The Japan Wanko

Fully Qualified western teacher incredulous over growing demand for Filipina Zoom Teachers

2022年4月5日 | Author: T. Tamm

“Nobody can explain the practical benefits of using past perfect tense better than me,” asserted Jarrod Dallas last week when we sat down at a nasty little pizza bar in Yoyogi last week. “My real life examples can really inspire a student.”

Dallas, who heads the Shinjuku English Academy, was refreshingly plain in the way he showed distain for the new trend of Japanese businessmen shunning traditional classroom Eikawa lessons with overwhelmingly dorky western guys for online lessons with teachers based in The Philippines.

“Why on earth would someone prefer a full-lipped, sultry-eyed stunner over an experienced teacher with superior linguistic, grammar, and translation skills?” asked Dallas. “I’m all about pedagogy. Academia is more of a lifestyle than a vocation for me.

**This is a highly-qualified language teacher**.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and make the assumption that none of these temptresses have worked in an office in a city like London, Chicago, or… Edmonton, which happens to be where I’m from. I’ve worked in an office there, albeit just a local government office, and even then just on a part-time basis.

“I love the way they’ll talk about how great The Philippines is as a place to live. The truth of the matter is that 90% of the women in The Philippines are prepared to use whatever skills or assets they have in order to get the hell out of there to live in a better place. As for the other 10%, they either belong to the ruling elite or they have some strong family obligation like an illegitimate baby keeping them there.

**This is a face that you’d like to see at the end of a busy day.**

“These hot looking women may smile on a zoom call, but deep down they have consumed too much first world media to allow themselves to be content in their current situations. I say this from the heart. Y’know, I’m on their side. If I could send planeloads of unmarried, overweight, bald white men there to rescue them, I would.”

Industry recruiter Chinkasu Hokei talked frankly about the problems faced by many business English instructors. “While I acknowledge the professional attitude shown by many of the white male instructors, the enduring image of a majority of Filipinas being attractive counts against them when it comes to power-harassed workers being forced to learn a language to save their jobs. Sure, expectations of a hot, sexy female teacher are seldom met, but it’s the possibility of the study ’n’ stroke method that keeps the whole business model viable.”

The so-called “study ’n’ stroke” method has gained popularity among men who are either too busy, or too stingy, to have face-to-face lessons and then go on to a massage parlour on the way home. So popular is the new method of study and self-pleasure, that the Ministry for Education, Trade & Industry has released a report into the knock-on effects.

Perhaps the most visible of these effects is the high number of vacancies popping up throughout the city. Grotty looking buildings located near train stations are facing a tough time looking for new tenants as the traditional tenants, massage businesses and language schools, shut up shop – perhaps never to come back.

“What we are seeing is erotic massage experts and language instructors being forced to return home while the new breed of instructors, who don’t even live in Japan, are picking up their work,” explained Hokei. “Sooner or later the authorities are going to have to step in to right the market, otherwise the owners of all those decrepit looking buildings are going to be forced to spend money to attract tenants who care about things like exposed wiring, clean carpet, and having a sporting chance of surviving indoor fires.”

Foreign-tourist lockout: J-vlogger shortage hits regional Japan

2022年3月1日 | Author: Ben Torbocks

**This young interviewee takes comfort in the fact that she can answer the intrusive questions while her identity is largely protected by her mask.**

Two years into the tourist lockout, experts warn that the problem of a lack of vloggers getting out into the deepest parts of Japan continues. At the same time, there is also a related development with a shortage of “What do Japanese women actually think of western men?” content being created.

There were warnings from experts such as Regional Japan Tourism chief executive Takeshi Kuroda, that fewer western geeks getting out and about would be an issue in the long-term. “People ask me why it’s so important to have these guys roaming the country asking young women what they think of western men. Well, this all has a knock-on effect.

**Kuroda reasserts his position on weaboos at a recent press conference.**

“Horny losers see the videos and travel throughout the country, essentially to try and get laid. And, even if they don’t come, it’s still good for brand awareness,” Kuroda said at a swanky Iidabashi whisky bar. “We can see that in things like sake sales, game downloads, and porn clicks which all get a bounce out of these amateur videos. We also see the phenomenon where “What do Japanese women think of western men?” videos breed more “What do Japanese women think of western men?” videos.

“In 2010 barely any of the YouTube content from Japan was sexually related. By 2019, that number had grown incredibly,” explained Kuroda. “It’s as though horny geeks encourage more horny geeks to come here. It’s something that we’ve all been too embarrassed to admit, but our economy thrives on these sex-starved dweebs.”

**Just remember – it can’t be called sexual harassment if you’re carrying a microphone.**

Barely functioning rural towns have long been well-aware of their growing reliance on westerners buying shit that they don’t need from their independent stores run by extremely elderly people. “Traders from Kappabashi have come here, taken a look around, and left without ordering any of our ceramics or fabrics. Some even laugh at the quality,” said one tofu seller in Toyama. “These geeks will come here with their smartphones and make videos promoting our stuff, and then hang around the train station asking girls if they’d ever considered having sex with a white man. It all helps, I guess.”

In Tokyo, a total of four “What do Japanese women think of …” videos were produced in 2021. The last time the number was that low was more than fifteen years ago, prior to the introduction of smartphones and when YouTube was in its infancy. Similarly, Kyoto plummeted through the psychological barrier of three such videos produced for the same year. Unimaginable in recent years when film school graduates unable to find jobs in the real world have been drawn to the city in the hope of chancing upon a hapless Maiko on her day off.

**Cute women with friendly faces get targeted the most. A resting bitchface often makes the foreign men reluctant to go in for an interview.**

Kuroda said he was pleased with the progress some areas had made to date, with young Japanese creating geeky content in Okinawa and Hokkaido, but the gains being made were a long way from filling the gap left by absent weaboos. Some prefectures have even been approaching foreign residents on Tokyo streets and asking them to visit their towns to conduct the enthusiastic street interviews. This initiative was born following the realisation that most of the content creators were virgins coming into the country on tourist visas. Given the jaded nature of language teachers and code monkeys, however, the project seems more than a little optimistic.

For his home prefecture of Aomori, Kuroda said it had been a “very tough two years”. He said, “We’ve had to rethink our strategy completely. We’re still pivoting and trying to lure excitable white filmmakers to the area. These guys are like unicorns now, though. We’re starting to target young mixed-race Japanese guys who have no sense of shame. It’s really taking a lot of energy, time, and resources to get it right, but what other choice do we have.”

**These women know that looking businesslike is the best way to avoid the intrusive questioning from foreigners on the street.**

Meanwhile, Shikoku Tourism Board Manager Hitori Samishi denied that they had been affected by the absence of western men asking local women if they’d ever consider riding a stud from overseas. “Those kind of foreigners never came here in the first place. Nobody gives a flying poo about visiting our fine island.

“We would dearly love to have dorky white guys asking our young ladies on camera what they think of western men, and let me tell you that we have some of Japan’s most wonderful women here in Shikoku. Our food and our landscape may be a little unspectacular, but that is not the case with our women. Frankly, as a father, it’s heartbreaking to see our girls able to walk around town freely, whenever they want, without being bothered by the dweebs of the western world. They deserve more than that.”

Australian’s vast repertoire of toilet humor fails to impress cute patron at The Hub

2022年2月1日 | Author: Wilhelm Stefans

**Humiliation complete: Fake tears were the only kind spared for the young Aussie as he left The Hub.**

Buggery jokes, fart jokes, and simulations of native people of northern regions of Canada urinating were met with indifference last night at The Hub in Ikebukuro near Seibu Department Store. For 32 year old friendless Australian Graham Neale, who had been told that if he couldn’t get laid at The Hub in Japan, then there was no hope for him, it was a nasty blow.

“I’ve really been practicing my Japanese writing lately, so that I could write down rude English words in katakana on napkins,” said a downcast Neale. “But, there was a lukewarm reaction to that. I think I was going over ploughed ground, to be honest.”

**Warning: PTSD may occur in western men who’ve crashed and burned here.**

While Neale’s suspicions carry some credence (almost all Japanese female regulars at The Hub have heard every Japanese/English crossover pun a dozen times) he rued his decision not bring out any surfing stories or kangaroo boxing stories. “I should have gone with the Aussie ocker angle more to appeal to the women for whom North Americans have become passé.”

It wasn’t all bad news for the sex-starved Western Australian, however. Revered Tokyo pick-up artist Taiban Yuchaku casually observed Neale throughout the evening and reached out to offer words of encouragement via social media. “He held various girls’ interest at different stages of the night, which suggests that they don’t find him completely repulsive.

**Wouldn’t it be nice: Turned away for being underage, unaware of the disappointment that awaits her in the future.**

“What he needs to do is show his hands more though. This can separate him from Japanese guys who will sit like Easter Island statues during a blind date. I’d recommend using toothpicks to do a problem solving game. Hands can brush against each other during the game, which leads to intimacy every time I do it. Introducing such a game suggests that a man is intelligent and, as the stereotype goes, an intelligent man is often cashed up.”

Yuchaku also urged Neale to stay true to his roots. “He wants the girls to be constantly aware that he’s Australian? Well then, he ought to do what so many Australian guys do; teach the rules of Australian Football and go on and on about how Australian footballers are tougher than American footballers because they don’t wear padding. Reminding the girls that he’s played the game himself works too, even though he probably quit when he was 16 because he was too scared to mix it up on the field.

**Australian No-Rules Football: A great panty-moistening topic used by the randy lads from Down Under.**

“Does the Aussie football tactic work? I don’t know, but it must because I’ve seen so many Aussie guys try it. Another tactic he should be using is guessing each other’s ages. Sure, it’s the most unoriginal conversation for most, but for a Japanese girl who has never read a newspaper and would fail the simplest of geography tests, it can be a winner. Some of the girls would even see such a game as a challenge.”

Buoyed by Yuchaku’s positive critique, Neale has dusted himself off and is now set to head out to The Hub establishments on the west side of Ikebukuro station. He’s got a chest full of confidence and plans to back himself against the resident Turkish customer base to score. “I just need to tune into the local philosophy and make some existential adjustments to my approach. I’m going to rant about Japanese girls not being able to French kiss properly, and hope that there’ll be one girl who takes the bait.”

Money: Japanese insecurities to look out for in 2022

2022年1月12日 | Author: Gerald Wilkins

**Move over casinos, horse racing, pachinko. Betting on news items has arrived.**

So, you want to make some money without doing any work at all? New betting markets are opening up all the time these days, and the latest market to have opened is news and current affairs, where punters can now bet on the likelihood of featured topics. Japan, in particular, is full of anxieties which have a strong impact on the country’s gambling growth potential in 2022. So, do yourself a favour and learn about the key insecurities you should consider before betting in Japan.

Once the envy of the world when names like Sony, Sharp, and Panasonic were first-choice brands, Japan is still keen to reassure itself that it’s still at the forefront of technology. Therefore, any announcement of a local being nominated for a Nobel Prize is bound to be met with blanket media coverage.

While a World Heritage seal of approval receives a ripple of applause in most countries, many Japanese people will get rock hard over a place being officially internationally recognised. Seasoned gamblers know that this is a reliable winner, especially when history boffins and architecture geeks start jetting in to town.

K-pop is all the rage with youngsters around the world, so whether it be a Japanese musician having success in a New York club, or a European ballet company featuring a woman from Osaka, it’ll get a good airing. The key point is that sophistication beats financial success when nobody on your side is selling millions. Clever gamblers have even been known to check member lists of philharmonic orchestras for Japanese names.

The perennial go-to for keen Japan observers is a foreigner on television talking about how clean and safe it is in Japan. Viewers breathe a collective sigh of relief when they are reassured that their country is better than every other country in the world. This one has been known to pop up on a weekly basis, so those after they fast money need to take note.

Tourists in Japan annoy everyone. They disrupt the wa, and they generally cause enormous trouble no matter what they are doing. Japanese tourists, on the other hand, are always welcome and make valuable contributions to the local economy. Look out for a New Caledonian business owner saying how much he misses visitors from Japan.

Please note that while this advice comes from experts, betting is an individual’s responsibility. Please remember to gamble responsibly, and set a limit of the equivalent of three months mortgage repayments for each session.

Old guy going on about how great J-toilets are hasn’t taken a dump in one this century

2022年1月1日 | Author: G. Jincarde

“I’m so excited by JAV” – White Woman breaks down the walls, but only partly

2021年12月1日 | Author: G. Jincarde

**Two women meet to decide who**’**ll get first crack at the Euro-babe.**

Part II of Guy Jincarde’s look into the porn industry in Japan.

“It began with a perverted boyfriend and a stack of DVDs,” Labiana Moisenic, 31, replied when asked how she became interested in pornography of a lesbian nature. “He was hopelessly addicted to pleasuring himself, even when I was in bed with him. Luckily, I saw an opportunity, dumped him, and entered a world of pleasure that I had never imagined possible.” Four years later, Hungarian-born Moisenic finds herself a fixture on the lezporn scene, where she often performs in the role of either a language teacher, a visiting tourist, a hotel employee, or even a visiting researcher at university.

Moisenic explained that, while things are indeed looking rosy, more needed to be done to build awareness of Japanese lesbian pornography. “There’s a little too much of people looking and saying, ‘Aww… Japanese lesbians are so cute.’ We need to convince more people that these actresses deserve just as much respect as their North American and Latin American sisters. You’ll notice that I haven’t mentioned German lesbians. Well, there’s a good reason for that.”

**An uneasy air of formality about to come to a sudden end.**

Reluctant to comment further on German lesbians, Moisenic preferred to touch on the frustration of being undermined during her work in the genre in Japan. “I don’t think my name appears in enough lesbian porn related articles here in Japan. It’s always the same old story for gaijin; you do the work but your efforts either go ignored or a local claims the credit, sometimes both things occur. Vietnamese strawberry pickers got a movie which shone a light on their plight. Well, where’s my documentary? Don’t I matter?

**White gentlemen react to seeing two Japanese women scissoring for the first time.**

“Guy, you’ve been a tremendous supporter,” said Moisenic (addressing yours truly). “Few have done more for lesbian porn in Japan and we’re really grateful for your continual support. However, you still need to present all sides when you write your articles. There are genuine discrimination issues in the porn industry, but nobody wants to seriously pursue them. I find myself sidelined quite often when challenging roles come up. I’m given excuses as to why I’m not considered for the roles, but it’s clear that there are roles that are set aside for Japanese and gaijin needn’t apply.”

Best-selling JAV actress Kiki Sokoneta concurred with Moisenic, but only to a point. “Stuff such as B&D and chikan drama is closed to foreigners. It’s strictly Japanese only, for reasons that have never been fully explained to me. What confuses the hell out of me, however, is why someone like Moisenic would want to do that kind of work. Try being 27 years old and wearing a school uniform and being groped and squeezed. I’ve been tied up with ropes and had jelly shot up my butt, but that was when I was desperate to pay the rent. I’d never enthusiastically do that. It’s bottom-of-the-barrel pay for bottom-of-the-barrel work.”

**Who knows where this simple photoshoot will lead.**

Fortunately for Sokoneta, her success with getting down and dirty with other women on screen has enabled her to steer clear of the more deranged forms of pornography in recent years. Her next movie will finally see her getting the long yearned for face off with Moisenic who’ll be in her usual role as an English language tutor. “She’s going to be teaching me grammar,” she gushes, before cheerfully adding, “But only for a few minutes.”

JAV Actresses don’t sit around feeling sorry for themselves – They just get better!

2021年11月1日 | Author: G. Jincarde

**Nureta steps out for a day of appointment**s

Almost two years have passed since former JAV star Asoko Nureta’s outburst which left the Japanese lesbian and bisexual stars reeling. Well-covered in this journal and other fine publications, her broadly-targeted criticism forced the JAV industry to take a good, hard look at itself for the first time in years, and the results of this forced self-reflection have been amazing.

2021 has seen some incredibly popular releases which saw studios making bank for the first time in ages. And while the lesbian genre still has a way to go before it can topple the perennial leader Bondage & Discipline genre from its top perch, it’s fair to say that recent releases have got tongues wagging to the point where lips are being licked around the world in anticipation of new woman-on-woman action from Japan.

Heading the movement of dynamic AV actresses is 26 year old Kyuri Nakaha, who is enjoying a good run of hits including “Sisters-in-law-in-love”, “Scissor Me Softly”, and “Double-Headed Deathrattle”. She cut a bold figure as she sat down in her traditional gown to talk about the new boom in Made in Japan output.

“We were never bad, or underperforming in the way that was reported,” said Nakaha. “The improvement is there. That’s clear for all to see. As I see it, however, the biggest improvement has been in Nureta’s attitude toward the younger AV actresses who didn’t deserve the barrage of criticism that came their way last year. It was totally unfair, and it had more to do with Nureta’s failings in her attempt at cracking the big time in America five years ago.

**Two hearts beat as one, the way nature intended.**

“I wish one of you journalists would report on what happened to her. I was so disappointed when I read your article full of her criticism of the younger actresses. It’s up to you to do some research and present the facts to your readers. They need to know the context in which the comments are made, but in this case you failed to do your homework. It’s frustrating because we all knew the full picture behind the spray that she gave us. I mean, it’s not your fault per se, but it’s a problem that journalism as a profession is facing.

“She tried to get into the mainstream in San Fernando Valley, but she couldn’t handle the vigorous butch types who were called in to ravish her when she was making “The rewards of a long haul flight to LA”. It was like a regular for the Orix Buffaloes trying to make it in the Major League. The endeavour was there but she was clearly out of her depth. Her pride was wounded and the bitterness was there for all to see. She got thrown around a bit and it’s taken her a while to come to terms with what happened.”

**The bars can confine the women, but they can’t confine women’s passions and perversions.**

The ill-fated career move has had a happy ending for Nureta. With a newly found talent for English, she now manages her own business which attends to the special needs of high-end solo travellers to Japan. This market includes people so cashed-up as to make travelling possible despite the recent upheavals to the travel industry. One keen observer remarked that she has “craftily cornered an area of a very specific market.”

Taking time out from her demanding schedule, Nureta was keen to set the record straight. “I never ever wanted anybody to get fired or businesses to collapse. I just wanted people to have pride in the industry again,” she said while reapplying her lipstick. “Context is important, Guy. You’ve got the credentials, the experience, and the reputation, so that means that people have expectations when they read you. It’s your job to live up to those expectations. You raised the bar, and now you have the responsibility not to drop it.

**Light refreshments are not always enough to satiate some.**

“When I said those things, many people’s financial situations were dire. Today we’ve got a lot of regular, emotionally stable, American and European guys paying money on sites to watch good quality Japanese product. Two years ago it was just the gross western guys with weird Asian fetishes who were paying for our stuff, so I think we can walk with our heads held high now. Some of our actresses can even tell their families what they really do without the fear of being turfed out of the house or cut out altogether.”

Happy actresses and happy families are the positive results of high quality (albeit occasionally disturbing) performances being captured for millions to see around the world, and that can only be good news for all involved in the industry in Japan.

Kibo module voted Most Popular Section of ISS

2021年10月1日 | Author: Momo Kaminari

**Cluttered, like a typical Japanese house.**

Japan’s space agency JAXA has announced that the organization is about to receive official acknowledgement for having the best section of the International Space Station.

Although the exact nature of the award remains vague, JAXA bigwigs, television presenters, and random bigots interviewed outside Shinbashi Station all looked pretty excited about the news. “It’s always a pleasure when Japan receives due international recognition,” said one lush who added, “Although I generally don’t value anything from overseas.”

**Prepared with more care than the other food available in space.**

Speculation as to the reasons for the award are centering around the Kibo having some kind of unique feature within the space station. “My guess is that the food in the Kibo is healthier than the other food, which is probably oily and fattening,” suggested 29 year old hanko designer Yubi Hajikeru.

Other thinkers, entrepreneurs, and futurists were also focusing on superior cultural values. 19 year old student Yonaka Haishutsu offered, “Perhaps the award is simply down to the fact that everyone has to take their shoes off when they enter the Kibo section. I guess that it must be the cleanest part of the space station.”

Mina Kirai, a 37 year old Kagoshima hotel employee taking advantage of a lull in tourist trade by visiting Tokyo, said that the award should be a source of pride for all Japanese. “I’d say that the reason why we Japanese are receiving this award is due to the leadership shown by the Kibo residents. They have morning meetings where everyone sits around and agrees to do exactly what they do every day. It keeps everyone aware of what their roles are.”

Kirai was also keen to make a pre-emptive strike on expected malicious rumors on social media. “The award definitely isn’t due to them having a stack of dirty manga and uniform sex DVD’s stashed in a secret, but actually well-known place.”

New Yorker finds a hill to die on: The Japanese version of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

2021年9月1日 | Author: M. Hardwick

“Everyone has their limits. Everyone has a line, and people need to tell others when it’s been crossed,” says Joey Rinaldi. Having grown up in Forest Hills NYC, the 45 year old developed a keen interest in visual media after having to dodge around crews making gritty cop dramas along his daily commute. This keen interest, along with an encyclopedic knowledge of television, occasionally sees the opinionated Rinaldi clashing with others.

“There were four non-Japanese colleagues of mine in the lunchroom at work, bagging Japanese television,” recalls the strongly-accented man (think “Taking of Pelham 123”). “It was the usual innocuous banter. They were making fun of the way B-grade celebrities exclaim that the food that they are eating is incredibly delicious. They were commenting at how their Japanese friends watch comedy programs stone-faced, while cute models wet themselves laughing at something happening in the studio.”

It was at this point that things went a little too far for Rinaldi’s liking. “They then began laughing about Queer Eye: We’re in Japan, which is actually the best series of the franchise ever. So, I let them all know that a quality program needs to be acknowledged no matter what the content may be. Let me make it clear that I’m not what I’d describe as a major fan. I didn’t volunteer to defend the program. This is a role that was forced on me.”

So, what is it that makes QEFTSG better in Japan?

“Well, the people that they focused on were pretty ordinary, but they producers steered clear of cliché such as zany science geeks, zany manga artists, and perverted businessmen. So, the people they featured were all deadbeats leading mundane, depressing lives, but the were still far better to observe than some disgusting Alabama redneck. The camera went into some Japanese homes too which were pretty cool to check out. With most Japanese homes, you see one and you’ve seen them all. However, it allowed overseas audiences to see that all-too-common clutter that you rarely see in Japanese films. Hording should be acknowledged as an illness, and Japan has more than its fair share of manifest cases.

“I’d add that this season managed to steer clear of harmful racial stereotypes, promote cultural understanding, and give a voice to a minority community that is sometimes sidelined. It could have been a giant train wreck where they gaijin-smashed their way through overly sensitive, reticent locals who didn’t really know what they’d signed up to, but it was smoother than the Yamanote Line on a Sunday without strong winds or earthquakes. They mispronounced every Japanese word they said though. I mean, it doesn’t take much to learn how to pronounce ‘sake’ correctly, does it.”

Warming to his non-voluntary role of defending the Japanese version of the show, Rinaldi let loose a carefully worded broadside at his ignorant colleagues. “I find it very hard to believe that anyone with an educated appreciation of television as a visual art form could honestly cast aspersions on such a successful project. As a viewer, I was nearly overwhelmed by the never-ending shots of tatami mats, old-style windows, and assorted Buddhist knick-knacks.

“It’s not just Queer Eye: We’re in Japan,” said Rinaldi. “Look at the wonderful (Japanese) adaption of Sideways. Now, deep and well thought-through conversations in movies are fine. I hope producers all over the world can learn this from watching the original version. The original Sideways did an amazing job of delving into the awkwardness, frustration, and despair of being 40 years old and unsuccessful. I applaud the producers for putting that on the big screen. Having said that though, there’s something special about taking all those varying levels of emotion and boiling them down to a man chasing a woman, who he barely knows, down the street while repeatedly asking her why she doesn’t want to move back to Japan.”

Portugal and Japan in talks concerning “ownership” of popular deep-fried dish

2021年8月3日 | Author: Suzie Ardon

The kebab. It’s the pride of Turkey, and it’s the pride of Greece. The origins are vague, and this has allowed both countries to claim to be its cultural custodians. And, while the countries haven’t gone to war over the kebab, the issue is far from being solved.

Now, if we substitute the word tempura for kebab, and Japan and Portugal for Turkey and Greece, we find ourselves in similarly culturally sensitive territory. But, it’s here where similarities end, because Portuguese and Japanese diplomats will be sitting down this week to create an historic Agreement on the Degree of Cultural Importance of Tempura in Portugal and Japan. Rumors that a delegation of Melbourne fish & chip shop owners were eager to participate in the talks have so far been denied by all parties.

The tone of the talks will largely depend on the opening remarks given by both sides but, while everyone seems eager to engage in a spirit of cooperation, friction doesn’t seem far away. “They should know that we are above corruption,” said one Portuguese delegate. “Seriously. Don’t smirk. We can’t be bought off with a couple of evenings of booze and rub ‘n’ tugs, which is apparently how they got custodianship of Genghis Khan BBQ from the Mongolians.

“One of our Japanese counterparts said that Japanese people take extra care when they eat tempura. When I pressed for a concrete example of that, he told me that it was because they ate with chopsticks. That was what it came down to; eating with chopsticks. Come on! Would that hold up in a court of law?”

“These people in the far east are cheeky as hell,” said another delegate wearing garish epaulettes. “The Philippines tries to claim adobo as their own dish. All they’ve done is add soy sauce. Wow! Big change! And this is when every former Spanish colony has tweaked it one way or other. You can’t claim a dish as your own just by adding a different sauce. In this case with tempura, it should be acknowledged that Portugal is the birthplace.

“You can’t change that! Japanese people are trying to support their claim by saying that it’s been 500 years (since the dish was introduced). What does that mean!? In 2300 will the USA be able to claim spaghetti as their own? Will the Australians be able call their sparkling wine Champagne again? The answer to these questions, my friend, is no. As you can see, this is an issue that’s going to have repercussions for everyone in the future.”

The shots across the bow aren’t coming from one direction either, with a Japanese participant asserting that the dish is now Japanese. “The Portuguese have suggested that we should change the name to something else, but I think our pronunciation has allowed the word to take on a sophisticated air,” said an middle-aged man with obviously dyed black hair.

Another old guy with a permanent creepy smirk explained that, “When we talk about tempura, we say the word with the feel of a farmer’s beautiful daughter slowly walking through a field of wheat as her dress brushes softly against the stalks. Oh, and did I mention that we are very proud of our tempura? That fact alone should count for everything.”