Confessionanism!? Nagoya Teachers’ Conspiracy exposed

It has come to light that half a dozen bored English teachers have been telling students for years about a completely fake milestone that is “celebrated” in western countries.  The practice of teaching the made-up custom, called a “Confessionanism”, has been going on for years, and it was only through an investigation carried out by a humourless, by-the-book middle manager that the conspiracy was exposed.

According to a leaked paper, the teachers have taught hundreds of business students about the fictional custom after coming up with the idea during a long drinking session at a well-known British chain pub.  43 year old Sandy Coughlan, who bravely followed up on vague student comments related to the “custom”, said that it was a disgusting idea conceived by a bunch of immature men who should know better. She expressed concern over the damage that the practice has caused, as well as shedding light on the bizarre story.  

“The Confessionansism is supposed to be a custom where people who, upon turning 60 years of age, announce the names of ten people who they’ve thought about while pleasuring themselves,” explained a terse-faced Coughlan.  “They told students that it was largely, but not only, men who observed the custom.  They also said that the confessions were made at 60th birthday parties attended by family and friends, with each name being met with enthusiastic oohs and aahs from the revellers.  They peddled the idea that people generally applauded loudly after all ten names had been read out.  It was said that the advantage of revealing the lists at the age of 60 was that it would still be possible for the news to reach people like former Sunday School teachers, friends’ mothers, and local news readers while they were still alive.”  

Coughlan went on to reveal that some students had actually adopted the custom and announced their own lists of wank fantasies at their own 60th birthday parties.  “One impressionable man revealed stuff that was beyond humiliating.  He talked about dedicating loads to his sister and one of his aunties.  He went as far as to include the scenarios and the clothes that they were wearing.  If I recall correctly, he always thought about his sister in a skirt and knee-high boots, and his auntie in her yoga pants.  God only knows what went through their minds when they heard all of this come out at his Confessionanism.   And, yes, I do feel just a little dirty having to use this word.  I’m only saying it because I have to.”

One of the conspiracists, who would only talk on the condition that he be allowed to use the pseudonym “Raj” (although readers should take care not assume his background on the basis of that pseudonym), stated that it was all a bit of harmless fun which developed beyond their control.  “I think we should look at this as a guide to how much our students’ comprehension skills improved during their courses,” said the 37 year old JAV enthusiast.  “It should also serve as a guide as to how to get students engaged in their language studies.   Just look at our results; we’ve seen half a dozen marriages ruined due to these Confessionanisms.  How about that guy who gave a shout out to all his art teachers from elementary school, junior high school, high school, high school, and college!  The entire time he was only doing art in order to satisfy his fetish!  What a madlad!

“We covered our bases by agreeing on the origins of the custom too.  When the question was asked, we told students that the custom harkened back to Victorian England, when promiscuity wasn’t so prevalent.  There were women spinsters who died as virgins which was really sad.  Anyway, we told everyone that to cheer the lonely librarians and nurses up, men would confess to having beaten their bishops while thinking about them in their younger days.  We told everyone that that’s how the custom started. We also told everyone not to go looking on the Internet as it was so deep and spiritual that nobody wrote about it.

“As for the limit of ten names, we explained to students that some Confessionanisms had included up to forty or fifty names. In some cases, we explained, almost every woman in the village was being named. Nasty! Therefore, it became expedient and much less creepy to introduce a limit. That’s what we told hundreds of our students, and lots of them ate it up. It was all in good fun, and not that much harm was done. The people who got divorced probably would have got divorced for some other reason at some point.”

None of this impressed the indefatigable Coughlan, however. “It is clear that this perverted little game has had far-reaching repercussions, and I feel that it is my duty to make sure that the teachers responsible are duly punished.  I would not lose any sleep if they are disproportionately punished, to be honest.  Their behaviour has been appalling, and it could even harm the integrity of the English language teaching industry in Japan.”  Keen to make her own position clear on the matter, Coughlan made a pre-emptive strike on malicious gossip that could possibly greet the outrageous news.  “May I just add that, before any nasty rumours spread, I’m not getting all high and mighty and ranting about all of this just because none of these students have included me in their Top 10.”

Just the thought of a non-Japanese person asking her one simple question takes old lady out of her comfort zone

“I don’t drink coffee I take green tea, my dear.

Despite the vocab being able to be learnt by anyone with a pulse in one minute, and the context being easily understood by anyone who has ever lived in the civilised world at anytime since the Victorian era, 74 year old Masako Shiwahada refuses to get it.

I was doing work experience, for an article, in a rural tofu shop when I encountered Shiwahada. After personally trying to teach her the line, “Does this bus go to Tokyo?” along with the yes or no answer, I asked her bluntly in Japanese what her problem was.  “I can’t speak English.  It’s difficult,” said Masako, before asking, “Do you understand?  You’re not Japanese, so you can’t understand what I’m saying.  Oh…  Why…?  What should I do…?”

Totoro or a foreigner coming here, which would be scarier?

After reassuring the pathetic old woman that my self-assessed Level 3 Japanese skills were more than adequate to converse with her, I set about interviewing other greying locals to see if the whole town was similarly blinkered.  I chatted to six of them who all enthusiastically engaged in my impromptu English lesson.  It was during our chats that I politely enquired about Shiwahada’s problem.  

“Oh… That goose!?” giggled 83 year old Moe Mukashi.  “She’s the type who still finds oversized tennis raquets to be cutting edge humour.”  91 year old Takashi Mukai added, “Get this – she actually believes that World War II ended in a draw!  She lapped up all that stuff about Japan choosing to formally accept the terms of the Potsdam Declaration, as though there were other rational options available.”

A bus whisking the traveller away to the metropolis

Eager to give Shiwahada an opportunity to get her point across, we sat down with a person who I’d roped in as an interpreter, as Shiwahada still doubted that I could indeed understand her.  Dabbing her face constantly with a handkerchief she faced the interpreter and explained why five words of English were beyond her.  “To be honest, I’ve got no idea when to use ha, ga, de, or ni when I speak Japanese. I just throw them in randomly. So, what hope do I have with another language? 

“I just want to live in traditional Japan adding miso and mirin to everything that I cook. I can also do without any outsiders messing with my wa, yet I’m happy leading a comfortable life thanks to our generous trade deal with America that none of their allies ever got.  Oh… I would, however, still like the Vienna Boys Choir to come here every year, because I still have the right to get sexually aroused in the way I desire.”

Staff at notorious Roppongi bar show that they care too

Will it be a night to remember or a night you’ll never recall?

After putting up with years of criticism and spiteful rumors about drink spiking, Bar Kingdom manager Shehu Abacha has come out to put the record straight. He wants people to know the truth about his bar, which is on the nose so much that not even marines on leave from stinking armpit hellholes will go near it.  

“All this talk about how we prey on unsuspecting foreigners by slipping rohypnol into their drinks and skimming their cards just gets everybody in the industry down.  I mean, it’s all true, but lately we’ve bought some pillows to pop under their heads so that they’re comfortable when they lose consciousness, but the media won’t tell you about that.

Enticing

“We’ve got some reggae music playing sometimes, so unworldly people assume that I’m from the Caribbean.  Now, that’s really insulting to me.  Don’t mistake me for one of those cricket playing clowns with their posh English names,” says a clearly irked Abacha.  “I’m not royalty, but I come from a long line of regional strongmen.  Africa is in my soul.  It’s where I learnt morality, intimidation, and my sexual adventurousness, which in turn led to me getting out of town quick smart after being a little too sexually adventurous with a rival family’s daughter.  Nigeria’s loss is Japan’s gain though.  The white man gets the crazies here.  The black man gets the insatiable wild girls.  They’re too hot for the local guys to handle, so we perform a critical role in the community.”

Booze

The general MO of bars such as Bar Kingdom is to lure randy punters using women with large knockers.  Anybody who’s been in this industry for a while will tell you – big money follows big boobs.  Explains Abacha, “These women will chat to the lonely guy and recommend a cocktail that he’s never tried.  So, they’ll serve it up with a little disclaimer.  They’ll say something like, “Take it easy with this.  It’s got a little kick.”  That line makes the whole process legal.  By the end of the glass the customer will pass out and we’ll help ourselves to a not-insignificant amount from their account.  We serve them coffee when they wake up and tell them to drink more carefully in future.”

Roppongi can be a great night out for lovers of terrible music

As the customer wakes up in a state of bewilderment, he’ll be grateful for any assistance from anyone.  “Over the years I’ve found that they’ve always said thanks for the coffee, but these days they thank us for the pillow too.  They appreciate that we care.”

A bar with style, attitude, and dark lighting

Abacha usually knows who to target, but things can come unstuck on the odd occasion.  “Once we took a guy for over $1000 and he managed to put two and two together.  It turned out that he was a lefty lawyer from Chicago.  He wasn’t your average mug punter.  He was more clever than he had appeared.  It was an error on my part, and I look on it as a learning experience.  Anyway, he came back a couple of days later and told us how we were all evil and how we lacked all sense of humanity.  Well, I’d like to see his face now when I gently place a soft pillow under some poor schmuck’s head.  No compassion for my fellow man, huh!?  I think someone owes someone an apology.”

Australian Swims At Shonan Beach

The often criticised beach is still just as clean as the Cornwall coast after rain.

“I wasn’t sure exactly why I did that,” exclaims Katrina Parry on her mid-morning dip into the sea just to the south-west of Tokyo.  “I knew it wasn’t a patch on my hometown beach back in South Australia, but I’m glad I now have a definitive marker for the bottom end of my swimming experiences.”

Parry was speaking after spending twenty minutes in the water dodging plastic wrappers, cigarette stubs, and a variety of miscellaneous refuse.  The culture-shock continued back on the beach, however, where she found herself in the company of day-drinking smokers seemingly do their darndest to turn the beach into an inner-city slum.

It’s no surprise that most people prefer to stay on dry land at Shonan.

“I try to explore all parts of the places where I live, so I considered a swim here part of living in Tokyo,” she said while being ogled by an inebriated part-time construction worker, “I think twenty minutes of a definitely never to be repeated experience is quite enough though.”

Gently, but firmly, telling American military types to leave her alone as she hurriedly towels herself off, Parry observes that the beach is a hive of activity.  “It’s great that young people are free to come down here and relax in nature.  They need a chance to break away from the concrete jungle, although they do a good job of turning this beach into a jungle, one that has become overwhelmed by humankind complete with quite a few of the things that I hate about modern society.”

Even all that foam won’t be enough to clean that beach.

Parry readily admits that, as an Australian, she is a beach-snob with high standards.  She tries to be objective, reminding herself that it’s unfair to compare the beaches of Greater Tokyo with the beaches of Adelaide.  “At the end of the day, there’s a dead-set certainty that I’ll be grossed out by some filth brushing against my leg in the water here, while in Australia there’s a one-in-ten million chance that I’ll be eaten by a shark.  So, I need to be modest when making comparisons.”

Despite the general disappointment of her first big swim in Japan, Parry seems upbeat about the future of Shonan.  “I think that one day this beach could be on par with beaches of Australia.  All it would take would be a decade or two of a dozen new laws and city ordnance measures, a slight change in the attitudes of certain beachgoers, and… oh, who I am trying to kid!? We’ll be swimming on Mars before this place looks any good.”

Yakuza〜〜nnen! Brave new made-in-Japan but made-for-western TV series not to feature gangsters

Much of the buzz around the world amongst people who have nothing to talk about but the latest TV programs is likely to create false expectations.  The show, “Black Suits & White Wine”, promises to show Japan in an entirely new light, and that light may shine in a way that could confuse one or two fans who have been led to believe that everything about Japan is cool and amazing.

“This is a real game changer,” explained Executive Producer Bruno Scrota at the season launch at a downtown Los Angeles hotel.  “Thanks to this program, people are going to see Japan in a whole new light.”  

Not one to move away from a microphone hastily, Scrota went on to offer a tantalising glimpse into the show’s innovative angles.  Take, for example, news that not one of the main characters will be non-Japanese with a chip on their shoulder.  “Almost all the characters can trace their lineage back two hundred years, with neither Koreans or Chinese, nor butchers or hide tanners at all in the family trees.  The general understanding is that the characters’ ancestors are rice growers, warriors, and merchants.  Indeed, nobody’s family history is stained by so much as a great, great uncle handling dead animals.  The creators of the series have actually gone out of their way to make this clear.     

“There will be one foreigner, but that will be a white journalist who gets laughed out of gangster bar while trying to get down and dirty with a lawless crew.  He’s trying to write a book about the unknown side of Japanese gangs and the black economy.  However, his Japanese skills are so bad that they bully him into leaving.  He tries to suck up to the boss by bringing up a World War II anecdote, but then the boss asks him why he’s mentioning crap that happened so long ago that nobody gives a stuff about it.  It’s as refreshing as it is brutal.”

Scrota went on and on so much that I felt that a spoiler alert was called for, but I was too wrapped up in the revelations to care.  “The modern day set of friends, family, and aquaintances also features a beautiful young woman who moves to Tokyo, goes to a rough bar but leaves quickly, and soon gets a job at a nice office.  As a side story she then happens to have a healthy relationship with a banking loans officer who does absolutely everything by the book. Their soft and tame sex scenes are rumoured to take place at his apartment where neither uniforms,  ropes, or magic mirrors are used.”

No uniforms worn during sex doesn’t mean no uniforms at all, however.  In keeping with tradition, this drama will apparently include a character being whisked off to hospital, where there are competent hospital employees who have some basic idea of how to treat an accident victim without simply shouting their name in their face repeatedly.  And the reason for the emergency dash to hospital?  “I don’t want to give away too much, but somebody may happen to momentarily forget on which side of the road they should be riding their bicycle,” explained Scota. “Japan’s such an orderly society, so I thought it would be too unrealistic, but I was overruled by our Japanese creative team who insisted that we have that scenario.”

Excited at what I was hearing, I quickly signed a secrecy clause which allowed me to watch a five minute clip of the drama.  What I saw was indeed groundbreaking.  People were eating a variety of food, chewing it, swallowing it completely, and then speaking.  Sometimes the meals are even consumed with a knife and fork, with the regular globally popular sounds of Maroon 5, Taylor Swift, and Adele playing in the background.  Did I mention that everyone sits at a normal dinner table to eat?  There’s no tatami or low tables to be seen!  

Despite the great viewing opportunity, I found myself being constantly interrupted by the motormouthed Scota. “Do you know who I’m really excited about?  It’s Kumiko, a stay-at-home mom who disinfects her kitchen and bathroom twice a day.  Her quirkiness is bound to win over viewers far and wide.  Kumiko tends to spend her time with either busy work or daytime TV, something that I suspect is a throwback to thirty or forty years ago, and not at all related to modern Japan.  So too is Junichiro, a cop who never leaves his police box.  Together, they add a light comic touch to the series, reminding us that despite the snapshot of modern life in a major city, there are certain production indulgences to give us respite from the day-to-day grind.”

Pride trumps all when it comes to language teaching

Many a foreign teacher has been attracted by such bright advertising.

“I signed up because I wanted these children to grow into happy global-minded citizens,” says Jeff Jameson as he lightly taps his fingers on the table between us.  “So I pride myself on promoting a robust mutual understanding with the children.   I’ve created so many activities that appeal to students, and I’ve fostered a one-team mentality.”

Jameson represents the veteran contingent of language teachers in Japan, those who have stayed beyond the point at which they realised that the only sex they were getting was with a ever-decreasing circle of bunny-boilers, emotionally-underdeveloped drinkers, and passport hunters.  Ever the professional, the 49-year-old Vancouver-born Jameson still manages to vary his selection of songs and games to keep the little ones focused as he leads them into the world of English.

Hands off! Satomi Ishihara may advertise a language school, but she’s kept well away from the lowly-ranked foreign teaching staff.

“Purists will say that The Beatles don’t belong in the classroom.  They say that songs like “Hello Goodbye”, “All Together Now”, and “Yellow Submarine” should stay in the karaoke room.  I like to shake things up though.  I guess I’m similar to Sidney Poitier in To Sir With Love or Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society in that regard.  I’m on the record saying that teaching isn’t about professors, psychologists, or large companies with their hands in various markets.  No, I tell you right now that teaching is all about the kids,” he says beaming.  “There.  I’ve said it.”

Jameson’s dreams occasionally hit obstacles.  One such occasion was last week when he was teaching little kids in a window-view room at a shopping centre in suburban Kanagawa.  After singing “Heads, Shoulders, Knees & Toes”, Jameson got down on all fours to introduce the next activity.  It was then that one of the little boys began to climb on his back and stuck some chewing gum in his hair.  From there an awkward situation developed with Jameson unsuccessfully trying to gently free himself of the scrum that threatened to overwhelm him.  “It became one big tangle with me and three kids,” recalls Jameson.  “I eventually got out of it and managed to get on my knees so that I was now able to control the situation.”

A window similar to the one used for slightly intrusive casual observation at the school located within the suburban shopping centre.

It was only then that Jameson noticed that he had an audience, two marines and their two attractive local girlfriends were observing his lesson whilst pointing at him and trading giggles.  “I’m a humble man, and I used to be in the military, so I gave them a self-conscious look and saluted.”  With his attention diverted for just a moment, Jameson was now defenceless, and the smallest and cheekiest of the students saw it as an opportunity to whack Jameson in the penis and testicles with astonishing force.  Jameson, now lying in the ground in the foetal position, gasped as the four cool twenty somethings howled with laughter from the other side of the glass.

“When I was 15 I was fooled into asking a hot girl at school if I could see her bearded clam, and then when I was 18 years old I came home to find my girlfriend making out with my father in the living room.  So, I’m no stranger to humiliation,” Jameson says wistfully.  “But that day being laughed at by the marines was the worst I’ve ever felt.  Those marines were dark-skinned, so I imagine they took the girls to a love hotel where they then indulged in Hennessy-fueled sex sessions while whispering cool street slang into the girls’ ears.

The wave from the bear makes it clear that all passers-by are welcome to view and freely comment on the teacher’s performance

“In those moments I remind myself of my sworn commitment to know, value and care for each and every student.  That’s what drives me.  I believe teachers need to see every child’s glass as half full and that requires knowing each student as an individual and being tenacious in trying to discover and understand their unique potential. 

“Some teachers just come here for a year, bang some of the hot moms, and then go back home. They don’t even go to see a temple or wear out their welcome with the locals in a stand-up bar,” sighs the ageing veteran sadly. “Not me though.  It’s all a completely spiritual journey for a long-termer like me.  To be absolutely honest though, it would be nice to have an afternoon delight with a milf at a love hotel.  I have to hope that, even at my age, my turn is just around the corner.”

Professional to the last gasp.

Cheeses Christ! French ex-pat goes for half price but cops full sentence

Le Pointu re-used the same 50% sticker (minus the bar code) over and over again to help himself to demi-priced delights

A young Frenchman has brought shame on himself, his family, and his country after being found guilty of tampering with supermarket price stickers.  “Just count yourself lucky that buggery isn’t rife in our prison system,” advised Judge Junichi Kumagaya as he handed down a sentence of a month in the stretch.  37 year old Gaston Le Pointu, from Amiens, had been spotted repeatedly applying 50% OFF stickers to his favourite cheeses at his local supermarket which happens to have a pretty impressive selection, despite being located in a boring, unsexy part of north-eastern Tokyo. 

Jane Birkin on the stereo and nature’s bounty on the table

Le Pointu appeared to be a model regular customer who was often seen flaunting a garish tote bag. But it was his insatiable love of cheese that led to suspicions.  Said one shop assistant, “I used to look at him and think, ‘What a lucky guy.  He comes here, has sex with cute girls, and finds the 50% OFF cheese every time he shops here.’ Turns out he was cheating on the cheese just as often as he cheats on his women.”  

This monk would probably be horrified to learn that his fellow-countryman was getting this fine cheese cheaply by evil means

At a hastily convened press conference to address Le Pointu’s disgraceful behaviour, French Ambassador Gerard Villers-Bretonneux said, “I am not here to talk about any individual’s poor behaviour.”  When it was pointed out that the press conference had indeed been arranged to address Le Pointu’s behaviour, the Ambassador pulled out some statistics about American servicemen kicking cats in back alleyways before throwing out some romantic bons mots for the thirsty, largely female, press corps. 

A barely gripped podium; the sign of a man who knows how to stay cool in a crisis, with neither a change in pulse or bead of sweat.

However, the Ambassador concluded on a formal note, “As a friend and fellow member of the G7, France extends her best wishes for the road ahead and looks forward to continued cooperation between all parties to restore confidence in the quality and market prices of cheese in both our countries. Now, if any of the older, but not too old, ladies here would like to accompany me to my private chambers…”

The judge saw the bow tie and added a week to the sentence

Le Pointu’s defence was typical of the kind of westerner that inhabits Japan, succeeding in pie-in-the-sky claptrap whilst failing in stone-cold logic.  “A Frenchman should only have to pay farm-direct prices for French cheese, no matter where they reside.  Transportation, utilities, and storage are no concern of mine.  Distance is a concept, not a reality.  It’s an existential dilemma really.  In fact, let’s remove all relevances from this conversation.”

It’s suspected that Le Pointu has also used his technique on lamb, and anything else that strains his language teacher budget.

The prosecution pointed out that Hokkaido camembert was also of high quality, but Le Pointu responded by explaining that the Japanese hadn’t grasped all the facets of producing fine cheese.  “Nothing beats the feeling of the first breath, the smell of the camembert as though it’s been ever so delicately and lovingly wiped along a sweaty bum crack just prior to packaging, the way it has always was and will be.

Such a fine product being wasted on the likes of Le Pointu

“This court and I have a different set of values. You must understand – geographical boundaries are of no significance to me. I owe my allegiance to my sense of satisfaction,” said Le Pointu, who then proceeded to completely contradict himself by adding, “I’m a man who lives by categories. I like my ham Italian.  I like my olives Spanish.  I like my cheese French.”  Le Pointu also asked the press scrum to note “off the record” that he likes his cabin attendants, porn, and traditional summer gowns Japanese.  

Veteran teacher refuses to yield to critics juiced up on cancel-culture

It’s CAs like these women who power the waves which online teachers are surfing

Last month’s article (“Fully Qualified western teacher incredulous over growing demand for Filipina Zoom Teachers”) has caused a fair bit of outrage and seen Jarrod Dallas’ near drowning in a torrent of abuse.  Cancelled on two major platforms, Dallas has found out who his real friends are, so we thought it would only be fair if we gave him another chance to put his case forward.  

Can you describe how you feel at the moment, Jarrod?

It’s not a question of how Jarrod Dallas feels at the moment.  I would say look at anyone when they are feeling vulnerable, as this situation is really challenging, and especially as a man… it’s a lot, so… y’know. But, thank you for asking, because not many people have asked if I’m ok.  It’s a very real thing to be going through behind the scenes.  It certainly hasn’t been easy and, no – things are not ok.  It’s been a struggle.  These people will destroy your life.  I think I speak for all qualified teachers in Japan when I say this.

Are you the union leader or something like that?

No, I’m not even a member of a union.

Well, in that case, you can’t speak for anyone but yourself.

………….Oh.

Don’t get excited! These ladies only work in Business or First Class

Surely you’d still like to say something about all this outrage that you’ve caused?

Sure, I do.  Try this little recipe;  Take a bit of Covid-19, the rapid rise in popularity of Zoom, and add a developing country known for its hot women which shares roughly the same timezone as Japan.  What’s the result?  Unemployment, if you’re an experienced and qualified business English instructor in Japan.

It hurts, because I’m such a dynamic teacher.  I’m known as “The Motivator” wherever I work because I really pump the students.  I give it to them hard, let them know who’s boss, and dare them to challenge me.  I go all the way to the edge and laugh at it as I step off.  I cop complaints on a pretty regular basis, but there’ll always be people who can’t hang on and get to grips with my expeditious technique. I’ve never claimed that I could take everyone along for the ride either.

How do you feel about Japanese businessmen choosing Filipina teachers en masse?

It’d be a shame to think that all these businessmen just want to look at some eye-candy for an hour, rather than getting down to learning some tried and true key expressions that have the potential to influence a client’s decision.  Do they really think people like me are all uncool cast-offs who aren’t worth the First-World wage-slave rates? Their actions suggest that they do.

They’re happy because their next seven days won’t be spent in Manila

How do you feel about the women who are providing the Zoom lessons?

I’d never spend a night with one of those women, and I’ll tell you why, too.  The reason is that I don’t want to wake up to find that I’m not only married, but that my parents’ wills have been amended.  These babes are fast, in more ways than one.  One thing that they can’t do is teach English as well as me.  Can they explain the etymology of “rain-check”?  Do they know how to work terms like “Hail Mary”, “Pinch Hitter”, or any Yogi Bera quote into a conversation?  

And let me ask about the credibility of a Filipina involved service industry where the customer has to provide the tug!?  That’s like a French restaurant where you have to put that fancy drizzle over the dish yourself, or doing time in a Turkish prison where you have to violate yourself.  The non-physical aspect of zoom ought to negate the Filipina mystique and effect the market price of the “language lessons”.

And, how do you feel about people from The Philippines in general?

I wish them well on their unfeasibly long road toward becoming an attractive place to reside.  At the end of the day, we have to remind ourselves that these people put soy sauce in their Adobo though.  Isn’t that kind of like putting pineapple on a pizza?  Is The Philippines actually good at anything? They never win Olympic medals, and their best boxers get beaten up by Japanese guys. I’ve gotta give credit where it’s due though; these guys can come up with a bargain. For example, did you know that any holiday spent in a coastal resort comes with a free visit to the Police Station to fill out a report?

These women who steal my students are promoted for “Clearly Spoken English”.  Come on!  They should call it “Cleavage Pokin’ English”!  That’s clever, isn’t it?  Maybe I’ll go into advertising.

Fully Qualified western teacher incredulous over growing demand for Filipina Zoom Teachers

This is a nice bright smile.

“Nobody can explain the practical benefits of using past perfect tense better than me,” asserted Jarrod Dallas last week when we sat down at a nasty little pizza bar in Yoyogi last week.  “My real life examples can really inspire a student.”

Dallas, who heads the Shinjuku English Academy, was refreshingly plain in the way he showed distain for the new trend of Japanese businessmen shunning traditional classroom Eikawa lessons with overwhelmingly dorky western guys for online lessons with teachers based in The Philippines.

“Why on earth would someone prefer a full-lipped, sultry-eyed stunner over an experienced teacher with superior linguistic, grammar, and translation skills?” asked Dallas.  “I’m all about pedagogy.  Academia is more of a lifestyle than a vocation for me.

This is a highly-qualified language teacher.

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and make the assumption that none of these temptresses have worked in an office in a city like London,  Chicago, or… Edmonton, which happens to be where I’m from. I’ve worked in an office there, albeit just a local government office, and even then just on a part-time basis.

“I love the way they’ll talk about how great The Philippines is as a place to live.  The truth of the matter is that 90% of the women in The Philippines are prepared to use whatever skills or assets they have in order to get the hell out of there to live in a better place.  As for the other 10%, they either belong to the ruling elite or they have some strong family obligation like an illegitimate baby keeping them there.  

This is a face that you’d like to see at the end of a busy day.

“These hot looking women may smile on a zoom call, but deep down they have consumed too much first world media to allow themselves to be content in their current situations.  I say this from the heart.  Y’know, I’m on their side.  If I could send planeloads of unmarried, overweight, bald white men there to rescue them, I would.”

Industry recruiter Chinkasu Hokei talked frankly about the problems faced by many business English instructors.  “While I acknowledge the professional attitude shown by many of the white male instructors, the enduring image of a majority of Filipinas being attractive counts against them when it comes to power-harassed workers being forced to learn a language to save their jobs.  Sure, expectations of a hot, sexy female teacher are seldom met, but it’s the possibility of the study ’n’ stroke method that keeps the whole business model viable.” 

This is a mouthpiece.

The so-called “study ’n’ stroke” method has gained popularity among men who are either too busy, or too stingy, to have face-to-face lessons and then go on to a massage parlour on the way home.  So popular is the new method of study and self-pleasure, that the Ministry for Education, Trade & Industry has released a report into the knock-on effects. 

Perhaps the most visible of these effects is the high number of vacancies popping up throughout the city. Grotty looking buildings located near train stations are facing a tough time looking for new tenants as the traditional tenants, massage businesses and language schools, shut up shop – perhaps never to come back.

“What we are seeing is erotic massage experts and language instructors being forced to return home while the new breed of instructors, who don’t even live in Japan, are picking up their work,” explained Hokei.  “Sooner or later the authorities are going to have to step in to right the market, otherwise the owners of all those decrepit looking buildings are going to be forced to spend money to attract tenants who care about things like exposed wiring, clean carpet, and having a sporting chance of surviving indoor fires.”

Foreign-tourist lockout: J-vlogger shortage hits regional Japan

This young interviewee takes comfort in the fact that she can answer the intrusive questions while her identity is largely protected by her mask

Two years into the tourist lockout, experts warn that the problem of a lack of vloggers getting out into the deepest parts of Japan continues.  At the same time, there is also a related development with a shortage of “What do Japanese women actually think of western men?” content being created.

There were warnings from experts such as Regional Japan Tourism chief executive Takeshi Kuroda, that fewer western geeks getting out and about would be an issue in the long-term.  “People ask me why it’s so important to have these guys roaming the country asking young women what they think of western men.  Well, this all has a knock-on effect.  

Kuroda reasserts his position on weaboos at a recent press conference

“Horny losers see the videos and travel throughout the country, essentially to try and get laid.  And, even if they don’t come, it’s still good for brand awareness,” Kuroda said at a swanky Iidabashi whisky bar.  “We can see that in things like sake sales, game downloads, and porn clicks which all get a bounce out of these amateur videos.  We also see the phenomenon where “What do Japanese women think of western men?” videos breed more “What do Japanese women think of western men?” videos.

 “In 2010 barely any of the YouTube content from Japan was sexually related.  By 2019, that number had grown incredibly,” explained Kuroda.  “It’s as though horny geeks encourage more horny geeks to come here.  It’s something that we’ve all been too embarrassed to admit, but our economy thrives on these sex-starved dweebs.”

Just remember – it can’t be called sexual harassment if you’re carrying a microphone.

Barely functioning rural towns have long been well-aware of their growing reliance on westerners buying shit that they don’t need from their independent stores run by extremely elderly people.  “Traders from Kappabashi have come here, taken a look around, and left without ordering any of our ceramics or fabrics.  Some even laugh at the quality,” said one tofu seller in Toyama.  “These geeks will come here with their smartphones and make videos promoting our stuff, and then hang around the train station asking girls if they’d ever considered having sex with a white man.  It all helps, I guess.”

In Tokyo, a total of four “What do Japanese women think of …” videos were produced in 2021.  The last time the number was that low was more than fifteen years ago, prior to the introduction of smartphones and when YouTube was in its infancy.  Similarly, Kyoto plummeted through the psychological barrier of three such videos produced for the same year.  Unimaginable in recent years when film school graduates unable to find jobs in the real world have been drawn to the city in the hope of chancing upon a hapless Maiko on her day off.

Cute women with friendly faces get targeted the most. A resting bitchface often makes the foreign men reluctant to go in for an interview.

Kuroda said he was pleased with the progress some areas had made to date, with young Japanese creating geeky content in Okinawa and Hokkaido, but the gains being made were a long way from filling the gap left by absent weaboos.  Some prefectures have even been approaching foreign residents on Tokyo streets and asking them to visit their towns to conduct the enthusiastic street interviews.  This initiative was born following the realisation that most of the content creators were virgins coming into the country on tourist visas.  Given the jaded nature of language teachers and code monkeys, however, the project seems more than a little optimistic.

For his home prefecture of Aomori, Kuroda said it had been a “very tough two years”.  He said, “We’ve had to rethink our strategy completely.  We’re still pivoting and trying to lure excitable white filmmakers to the area.  These guys are like unicorns now, though.  We’re starting to target young mixed-race Japanese guys who have no sense of shame.  It’s really taking a lot of energy, time, and resources to get it right, but what other choice do we have.”

These women know that looking businesslike is the best way to avoid the intrusive questioning from foreigners on the street

Meanwhile, Shikoku Tourism Board Manager Hitori Samishi denied that they had been affected by the absence of western men asking local women if they’d ever consider riding a stud from overseas.  “Those kind of foreigners never came here in the first place.  Nobody gives a flying poo about visiting our fine island.  

“We would dearly love to have dorky white guys asking our young ladies on camera what they think of western men, and let me tell you that we have some of Japan’s most wonderful women here in Shikoku.  Our food and our landscape may be a little unspectacular, but that is not the case with our women.  Frankly, as a father, it’s heartbreaking to see our girls able to walk around town freely, whenever they want, without being bothered by the dweebs of the western world.  They deserve more than that.”