Grossly overweight, over-smiling celebrities everywhere have been forced to rethink their lives following the announcement of a C-grade Japanese TV personality’s sichtvereitelung, or “obstructed vision”.
After much speculation, it became clear on Friday that Hidehiko Ishizuka is now unable to see beyond the build up of lipid that now covers his eyes. It seems that years of being forced to over-smile for television audiences have finally taken their toll, with the fat from his forehead and fat from his cheeks firmly merging over his eye sockets.
TV critic Inkei Asekusai insinuated his lack of surprise at seeing Ishizuka suffering an obscure condition, “He has bills like everyone else, hence he had to do whatever the producers impetrated him to do. For the past 20 years he’s been forced to invade his face with unique regional cuisines and effuse that weird and creepy smile. Indeed, he is famous for his egregious ramen based diet, and his consumption of fried pork served with miso paste has been described as ‘prodigious’.
“Ishizuka is facing a long road back to regaining unobstructed vision. Apparently it’s too risky to perform surgery. He’s already been to Seoul but the surgeons there were worried that their operating tables, purpose built for rake-thin actresses, would be crushed under his weight. Therefore his only hope is to lose weight in order to ease pressure on his eye sockets. Can he do this? It’s hard to imagine, to be honest.”
Despite the alarmingly high possibility of many people suffering the same fate as Ishizuka, there are no plans for a general health warning to be issued for what Medecins Sans Frontieres prefers to call vision bloquée. “With regular obese people it’s not really a problem,” explained Dr Miyasui Mansuji, “Roly poly celebrities are expected to be happy and smiling with loads of infectious laughter. Regular fatties, on the other hand, are free to be smelly, sweating, bitter and miserable, putting everyone else out every time they demand special accommodations for their oversized butts.”