American base residents in Okinawa have woken up this morning to the news that legendary refrigerator and air-conditioner mechanic San Hyon Kim will be arriving soon at the bequest of Rear Admiral Tom O’Loughlin.
Kim has previously worked in maintenance and repair at bases overseen by O’Loughlin, where he earned the respect and admiration of the rugged senior officer. “Mr Kim first impressed me with his diligence and reliability in Korea, but it wasn’t until I moved to Guam that I really came to depend on him. Unlike his countrymen trying to manufacture stuff there to pass it off as Made In America, or the women trying to have a baby on American soil, Mr Kim was there with a sincere mission; keeping my nuts dry.”
O’Loughlin, a career officer from the city of Columbus in Ohio, explained at great lengths how sweaty and itchy testicles can be a hindrance while having to grapple with the problems imposed by vast distances, inhospitable terrain, unfavourable climate, and potentially dangerous enemies. “Until Mr Kim arrived in Guam I was directing the movements of thousands of men around the Micronesian Archipelago. all while sweat ran down my front and back, eventually pooling in my standard-issue underpants. The Navy air-con mechanics seemed completely indifferent to just how critical the situation was.
“You’ve seen Top Gun with Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer posing in their tightie whities? That’s what I wear. I imagine that I don’t look as sexy as those guys do in their jocks though. Those guys were really buffed in that movie. Yeah… So many chicks in the cinema got wet watching that stuff, although it was aimed at homosexuals too, apparently. I guess it was a sex-charged movie for everyone. Millions of throttle pushing teenagers must have converted their bedsheets into mini hard decks every night back in 1986. That’s how powerful that silhouette scene was.
“Navy pilots have always enjoyed getting the action stateside, whereas regular guys like me consider themselves fortunate to get the exotic women in the tropics,“ continued O’Loughlin. “It’s not a myth, either. If you’ve seen “Mutiny On The Bounty”, it’s something like that. Contrary to what you may have heard from Vietnam Veterans however, the women do care about personal hygiene. That’s why this sweaty ball situation was such a concern. There was a need for me to keep it all nice and tidy downstairs. I was going through truckloads of talc and vaseline, but in the tropical conditions my nether regions still looked like they had been on a coast-to-coast Motley Crue tour.
“I don’t want to hear anyone referring to him as “that Korean guy” or even “the air-con guru”. Thanks to Mr Kim, I’m able to sit here in comfort, with testicles and an ass crack dry and free from sweat rash. This is all thanks to Mr Kim. I expect everyone here to show him some God damn respect by calling him “Mr Kim” or “Sir”. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to oversee a patrol roster with sweaty balls? We’ve got competing interests playing cat and mouse every day. We are dealing with a delicate back and forth situation where every inch is critical. Hang on… Now I don’t know if I’m still referring to the state of my balls or these military games that we’re playing.”
O’Loughlin has stressed that his new assistant should be held in the highest regard by everyone at all times. “He may be a civilian, and he may not have a green card yet, but my balls are in his hands. He knows all the techniques to ensure that they remain in a healthy state. If I hear one story about someone disrespecting Mr Kim, I’ll make sure that the person involved is sent to live amongst those knuckle-dragging inbreeders in Saipan, or even to Wake Island to go slowly insane from the extreme isolation.”