Ian Ziering met with incredibly underwhelming reception at Narita Airport

Steppin’ out: Ziering dazzles despite the lack of attention at Narita Airport


The days when half of Spain would turn up at an airport to see Ian Ziering and his co-stars seemed decades away when the actor jetted in to Japan to promote himself and attend the opening of a store (although not in any official capacity), only to be met with blanket disinterest yesterday.

Ziering, who played the least popular regular character in the hit series Beverley Hills 90210, still managed a smile for the camera that he had passed to an airline employee in order to document his arrival.


Mr. Denim: Ziering was a fashion leader during the 90’s


“I’ve still got the Sharknado franchise, hard pecs and abs, and my unorthodoxly pronounced name,” explained Ziering, as he sat in garish clothes whilst sipping coffee at the most exposed table to passers-by at Harajuku’s wankiest café.

“Nobody turned up to meet me? So what! It was just a case of someone not sending a fax to the right place. I was hoping to slip through the airport quietly anyway.


Big Boy Summit: Trump and Ziering share a joke


“So let’s do this interview, yeah? It’s been a while since I’ve sat down with a quality journalist such as yourself. So… what do you want to know about me? How much I deadlift? What moisturizers I use? I can tell you how I prepared to get into the role of Steve Sanders, but that’ll take a while.”

Ziering then talked about himself for an hour, before leaving to pose at crowded intersections and buy “all kinds of Japanese stuff” that he doesn’t need.

Trump “turned Japanese” for top level meetings in Tokyo

They’re calling it the “Handshake of Democracy”: it’s all warmth and smiles for the popularly elected leaders of the Pacific.


Keeping with his new policy of just trying to fit in, and doing as the Romans do in Rome, President Trump surprised the locals in Japan by passing himself off as “more Japanese than the Japanese” according to one observer.

Trump seamlessly adapted to the ways of the Orient by punctuating every sentence of his opening remarks with a fake cough while talking to local lawmakers, before sitting down and drinking oolong tea through a bendy straw.


It’s high fives for the big boys here, but Trump’s caddy said the president appeared displeased when Abe shouted, “Ivana win,” prior to teeing off.


“Sometimes it’d just be one of those little wimpy coughs, and other times it’d be one of those coughs when it seemed like he was trying to expel every last big of phlegm from his body,” outlined Junior Secretary for Foreign Press Tiffany Permissiani.

“Donald’s clearly tired of being criticized for being a neo-imperialist, stomping all over the world on other cultures. So he decided to draw a line in the sand in Japan.

“And while he didn’t wear a hakama or do some judo like Mr.Putin, he certainly ingratiated himself by making a dad joke when a waitress brought his hand towel, and guffawing heartily when an intoxicated bureaucrat asked to see his penis.”

Will the low birthrate result in nutter-free Tokyo trains?

A white person making the “chinky eye face” on a suburban train in Australia. Could this be the future for Tokyo?


Experts have warned that some Tokyo train lines will be forced to function without resident weird guys in the not too distant future if current trends continue. The startling news came at the release of a new report which outlines the knock-on effects of the declining birth rate in Japan.


A beatboxer providing passengers with unexpected, and perhaps unappreciated, entertainment on a train in America.


“We are entering unchartered waters with this,” explained Namboku Line Superintendent Yari Makkuri. “We’ve always had our passengers with Down-syndrome, autism, alcoholism, or general social retardation who we could rely on. A future without these types would indeed change the zeitgeist.”


Just what Tokyo needs? Could this guy become a welcome presence on the trains in the eastern capital?


Across town in Shiodome, Toei Oedo Line Senior Clerk Hito Banju presses down lightly on a row of the venetian blinds allowing for a better view of the platform below. His white gloves and starched grey cap rest neatly on top of the Birthrate Impact Report that he’s just read to me. “Maybe this report will convince the LDP that we must open the door to more foreigners… once and for all.


Platform pizza time! But men like this are becoming fewer and fewer in number.


“The New York railroads have an abundance of nutters. They’ve got the onanists, the psycho dancers, and all those intimidating beat box guys. And here we are staring into the abyss. Where are we going to be when there are no big and scary special needs folks on our trains? ”


He’ll make it onto the train, but he’ll miss his station and wake up in the countryside surrounded by rice fields.


So far offers from Sydney and London transport authorities to round up a certain number of “special cases” and send them to Tokyo have been met with a mix of curious caution; will the Aussie bogans and perennially pissed Scotsmen be able to seamlessly adapt to the ways of Japan? That’s the question that Makkuri and Banju are asking the experts, and the answer is likely to decide whether commuters will ride in comfort or wariness in the future.

Embracing Western Influence

An accurate artist impression of Commodore Matthew Perry, who visited Japan with his black ships.


There has never been a better time to live in Tokyo. The train system, the parks, and the public facilities just keep getting better. The restaurants, the bars, the clubs too. With all this on offer I should be happier than a pig feasting on the fresh corpse of a guy who came off second best in an underworld disagreement. But, you see, dear reader (and I know that there are many of you out there. I’m always grateful for the warm messages of support that you send.), there’s something that I hear from time to time which gets on my tits a little.

Occasionally, just occasionally, the amount of western influence on Japan is brought to my attention. Western influence. And people talk about it like it’s a bad thing!? Let me tell you; the people who say this are likely to be the most miserable gits you will ever meet.

Willliam S. Clark taught the locals how to farm sheep, camels and llama with varying degrees of success.


Thanks to brave, wise, and handsome white men like Matthew Perry and Douglas Macarthur, Japan opened up to the west a long time ago. So, has Japan become overwhelmed by graffiti, crime, gun massacres, drugs, and alcohol related violence? Umm…no. Instead, Japan just chose the best bits; sport, beer, beef, eggs, dairy products, jazz music, and the bikini. At the very least, thanks to the western influenced diet, tits in Japan are looking quite nice.

The introduction of milk and butter, in particular, has led to Japanese breasts becoming a pleasure to admire. So when I hear some cantankerous old codger moaning about Japanese people not eating tofu, fish and rice at every meal every day, I say to him, go ahead and say that to the man eating yakinuku with his D-cup girlfriend. Say that to the guy eating pasta with his well-rounded wife. Say that to the teenage boy with the tent in his trousers enjoying a hamburger with his soon-to-be-deflowered girlfriend whose tits are threatening to burst through her school blouse.


These three white men did amazing things to help the people of Japan.


I don’t want to labor the point, but before we turn our attention to boring little things like workers rights and common law, we should spend some more time dwelling on breasts. Cup sizes in Japan have reached dazzling heights recently, showing growth trends that make the rest of the world look on in envy. Indeed, when we consider such things as the birth rate and the economy,  it appears that about the only thing increasing in Japan these days is the size of the average pair of boobs.

We must move on, however reluctantly, so that we can also acknowledge the people from the west who now reside in Japan.  While it’s obvious that the vast majority of the Europeans and North Americans are hardly cream of the crop, they generally endeavor to adapt to the local culture.  In this way, they create a hell of a lot less of a nuisance than, say, a bunch of hipsters moving into poor neighborhoods in New York City and London.

Still not convinced? Well, there are many things that we can turn our attention too, but I think we should turn to poo.  Yes – let’s focus on defecating… while sitting down. Have you ever seen someone trying to read anything on a Japanese toilet?   A newspaper, a magazine, or even an i-phone?  It can’t be done comfortably now, can it, if at all.  Well, now I’d like you to try to imagine someone attempting to masturbate while squatting over a Japanese toilet.  That you should see, my friend. That you should see.

Friction leads to collapse of popular Homosexual festival

All the fun of the festival… but it looks like it will be a bridge too far this year.


“It’s going to be awfully hard for me to keep from sounding so pessimistic about this,” croaks Shido Tanimoto, former Chief Planner of Tokyo’s main festival for broad-minded folk. “The big boys have always worked together for these big events, but the rivalry has become too intense now.

“There’s always been friction between the clubs, but it’s always been overcome for the greater good. The problem now is that the number of straight foreign women visiting the clubs has increased, and the clubs have been in competition to promote the other as the place for western chicks to go.”

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if creativy and self-expression are simply an individual’s cry for help.


Chin Chin, with it’s disco flavored music and sweet cocktail selection, has seen itself overwhelmed by foreign queer dears, some of whom have been gently encouraged to go there by rival clubs.  Some punters claim that they are made to feel like zoo animals due to the straight girls either gawking at them or trying to hang out with them because they consider gay guys to be cool.

“These fruit flys are trying to one-up their mates back in the States,” said Phillip Simkiss, a 34 year old skinny little man in hot pants. “They want to go back home and talk about how they got drunk with some Japanese gay guys, as though your regular American gay is now passé. None of them would go within a bull’s roar of an Asian guy back in the States, but they want to get up on stage with Kenji and Shunsuke and wriggle around. But the Japanese guys reel back as soon as they see the muffin-tops and the puyopuyo upper arms.”

The celebration of homosexuality  has always been about freedom, but unfortunately that sometimes means freedom from dignity.


But this is the experience that the westerners are looking for.  As Simkiss points out, the main rival has gone ultra-masculine in order to turn the women off.  “It’s always sweat, sweat, sweat at Double Adaptor these days.  It never used to be like that. They’ve got all kinds of football jerseys displayed over the bar; Argentina Pumas, Calgary Stampeders, and Sydney Swans tops are all there.  Seriously, it’s like Burroughs’ “Cities of the Red Night” in there with all those buffed guys chesting each other to “Thunderstruck” and “Firestarter”.  Madonna’s not even on the playlist.

“So usually the western women come to Chin Chin, crying out for attention from guys who aren’t the least bit interested in ramming them.  Fag hags!  Do we need to have a dialogue to create a new level of understanding?  Well… no!  They just need to go to Roppongi and confront their fears of getting boned by a marine.”

As one Douple Adaptor regular, 27 year old Callum Fulwood, exclaimed, “I love being here surrounded by men who are up for it.  I only go to Chin Chin when I’m going through a dry spell.  I mean, c’mon, the house special is a strawberry daiquiri!  I’m not a member there so sometimes I have to line up.  But a receiver that I’m acquainted with hangs out there, and it usually only takes one or two drinks before my member gains admission to his VIP section.”

Unfortunately the cancellation of the festival will mean than not one D-Ream song will be sung in Yoyogi Park this year.


Although the rivalry between the two bars has become too poisonous for cooperation, there were rumors that other establishments would take over planning.  It was hoped that S&M club Butaniku No Katana and the Fruity Buns bakery would step into the breach, but their owners withdrew when they saw the logistics involved in running the festival.

Some people have made it clear, however, that they could care less about getting out in the park waving rainbow flags and blowing whistles.  Says Fulwood, “Double Adaptor is located near a cemetery, and it doesn’t get much better than being there at dawn, gazing across at Shinjuku while consummating a fleeting romance.”

Career Opportunities in Nursing are ones that always knock

A smile for the camera, but don’t be fooled; a professional nurse is 100% focused knowing that patient information must be meticulously recorded so that any medical professional can comprehend the situation and act accordingly.


More than anything, Japan needs nurses; home grown nurses.  While other G20 countries raid their former colonies and the 3rd world (which are more or less the same things), Japan prefers to develop its own nurses and keep them here, so that those other greedy countries can’t take advantage of the superior skills that are used here.

So why has a career in nursing become unpopular over the last 10, 20, or 30 years?  It’s not as if  nursing has fallen off the radar.  Nursing is a job with a level of high awareness in the public consciousness.  Nurses appear in dramas every single night on terrestrial television, and yet young people would prefer to work in an office filling in forms and excel sheets all day.

So…  Just.  What.  The. Hell.  Is.  Going.  On?

A pink uniform in nursing is the equivalent of a black belt in karate. It is awarded upon the administering of their 100th enema.


Let’s face it; there are long hours and nurses have to deal with the general public (eww!) when they are sick and anxious, but the daily duties aren’t that hard.  Checking pulses and temperatures, giving injections, and administering sponge baths (sometimes to injured footballers with amazing pecs!) are really all there is to it.  You might have to clear away a soiled sheet here or there, which is unpleasant, however this kind of work can leave you with an enormous sense of self-worth.

And if you still have doubts about pursuing a career in nursing, just think about the advantages; unemployment is only ever going to be voluntary (unless you’re incompetent), there’s always loads of overtime available, and most of all, you get to work alongside people with amazing earnings potential.

Pulses may race when this young nurse uses her stethoscope.


Seriously!  You work with doctors!  Doctors!  Surgeons!  Specialists!  Get to know these people and start relationships with them.  Make compilation CD’s and present them on the doctors’ birthdays with little cards that say, “I hope this helps you to chill after a long day.”  Or give them back massages and shoulder massages at the end of their shifts when they are exhausted and at their most vulnerable.  Do what you need to do to get close to them.  Use what you have in order to make the relationships work for you.  Remember that the only other people who can get this close to people who make this much cash regularly are high-class hookers, or maybe legal secretaries (but the asshole factor is tremendously high among lawyers).

And remember; those doctors, and your nursing career are just waiting for you, but they’re not going to wait forever.  Get in there while you’ve still got something to offer.

* No male nurses made themselves available to be photographed for this article.

Old men of East Asia in talks to end all talks

Some islands which are apparently of some importance to somebody.


Sick to the back teeth with the carry on between their respective leaders, a group of assertive old men from eastern Asia will be sitting down together in Singapore this week to work on a plan that they hope will ultimately lead to peace, harmony, understanding, and mutual respect in the region. The unofficial talks are set to include representatives from China, North Korea, South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam and The Philippines.


A couple of cute little rocky outcrops in the middle of the sea.


“We’re tired of seeing our leaders posturing and playing political games, so we are coming together to see if we can overcome our differences and come up with some kind of diplomatic solution that we can present to the media,” explained Mie-born Jun Chitsuheki, who at 64 years of age is the youngest participant.


Another island in the middle of the ocean.  Pray for the poor people who sign up to avoid astronomical college tuition fees and then get posted here.


As the talks will be covering a number of potential flashpoints, a code-of-behaviour has been drawn up which all representatives are expected to swear to prior to talks commencing. It is understood that all participants must recognize that: they are all human, they are all heterosexual with healthy sex lives, they were all born to men and women who were married, they all have penises of above average size, and their mothers have never regularly performed fellatio on non-Asian men.


Is it a rock or an island?  You be the judge.


It is believed that with the code-of-behavior, the talks will remain on track throughout the duration, without the necessity of casting aspersions on anyone’s ideology, family background or personal lifestyle choices. “While an immediate launch into an all-in-brawl sounds like a lot of fun, we all know that it wouldn’t be very productive,” said Chitsuheki, who admitted to having learnt a few choice insults in “various languages” nonetheless.

This is Tuvalu, which actually has nothing at all to do with the discussions.


Many observers say that they are looking forward to lively discussions, although there is some doubt as to just how much the representatives from Taiwan, Vietnam and The Philippines will contribute. According to one anonymous source, the Chinese delegation has strongly suggested that participants from those countries take on unobtrusive, passive roles for the talks “unless they want to get what’s coming to them”.

Here comes your man… zoku!!

Skiing is von Tittenberg’s preferred way to stay in shape for all his busy night work.


Are you a white playboy?  Finding yourself feeling down these days? Starting to sniff an indifferent mood toward westerners?  Waking up alone again every Sunday for the past month?  Feeling annoyed by articles beginning with questions?

Well it’s time to take a good hard look at yourself, put on your lucky scoring boxer shorts, and get out there.  Because according to one 37 year old convivial raconteur from Salzburg, Japan is still very much the land of opportunity.

“During the last two months in Japan I’ve got laid more times that I had in the 7 years before it,” gushes Pimmelfried von Tittenberg.  “I even humped two Japanese wives of English teachers.  The wives let me cum in them even though always made their Anglo-Saxon husbands use rubbers.  They know that over 25% of all the English teachers have STD’s,” he adds with his trademark infectious laugh.


While the fans stare at the sport on the big screen, Tittenberg works his magic on the ladies.


The first thing I notice about von Tittenberg is his acerbic wit and self-deprecating humor. This is despite his blue bombardier’s eyes and his broad chest pushing against his short-sleeve buttoned shirt.

“Those poor girls can’t stand their unintelligent husbands and can’t wait to get to Europe and get a real man like me.  They take pride in their English ability until I tell them that English is just a cheap dialect of German.  The girls in Japan like to call me Thor.  For my ice blue eyes, long blonde hair and large muscular built (sic).  Nothing was easier than approaching a table of Japanese women with black guys harassing them and putting those sexist boys in their place.  And their broken hearts when the girls left with me… (gestures as if saying “boo hoo”).

“I had a couple of bad off black friends who said the only way for them to get Japanese girls was to go to hip-hop clubs around US bases, where about a third of the girls are prostitutes.  As black military men in Japan say, you can get a Japanese girl around a military base, but you might have to pay for it, but go out to another city not associated with a base and you might as well have anthrax.

“Every night I went out to clubs I got laid. Single girls, mothers, teens, women married to Japanese men, or dating black men.  It’s kind of sad how I used those women since they haven’t gotten the white men they want yet, but since I’ve treated them they now have more confidence and they know they can get them,” he laughs.


No Anglo-Saxons please! It’s Fraulein Wunderbar all the way for von Tittenburg at Tokyo’s numerous Oktober Fest gatherings.


Endearingly free of pretensions, and willing to offer more anecdotes, von Tittenberg continues, “I make sure I get back to Japan twice a year just for the sex.  I feel sorry for the local guys that can’t get laid. (Pretends to address question to the entire country)  Did an Austrian give your mom or sister the best sex she’s ever had?

“To you think your lies and fabricated stories (are) going to stop Japanese women loving white men, with more marriages, more kids, and more sex with white men than any other minorities in Japan, and guys like me coming here and being able to pull girls that should be models left and right.  Just being tall and blonde, with ice blue eyes and muscular with long hair is a pheromone to Japanese women.

“I come to Japan every year cause the sex is so great and so, so easy,” he said, before signing off with a laconic grin, “I am sorry what some white dude did to you (sic) mom, sister or wife, but at least she got satisfied like she never has in her life. Hell, as I’ve been going to Japan for a while now, that man might even be me (laughs).”


Game Review: Tokyo Pedestrian

Easy access: Practice mode features absolutely nothing on the street to impede the player’s progress.


If you’ve had a gutful of fantasy games and you’ve lost all interest in magic coins and pixie dust, then maybe, just maybe, this game is for you. And really, what’s not to like about it?

Coming with a bejesus amount of reality, Tokyo Pedestrian puts players on the streets of the world’s most populous city with time as the enemy. Some inconsiderate melancholic has jumped in front of a train, so you are forced to walk five kilometers to your destination. Can you get there without bringing shame on your company, yourself, and your country?

Players are required to avoid being deafened by political speeches, right wing vans, squeaky bicycle brakes, and enthusiastic shop staff clapping and shouting irrashaimase in their ears.  Points are lost if you take a flyer offering 5% off a product or meal that you have never ever been interested in.

The action starts at the train station after news comes through of blood on the tracks.



And negotiating the businessmen approaching four-abreast, the bunch of junior high school students walking at a speed of 2 kilometers an hour, the texting cyclists tearing along the sidewalk, and motorized mama-charis are all just part of the challenge.

Other pitfalls include the sexy Korean woman offering a cheap rub & tug (Can you get serviced and still make in on time?), the funky looking zakaya which smells like Glastonbury, the extra friendly stray cat, unnecessary roadworks, the 13 month old toddler making her sidewalk debut, and several parked bicycles which have been blown over by gusts of wind.

Westerner mode includes the extra challenges including the cop who may or may not want to see your ID card, the yummy mummy who gives you a little more than a sideways glance (although points can be accumulated if digits are exchanged), the old guy who slows down and stares at you while blocking your path, and the person who sees you and unconsciously exclaims. “Ah! Gaijin da!”.


Many reviewers agree that Tokyo Pedestrian is seriously the best game to come along since Tokyo Tank Battle.

Lovers of Japan’s four seasons will be happy to see that each season comes with its own unique challenges.  The rainy weather presents probably the toughest conditions, simply because it features lots of young women walking around with umbrellas trying to stay dry, whilst not giving a tuppenny fart about anyone around them.  Summer mode even has trees filled with cicadas not only chirping in chorus, but also dropping onto the road and your head too. Yummy!

Sanpo Games, the team behind this new project, are cautiously confident that the market will respond positively to Tokyo Pedestrian. “We think this will sell well with residents of Tokyo, New York City, Paris, and London. It’s a gamble elsewhere though,” explained president Taima Suttai. “We’re not sure how well it’ll sell in Canada, California, and Australia, basically because so many fat-assed Westerners never get out of their cars, making the concept of walking through a city largely alien to them.”

“The only female who understands me just happens to be a Kanagawa schoolgirl.”

For the time being Hocking prefers Rina to maintain contact via public phone rather than by mobile or e-mail.

Part 1 in our find-your-love-in-Japan series, designed to inspire single foreigners to search for their true love somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up archipelago.

Tony Hocking shudders visibly when asked about his previous relationships. “I’ve had relations with women from many countries, with women of all different colors and shapes and sizes. But they’re all built like construction workers compared to my new girl… err… special friend, who’s a real Tinkerbell.”

Hocking is referring to his 18 year old “soul buddy”, Rina Kuriba,  who he met while working at the Sunrise English Conversation School. Despite the rather concerning age difference, the pair clicked on an intellectual level straight away. Says the 32 year old Winnipegger, “I asked her what her hobbies were, and she said that she liked movies, music and manga. I couldn’t believe it, because they were exactly the same hobbies that I have.”

“I wanted to get serious right away, but there were certain steps that I needed to take before pursuing a physical relationship with her. More than anything, I had to confirm whether there were any police in her family, and whether her father or brother knew karate.”

After ascertaining that there was minimal chance that he’d get his head kicked in, Hocking began his courtship of Kuriba. Their six months together have not only become a torrid, steamy, and at times kinky physical awakening for the young lass, but also the beginning of a mind-broadening journey.

“She told me that she was looking forward to graduation so that she would never have to wear her uniform again,” explained Hocking. “Naturally, I froze upon hearing these words. The thought of her putting her blazer, ribbons, and pleated skirt in the trash mortified me, so I carefully explained the dangers of the throwaway society, and suggested that she at least keep it for reasons of posterity.”

While some people may be quick to dismiss Hocking as a shameless opportunist, they should note that he is a man who needs to constantly consider his significant other’s situation. “While there are the fun times, there are also questions that we need to ask about her future. To that end I guess I do have a kind of mentor/life-coach role. So far I’ve advised her to pursue a career as  either a nurse or a cabin attendant, and to consider working as a race queen while she’s at college.”

* Names have been changed at the request of the interviewee.