Westerner’s total immersion into Japanese society achieved following development of mask fetish

Alluring and mysterious… all thanks to the flu mask.


“She said she was shy. She didn’t want me to see her face during orgasm, so she took everything off but the mask. It triggered something in me, I guess. I was moving into unchartered territory, and it thrilled me.”

It’s generally agreed that most sexually adventurous men have a fetish side to them. Some go through life paying little regard to their kinky side, whereas others try to explore a little; perhaps by wearing lingerie under their business suit, or by using handcuffs in the bedroom. Western men in Tokyo tend to fall into the latter category, getting their rocks off with cosplay, binding, and randomly shoved oriental sex toys.


That’s it… just keep smiling.


One man who has immersed himself in Fetish Japan is 32 year old programmer Gabriel Earnshaw, who has entered an area largely avoided by his fellow western deviants. “When I first arrived here I loved watching those weird videos where bikini models eat oranges with the juice running down their cleavage, or where they jog along the beach with their jubblies bouncing in slow motion.

“I guess things just developed from there. I’ve been through the uniform phase, then the high boots phase, and then I had an older woman frenzy,” explains the slightly rotund Texan over a martini at the impossibly cool Tickled Plum casual dining & jazz bar in Shinjuku. “Look… I am a man… of many fetishes, and flu masks are just taking their well-deserved place in the spotlight right now.


Magnetic appeal: She’s got the look


“I like to go out to places which are deep in Kanagawa and Saitama, where it`s rare to see a white guy,” says Earnshaw as he slides a Sicilian olive off the end of a toothpick. “That`s where I break the ice with the mask wearing ladies loitering around the shopping areas. Sometimes I even chat up the women wearing the shapeless ugg boots! I’ll talk to thirty women in one afternoon, and I’ll get one or two who will meet up with me later. The romances are usually fleeting though; women usually react negatively after being asked to keep a mask on during sex.”


Pick-up tool: The mask being used to nanpa.


Well meaning friends have tried to understand and support Earnshaw through what they hope is just a hiccup in his quest to find true love in Japan, but they know that they are facing an uphill battle to get him the help he needs.

Says former wingman and occasional lunch companion Sebastian de la Hunty, “I actually long for the days when he said he watched TV dramas to study Japanese, but was actually just watching to flog off over a schoolgirl or a nurse. That all seems regular now, because this guy hasn’t cracked a boner at anything without a mask for 18 months.”

Time-machine for a Soul Man

Knickers usually drop when Ferdinand steps out in Europe and North America, but he’s doing in tough in Tokyo.


“Y’know… I never asked for this. I’m not into hip hop and I’m not into ladies with tattoos, even the little flowery ones on the ankle.  I have certain views about women who do that to themselves,” laments dark-skinned Englishman Gordon Ferdinand.  “I kind of thought that being here in Japan, I’d be meeting up with a few stylish women who could step out in a kimono or a nice little cocktail number.

“But I’ve got to be absolutely honest and say that I’ve had it with these women with jungle fever.  They just want it rough and nasty all the time.  None of them want sensual, sweet and tender love, with is what I have by the truckload.”


Every hip hoppin’ J-girl’s fantasy.


For Ferdinand, a 41 year old civil engineering lecturer at Ushikome Industrial College, the hostile reaction to his gentle seduction techniques has been startling.  “One woman was trying to shout at me and be deliberately confrontational.  When I finally calmed her down and asked her what her problem was, she said she wanted to be called a bitch or a ho and get slapped around a bit, like in the movies. Frankly, I had no idea how to deal with that.

“I mean, what am I supposed to say when a woman grabs my VSOP cognac and splashes some over her breasts intentionally saying, “Come on, homey!  Give it to me raw dog”?  Ok, ok… on that occasion I responded how any man would respond, but I made sure to keep my liquor out of reach after that.”


This guy’s on the phone booking his flight to Tokyo right now.


The North Londoner has had an ever increasing struggle to escape being pigeonholed.  Well meaning girlfriends leave grape juice in his fridge, or buy his underwear, only to select singlets instead of undershirts.

“I told that woman that my underarms needed protection, but she was too far gone into her California fantasy to listen.  She bought me blue and red bandanas at the same time too.

“I really think I should have come to Tokyo ages ago, when Curtis Mayfield, Sam Cooke, and Solomon Burke were around.  Back then I could have got a woman of class, not some potty-mouthed wench with a vagina that hums more than a thousand Buddhists at prayer.”

Brit Chick owns friends with green tea

Style and grace are the main elements of an authentic tea ceremony.  Hot water and ground tea powder should be considered too.


A festive season get-together in Edinburgh, Scotland, has seen a 28 year old Tokyo resident come out on top in the unofficial exotic tea contest played out by her circle of friends.  Takanawa resident Fiona Nicol-Crook arrived back in Tokyo recently with many stories, but none as oft-repeated as her tea victory.

“My friend Sarah turned up with genuine Tibetan tea which she had procured in northern India, and Liz looked so smug when she made coffee using beans harvested in a rebel-controlled village in Columbia. Everyone was pretty excited to taste the flavors of areas which are still beyond the reach of evil western corporations.”


Nicol-Crook learnt the ways of the tea ceremony in the company of other curious westerners. The mood was soured, however, when a creepy German offered to give the women leg massages.


With the tea and coffee getting the afternoon off to a good start, Nicol-Crook was beginning to doubt that her macha would get her the attention that she desired (her friends’ didn’t even attempt to repeat the related Japanese words), and it wasn’t until she whipped out her mixing accessories that she began to feel confident of success.  In an instant Nicol-Crook’s friends, who spend a lot of their free time stuffing about with crystals and astrology, went all gooey over her little oriental tools.

“I took up the traditional tea ceremony posture on the floor, and encouraged others to follow suit, before mixing up some tea in an aesthetically appealing way. I had six people around me, although they were literally in the palm of my hand!  They quickly learnt the way of unique Japanese tea where you get the feeling of Edo, as well as having your legs ache like buggery within five minutes, creating a more spiritual and zen-like experience.


The clincher! Nicol-Crook’s buddies all wanted to try out the traditional wooden whisk.


“Everyone expressed their envy of Japanese women being able to comfortably sit like that, so I felt the need to gently remind them they all had much bigger breasts (than Japanese women).  My kind words put them back in good spirits.  And although the leg pain went a long way to my success, deep down I think that it was the mixing that did the trick,” reflected Nicol-Crook. “Everyone wanted to have a go with that cute little whisk. In the case of the Tibetan tea and the Columbian coffee, it was just a matter of sitting around waiting for the water to boil.”

Nicol-Crook promised that when she arrived back in Japan she would send supplies of green tea, which will then sit around in Scottish pantries for a few months before being turfed.

Ian Ziering met with incredibly underwhelming reception at Narita Airport

Steppin’ out: Ziering dazzles despite the lack of attention at Narita Airport


The days when half of Spain would turn up at an airport to see Ian Ziering and his co-stars seemed decades away when the actor jetted in to Japan to promote himself and attend the opening of a store (although not in any official capacity), only to be met with blanket disinterest yesterday.

Ziering, who played the least popular regular character in the hit series Beverley Hills 90210, still managed a smile for the camera that he had passed to an airline employee in order to document his arrival.


Mr. Denim: Ziering was a fashion leader during the 90’s


“I’ve still got the Sharknado franchise, hard pecs and abs, and my unorthodoxly pronounced name,” explained Ziering, as he sat in garish clothes whilst sipping coffee at the most exposed table to passers-by at Harajuku’s wankiest café.

“Nobody turned up to meet me? So what! It was just a case of someone not sending a fax to the right place. I was hoping to slip through the airport quietly anyway.


Big Boy Summit: Trump and Ziering share a joke


“So let’s do this interview, yeah? It’s been a while since I’ve sat down with a quality journalist such as yourself. So… what do you want to know about me? How much I deadlift? What moisturizers I use? I can tell you how I prepared to get into the role of Steve Sanders, but that’ll take a while.”

Ziering then talked about himself for an hour, before leaving to pose at crowded intersections and buy “all kinds of Japanese stuff” that he doesn’t need.

Trump “turned Japanese” for top level meetings in Tokyo

They’re calling it the “Handshake of Democracy”: it’s all warmth and smiles for the popularly elected leaders of the Pacific.


Keeping with his new policy of just trying to fit in, and doing as the Romans do in Rome, President Trump surprised the locals in Japan by passing himself off as “more Japanese than the Japanese” according to one observer.

Trump seamlessly adapted to the ways of the Orient by punctuating every sentence of his opening remarks with a fake cough while talking to local lawmakers, before sitting down and drinking oolong tea through a bendy straw.


It’s high fives for the big boys here, but Trump’s caddy said the president appeared displeased when Abe shouted, “Ivana win,” prior to teeing off.


“Sometimes it’d just be one of those little wimpy coughs, and other times it’d be one of those coughs when it seemed like he was trying to expel every last big of phlegm from his body,” outlined Junior Secretary for Foreign Press Tiffany Permissiani.

“Donald’s clearly tired of being criticized for being a neo-imperialist, stomping all over the world on other cultures. So he decided to draw a line in the sand in Japan.

“And while he didn’t wear a hakama or do some judo like Mr.Putin, he certainly ingratiated himself by making a dad joke when a waitress brought his hand towel, and guffawing heartily when an intoxicated bureaucrat asked to see his penis.”

Will the low birthrate result in nutter-free Tokyo trains?

A white person making the “chinky eye face” on a suburban train in Australia. Could this be the future for Tokyo?


Experts have warned that some Tokyo train lines will be forced to function without resident weird guys in the not too distant future if current trends continue. The startling news came at the release of a new report which outlines the knock-on effects of the declining birth rate in Japan.


A beatboxer providing passengers with unexpected, and perhaps unappreciated, entertainment on a train in America.


“We are entering unchartered waters with this,” explained Namboku Line Superintendent Yari Makkuri. “We’ve always had our passengers with Down-syndrome, autism, alcoholism, or general social retardation who we could rely on. A future without these types would indeed change the zeitgeist.”


Just what Tokyo needs? Could this guy become a welcome presence on the trains in the eastern capital?


Across town in Shiodome, Toei Oedo Line Senior Clerk Hito Banju presses down lightly on a row of the venetian blinds allowing for a better view of the platform below. His white gloves and starched grey cap rest neatly on top of the Birthrate Impact Report that he’s just read to me. “Maybe this report will convince the LDP that we must open the door to more foreigners… once and for all.


Platform pizza time! But men like this are becoming fewer and fewer in number.


“The New York railroads have an abundance of nutters. They’ve got the onanists, the psycho dancers, and all those intimidating beat box guys. And here we are staring into the abyss. Where are we going to be when there are no big and scary special needs folks on our trains? ”


He’ll make it onto the train, but he’ll miss his station and wake up in the countryside surrounded by rice fields.


So far offers from Sydney and London transport authorities to round up a certain number of “special cases” and send them to Tokyo have been met with a mix of curious caution; will the Aussie bogans and perennially pissed Scotsmen be able to seamlessly adapt to the ways of Japan? That’s the question that Makkuri and Banju are asking the experts, and the answer is likely to decide whether commuters will ride in comfort or wariness in the future.

Embracing Western Influence

An accurate artist impression of Commodore Matthew Perry, who visited Japan with his black ships.


There has never been a better time to live in Tokyo. The train system, the parks, and the public facilities just keep getting better. The restaurants, the bars, the clubs too. With all this on offer I should be happier than a pig feasting on the fresh corpse of a guy who came off second best in an underworld disagreement. But, you see, dear reader (and I know that there are many of you out there. I’m always grateful for the warm messages of support that you send.), there’s something that I hear from time to time which gets on my tits a little.

Occasionally, just occasionally, the amount of western influence on Japan is brought to my attention. Western influence. And people talk about it like it’s a bad thing!? Let me tell you; the people who say this are likely to be the most miserable gits you will ever meet.

Willliam S. Clark taught the locals how to farm sheep, camels and llama with varying degrees of success.


Thanks to brave, wise, and handsome white men like Matthew Perry and Douglas Macarthur, Japan opened up to the west a long time ago. So, has Japan become overwhelmed by graffiti, crime, gun massacres, drugs, and alcohol related violence? Umm…no. Instead, Japan just chose the best bits; sport, beer, beef, eggs, dairy products, jazz music, and the bikini. At the very least, thanks to the western influenced diet, tits in Japan are looking quite nice.

The introduction of milk and butter, in particular, has led to Japanese breasts becoming a pleasure to admire. So when I hear some cantankerous old codger moaning about Japanese people not eating tofu, fish and rice at every meal every day, I say to him, go ahead and say that to the man eating yakinuku with his D-cup girlfriend. Say that to the guy eating pasta with his well-rounded wife. Say that to the teenage boy with the tent in his trousers enjoying a hamburger with his soon-to-be-deflowered girlfriend whose tits are threatening to burst through her school blouse.


These three white men did amazing things to help the people of Japan.


I don’t want to labor the point, but before we turn our attention to boring little things like workers rights and common law, we should spend some more time dwelling on breasts. Cup sizes in Japan have reached dazzling heights recently, showing growth trends that make the rest of the world look on in envy. Indeed, when we consider such things as the birth rate and the economy,  it appears that about the only thing increasing in Japan these days is the size of the average pair of boobs.

We must move on, however reluctantly, so that we can also acknowledge the people from the west who now reside in Japan.  While it’s obvious that the vast majority of the Europeans and North Americans are hardly cream of the crop, they generally endeavor to adapt to the local culture.  In this way, they create a hell of a lot less of a nuisance than, say, a bunch of hipsters moving into poor neighborhoods in New York City and London.

Still not convinced? Well, there are many things that we can turn our attention too, but I think we should turn to poo.  Yes – let’s focus on defecating… while sitting down. Have you ever seen someone trying to read anything on a Japanese toilet?   A newspaper, a magazine, or even an i-phone?  It can’t be done comfortably now, can it, if at all.  Well, now I’d like you to try to imagine someone attempting to masturbate while squatting over a Japanese toilet.  That you should see, my friend. That you should see.

Friction leads to collapse of popular Homosexual festival

All the fun of the festival… but it looks like it will be a bridge too far this year.


“It’s going to be awfully hard for me to keep from sounding so pessimistic about this,” croaks Shido Tanimoto, former Chief Planner of Tokyo’s main festival for broad-minded folk. “The big boys have always worked together for these big events, but the rivalry has become too intense now.

“There’s always been friction between the clubs, but it’s always been overcome for the greater good. The problem now is that the number of straight foreign women visiting the clubs has increased, and the clubs have been in competition to promote the other as the place for western chicks to go.”

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if creativy and self-expression are simply an individual’s cry for help.


Chin Chin, with it’s disco flavored music and sweet cocktail selection, has seen itself overwhelmed by foreign queer dears, some of whom have been gently encouraged to go there by rival clubs.  Some punters claim that they are made to feel like zoo animals due to the straight girls either gawking at them or trying to hang out with them because they consider gay guys to be cool.

“These fruit flys are trying to one-up their mates back in the States,” said Phillip Simkiss, a 34 year old skinny little man in hot pants. “They want to go back home and talk about how they got drunk with some Japanese gay guys, as though your regular American gay is now passé. None of them would go within a bull’s roar of an Asian guy back in the States, but they want to get up on stage with Kenji and Shunsuke and wriggle around. But the Japanese guys reel back as soon as they see the muffin-tops and the puyopuyo upper arms.”

The celebration of homosexuality  has always been about freedom, but unfortunately that sometimes means freedom from dignity.


But this is the experience that the westerners are looking for.  As Simkiss points out, the main rival has gone ultra-masculine in order to turn the women off.  “It’s always sweat, sweat, sweat at Double Adaptor these days.  It never used to be like that. They’ve got all kinds of football jerseys displayed over the bar; Argentina Pumas, Calgary Stampeders, and Sydney Swans tops are all there.  Seriously, it’s like Burroughs’ “Cities of the Red Night” in there with all those buffed guys chesting each other to “Thunderstruck” and “Firestarter”.  Madonna’s not even on the playlist.

“So usually the western women come to Chin Chin, crying out for attention from guys who aren’t the least bit interested in ramming them.  Fag hags!  Do we need to have a dialogue to create a new level of understanding?  Well… no!  They just need to go to Roppongi and confront their fears of getting boned by a marine.”

As one Douple Adaptor regular, 27 year old Callum Fulwood, exclaimed, “I love being here surrounded by men who are up for it.  I only go to Chin Chin when I’m going through a dry spell.  I mean, c’mon, the house special is a strawberry daiquiri!  I’m not a member there so sometimes I have to line up.  But a receiver that I’m acquainted with hangs out there, and it usually only takes one or two drinks before my member gains admission to his VIP section.”

Unfortunately the cancellation of the festival will mean than not one D-Ream song will be sung in Yoyogi Park this year.


Although the rivalry between the two bars has become too poisonous for cooperation, there were rumors that other establishments would take over planning.  It was hoped that S&M club Butaniku No Katana and the Fruity Buns bakery would step into the breach, but their owners withdrew when they saw the logistics involved in running the festival.

Some people have made it clear, however, that they could care less about getting out in the park waving rainbow flags and blowing whistles.  Says Fulwood, “Double Adaptor is located near a cemetery, and it doesn’t get much better than being there at dawn, gazing across at Shinjuku while consummating a fleeting romance.”

Career Opportunities in Nursing are ones that always knock

A smile for the camera, but don’t be fooled; a professional nurse is 100% focused knowing that patient information must be meticulously recorded so that any medical professional can comprehend the situation and act accordingly.


More than anything, Japan needs nurses; home grown nurses.  While other G20 countries raid their former colonies and the 3rd world (which are more or less the same things), Japan prefers to develop its own nurses and keep them here, so that those other greedy countries can’t take advantage of the superior skills that are used here.

So why has a career in nursing become unpopular over the last 10, 20, or 30 years?  It’s not as if  nursing has fallen off the radar.  Nursing is a job with a level of high awareness in the public consciousness.  Nurses appear in dramas every single night on terrestrial television, and yet young people would prefer to work in an office filling in forms and excel sheets all day.

So…  Just.  What.  The. Hell.  Is.  Going.  On?

A pink uniform in nursing is the equivalent of a black belt in karate. It is awarded upon the administering of their 100th enema.


Let’s face it; there are long hours and nurses have to deal with the general public (eww!) when they are sick and anxious, but the daily duties aren’t that hard.  Checking pulses and temperatures, giving injections, and administering sponge baths (sometimes to injured footballers with amazing pecs!) are really all there is to it.  You might have to clear away a soiled sheet here or there, which is unpleasant, however this kind of work can leave you with an enormous sense of self-worth.

And if you still have doubts about pursuing a career in nursing, just think about the advantages; unemployment is only ever going to be voluntary (unless you’re incompetent), there’s always loads of overtime available, and most of all, you get to work alongside people with amazing earnings potential.

Pulses may race when this young nurse uses her stethoscope.


Seriously!  You work with doctors!  Doctors!  Surgeons!  Specialists!  Get to know these people and start relationships with them.  Make compilation CD’s and present them on the doctors’ birthdays with little cards that say, “I hope this helps you to chill after a long day.”  Or give them back massages and shoulder massages at the end of their shifts when they are exhausted and at their most vulnerable.  Do what you need to do to get close to them.  Use what you have in order to make the relationships work for you.  Remember that the only other people who can get this close to people who make this much cash regularly are high-class hookers, or maybe legal secretaries (but the asshole factor is tremendously high among lawyers).

And remember; those doctors, and your nursing career are just waiting for you, but they’re not going to wait forever.  Get in there while you’ve still got something to offer.

* No male nurses made themselves available to be photographed for this article.