Embracing Western Influence

An accurate artist impression of Commodore Matthew Perry, who visited Japan with his black ships.

 

There has never been a better time to live in Tokyo. The train system, the parks, and the public facilities just keep getting better. The restaurants, the bars, the clubs too. With all this on offer I should be happier than a pig feasting on the fresh corpse of a guy who came off second best in an underworld disagreement. But, you see, dear reader (and I know that there are many of you out there. I’m always grateful for the warm messages of support that you send.), there’s something that I hear from time to time which gets on my tits a little.

Occasionally, just occasionally, the amount of western influence on Japan is brought to my attention. Western influence. And people talk about it like it’s a bad thing!? Let me tell you; the people who say this are likely to be the most miserable gits you will ever meet.

Willliam S. Clark taught the locals how to farm sheep, camels and llama with varying degrees of success.

 

Thanks to brave, wise, and handsome white men like Matthew Perry and Douglas Macarthur, Japan opened up to the west a long time ago. So, has Japan become overwhelmed by graffiti, crime, gun massacres, drugs, and alcohol related violence? Umm…no. Instead, Japan just chose the best bits; sport, beer, beef, eggs, dairy products, jazz music, and the bikini. At the very least, thanks to the western influenced diet, tits in Japan are looking quite nice.

The introduction of milk and butter, in particular, has led to Japanese breasts becoming a pleasure to admire. So when I hear some cantankerous old codger moaning about Japanese people not eating tofu, fish and rice at every meal every day, I say to him, go ahead and say that to the man eating yakinuku with his D-cup girlfriend. Say that to the guy eating pasta with his well-rounded wife. Say that to the teenage boy with the tent in his trousers enjoying a hamburger with his soon-to-be-deflowered girlfriend whose tits are threatening to burst through her school blouse.

 

These three white men did amazing things to help the people of Japan.

 

I don’t want to labor the point, but before we turn our attention to boring little things like workers rights and common law, we should spend some more time dwelling on breasts. Cup sizes in Japan have reached dazzling heights recently, showing growth trends that make the rest of the world look on in envy. Indeed, when we consider such things as the birth rate and the economy,  it appears that about the only thing increasing in Japan these days is the size of the average pair of boobs.

We must move on, however reluctantly, so that we can also acknowledge the people from the west who now reside in Japan.  While it’s obvious that the vast majority of the Europeans and North Americans are hardly cream of the crop, they generally endeavor to adapt to the local culture.  In this way, they create a hell of a lot less of a nuisance than, say, a bunch of hipsters moving into poor neighborhoods in New York City and London.

Still not convinced? Well, there are many things that we can turn our attention too, but I think we should turn to poo.  Yes – let’s focus on defecating… while sitting down. Have you ever seen someone trying to read anything on a Japanese toilet?   A newspaper, a magazine, or even an i-phone?  It can’t be done comfortably now, can it, if at all.  Well, now I’d like you to try to imagine someone attempting to masturbate while squatting over a Japanese toilet.  That you should see, my friend. That you should see.

Friction leads to collapse of popular Homosexual festival

All the fun of the festival… but it looks like it will be a bridge too far this year.

 

“It’s going to be awfully hard for me to keep from sounding so pessimistic about this,” croaks Shido Tanimoto, former Chief Planner of Tokyo’s main festival for broad-minded folk. “The big boys have always worked together for these big events, but the rivalry has become too intense now.

“There’s always been friction between the clubs, but it’s always been overcome for the greater good. The problem now is that the number of straight foreign women visiting the clubs has increased, and the clubs have been in competition to promote the other as the place for western chicks to go.”

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if creativy and self-expression are simply an individual’s cry for help.

 

Chin Chin, with it’s disco flavored music and sweet cocktail selection, has seen itself overwhelmed by foreign queer dears, some of whom have been gently encouraged to go there by rival clubs.  Some punters claim that they are made to feel like zoo animals due to the straight girls either gawking at them or trying to hang out with them because they consider gay guys to be cool.

“These fruit flys are trying to one-up their mates back in the States,” said Phillip Simkiss, a 34 year old skinny little man in hot pants. “They want to go back home and talk about how they got drunk with some Japanese gay guys, as though your regular American gay is now passé. None of them would go within a bull’s roar of an Asian guy back in the States, but they want to get up on stage with Kenji and Shunsuke and wriggle around. But the Japanese guys reel back as soon as they see the muffin-tops and the puyopuyo upper arms.”

The celebration of homosexuality  has always been about freedom, but unfortunately that sometimes means freedom from dignity.

 

But this is the experience that the westerners are looking for.  As Simkiss points out, the main rival has gone ultra-masculine in order to turn the women off.  “It’s always sweat, sweat, sweat at Double Adaptor these days.  It never used to be like that. They’ve got all kinds of football jerseys displayed over the bar; Argentina Pumas, Calgary Stampeders, and Sydney Swans tops are all there.  Seriously, it’s like Burroughs’ “Cities of the Red Night” in there with all those buffed guys chesting each other to “Thunderstruck” and “Firestarter”.  Madonna’s not even on the playlist.

“So usually the western women come to Chin Chin, crying out for attention from guys who aren’t the least bit interested in ramming them.  Fag hags!  Do we need to have a dialogue to create a new level of understanding?  Well… no!  They just need to go to Roppongi and confront their fears of getting boned by a marine.”

As one Douple Adaptor regular, 27 year old Callum Fulwood, exclaimed, “I love being here surrounded by men who are up for it.  I only go to Chin Chin when I’m going through a dry spell.  I mean, c’mon, the house special is a strawberry daiquiri!  I’m not a member there so sometimes I have to line up.  But a receiver that I’m acquainted with hangs out there, and it usually only takes one or two drinks before my member gains admission to his VIP section.”

Unfortunately the cancellation of the festival will mean than not one D-Ream song will be sung in Yoyogi Park this year.

 

Although the rivalry between the two bars has become too poisonous for cooperation, there were rumors that other establishments would take over planning.  It was hoped that S&M club Butaniku No Katana and the Fruity Buns bakery would step into the breach, but their owners withdrew when they saw the logistics involved in running the festival.

Some people have made it clear, however, that they could care less about getting out in the park waving rainbow flags and blowing whistles.  Says Fulwood, “Double Adaptor is located near a cemetery, and it doesn’t get much better than being there at dawn, gazing across at Shinjuku while consummating a fleeting romance.”

Career Opportunities in Nursing are ones that always knock

A smile for the camera, but don’t be fooled; a professional nurse is 100% focused knowing that patient information must be meticulously recorded so that any medical professional can comprehend the situation and act accordingly.

 

More than anything, Japan needs nurses; home grown nurses.  While other G20 countries raid their former colonies and the 3rd world (which are more or less the same things), Japan prefers to develop its own nurses and keep them here, so that those other greedy countries can’t take advantage of the superior skills that are used here.

So why has a career in nursing become unpopular over the last 10, 20, or 30 years?  It’s not as if  nursing has fallen off the radar.  Nursing is a job with a level of high awareness in the public consciousness.  Nurses appear in dramas every single night on terrestrial television, and yet young people would prefer to work in an office filling in forms and excel sheets all day.

So…  Just.  What.  The. Hell.  Is.  Going.  On?

A pink uniform in nursing is the equivalent of a black belt in karate. It is awarded upon the administering of their 100th enema.

 

Let’s face it; there are long hours and nurses have to deal with the general public (eww!) when they are sick and anxious, but the daily duties aren’t that hard.  Checking pulses and temperatures, giving injections, and administering sponge baths (sometimes to injured footballers with amazing pecs!) are really all there is to it.  You might have to clear away a soiled sheet here or there, which is unpleasant, however this kind of work can leave you with an enormous sense of self-worth.

And if you still have doubts about pursuing a career in nursing, just think about the advantages; unemployment is only ever going to be voluntary (unless you’re incompetent), there’s always loads of overtime available, and most of all, you get to work alongside people with amazing earnings potential.

Pulses may race when this young nurse uses her stethoscope.

 

Seriously!  You work with doctors!  Doctors!  Surgeons!  Specialists!  Get to know these people and start relationships with them.  Make compilation CD’s and present them on the doctors’ birthdays with little cards that say, “I hope this helps you to chill after a long day.”  Or give them back massages and shoulder massages at the end of their shifts when they are exhausted and at their most vulnerable.  Do what you need to do to get close to them.  Use what you have in order to make the relationships work for you.  Remember that the only other people who can get this close to people who make this much cash regularly are high-class hookers, or maybe legal secretaries (but the asshole factor is tremendously high among lawyers).

And remember; those doctors, and your nursing career are just waiting for you, but they’re not going to wait forever.  Get in there while you’ve still got something to offer.

* No male nurses made themselves available to be photographed for this article.

Old men of East Asia in talks to end all talks

Some islands which are apparently of some importance to somebody.

 

Sick to the back teeth with the carry on between their respective leaders, a group of assertive old men from eastern Asia will be sitting down together in Singapore this week to work on a plan that they hope will ultimately lead to peace, harmony, understanding, and mutual respect in the region. The unofficial talks are set to include representatives from China, North Korea, South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam and The Philippines.

 

A couple of cute little rocky outcrops in the middle of the sea.

 

“We’re tired of seeing our leaders posturing and playing political games, so we are coming together to see if we can overcome our differences and come up with some kind of diplomatic solution that we can present to the media,” explained Mie-born Jun Chitsuheki, who at 64 years of age is the youngest participant.

 

Another island in the middle of the ocean.  Pray for the poor people who sign up to avoid astronomical college tuition fees and then get posted here.

 

As the talks will be covering a number of potential flashpoints, a code-of-behaviour has been drawn up which all representatives are expected to swear to prior to talks commencing. It is understood that all participants must recognize that: they are all human, they are all heterosexual with healthy sex lives, they were all born to men and women who were married, they all have penises of above average size, and their mothers have never regularly performed fellatio on non-Asian men.

 

Is it a rock or an island?  You be the judge.

 

It is believed that with the code-of-behavior, the talks will remain on track throughout the duration, without the necessity of casting aspersions on anyone’s ideology, family background or personal lifestyle choices. “While an immediate launch into an all-in-brawl sounds like a lot of fun, we all know that it wouldn’t be very productive,” said Chitsuheki, who admitted to having learnt a few choice insults in “various languages” nonetheless.

This is Tuvalu, which actually has nothing at all to do with the discussions.

 

Many observers say that they are looking forward to lively discussions, although there is some doubt as to just how much the representatives from Taiwan, Vietnam and The Philippines will contribute. According to one anonymous source, the Chinese delegation has strongly suggested that participants from those countries take on unobtrusive, passive roles for the talks “unless they want to get what’s coming to them”.

Here comes your man… zoku!!

Skiing is von Tittenberg’s preferred way to stay in shape for all his busy night work.

 

Are you a white playboy?  Finding yourself feeling down these days? Starting to sniff an indifferent mood toward westerners?  Waking up alone again every Sunday for the past month?  Feeling annoyed by articles beginning with questions?

Well it’s time to take a good hard look at yourself, put on your lucky scoring boxer shorts, and get out there.  Because according to one 37 year old convivial raconteur from Salzburg, Japan is still very much the land of opportunity.

“During the last two months in Japan I’ve got laid more times that I had in the 7 years before it,” gushes Pimmelfried von Tittenberg.  “I even humped two Japanese wives of English teachers.  The wives let me cum in them even though always made their Anglo-Saxon husbands use rubbers.  They know that over 25% of all the English teachers have STD’s,” he adds with his trademark infectious laugh.

 

While the fans stare at the sport on the big screen, Tittenberg works his magic on the ladies.

 

The first thing I notice about von Tittenberg is his acerbic wit and self-deprecating humor. This is despite his blue bombardier’s eyes and his broad chest pushing against his short-sleeve buttoned shirt.

“Those poor girls can’t stand their unintelligent husbands and can’t wait to get to Europe and get a real man like me.  They take pride in their English ability until I tell them that English is just a cheap dialect of German.  The girls in Japan like to call me Thor.  For my ice blue eyes, long blonde hair and large muscular built (sic).  Nothing was easier than approaching a table of Japanese women with black guys harassing them and putting those sexist boys in their place.  And their broken hearts when the girls left with me… (gestures as if saying “boo hoo”).

“I had a couple of bad off black friends who said the only way for them to get Japanese girls was to go to hip-hop clubs around US bases, where about a third of the girls are prostitutes.  As black military men in Japan say, you can get a Japanese girl around a military base, but you might have to pay for it, but go out to another city not associated with a base and you might as well have anthrax.

“Every night I went out to clubs I got laid. Single girls, mothers, teens, women married to Japanese men, or dating black men.  It’s kind of sad how I used those women since they haven’t gotten the white men they want yet, but since I’ve treated them they now have more confidence and they know they can get them,” he laughs.

 

No Anglo-Saxons please! It’s Fraulein Wunderbar all the way for von Tittenburg at Tokyo’s numerous Oktober Fest gatherings.

 

Endearingly free of pretensions, and willing to offer more anecdotes, von Tittenberg continues, “I make sure I get back to Japan twice a year just for the sex.  I feel sorry for the local guys that can’t get laid. (Pretends to address question to the entire country)  Did an Austrian give your mom or sister the best sex she’s ever had?

“To you think your lies and fabricated stories (are) going to stop Japanese women loving white men, with more marriages, more kids, and more sex with white men than any other minorities in Japan, and guys like me coming here and being able to pull girls that should be models left and right.  Just being tall and blonde, with ice blue eyes and muscular with long hair is a pheromone to Japanese women.

“I come to Japan every year cause the sex is so great and so, so easy,” he said, before signing off with a laconic grin, “I am sorry what some white dude did to you (sic) mom, sister or wife, but at least she got satisfied like she never has in her life. Hell, as I’ve been going to Japan for a while now, that man might even be me (laughs).”

 

Game Review: Tokyo Pedestrian

Easy access: Practice mode features absolutely nothing on the street to impede the player’s progress.

 

If you’ve had a gutful of fantasy games and you’ve lost all interest in magic coins and pixie dust, then maybe, just maybe, this game is for you. And really, what’s not to like about it?

Coming with a bejesus amount of reality, Tokyo Pedestrian puts players on the streets of the world’s most populous city with time as the enemy. Some inconsiderate melancholic has jumped in front of a train, so you are forced to walk five kilometers to your destination. Can you get there without bringing shame on your company, yourself, and your country?

Players are required to avoid being deafened by political speeches, right wing vans, squeaky bicycle brakes, and enthusiastic shop staff clapping and shouting irrashaimase in their ears.  Points are lost if you take a flyer offering 5% off a product or meal that you have never ever been interested in.

The action starts at the train station after news comes through of blood on the tracks.

 

 

And negotiating the businessmen approaching four-abreast, the bunch of junior high school students walking at a speed of 2 kilometers an hour, the texting cyclists tearing along the sidewalk, and motorized mama-charis are all just part of the challenge.

Other pitfalls include the sexy Korean woman offering a cheap rub & tug (Can you get serviced and still make in on time?), the funky looking zakaya which smells like Glastonbury, the extra friendly stray cat, unnecessary roadworks, the 13 month old toddler making her sidewalk debut, and several parked bicycles which have been blown over by gusts of wind.

Westerner mode includes the extra challenges including the cop who may or may not want to see your ID card, the yummy mummy who gives you a little more than a sideways glance (although points can be accumulated if digits are exchanged), the old guy who slows down and stares at you while blocking your path, and the person who sees you and unconsciously exclaims. “Ah! Gaijin da!”.

 

Many reviewers agree that Tokyo Pedestrian is seriously the best game to come along since Tokyo Tank Battle.

Lovers of Japan’s four seasons will be happy to see that each season comes with its own unique challenges.  The rainy weather presents probably the toughest conditions, simply because it features lots of young women walking around with umbrellas trying to stay dry, whilst not giving a tuppenny fart about anyone around them.  Summer mode even has trees filled with cicadas not only chirping in chorus, but also dropping onto the road and your head too. Yummy!

Sanpo Games, the team behind this new project, are cautiously confident that the market will respond positively to Tokyo Pedestrian. “We think this will sell well with residents of Tokyo, New York City, Paris, and London. It’s a gamble elsewhere though,” explained president Taima Suttai. “We’re not sure how well it’ll sell in Canada, California, and Australia, basically because so many fat-assed Westerners never get out of their cars, making the concept of walking through a city largely alien to them.”

“The only female who understands me just happens to be a Kanagawa schoolgirl.”

For the time being Hocking prefers Rina to maintain contact via public phone rather than by mobile or e-mail.

Part 1 in our find-your-love-in-Japan series, designed to inspire single foreigners to search for their true love somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up archipelago.

Tony Hocking shudders visibly when asked about his previous relationships. “I’ve had relations with women from many countries, with women of all different colors and shapes and sizes. But they’re all built like construction workers compared to my new girl… err… special friend, who’s a real Tinkerbell.”

Hocking is referring to his 18 year old “soul buddy”, Rina Kuriba,  who he met while working at the Sunrise English Conversation School. Despite the rather concerning age difference, the pair clicked on an intellectual level straight away. Says the 32 year old Winnipegger, “I asked her what her hobbies were, and she said that she liked movies, music and manga. I couldn’t believe it, because they were exactly the same hobbies that I have.”

“I wanted to get serious right away, but there were certain steps that I needed to take before pursuing a physical relationship with her. More than anything, I had to confirm whether there were any police in her family, and whether her father or brother knew karate.”

After ascertaining that there was minimal chance that he’d get his head kicked in, Hocking began his courtship of Kuriba. Their six months together have not only become a torrid, steamy, and at times kinky physical awakening for the young lass, but also the beginning of a mind-broadening journey.

“She told me that she was looking forward to graduation so that she would never have to wear her uniform again,” explained Hocking. “Naturally, I froze upon hearing these words. The thought of her putting her blazer, ribbons, and pleated skirt in the trash mortified me, so I carefully explained the dangers of the throwaway society, and suggested that she at least keep it for reasons of posterity.”

While some people may be quick to dismiss Hocking as a shameless opportunist, they should note that he is a man who needs to constantly consider his significant other’s situation. “While there are the fun times, there are also questions that we need to ask about her future. To that end I guess I do have a kind of mentor/life-coach role. So far I’ve advised her to pursue a career as  either a nurse or a cabin attendant, and to consider working as a race queen while she’s at college.”

* Names have been changed at the request of the interviewee.

“No foreigners” sign leaves Westerners stunned

These seats will be filled with Japanese people, impeccably behaved Koreans, and sneaky North Americans of Asian descent.

 

Two Canadian English teachers were faced with an existential crisis on Saturday evening when their regular izakaya, Kushiten, refused them entry.  The refusal follows the issuing of an edict by new manager Tomotoshi Nagakusa, who had just taken over the Itabashi izakaya after his older brother moved to Gifu to join a religious sect.

Said one of the pair, 29 year old Edmonton born Thomas Myers, “We’d been going to the same place and ordering the same stuff for six months, and then we saw the “No Foreigners” sign. It is a shame because neither of us can read Japanese, but other regulars had helped us to learn the menu by heart.”

An old school buddy who still occasionally drinks with Nagakusa agreed to explain the circumstances lending to the new policy. “I’m not 100% sure, but I believe that while Tomotoshi was never a racist or a right winger, he apparently adopted certain views on whites after his honeymoon in Cairns ten years ago.

 

Every gaijin’s worst nightmare (except for the one where the girlfriend’s other special guy turns out to be in the yakuza, or when you find out that your dealer’s been arrested and the cops are taking a keen interest in the names and numbers on his phone).

 

 

“Tomotoshi had to do an enormous amount of overtime prior to his one week holiday, so he was exhausted when they arrived in Australia. Anyway, while he slept in their hotel room, the young blonde concierge befriended his wife. He took her shopping, to the disco, and eventually to secluded waterfalls that only the locals know about. It was during this time that Tomotoshi’s wife and the concierge consummated their holiday romance before the honeymooning Nagakusas could consummate their marriage.

“Tomotoshi had no idea that this had occurred until a year later when he opened a drawer at home to find an apparently well-used dildo and photos of his wife in flagrante delicto with the Aussie hotel employee. That kind of experience can change a person, especially when the photographs show the wife doing all kinds of uninhibited stuff with a 19 year old dopehead while she has never even kissed her husband with an open mouth.

“Had the lover been a German or Italian pureblood, the news would have been much easier for Tomoyoshi to handle.  Knowing, however, that his wife’s naughty bits were well acquainted with an Anglo-Celt-Whatever Aussie’s knob, well… it’s really asking too much of a man.  I mean, an Australian would steal the rice-ball off a dead man.  (They have) no sense of morals at all.

 

The pure, clean water contrasted with the filthy and disgusting sex acts which took place there.

 

“As we’ve seen from developments in Cuba, Raul Castro has implemented numerous social, economic and political reforms. Accordingly, Tomotoshi decided that he too would put his managerial stamp on things by introducing the No Foreigners policy, something that his brother would never have done.  He has also been trying to crack on to his waitresses in order to belatedly even the score with his wife.”

Although shocked at their treatment, the two Canadians re-gathered themselves quickly and managed to decide which of the other twenty izakaya in the area would be their new regular Saturday night destination.

Short on denim – But not on courage

Steppin' out - Yakedoshita enjoying the late Autumn sunshine in Tokyo.

Steppin’ out – Yakedoshita enjoying the late Autumn sunshine in Tokyo.

It’s certainly a pleasure to be able to admire Kito Yakedoshita’s bum cheeks peeking out from beneath his micro-shorts as he climbs the park stairs. But he doesn’t want me to. And he doesn’t want you to either. What he does want, however, is respect.

“ “Are you loco for sex?” is what most women ask me when they see me in my micro-shorts. I try to explain that I just like the sense of freedom and exhilaration that comes when I step out in these clothes but, try as I might, women just don’t want to hear it. Wherever I go, I seem to have horny women pointing at me and saying, “sex”.”

A common occurrence for Yakedoshita; yet another woman asking to be photographed with him.

Whether it be spring, as in this picture, or summer, or autumn, or winter, Yakedoshita has to deal with women asking to be photographed with him whenever he’s out and about.

The battle to de-sex the micro-shorts can be a lonely fight, as Yakedoshita explains, “I tried to reach out to various groups who offer support for people who are in a similar position to mine. But despite the numerous letters and phone calls, it appeared that all my requests had fallen on deaf ears. The Cut-Lunch Alliance, for example, have taken up the fight for women who want to wear tight crop tops and labia gripping pants in public without fear of harassment. Well… they told me that my fight was not their fight. I think that there’s a clear double standard there, but I guess that’s to be expected when it comes to women who want to politicize their tits.”

Yakedoshita eventually found common ground with yet another women’s group, the Camel Toe Guild. “This is a movement,” gushes chief fundraiser Hareru Inbu. “This isn’t small time anymore. This is a movement. I feel like, not just most, but all of us here are true believers in human rights for all. Even though he’s a man, Yakedoshita is the person that everybody has been praying for. Enough’s enough. We want a change. We don’t like the way things are going. With Yakedoshita on board, I feel more hopeful today than I have in a long time. Make no mistake, I’m still scared for the future, but it’s a happy kind of scared.”

The Danger Zone - Yakedoshita is at his most vulnerable when climbing stairs.

The Danger Zone – Yakedoshita is at his most vulnerable when climbing stairs.

Yakedoshita himself prefers to leave the grand speeches for the ladies, while he focuses on building awareness in the community. “Some people ask me why I do it. They want to know why I willingly go around turning people on. But that’s not who I am. I’m not doing that. I simply feel comfortable wearing micro-shorts, and I want others to be comfortable with that too.”

So it is up to Yakedoshita, with the support of the brave Camel Toe Guild, to fight the battle to de-sex the micro-shorts. If he succeeds, it’ll mean that he’ll finally be able to walk down the street without being ogled, whistled at, spanked, or even having his scrotum lightly, but noticeably, raked by well-manicured insistent fingernails.