The Hunted producer doing his best to get the movie canceled

“It wasn’t a bad movie.  It was alright, but it’s never got the attention that it deserved,” explains uncredited executive producer Dirk Flinders. “Christopher Lambert did a great job in his portrayal of a dorky westerner succumbing to yellow fever.  There was not reason to watch it beyond the moment when Joan Chen’s character was killed.  But, that’s the point.”

Flinders, an aging Hollywood industry type who’s by and large lived off his giant-sized trust fund for most of his life, has never been the talk of town, and time is running out for him to achieve some kind of fame or notoriety.  He wants that to change though.  He wants people crossing the street to talk to him and, if they don’t, he wants people to remind themselves that they must chat to him about the gossip that they’ve been hearing about him next time they have the chance.

“I’m against ignorance and blinkered thinking.  Why don’t young people react to my movie in the way they kind of got annoyed with Lost in Translation or that other movie with Chinese actresses instead of Japanese actresses (Memoirs of a Geisha)?  With The Hunted, they have a great opportunity to vent, to protest, and to chant my name after I tweet a well-timed retort.”

While taking credit for a movie when there is no proof of his involvement may come across as very brazen thing to do, I find myself warming to the veteran power-broker/creative adviser. His non-stop enthusiasm for such a dud movie starring a one emotion actor has to be admired. But, that enthusiasm definitely crosses into creepy territory as he focuses on the obvious high point of the film.

“I want people to channel their outrage towards this film.  There’s a Japanese woman looking sexy as hell in it for eleven minutes, but she’s not actually Japanese.  She’s got boobs to die for too, a juicy ass, and she’s seducing a European man. That fact alone ought to get bored Illinois suburbanites interested.  I want the steamy sex scene to be the gateway into the film, my film, being hotly discussed by the easily-outraged web-addicts around the world.

“Joan Chen had teenagers getting all hot and bothered downstairs when they saw her in The Last Emperor and Wildside.  Have you seen how many views that stuff still gets online!?  That’s an incredible amount of masturbating going on right there.  But she never got that kind of love with The Hunted, and I’m sure that must put her in a cloudy funk when she thinks about it.  So, I’m here to try to brighten up her day as well. Only more randy punters jerking to Joan will do that. 

“You see, I care about the artists long after they’ve worked on my projects.  That’s part of the old time Hollywood tradition of which I’m a custodian.  I was uncredited as an executive producer due to Hollywood politics and an unsavoury incident with a jealous ex-lover. But, I don’t play dirty. I’m a supporter of art. You won’t see me spilling the beans about who slept with which best boy or who relieves themself into stray buckets between takes.  I’ve read those books, of course, but I didn’t contribute to them.

“Let the podcasters, the YouTubers, and the Redditors love it and hate it, the way they’ll go on about Starship Troopers, Revenge of The Nerds, and 60s rock stars. It’s time to debate The Hunted, and it’s my job to see that it happens.”

Q&A with ALT of the year Kilbey Wilson-Piper

Kilbey Wilson-Piper. The man. The assistant language teacher.

Our September article (“The best ALT in Japan – Take a bow”) has has resulted in hundreds of responses from around the world.  Never did any of us imagine just how much interest there is in teaching in Japan.  In order to try to satiate readers’ curiosity, we have asked Kilbey Wilson-Piper to address a selection of quality questions, and he has readily agreed to respond.  So, without further ado, it’s over to you guys…

Latifa Malik:  How does it feel to be so privileged, a white man from a G7 country being able to easily move to another G7 country and smoothly get a cushy job?

KWP:  My goodness.  Try having my upbringing.  I dare you.  And trying growing up with such a miseducating mainstream media.  I didn’t know what a poppadum was until I was twenty, and I didn’t know that “soccer” was actually known as “football” in most other countries.  I still haven’t had the opportunity to drink ginger beer.  All those years reading Enid Blyton books and having no idea that ginger beer was just a soda.  I thought those British kids were getting hopped up after eating ice cream.

Angelina Scuderi:  ALTs are not teachers. Full stop. They are legally not allowed to teach, design or give any input whatsoever. Lazy Japanese teachers dodging responsibility have led to people misunderstanding what the job is.

The ALT program is about exposure, nothing else. Your job as an ALT is to be a friendly foreigner. A marketing project to make foreign language and, most importantly, foreigners less scary so kids may be more inclined to study. All they want is for a small percentage of students to say, “Hey, English is kind of cool and foreigners aren’t scary,” so they go on to study English in the future.  The goal is definitely not to teach English.

KWP:  Don’t say that, please.  There is a wide scope for the job definition.  Let me just say that I am a teacher.  Students only see me with the expectation that they are going to learn something.

Krystal Hastings:  Do you enjoy the full confidence and cooperation of the Japanese teachers with whom you teach?

KWP:  Good Question!  I’d like answer in the affirmative, but there are some teachers who change lesson plans unilaterally which makes me look like a schmuck sometimes.  I find that unforgivable.  I have a file of lesson plans which I’ve developed over the years.  These plans have saved so many Japanese teachers over the years when they’ve been out of ideas.  Occasionally a teacher will try to “borrow” my plans, but I’m not having that; they’re for me and my students only.

Tiffany Greenidge:  Are you like one of those dorky white guys who can barely look after themselves and end up with a Japanese woman who kind of adopts them as their husband, and the only thing that you’re qualified to do in Japan is teach your mother-tongue?

KWP:  Oh please…  I’m all about style and culture, and I often receive compliments from people around me.  I use no less than eight bathroom products before I step out of my house in the morning.  As for qualifications, I’ll just let you know that I worked as a junior records officer for my state’s land administration office for six years prior to coming to Japan. 

Jasmine Knowles:  How much does it bother you that you have to take orders, or at least directions, from someone who has just graduated from university?

KWP:  You’re assuming that I’m bothered by that!?  Let me tell you that I am part of the mentoring process for these graduates.  I’m usually teamed up with them because faculty leaders know that I can take the rookies under my wing and nurture them further.  What people like you need to understand is that there is pride and respect in any job, but that all depends on the pride and respect that you bring to it.  I find it sad that you’d expect me to be bothered by the age/seniority diametric in which I work, a diametric which is perhaps more common than you think.

Amber Portendorfer:  Do you have any friends in Japan?

KWP:  No, I don’t, but I think friendship tends to be overrated.  I once had a couple of friends here, but I had to greatly lower my standards to accommodate them.  One was Australian and the other was English.  They were both hopeless drunks who spent all their time trying to pick up.  It was embarrassing when we ordered at the izakaya because they’d both be trying to chat up the waitresses.  They were complete clowns but they would simply lie their way into women’s panties.  One would always say he was a film producer while the other would say he was an importer.  They both had a lot of success using that strategy.  I’ve always been too honorable to do that sort of thing.  Where are those guys now?  I think they both live with their parents back in their hometowns.

Roxy Nithercott:  I’ve heard that many ALTs are just perverts who like being around teenage girls in cute uniforms.  Are you one of those types?

KWP:  Unbelievable!  Would you ask a doctor or a pilot a similar question?  

Tiffany Rummage:  Do you go onto the roof at lunchtime in the hope that you’ll be able to see two teenagers making out?

KWP:  Oh, for God’s sake!  I am a professional, and I’m here to answer questions about career development and living in Japan.  Some of these questions seem to have been written by fourteen year old boys taking a break from beating off.  

Audrey Hepburn and the perfectly packed suitcase.

Dominique Raynott:  What kind of experience is necessary to become a good language teacher?

KWP:  To me, experience is a small suitcase like the one that Audrey Hepburn carried with her in “Paris when it sizzles”.  What’s in that little suitcase?  Everything.  Your childhood is in there.  Your family is in there.  Students don’t want to find out about those things, but they want to soak up your wisdom and techniques that have come from the contents of that little suitcase.  To come back to your question, all kinds of life experience is necessary to become the best teacher you can be.  Go to South Sudan and live in a refugee camp for a few months.  Live in a Kibbutz and fall in love with a man who’s older than your dad.  Hitch-hike from one end of Mexico to the other, and then hitch-hike back again.  Don’t forget to pack these experiences into that little suitcase of yours.

And that’s where we’ll end this Q&A session.  Thanks to all of you for your well-considered questions.

The best ALT in Japan – Take a bow

Enthusiasm abounds; Teachers have found that students arrive at school earlier on days when they are scheduled to take Wilson-Piper’s class.

It’s hardly a secret.  For years now Kilbey Wilson-Piper has been widely regarded as the best Assistant Language Teacher in Japan.   Traditionally a much-maligned and often ridiculed occupation, the role of an ALT is largely decided by the local teacher with whom they’re assigned to teach. “Some assistants are shoved to the side and used sparingly as a human voice recorder,” said the finely groomed 47 year old from New Hampshire, who now resides in Kobe.  “I’ve found that my role is the polar opposite of that.  The Japanese teachers just hand over the classes to me.  I can teach better than them, and they all know it.  So, they’ve come to realise that any contribution they’d make would be surplus to requirements.  They sit at the back of the classroom.  They don’t want to, but it’s a union rule; no gaijin can take the job away from a Japanese teacher.  Therefore, they aren’t allowed to lounge in the teachers room.  In this case the rule is a joke, but it’s one to which we must adhere.

“Usually the Japanese teachers will just sit at the back and mark essays or tests.  One female teacher texts her boyfriend.  I think she’s happy with him but, deep down, I know that she’d prefer to be mine.  I made a pre-emptive strike with that one though.  From the start I let her know that I’m married and living in a house in Ashiya.  I didn’t have to tell her about my house, of course.  But, I thought that it was important that she knew that I was successful, and not like those other teacher’s assistant losers who live paycheck to paycheck, forced to supplement their income by either working at Eikaiwa in the evenings or conducting weddings on weekends.  I decided, however, not to reveal that my wife contributes far more to our finances than me.

May we present, the best ALT in Japan. The earrings are removed prior to teaching, but the rest stays the same allowing for students to get the authentic, unadulterated Wilson-Piper experience.

“Teaching is in my blood,” explained Wilson-Piper, perhaps wishing to further distance himself from the other teachers who do the job simply because they have no other marketable skills.  “My grandfather taught English on an island in the South Pacific after World War II.  Apparently he loved it there, and only left after some not-so-dark-skinned babies started to appear.  He was forced to run to a ship as it headed out to sea, kind of like in a Hollywood movie.  He was quite proud of the chorus of clearly pronounced threats in English that were shouted from the docks that day.  For him, it was proof that his teaching methods were effective.  

“My father was also a language teacher.  He spent years teaching English in a Paraguayan prison after recklessly endangering the lives of bystanders during a high-speed police chase in the backstreets of Asuncion.  It was all a great misunderstanding involving a faulty tail-light, after police had observed him smoking in a no-smoking zone.  I don’t like to talk about it, to be honest.  The pain of growing up with an absent father still runs deep, and I don’t think I can ever forgive the US Consulate staff for abandoning my father to the court system of an undeveloped country.”

Responding to the continual rave reviews, executives at Wilson-Pipers dispatch company recently agreed to grant him a pay rise, taking his wage to $25 per hour.

Midara Kosei, one of Wilson-Piper’s Japanese colleagues (but not the aforementioned woman who texts her boyfriend from the back of the classroom) is full of praise for the immaculately presented American.  “I wasn’t sure what the pecking order was for the ALTs when I started at the school.  But then Kilbey took me aside and criticised all of the other assistants one-by-one behind their backs.  I’m so grateful for him putting the record straight before I had a chance to get to know any of them.  Some westerners are mega-ego heads, and Kilbey was there to tell me exactly who to look out for.  He even went further by backstabbing some of the Japanese teachers, which was helpful, although a little disconcerting. It was actually rather brazen, considering that he’s employed by a dispatch agency.”

“Kilbey has shown that he’s down with Japan, and I love that about him,” said English Department Head Teacher Haimen Kijoi.  “While other dorky assistants just go home and watch streaming services and argue on reddit,  Kilbey actively goes out and gets involved in traditional, but easily-learnt, Japanese stuff like tea ceremony and calligraphy.  Not much is expected of westerners in these areas so it’s basically impossible for a westerner to fail.  There’s such a low participation rate in these things these days that a teacher will pass anyone who bothers to turn up and hand over some cash.  Having said that, I respect Kilbey for pursuing these activities, particularly when you consider that his Japanese language ability is embarrassingly poor.  I think he knows how to say the days of the week, but not much beyond that.”

They’re happy because Wilson-Piper is their teacher.

But it’s not just wanky Japanese things that float Wilson-Piper’s boat.  He still likes to get amongst it at his local skate bowl to pull off a gnarly ollie or two, while on weekdays he can be found chilling in the teachers room playing super hero games on his phone while ignoring students’ requests to have essays checked.  “Japan has what I like to call a time-strict culture, so I’m just doing my best to fit in,” said the perfectly-coiffured veteran.  “I’m often told that I’m the best teacher in Japan, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t have some quality me-time when I so desire.  Do I feel self-conscious that my hobbies are kind of teenager-focused?  Not at all.  And I resent that question, to be honest.”

That me-time doesn’t just stop at the cellphone games at lunchtime though, it extends to his hair maintenance regime and even to his extra-marital affair with a Scandinavian woman residing in an stylish waterfront apartment.  Jana, a 27 year old reasonably attractive Swede with a real job, has been dating Wilson-Piper for four months now.  “First of all, I’d just like to say that Kilbey’s wife is probably banging a wealthy manager at her company, so don’t go judging me,” snapped Jana.  “They are also childless and will probably stay that way too.  I appreciate how much time Kilbey takes choosing his outfits and fixing his hair and beard every day, but I could never take a 47 year old assistant seriously as either a lover or a peer.  I think he’s a bit slow, but he is good at his job.  He should be, as he’s been doing the same thing year in and out for ten years here.”

The man who provided the inspiration; Max Wilson-Piper, the grandfather of Kilbey, and the father of total English learning in the South Pacific.

And that’s where the real Kilbey Wilson-Piper comes to the fore.  Unlike the other ALTs who have a variety of backgrounds and jobs, Wilson-Piper is employed solely as an ALT.  Therefore, he’s available for more hours that anyone else, and deserves respect for dedicating his life to being an assistant, even when he’s assisting people who are 25 years younger.  The students appreciate his hipster fashion sense and attention to detail in coordinating his clothes. 

But, the meat of the matter is that Wilson-Piper famously takes the quality of his lessons very seriously. Japanese teachers have shared stories such as the time when Wilson-Piper berated a teacher who make him look bad in front of the kids by not giving him adequate material to cover, and the time when he wrote to the Board of Education in a bid to get a Japanese teacher fired due to a lack of positive feelings toward her.  He may have spent far too much time at a job with a notoriously high-turnover rate, but he’s prepared to care more about the stuff that doesn’t matter than others care about the stuff that does.  And that’s what really counts.

TV Series Debut: Hot & Bothard

The big boys are banking on Jaden Smith to bring in the big ratings, streams, and downloads.

Hot on the heels of Tokyo Vice comes a new crime series featuring two deputised cops working in Japan’s capital.  Starring Jaden Smith and Rupert Grint,  Hot & Bothard will be hitting screens across the world from September, and signs are there already that it’s only a matter of time before a second series is commissioned.

Damon “Hot” Somers (Smith) and Brett Bothard (Grint) are two foreigners who get dragged into a Police Box one day after walking across a crosswalk against a red light.  Instead of getting three weeks in remand without being able to notify loved ones, the pair quickly win over the policemen with their witty responses during questioning.  This leads to the pair being recruited by the police to handle petty crimes committed by other foreigners which the local cops don’t really want to deal with.

Rupert’s had to grint and bear being #3 for ages, but his time to shine has come at last.

The second episode, for example, sees the pair overseeing an initiative to stop the occurrence of go-pro arm initiated verbal stoushes on the sidewalks in the vicinity of tourist attractions.  The local cops make it clear that they’re sick of dealing with foreign tourists acting all high and mighty with each other, so Somers and Bothard are called on to take action.  With absolutely no training, the pair come up with unorthodox ways to solve the problem, earning them a pat on the back from the sergeant, who takes them out to a downmarket izakaya to congratulate them.  

The running gag in the series is that the sergeant is originally from Nagoya, and is stereotypically stingy, always conveniently forgetting to take his wallet to the izakaya at the end of each and every episode.    This is just one of the hilarious tropes wheeled out to keep the vibe of the show fresh and light-hearted, something that serves as a relief to the grittiness of the storylines.  Episode 5, for instance, features a young Canadian who has been ghosted by his sexy girlfriend.  Unable to face the reality that he’s probably just been dumped for a rich local guy, the Canadian visits the Police Box every day to demand that the police take action to solve the “kidnapping case”.

These wimpy and annoying little vehicles are bound to be featured at some stage, hopefully in a negative light.

Other episodes are expected to feature typical tourist-related stuff like Mari Cart triggered road rage incidents, oversized suitcases on the trains during morning rush hour, and one guy experiencing difficulty ordering a meal at Burger King.  From the trailer that I saw, he appears to stubbornly refuse to call a “Whopper Combo” a “Whopper Set”, thus setting off a seemingly innocuous international incident at the Ochanomizu outlet.  It quickly turns into a Dog Day Afternoon situation though, with Somers and Bothard called in to calm things down.

Eager to dispel rumours that this is just a cheap series which has been produced to surf the wave created by Naked Director and Tokyo Vice, studio number-cruncher Ira Steinmann stressed that couldn’t be further from the truth.  “This idea was floated years ago, but it was going to be set in Barcelona or Venice.  After the tourist outrage stories coming out of Tokyo and Kyoto, however, we decided to switch the location.  So, if anything, we’re cynically exploiting the tourist outrage stories in the news.”

Kitagawa Keiko will be kept busy in the lab analysing all kinds of body fluids from the streets of Roppongi.

During a promotional visit to Tokyo last week, I was granted a brief interview with the two stars in their hotel overlooking Hibiya Park.  Rather than an interview however, I was treated to a hilarious back and forth between the effervescent duo.  Smith kicked it all off by stating, “Grint has received the lowest amount of sexual advances out of all the young movie stars in cinematic history.”  To which Grint quickly retorted, “At least my character was 100% me.  Ask anyone who played the role of the Karate Kid and nobody, and I mean nobody, will say your name.”  

The non-stop banter,  a clear indication of how the two had become buddies beyond the screen, extends into nicknames that they’ve given each other.  Grint is usually referred to as “Freckly Balls” while Smith finds himself being called “Soaf” (Son of Angry Fist).  At one stage of our interview Grint took out his cell phone and pretended to get acting tips from Ralph Macchio.  Not missing a beat, Smith took out his cell phone and pretended to chat romantically, and have phone sex, with Emma Watson.  It was this good-natured ribbing which has me convinced that these guys have the right chemistry, and could even become the new Punch & John, or Crockett & Tubbs.

Asakusa takes centre stage in the series, which will probably lead to even more tourist pressure on the besieged sightseeing spot.

Predictably, online gatekeepers have made disparaging remarks about a series that they haven’t even seen, with people already getting their schadenfreude simmering on the stove.  “I wonder which one will butcher the Japanese language more,” wondered one poster.  “Jaden Smith won’t stop until he gaijin smashes as many aspects of Japanese culture as possible,” joked another.  There were some brave posts of support for the actors, but these were overwhelmed by a truckload of contempt.

Stateside reviewers have so far gushed over the chemistry between Smith and Grint, which has built tremendous interest in the new franchise.  “The only drawback that I can see here is Grint inspiring hundreds of redheads around the world to head to Japan” said Steinmann.  “I’m not sure if we’re ready for loads of mixed race kids with that particular background.”  It seems a trivial, and certainly far-fetched, concern.  What can’t be denied, however, is that this series has the potential to create a buzz on both sides of the Atlantic, leading to more tourists heading to Japan and the possibility of even more annoying tourist-related storylines being created.    

Okinawan base welcomes new air-conditioning mechanic from South Korea

American base residents in Okinawa have woken up this morning to the news that legendary refrigerator and air-conditioner mechanic San Hyon Kim will be arriving soon at the bequest of Rear Admiral Tom O’Loughlin. 

Kim has previously worked in maintenance and repair at bases overseen by O’Loughlin, where he earned the respect and admiration of the rugged senior officer.  “Mr Kim first impressed me with his diligence and reliability in Korea, but it wasn’t until I moved to Guam that I really came to depend on him.  Unlike his countrymen trying to manufacture stuff there to pass it off as Made In America, or the women trying to have a baby on American soil, Mr Kim was there with a sincere mission; keeping my nuts dry.”

O’Loughlin, a career officer from the city of Columbus in Ohio, explained at great lengths how sweaty and itchy testicles can be a hindrance while having to grapple with the problems imposed by vast distances, inhospitable terrain, unfavourable climate, and potentially dangerous enemies.  “Until Mr Kim arrived in Guam I was directing the movements of thousands of men around the Micronesian Archipelago.  all while sweat ran down my front and back, eventually pooling in my standard-issue underpants. The Navy air-con mechanics seemed completely indifferent to just how critical the situation was.

“You’ve seen Top Gun with Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer posing in their tightie whities?  That’s what I wear.  I imagine that I don’t look as sexy as those guys do in their jocks though.  Those guys were really buffed in that movie.  Yeah… So many chicks in the cinema got wet watching that stuff, although it was aimed at homosexuals too, apparently.  I guess it was a sex-charged movie for everyone.  Millions of throttle pushing teenagers must have converted their bedsheets into mini hard decks every night back in 1986. That’s how powerful that silhouette scene was.

“Navy pilots have always enjoyed getting the action stateside, whereas regular guys like me consider themselves fortunate to get the exotic women in the tropics,“ continued O’Loughlin.  “It’s not a myth, either.  If you’ve seen “Mutiny On The Bounty”, it’s something like that. Contrary to what you may have heard from Vietnam Veterans however, the women do care about personal hygiene.  That’s why this sweaty ball situation was such a concern.  There was a need for me to keep it all nice and tidy downstairs.  I was going through truckloads of talc and vaseline, but in the tropical conditions my nether regions still looked like they had been on a coast-to-coast Motley Crue tour.

“I don’t want to hear anyone referring to him as “that Korean guy” or even  “the air-con guru”.  Thanks to Mr Kim, I’m able to sit here in comfort, with testicles and an ass crack dry and free from sweat rash.  This is all thanks to Mr Kim.  I expect everyone here to show him some God damn respect by calling him “Mr Kim” or “Sir”.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to oversee a patrol roster with sweaty balls?  We’ve got competing interests playing cat and mouse every day.  We are dealing with a delicate back and forth situation where every inch is critical.  Hang on… Now I don’t know if I’m still referring to the state of my balls or these military games that we’re playing.”

O’Loughlin has stressed that his new assistant should be held in the highest regard by everyone at all times.  “He may be a civilian, and he may not have a green card yet, but my balls are in his hands.  He knows all the techniques to ensure that they remain in a healthy state.  If I hear one story about someone disrespecting Mr Kim, I’ll make sure that the person involved is sent to live amongst those knuckle-dragging inbreeders in Saipan, or even to Wake Island to go slowly insane from the extreme isolation.”

Pick-Up Artist Jake Hamilton answers your questions

Our early June article (“White women in Japan ‘just need to lower their standards’ ”) has been met with great interest and has resulted in our inbox being inundated with responses from around the world.  While many responses are not fit to be printed here, we have asked Jake Hamilton to address the questions which we consider to be rational and worthwhile asking.  Fortunately, Hamilton readily agreed to provide written responses to those questions, so it’s over to you guys…

Natalie Hill:  It sounds like you really crashed and burned.  What does humiliation taste like?

JH:  Well, it’s true that I didn’t get to ravish that chick in my apartment, but I managed to get a couple of pics of her from a distance.  So, when I went back to my pad I was still able to pleasure myself while looking at her face.  Having a reality wank is not a sex crime.  It’s not even a victimless crime.  So, the whole experience wasn’t a complete loss.  It was more like I was losing 4-0, but then still managed to get a late consolation goal before being warmly applauded off the ground by opposition fans.

Sean Rivers:  Why don’t you leave the white women and go for Brazilians and Peruvians?  That’s where the action is.

JH:  Brazilians and Peruvians?  I agree that they are dynamite in the sack.  However, they’re also dynamite outside the bedroom.  Apparently, they’ll go nuts if they don’t get sex in the morning.  They’ll trash your apartment, if they don’t get the attention that they demand.  I find that terrifying.  I mean, a women might be sexy as hell on a Friday night, but they can look rough as guts when they wake up the next day.  What happens if I’m not sexually attracted to the woman when I wake up?  She’ll be smashing up my tv screen and pouring vegetable oil over my sofa.

Lee Marsh:  You live in Japan yet you chase white women!?  You sound like someone going to a Texas steakhouse and ordering a vegetarian meal.  What’s up with that? 

JH:  Variety is the spice of life.  While I heartily believe that olive-skinned babes make the world go around, on the odd occasion I still crave the sexual partnership of someone from my demographic background.  For some gaijin guys, white women are their kryptonite, serving as a reminder of the girls back in high school that didn’t want to know them.  I’m not like those losers though.  I like to give white women something that they miss, but then I want to be the one holding all the cards in the relationship.  They want me to attend to their whims and moods?  That’s not going to happen in Japan.  I’m going be moving them on before they get the opportunity to sulk on my couch.  

Sebastian Fields:  Have you ever managed to pick up on a rainy Tuesday night in Nagoya?

JH:  I’ve never been to Nagoya.  Why would I?  

Kate Mountain:  What’s wrong with being a marine?

JH:  I should have expected this kind of question.  I guess nothing is actually wrong with being a marine.  I applaud them for the role that they play in protecting our rights, and they’re free to defend my assets and investments with all their might and technology.

Daphne Sandilands:  How on earth can you handle going without sex?  You come across as being highly sexually charged to the point of being addicted.

JH:  You might say that, but there are times when my sex-drive frightens me and I force myself to put things on ice.  That’s not easy for me to do, particularly when I can enter a train carriage and quickly scope that there are half a dozen women who would like me to approach them.

Patricia Lake:  What’s wrong with being a male kindergarten teacher?

JH:  Their job itself is very, very unmanly.  Having said that, they have incredible access to meeting MILFs, so in one way I do envy them.  They don’t have to do much legwork in order to hook up.  What they do need to do is take care which women they chase.  It’s so easy for them to slip up and go after a woman who is in a healthy relationship with a man she loves, and that kind of woman can get all moralistic and get a guy fired, when she should really be grateful for the attention.

Ritchie Cliff:  As a man, I felt disgusted to read about how you assumed that a woman would fall for you just because you had a plush apartment.  You had such a presumptuous attitude that I’m glad you dipped out.

JH:  This is actually a Q&A session.  Rather than making a statement, you’re supposed to ask a question.  Let me tell you though, I’ll get far more trim with my no-bullshit attitude than you’ll ever get with your self-righteous approach.  Standing shoulder-to-shoulder with women at the barricade isn’t going to get you laid. Face it – women want a pimp, not a simp.

Hayley Spring:  It sounds like you’re a man who’s confident in his sexual constitution.  Can you give us a glimpse into what drives you in that regard?

JH:  Sure.  I’m not a fetishist or anything like that.  I prefer women with a good set of jugs and a tappable ass.  If anything, I’m a bottom patter.  I enjoy caressing and fondling asses.  Just give me a broad in a tight skirt, with perhaps a hint of a visible panty line, and I’m happy.  I’ll do girls over a dining table with their clothes on, or in bed with their clothes off.  I’m versatile, and I act on my sexual instincts. I know what women want before they do, and they like that.

Shannon Cave:  What would you say to the woman who turned you down if you were to come face-to-face with her again?

JH:  Well, by now I’d assume that she’s changed her mind.  Therefore, I think I’d tell her that I understand and forgive her initial reluctance (to have full sex with a stranger), but that I’d still be open to giving her the opportunity to come back to my apartment. 

And that’s where we’ll end this particular Q&A session.  Many thanks to all of you who have contributed decent questions.  To those of you who sent abuse and outrage, try to be a little more cheery and think more about others who are just trying to go about their lives in this lonely world.    

Odds shorten for tourist car smash in Tokyo

A tragic accident in Tokyo featuring tourists and novelty sized racing cars is expected sooner rather than later.  That was the message this week from a bunch of bookies who have been keeping an eye on stuff like that for the past ten years.

The odds of a bloody go-cart disaster, an indication of the likelihood of a global headline grabbing traffic pile-up, have been updated to 6-1 for this calendar year – the shortest they’ve ever been. It was the first time the odds had been updated since Japan re-opened to foreign tourism.  First advertised in 2013 by power-boat race bookies looking to open up an unexplored market, the odds are usually updated according to movements in foreign tourism trends.  As well as assessing risks from inexperience in driving on Tokyo roads, the bookies incorporate factors such as weather, annoyed taxi drivers, and the wearing of non-descript character costumes.

The latest betting data was adjusted “largely but not exclusively due to the consolidation of the Euro’s gain against the Yen,” said veteran bookie Honebuto Shunsuke in a statement.  A number of other issues have played a role in moving the odds south, including the popularity of all things Japanese amongst backpackers, and growing signs of impatience from men driving trucks with Chiba number plates.

“We are living in a time of buoyant tourism, with people seeking their own personal oriental fantasyland, and the odds reflect that reality,” Honebuto, who has been chief odds-maker at the Great Kanto Track Betting Agency for 14 years, said yesterday.  “Let me make it clear that I am not licking my lips in anticipation of a horrific accident.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We are not selling a chance to experience schadenfreude here.  All we’re doing is presenting the likelihood of an accident involving some vehicles which, quite frankly, shouldn’t be on the road.” 

Honebuto continued by highlighting other key elements that are in play.  “These dodgem cars are being driven by groups of Italians, Koreans, and miscellaneous South Americans with a disturbingly high interest in certain Japanese sub-cultures.  Some of them are women, some of them are into Formula 1 racing, and none of them have any experience on central Tokyo roads.  In addition to that, they are probably not giving due attention to the traffic 100% of the time.  The male drivers, in particular, ogle the local women as though they are all anime darlings.

“Look, this is a city where people are forced to work their tits off.  Half of these guys just get a twenty minute break to scoff down some noodles before going back to their soul-destroying jobs.  They’re generally a bunch of loners who don’t really appreciate being treated like museum exhibits by people from overseas.  It’s only a matter of time before one of them snaps, and these little cars waiting at traffic lights are easy targets.  We want to see Japan hitting the headlines for good things like cleaning stadiums or getting another world heritage listing.  Things like politicians being killed or tourists being stomped while waiting for the lights to change just make people uncomfortable.”

Tsuba Haku, spokesperson for the Japanese Culture Preservation Society, asked how such a scene would look if the situation were reversed.  “How would Americans react to seeing Japanese tourists driving around in vehicles out of The Wacky Races?  And how would the English feel if young Japanese people starting riding around London on tandem bicycles, like they did in The Goodies?  Obviously this would never happen because The Goodies was never actually shown in Japan, but I’m sure you get the point.”

Always happy to weigh into any conversation that has a whiff of anti-American sentiment, Haku (a proud user of the hair tonic that’s available in the changing rooms of traditional bathhouses) went on to pour scorn on westerners’ chopstick skills, pronunciation of Japanese words, “unsophisticated tastebuds”, and even their style of walking, before commenting very rudely on the calibre of Japanese people who have intimate relations with them.


Anti-gambling spokesperson, Saoko Shikan, has described the betting as abhorrent and anti-foreigner.  “They deny it, but I think that they have indeed set up a betting market based entirely on ill-will with this. Enthusiastic, yet poorly dressed westerners and Asians are coming here and living it large.  Japan hasn’t been this cheap and appealing since the 1960’s.  Many locals would love to see some of these fun-loving tourists falling flat on their faces, and some are even prepared to profit from it.  Now, how transparent are these gambling laws?  What’s going to stop someone putting a small fortune down, and then causing an accident?  This is what troubles me.

“These visitors from overseas have seen a few movies and they just want to play out some of the scenarios that they’ve seen.  They want to go to karaoke at midnight.  They want to run through a pachinko hall.  They want to speak a couple of words of Japanese, and make a connection with someone who’s largely indifferent to what they want.  But, what’s wrong with that?  Who are these people hurting?  Let them enjoy our unique four seasons and superior service standards.  Let’s just be nice and compliment them on their Japanese skills, and then bag them out on twitter later.”


White women in Japan “just need to lower their standards”

Fingers brush and hearts skip. Could this lead to even more adventure in Tokyo?

“She turned me down without comprehending the situation, her situation.  She needs to know that I can get laid on a rainy Tuesday night in Nagoya, and that would be with a person that I found sexually desirable.  Could she say the same thing?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the answer would be no.”

Vermont-born stud Jake Hamilton pulled no punches as he described the socio-dynamic circumstances into which he wandered in impossibly cool Ebisu last Saturday night.  Jake was shot down in flames after repeatedly inviting an “ok looking chick” who has “probably watched too much Friends and Sex & The City” back to his plush pad near Roppongi Ichome Station.

The relatively palatial pad that could have been the setting for unbridled sex sessions.

“Does she seriously think that she can do better than me in Tokyo?” pondered Jake as he began punching down on people whose parents weren’t blessed with the means to pay their way through college.  “Is she prepared to go with a canon-fodder ranked marine or, even worse, a kindergarten teacher!?  By inviting her back to my well-furnished, spacious apartment in Minato-ku, I was doing her a service.  Do you get what I’m saying?  There was a power balance there that she wasn’t recognising.  I really hope she was happy sleeping alone on the futon rolled out on her tatami in a building which creaks unnervingly when a truck rolls by.”

Some young women like to LARP as though they do nothing but hang out with fair-weather friends in New York coffee shops.

It was at this point that Jake turned philosophical.  “A big thing in getting laid, in all dating for that matter, is the human element – and that is unpredictability.  It is said that beautiful women go with beautiful men, and average women go with average men.  That’s supposed to be nature’s natural selection, so to speak.  But, it’s not always the case.  Just ask people like Mel Brooks, Billy Joel, and the vast horde of ordinary looking white guys in Japan who date attractive Japanese women.”

Jake says that this incident was simply an example of a handsome guy with an impressive success rate encountering a woman with extremely ambitious expectations for a sex partner.  “Her way of thinking, wishful though it may be regarded now, is probably in its last days of being rational.  In a year or two such a description would probably be generous.  And by that I mean that she’s going to be considered… y’know… I’d prefer not to say it, but she’ll probably be walking the same path as Norma Desmond, Madonna, and Princess Diana if she were still alive.  We’ll never know for sure about Princess Diana, of course, but she’d probably be embarrassing herself in some way just like the others.”

Some women simply prefer to have a girls-night-out as though they have rich dads and live in stylish LA mansions in 1997.

Although unreligious, Jake set about delivering a mea culpa of rather deep proportions.  “It is difficult to maintain a 90% success rate when targeting one particular demographic which is known to be discerning.  You can see that there are many aspects of nanpa to consider.  I need a more considered approach, concentration over longer periods, a realisation that near-enough is not good enough, more attention to detail, eradication of mistakes, and perseverance even if mistakes are made, and the knowledge that approaches based on assumptions can never be successful approaches.”

After days of painstaking research, I managed to track down the woman who rebuffed Jake thanks to his sharp memory and the incredibly accurate description (“late 20’s, kinda cute in a political science way with European rather than American proportions, but definitely not hot or anything”) that he provided.  So, after inquiring as to why she had declined Jake’s invitation to accompany him back to his plush apartment, she explained succinctly that he had come across as “a bit of a dick”.

Canadian’s sturdy buttocks intimidate local men

Quelle belle paire de belles fesses!

In a country where simply asking a short, simple question in English can scare the daylights out of people, a new target of fear has emerged; one man’s ultra-sexy derrière.  Dennis Bradmore is an unassuming 34 year old from Toronto whose parents moved there from Trinidad when he was just a little baby.  They moved there to give their children a bright, rosy future full of opportunity, but then Dennis broke their hearts by moving to Japan to teach English.

“I had to walk up and down a lot of steep slopes during my commute to elementary school,” explains Bradmore.  “I’ve never gone out of my way to enhance my bottom, like some kind of Los Angeles gym bunny who then dons lycra to stroll through the local shopping area showing the whole world his package.  I was blessed with the right DNA though, and my buttocks must have been helped by the cricket bowling practice that my my father forced on me.  Too bad I disappointed him by losing all interest in the sport when I was fourteen.”

Spellbound, yet full of fear! One man just can’t take his eyes of Bradmore’s hot ass

Bradmore arrived in Japan with his Japanese wife Shinobu four years ago and immediately did his best to blend in with the locals.  With such dreamy buns, however, it was always going to be a tough task.  “I made my local stand-up bar debut where I mingled with the local dropkicks.  They seemed to avoid me though, as if I had AIDS or something.  I couldn’t work it out.  I guess I ended up assuming that racism was a factor.”

Bradmore’s assumption turned out to be extremely wide of the mark.  Sure, his drinking companions were a pretty narrow-minded bunch, but it was more a problem of the shape of his ass rather than the color of it.  Bradmore hadn’t experienced such a reaction over physical appearance since he introduced his girlfriend to his parents.  On that occasion his father expressed sadness over his girlfriend’s small breasts, but Bradmore’s ass has brought out a completely different set of emotions amongst those surrounding him. 

Privacy loving Bradmore wouldn’t allow face pics to be taken, but gave us carte blanche to photograph his bum.

“I only really found out about the fear factor when I commenced a physical relationship with the Mama-san from the bar.  She couldn’t keep her hands off my ass, and she eventually told me of the power that it held, and the power that she was trying to possess.  To be honest, I didn’t know what to say in response to that.”

One local old guy took time out from cycling up and down the main street with no apparent reason to discuss  Bradmore.  “He’s a pretty ordinary looking guy,” said Masataka Wakasagi.  “If I ever happened to have a female in my life, I wouldn’t be too worried about him stealing her away from me.  But, when you see his backside you can see that it must be very alluring to so many young ladies who want to get to grips with it.  My ass is flat.  I want to wear trousers like Gene Kelly, but I can’t fill them.  This Canadian’s buttocks only remind me of my rear shortcomings.”

Ohtani – Most Valuable Posterior

Shishunki Obeka, another regular patron of the downmarket, no-frills bar offered another similar perspective.  “We Japanese cannot help but feel inferior to a man with such masculine buns.  We have padded bras in abundance in this country.  Why can’t we have padded underpants to give us more confidence?  Over the past fifty years Japanese height, breasts, and muscles have all been growing at an impressive rate.  Isn’t it time for our buttocks to take shape?

“Some Japanese guys do have dreamy buttocks.  We’re talking about those famous baseballers like Ichiro, Matsui and Ohtani.  They’re out there representing us on the big stage, and they’re doing their bit to build the self-esteem of their Japanese brothers back home.  Too many of us are at home playing games and playing with ourselves.  We should have the courage to strut and swagger like the white guys and the black guys in North America.  That comes from the confidence of having a super ass, and that’s what we are lacking.”

Bradmore’s fruity buns are unavoidable at the tachinomi stand-up bar

Ushigome University Psychology Faculty Senior Lecturer, Professor Misugi Nogizaka, asserted that it wasn’t unusual to see such a reaction to beautifully constructed body parts.  “I’ve spent hours monitoring the behaviour of peacocks, who display loads of antagonism toward others with more dynamic plumage,” he explained between sips of green tea and occasional nibbles of manju.  “It gets really nasty.  In a similar vein, I’ve even noticed this among kangaroos who sport perhaps the most visible set of testicles out of all animals.  They’ll distance themselves from the one with the biggest, heaviest set of plums.  So, it’s not just seen in Japanese men with tiny asses.”

For Bradmore, an unwitting source of both admiration and anger, an uneasy balance in his life continues.  “It’s like walking along a tightrope when I go into the bar these days,” he says with a touch of exasperation.  “Have I become more conscious of my bum?  Yes.  Am I prouder of it?  Kind of.  Do I exercise in order to enhance or maintain its sexiness?  No.  Do I spend more time asking myself questions about it?  Yes.  But, I’d like to remind people that there’s more to me than just a shapely backside.  I am a person with plenty of anecdotes to tell, and jokes to share.  I’m a pleasure to be around, and my wife lets me lead my life the way that I desire. I would urge people to approach me for engaging conversation; all people, including men.  Although, deep down, I’d prefer to spend time with open-minded women aged between 25 and 35, even 40 if I’m going through a drought.”

100th onigiri wrapper successfully shoved into Kanagawa hedge

Censorship Alert! Our Japanese minder steered us away from the hedge in question, insisting that we only photograph the picturesque immaculate ones.

“We Japanese love nature, and we also love nature when it’s been tweaked,” says Hirotaka Suzu as he points to the trash impregnated hedge in his local park. “Of course, one man’s tweaking can be another man’s total and complete conquering.”

It’s customary for Suzu’s wife to kick him out of the house immediately after breakfast and tell him not to come home until sunset.  On rainy days he hangs out of the local library or the waiting room on the local station platform. On the odd occasion, he can also be found occupying one of those “rest corners” of the supermarket for a few hours at a time. A fine day, however, will see him voluntarily patrolling local parks on his rusty bicycle.

A confident first tear is important to show that you are assertive and down with the unique ways of Japan.

“This hedge will be my legacy when I go. What’s wrong with curating it in my own inimitable style?” ponders Suzu. “Occasionally I’ll kill two birds with one stone and urinate into the hedge while I shove a wrapper in.  We charming old folk like to do that sometimes.  Japanese workers have a reputation for working long unproductive hours, but when the situation demands we can use time really effectively.”

Although rainy days bring a cleansing rinse and respite for the hedge while the old man takes refuge from the elements, one disgusted local resident has attempted to help the hedge even further by excessively spraying it with kitchen disinfectant.  “I use this stuff all the time,” she explained.  “I have complete faith in it ridding this poor hedge of vile bacteria from all these old wrappers as I use it throughout my house twice a day, every single day of the year.”

Note that #5 is missing, where it shows how to shove the wrapper into a hedge.

Muneyoshi Kasabura, a botanist working to highlight the scourge of plastic wrappers in nature, announced that the hedge was now more plastic than natural.  “One hundred onigiri wrappers may not sound like much to a casual observer, but you have to consider that a hedge is not a solid block.  There was a lot of space between the branches and leaves to begin with.  Therefore, it doesn’t take that much to turn it into a vassal for something artificial, kind of like how a Christmas Tree can easily look overwhelmed by globes, tinsel, and stars.

“A hedge is not always a tight bundle of branches and leaves like we might imagine,” explained Kasabura as he recorded each and every wrapper sighting using the old-fashioned pen and clipboard combination.  “Some hedges have seen better days, but they are now sparse, full of botanic inertia, and lacking in woody content, much like an old man’s underpants.”

The price of a well-kept hedge is eternal vigilance.

Suzu explains that he is not an inconsiderate old man, but rather a retiree in search of a purpose. “I’m not responsible enough to monitor the garbage collection point, and unlike many fossils I’m not a fan of the Keirin cycle racing.  After an unsavoury and unhygienic incident that I caused, I’m also banned from the local stand-up bar, so becoming the neighbourhood lurker was the only practical option left open to me. 

“My wife’s terse attitude only strengthened my resolve to carry out this duty (of disposing plastic wrappers into hedges) properly, because I have to be out of the house all day.  What can I say? I do my bit to play an active role in the community. I creepily stare at schoolgirls, befoul nature, and spit loogies on the sidewalk.  As you can see, I’m performing to a point where I’m possibly exceeding expectations.”