling down these days? Starting to sniff an indifferent mood toward westerners? Waking up alone again every Sunday for the past month? Feeling annoyed by articles beginning with questions?

Well it’s time to take a good hard look at yourself, put on your lucky scoring boxer shorts, and get out there. Because according to one 37 year old convivial raconteur from Salzburg, Japan is still very much the land of opportunity.

“During the last two months in Japan I’ve got laid more times that I had in the 7 years before it,” gushes Pimmelfried von Tittenberg from the Departure Lounge at Narita Airport. “I even humped two Japanese wives of English teachers. The wives let me cum in them even though always made their Anglo-Saxon husbands use rubbers. They know that over 25% of all the English teachers have STD’s,” he adds with his trademark infectious laugh.

While the fans stare at the sport on the big screen, Tittenberg works his magic on the ladies.

The first thing I notice about von Tittenberg is his acerbic wit and self-deprecating humor. This is despite his blue bombardier’s eyes and his broad chest pushing against his short-sleeve buttoned shirt.

“Those poor girls can’t stand their unintelligent husbands and can’t wait to get to Europe and get a real man like me. They take pride in their English ability until I tell them that English is just a cheap dialect of German. The girls in Japan like to call me Thor. For my ice blue eyes, long blonde hair and large muscular built (sic). Nothing was easier than approaching a table of Japanese women with black guys harassing them and putting those sexist boys in their place. And their broken hearts when the girls left with me… (gestures as if saying “boo hoo”).

“I had a couple of bad off black friends who said the only way for them to get Japanese girls was to go to hip-hop clubs around US bases, where about a third of the girls are prostitutes. As black military men in Japan say, you can get a Japanese girl around a military base, but you might have to pay for it, but go out to another city not associated with a base and you might as well have anthrax.

“Every night I went out to clubs I got laid. Single girls, mothers, teens, women married to Japanese men, or dating black men. It’s kind of sad how I used those women since they haven’t gotten the white men they want yet, but since I’ve treated them they now have more confidence and they know they can get them,” he laughs.

No Anglo-Saxons please! It’s Fraulein Wunderbar all the way for von Tittenburg at Tokyo’s numerous Oktober Fest gatherings.

Endearingly free of pretensions, and willing to offer more anecdotes, von Tittenberg continues, “I make sure I get back to Japan twice a year just for the sex. I feel sorry for the local guys that can’t get laid. (Pretends to address question to the entire country) Did an Austrian give your mom or sister the best sex she’s ever had?

“Do you think your lies and fabricated stories (are) going to stop Japanese women loving white men, with more marriages, more kids, and more sex with white men than any other minorities in Japan, and guys like me coming here and being able to pull girls that should be models left and right. Just being tall and blonde, with ice blue eyes and muscular with long hair is a pheromone to Japanese women.

“I come to Japan every year cause the sex is so great and so, so easy,” he said, before signing off with a laconic grin, “I am sorry what some white dude did to you (sic) mom, sister or wife, but at least she got satisfied like she never has in her life. Hell, as I’ve been going to Japan for a while now, that man might even be me (laughs).”

Game Review: Tokyo Pedestrian

2017年4月3日 | Author: G. Jincarde

Easy access: Practice mode features absolutely nothing on the street to impede the player’s progress.

If you’ve had a gutful of fantasy games and you’ve lost all interest in magic coins and pixie dust, then maybe, just maybe, this game is for you. And really, what’s not to like about it?

Coming with a bejesus amount of reality, Tokyo Pedestrian puts players on the streets of the world’s most populous city with time as the enemy. Some inconsiderate melancholic has jumped in front of a train, so you are forced to walk five kilometers to your destination. Can you get there without bringing shame on your company, yourself, and your country?

Players are required to avoid being deafened by political speeches, right wing vans, squeaky bicycle brakes, and enthusiastic shop staff clapping and shouting irrashaimase in their ears. Points are lost if you take a flyer offering 5% off a product or meal that you have never ever been interested in.

The action starts at the train station after news comes through of blood on the tracks.

And negotiating the businessmen approaching four-abreast, the bunch of junior high school students walking at a speed of 2 kilometers an hour, the texting cyclists tearing along the sidewalk, and motorized mama-charis are all just part of the challenge.

Other pitfalls include the sexy Korean woman offering a cheap rub & tug (Can you get serviced and still make in on time?), the funky looking zakaya which smells like Glastonbury, the extra friendly stray cat, unnecessary roadworks, the 13 month old toddler making her sidewalk debut, and several parked bicycles which have been blown over by gusts of wind.

Westerner mode includes the extra challenges including the cop who may or may not want to see your ID card, the yummy mummy who gives you a little more than a sideways glance (although points can be accumulated if digits are exchanged), the old guy who slows down and stares at you while blocking your path, and the person who sees you and unconsciously exclaims. “Ah! Gaijin da!”.

Many reviewers agree that Tokyo Pedestrian is seriously the best game to come along since Tokyo Tank Battle.

Lovers of Japan’s four seasons will be happy to see that each season comes with its own unique challenges. The rainy weather presents probably the toughest conditions, simply because it features lots of young women walking around with umbrellas trying to stay dry, whilst not giving a tuppenny fart about anyone around them. Summer mode even has trees filled with cicadas not only chirping in chorus, but also dropping onto the road and your head too. Yummy!

Sanpo Games, the team behind this new project, are cautiously confident that the market will respond positively to Tokyo Pedestrian. “We think this will sell well with residents of Tokyo, New York City, Paris, and London. It’s a gamble elsewhere though,” explained president Taima Suttai. “We’re not sure how well it’ll sell in Canada, California, and Australia, basically because so many fat-assed Westerners never get out of their cars, making the concept of walking through a city largely alien to them.”

“The only female who understands me just happens to be a Kanagawa schoolgirl.”

2017年3月1日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

For the time being Hocking prefers Rina to maintain contact via public phone rather than by mobile or e-mail.

Part 1 in our find-your-love-in-Japan series, designed to inspire single foreigners to search for their true love somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up archipelago.

Tony Hocking shudders visibly when asked about his previous relationships. “I’ve had relations with women from many countries, with women of all different colors and shapes and sizes. But they’re all built like construction workers compared to my new girl… err… special friend, who’s a real Tinkerbell.”

Hocking is referring to his 18 year old “soul buddy”, Rina Kuriba, who he met while working at the Sunrise English Conversation School. Despite the rather concerning age difference, the pair clicked on an intellectual level straight away. Says the 32 year old Winnipegger, “I asked her what her hobbies were, and she said that she liked movies, music and manga. I couldn’t believe it, because they were exactly the same hobbies that I have.

“I wanted to get serious right away, but there were certain steps that I needed to take before pursuing a physical relationship with her. More than anything, I had to confirm whether there were any police in her family, and whether her father or brother knew karate.”

After ascertaining that there was minimal chance that he’d get his head kicked in, Hocking began his courtship of Kuriba. Their six months together have not only become a torrid, steamy, and at times kinky physical awakening for the young lass, but also the beginning of a mind-broadening journey.

“She told me that she was looking forward to graduation so that she would never have to wear her uniform again,” explained Hocking. “Naturally, I froze upon hearing these words. The thought of her putting her blazer, ribbons, and pleated skirt in the trash mortified me, so I carefully explained the dangers of the throwaway society, and suggested that she at least keep it for reasons of posterity.”

While some people may be quick to dismiss Hocking as a shameless opportunist, they should note that he is a man who needs to constantly consider his significant other’s situation. “While there are the fun times, there are also questions that we need to ask about her future. To that end I guess I do have a kind of mentor/life-coach role. So far I’ve advised her to pursue a career as either a nurse or a cabin attendant, and to consider working as a race queen while she’s at college.”

* Names have been changed at the request of the interviewee.

“No foreigners” sign leaves Westerners stunned

2017年2月1日 | Author: Momo Kaminari

These seats will be filled with Japanese people, impeccably behaved Koreans, and sneaky North Americans of Asian descent.

Two Canadian English teachers were faced with an existential crisis on Saturday evening when their regular izakaya, Kushiten, refused them entry. The refusal follows the issuing of an edict by new manager Tomotoshi Nagakusa, who had just taken over the Itabashi izakaya after his older brother moved to Gifu to join a religious sect.

Said one of the pair, 29 year old Edmonton born Thomas Myers, “We’d been going to the same place and ordering the same stuff for six months, and then we saw the “No Foreigners” sign. It is a shame because neither of us can read Japanese, but other regulars had helped us to learn the menu by heart.”

An old school buddy who still occasionally drinks with Nagakusa agreed to explain the circumstances lending to the new policy. “I’m not 100% sure, but I believe that while Tomotoshi was never a racist or a right winger, he apparently adopted certain views on whites after his honeymoon in Cairns ten years ago.

Every gaijin’s worst nightmare (except for the one where the girlfriend’s other special guy turns out to be in the yakuza, or when you find out that your dealer’s been arrested and the cops are taking a keen interest in the names and numbers on his phone).

“Tomotoshi had to do an enormous amount of overtime prior to his one week holiday, so he was exhausted when they arrived in Australia. Anyway, while he slept in their hotel room, the young blonde concierge befriended his wife. He took her shopping, to the disco, and eventually to secluded waterfalls that only the locals know about. It was during this time that Tomotoshi’s wife and the concierge consummated their holiday romance before the honeymooning Nagakusas could consummate their marriage.

“Tomotoshi had no idea that this had occurred until a year later when he opened a drawer at home to find an apparently well-used dildo and photos of his wife in flagrante delicto with the Aussie hotel employee. That kind of experience can change a person, especially when the photographs show the wife doing all kinds of uninhibited stuff with a 19 year old dopehead while she has never even kissed her husband with an open mouth.

“Had the lover been a German or Italian pureblood, the news would have been much easier for Tomoyoshi to handle. Knowing, however, that his wife’s naughty bits were well acquainted with an Anglo-Celt-Whatever Aussie’s knob, well… it’s really asking too much of a man. I mean, an Australian would steal the rice-ball off a dead man. (They have) no sense of morals at all.

The pure, clean water contrasted with the filthy and disgusting sex acts which took place there.

“As we’ve seen from developments in Cuba, Raul Castro has implemented numerous social, economic and political reforms. Accordingly, Tomotoshi decided that he too would put his managerial stamp on things by introducing the No Foreigners policy, something that his brother would never have done. He has also been trying to crack on to his waitresses in order to belatedly even the score with his wife.”

Although shocked at their treatment, the two Canadians re-gathered themselves quickly and managed to decide which of the other twenty izakaya in the area would be their new regular Saturday night destination.

Alcohol. It gives you a chance.

2017年1月3日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

Short on denim – But not on courage

2016年12月5日 | Author: Momo Kaminari

Steppin’ out – Yakedoshita enjoying the late Autumn sunshine in Tokyo.

It’s certainly a pleasure to be able to admire Kito Yakedoshita’s bum cheeks peeking out from beneath his micro-shorts as he climbs the park stairs. But he doesn’t want me to. And he doesn’t want you to either. What he does want, however, is respect.

“ “Are you loco for sex?” is what most women ask me when they see me in my micro-shorts. I try to explain that I just like the sense of freedom and exhilaration that comes when I step out in these clothes but, try as I might, women just don’t want to hear it. Wherever I go, I seem to have horny women pointing at me and saying, “sex”.”

A common occurrence for Yakedoshita; yet another woman asking to be photographed with him.

Whether it be spring, as in this picture, or summer, or autumn, or winter, Yakedoshita has to deal with women asking to be photographed with him whenever he’s out and about.

The battle to de-sex the micro-shorts can be a lonely fight, as Yakedoshita explains, “I tried to reach out to various groups who offer support for people who are in a similar position to mine. But despite the numerous letters and phone calls, it appeared that all my requests had fallen on deaf ears. The Cut-Lunch Alliance, for example, have taken up the fight for women who want to wear tight crop tops and labia gripping pants in public without fear of harassment. Well… they told me that my fight was not their fight. I think that there’s a clear double standard there, but I guess that’s to be expected when it comes to women who want to politicize their tits.”

Yakedoshita eventually found common ground with yet another women’s group, the Camel Toe Guild. “This is a movement,” gushes chief fundraiser Hareru Inbu. “This isn’t small time anymore. This is a movement. I feel like, not just most, but all of us here are true believers in human rights for all. Even though he’s a man, Yakedoshita is the person that everybody has been praying for. Enough’s enough. We want a change. We don’t like the way things are going. With Yakedoshita on board, I feel more hopeful today than I have in a long time. Make no mistake, I’m still scared for the future, but it’s a happy kind of scared.”

The Danger Zone – Yakedoshita is at his most vulnerable when climbing stairs.

Yakedoshita himself prefers to leave the grand speeches for the ladies, while he focuses on building awareness in the community. “Some people ask me why I do it. They want to know why I willingly go around turning people on. But that’s not who I am. I’m not doing that. I simply feel comfortable wearing micro-shorts, and I want others to be comfortable with that too.”

So it is up to Yakedoshita, with the support of the brave Camel Toe Guild, to fight the battle to de-sex the micro-shorts. If he succeeds, it’ll mean that he’ll finally be able to walk down the street without being ogled, whistled at, spanked, or even having his scrotum lightly, but noticeably, raked by well-manicured insistent fingernails.

Fat celebs around the world in fright as lardo TV star loses sight

2016年11月1日 | Author: M. Hardwick

What color are his eyes? Perhaps we'll never know.

So just what color are his eyes? Well… Probably dark brown, but perhaps we’ll never be able to confirm that.

Grossly overweight, over-smiling celebrities everywhere have been forced to rethink their lives following the announcement of a C-grade Japanese TV personality’s sichtvereitelung, or “obstructed vision”.

After much speculation, it became clear on Friday that Hidehiko Ishizuka is now unable to see beyond the build up of lipid that now covers his eyes. It seems that years of being forced to over-smile for television audiences have finally taken their toll, with the fat from his forehead and fat from his cheeks firmly merging over his eye sockets.

Continually egged on by producers to mug for the camera, but inside there is a real man with real feelings.

Continually egged on by producers to mug for the camera, and yet we should all remember that behind the smile there is a person with real feelings.

TV critic Inkei Asekusai insinuated his lack of surprise at seeing Ishizuka suffering an obscure condition, “He has bills like everyone else, hence he had to do whatever the producers impetrated him to do. For the past 20 years he’s been forced to invade his face with unique regional cuisines and effuse that weird and creepy smile. Indeed, he is famous for his egregious ramen based diet, and his consumption of fried pork served with miso paste has been described as ‘prodigious’.

Foreign stars like this Aussie TV chef are following the news with great concern.

“Ishizuka is facing a long road back to regaining unobstructed vision. Apparently it’s too risky to perform surgery. He’s already been to Seoul but the surgeons there were worried that their operating tables, purpose built for rake-thin actresses, would be crushed under his weight. Therefore his only hope is to lose weight in order to ease pressure on his eye sockets. Can he do this? It’s hard to imagine, to be honest.”

This guy passed away a few years ago, perhaps narrowly avoiding the same fate as Ishizuka.

This wobbly English funnyman passed away a few years ago, perhaps narrowly avoiding the same fate as Ishizuka.

Despite the alarmingly high possibility of many people suffering the same fate as Ishizuka, there are no plans for a general health warning to be issued for what Medecins Sans Frontieres prefers to call vision bloquée. “With regular obese people it’s not really a problem,” explained Dr Miyasui Mansuji, “Roly poly celebrities are expected to be happy and smiling with loads of infectious laughter. Regular fatties, on the other hand, are free to be smelly, sweating, bitter and miserable, putting everyone else out every time they demand special accommodations for their oversized butts.”

Two characters almost kiss on J-TV drama

2016年10月2日 | Author: Suzie Ardon

Will they or won’t they? Will these two adults ever kiss?

Fans of the Japanese TV drama, “Hot Chick 4 Dorky Guy”, were left shocked and disappointed last night after the two main characters were interrupted by a third character, just as it seemed that they would kiss for the first time. For many, the latest development is going make it tough for them to get through the next week, as anticipation builds over what’s in store for the next episode.

Almost there… Just remember; no tongues or the obsessive fans will get upset.

42 year old Gunma store clerk Masako Harada expressed her astonishment by gushing, “Who would have believed that somebody would walk into the room right at that moment?” Harada, who is single and still has an unruptured hymen, went on to whimsically speculate, “I wonder if they’ll get the chance to kiss again. I mean, they are adults so I guess they can just arrange to hook up again pretty quickly, but there’s always some doubt, isn’t there.”

The ol' lack of resistance kiss. Is she into it? Well... she's about as passionate as a frozen tuna... but you can never be sure.

The ol’ lack of resistance kiss. Is she into it? Does she like him? Well… she looks about as passionate as a frozen tuna… but you can never be sure.

67 year old Toyama resident Ayaka Matsumoto, who has never used a computer and leads pretty much the same lifestyle that she did in 1994, observed, “Finally they were alone together and things started to look intimate. The big hit theme song had stopped playing over the top of everything. I thought we were going to see the most romantic half-second peck in Japanese TV history.”

Binding with ropes? No problem. Bukkake? No problem. Enema administered by non-medical staff? No problem. But make sure that hand is covering the lips as they come into contact.

For the more astute viewers however, during the twenty second silence where the characters’ faces slowly came closer and closer, the interruption could be seen a mile away. “I’ve seen this a hundred times in these kind of programs,” said veteran East-Asian Trading Desk manager Zan Tucker. “The two were taking forever to get in position. There was so much opportunity for some kind of interruption. The only uncertainty was whether it would be a phone call or someone barging into the room. Oh – and I was only watching in order to have something to talk about with a slightly older casual sex partner the next day, so that we can maintain some semblance of an actual relationship.”

Canada Festival creates ripples in Tokyo

2016年9月5日 | Author: M. Hardwick

The Maple Leaf flew proudly, until it was cheekily replaced with a plastic Stars & Stripes.

“Look around you. This is a world class event,” enthused event-organizer Josh McKenzie as he raised his arms outward, palms toward the sky. “Canada is now one of the most popular destinations, both to live and stay, in North America. In fact, we like to say that we have the world in Toronto. Our Chinatown and Little Italy areas are amongst the biggest outside… well… all the big ones in the USA… I guess.”

Canadians know how to relax, and that set the tone for the weekend; relaxation - but avoiding outright boredom

Canadians know how to relax, and that set the tone for the weekend; relaxation – while carefully avoiding outright boredom.

If McKenzie were American, you’d be using terms like propaganda, rhetoric, and brainwashing to describe his spiel. As McKenzie is Canadian, however, words like sad and overparochial came more readily to mind. But it was Canada Festival weekend in Yoyogi Park, so perhaps he could be forgiven for keeping a firm grip on his microphone, breathlessly telling revelers to check out the Juno Beach exhibition, because “Canada’s sons were there on D-Day too, y’know. We just lack the big movie industry to tell everyone. So this exhibition is the next best thing.”

These people are actually all Americans. They just want to spend the day learning what it's like to be a from a country which has no diplomatic power.

These people are actually all Americans. They just wanted to spend the day experiencing what it’s like to be a from a country which has no power.

When I did look around the festival, I couldn’t help but be impressed with the effort organizers had made to squeeze every last drop out of their thin layer of culture. The “Canadian Clubbed Set” (seal curry with a double shot of whiskey) was easily the most successful result of their struggle, but otherwise it was an uphill battle all weekend, made even more difficult thanks to the lack of participation by Quebec, which prefers to have its own festival on a separate day.

Canada's 2nd most famous athlete: Donovan Bailey celebrates the gold medal

Canada’s 2nd most famous athlete of all time: Donovan Bailey.

While Canada has long been recognized by its stereotypes such as Mounties, eskimos and lumberjacks, in the modern world it is Canada`s sports stars who command global attention. Sport forms an integral part of Canadian society, and this was shown with an exhibition of the sport played throughout the country, although it must be said that the looped video of traditional Vancouver Stanley Cup celebrations attracted most of the attention.

Local Tokyoites had mixed opinions of the festival. “Look, I came a long way to attend this festival. I caught four trains just to be here. Do you understand? This is is my one day off for the month. And while I`m not disappointed per se, I thought there’d be a lot of cute white girls in school uniforms, like in that movie Exotica,” whinged 49 year old Junichiro Ishihara.

Exotica’s schoolgirl gave some punters false hopes at the festival.

22 year old hip hop loving Reina Hirachitsu expressed her frustration at the lack of her kind of guys. “So most Canadians are actually white!? I’ve only just learnt that “Canadian” is urban slang for “black guys”. Until now I thought the words were interchangeable. Sure, there are a couple of dark skinned guys here, but they wear their pants properly and don’t swear in every sentence. What a downer.”

It was a learning experience for others too, as 26 year old Rimu Uruoi explained, “I found out a great deal about American politics in the Democracy & Free Speech tent. I still have no idea who the Prime Minister of Canada is, because all the discussion centred on Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Donald Trump. It seems that not even the Canadians find their politics interesting.”

Audience reaction to the Bryan Adams cover band, Run2U.

Canadians are generally regarded as happy people, so it came as something of a surprise when there was an emotional breakdown during the Alberta promotion. Organizers were called on to wrest the microphone from the presenter while he was commenting on a slide of some pristine white-capped forested mountains.

Mobile phone footage of the breakdown shows the presenter gushing, “As you can see, it’s postcard perfect. It sure is beautiful… Just beautiful… The fresh air… (indecipherable) The lovely cool water… (indecipherable)… Why oh why oh why am I here in Tokyo!? W hy am I here in a concrete jungle with a mortgage and a wife who only talks to me on paydays… Why!? (indecipherable + audible sobs) Why!?”

Guy getting really excited about the traditional WW2 shouting season

2016年8月1日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

It’s photographs like this that get the juices flowing for many history buffs every August.

Tony Bartholomew gently squeezes each digit of his fingers as he prepares for his favorite time of the year. As a student of World War 2, Bartholomew can’t stop himself from wading into every debate about the final days of the old Japanese empire, and he needs his fingers in peak Mad Men Era Secretary condition. “Some of the stuff I’ve already written, ready to be copied and pasted when all these tired old arguments kick off around the anniversaries of the attacks and the cease fire. I’m packing a full metal jacket of obscure quotes, perverse logic, and insults to ensure that I’ll be winning the Internet in the first half of August.”

The 27 year old systems analyst plans to sit in his Spokane, Washington apartment and bring his vast Internet debating experience (he’s never actually participated in a regular debate) to the table in order to re-educate and belittle other posters.

Cosplay 1940’s style: The Andrews Sisters.

“I’ve been bitch-slapped quite a few times in days of yore, but I’ve learned my lessons, and I’ve learned them very well. Now I’m adding plenty of anecdotes that support my position to bring merry hell on anyone who wants to go bare-knuckle with me on any forum. And I mean any forum too. I’ve got two weeks off work and I’ll be monitoring every thread worth reading.”

Bartholomew takes no small amount of pride in “probably knowing more than any leather-elbowed history professor”, and he makes it clear that he is prepared to debate anything. “I’m hoping to get nuts deep in stuff about Tokyo, Okinawa, Hiroshima, and Nagasaki. You won’t find me backing away from anything related to the war. Hell, I`ll even tangle over Glenn Miller theories and what the lyrics of “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy Of Company B” really mean.”

People wishing to tangle with Bartholomew about matters such as agreed body counts, disputed body counts, fabricated body counts, and predicted body counts may do so on just about every news and discussion site this month.