Hotel owner Ketsu Kitsui is facing higher costs and, after a great deal of analysis, he’s finally found something that he can put his finger on; Australian backsides. The issues of rising costs of food, energy and wages are presenting great challenges to hotels and pensions throughout Japan. Reports suggest guest numbers grew in 2022 and again in 2023/24 winter, however such growth is being spanked by soaring inflation and general business expenses.
Kitsui, who owns a hotel in the ski fields of Toyama, explained the reason behind his major problem. “Australia is a land of three minute showers. That means that when they come here, they get a bit cheeky with the free water. In particular, they’ll sit on the toilet watching cricket on their laptops while they have water spraying their rectums. And, as you know, cricket games go on forever.
“These Australian guests love getting their bumholes jet-washed. Word of mouth has spread faster than a mooning teenager’s bumcheeks, and now we’re fixed with ever-increasing water and electricity bills. We’re happy that the Aussies are behaving in a hygienic way. For too long they’ve been pushed into the great unwashed category with the English. It’s good to see them escaping from that stereotype, and they’ve helped us to zero in on an untapped area of the market.”
Katai Unchi, another hotel owner, agreed wholeheartedly with his business rival, “We’re concerned about all these cracks. Cracks have been appearing in our business model. We are used to being in the black, but it’s looking grim now, like we’re staring into a nasty looking crevasse.” Unchi, who wears an eye-patch following a near fatal collision on the slopes five years ago, knows that tough times are here. As I looked deeply into his dark brown eye, I was able to understand just how tight things had become.
“Grapes are being affected too,” he continued. “We like to have a complimentary bunch placed on bedside stools in the rooms as a welcoming gift, but we may be forced to stop this practice. Inflation has led to higher prices across the board. The cost of our entire cafe selection, things like date fingers, chocolate starfish, and fruity buns have been pumped up recently.
“Once we had piles of cash in the office, piles just sitting around, somethings being blown around when the backdoor was left open. Not anymore though. We really have copped a lot of punishment lately. Our power bills had bottomed out thanks to LED lighting, but they’ve slowly reared up due to this Aussie trend for clean clackers.”
In addition to the economic uncertainty, communication problems still arise due to pronunciation errors. “The vocab and grammar can be picked up with just a little commitment, but pronunciation can be tough. The Japanese r’s can be a handful to deal with,” said Di Ariah, owner of a Hakuba snowboarding school. Her number two, Con Stipatis, explained that some words require a delicate roll of the tongue, “so the little Japanese r’s can take time to come to grips with.”
The balancing act continues; how to conserve energy while avoiding crap reviews by ensuring guests enjoy themselves without compromising quality. But it’s clear to see that the healthy market for clean bumholes hasn’t been fully penetrated yet.
