The Japan Wanko

Cafe Review – The Knobsack

2025年11月3日 | Author: M. Hardwick

“My life has no geographic or political boundaries,” says Clint Wilkinson. “Just because people are on holiday in this archipelago currently known as Japan, doesn’t mean that they have to eat sushi and yakitori.”

Wilkinson, from the mid-northern lower central tablelands of New South Wales, is sitting in his latest project, a fusion cafe in impossibly hip Shimokitazawa. The Knobsack (for that is its name) sits just off the junction of two funky alleyways between a shop selling loophole drugs and another shop selling all kinds of shit that you don’t need. The Knobsack is the main attraction though, just a quick glance at the menu results in an involuntary quivering in the loins, and that’s completely understandable.

“You’ll find that everything we dish up here comes from sustainably sourced ingredients,” boasts Wilkinson. “Our customers come for the coffee which is lovingly roasted from Indonesian coffee beans. So, they come for the coffee, but stay for the food. We don’t hide the flavours here – we elevate them. From our smoke kissed steak to our roasted goat which is faithfully cooked in accordance with a Moroccan family’s handwritten recipe, our menu is something which people marvel over.”

The early news is good; customer numbers are up and the day-to-day running of the business are smoother than one of the malt shakes on offer. “Obviously, we work closely with our suppliers although at this point I’d rather not give any one of them particular praise,” says the obligatorily facially-haired veteran of the inner-city Sydney cafe scene. “I think across the local area we’re doing a lot of things, some of the impressive moves made by the local business community and the city government show that we’re all making good steps forward. I think we’ve got a lot of work to do and we actively look forward to participating in future conversations, provided that my voice is the loudest in the room.”

“Right now, however, we need to keep the momentum going and stay focused on sustained improvement,” explains Wilkinson as he rubs one of the characters on his heavily tattooed forearm, perhaps in a bid to elicit praise from me. “As far as our local business associates are concerned, we’re talking about sharing granular ideas and nurturing common threads, no matter how small they may be. I believe in building on the base, tapping into undiscovered trends, and moving forward in a positive way. Incremental change and duplicating positive responses have always been important to me, as you never know what the ramifications could be in the long run. I don’t want to be accused of being pie in the sky, but it doesn’t hurt to dream a little. That’s what they say in all those books. Believe me, I’ve read ‘em all.”

Bringing compassion, consideration, and long-term broad-minded thoughtfulness to business can be hard at times, but Wilkinson still manages to keep a handle on things. His innate cool can be seen through such things as his Aboriginal flag on the wall, his 1970s vinyl collection, and his vast wardrobe of Okinawan shirts. “They’re actually called Kariyushi shirts,” he asserts. “Kariyushi means “harmonious” or “happy occasion” in the Ryukyu language. It’s a quite a versatile word, when you think about it. Don’t judge their language though. If they want to have a word that can mean two things which aren’t really the same, then that’s part of the beauty and mystique that some westerner like you will never fully understand. I like to think of The Knobsack as a conduit for these cultural concepts. Coming here to this part of Tokyo invariable becomes an educational experience for many of our ignorant cashed-up customers.”

Wilkinson grew up in a theatre, where from childhood he learned the importance of fostering spaces where connections are made. He understands the vital role a cafe can potentially play in a community. “For the kind of people who read Tom Clancy books or wear smart watches, a cafe is just a place to get a hot beverage. But, for the romantics, the gypsies, and the sophisticates, it’s a space to absorb knowledge and exchange culture. It’s a social hive that doesn’t just defy social diversity, it embraces it and thrives on it.”

Deflecting away from the reasons that led to the closure of his cafe in Sydney and his hasty move to Tokyo, Wilkinson gushes over the attractions of his new abode. “Tokyo sucks you in. It’s a city of adventure. I don’t get much time off, but when I do get away from The Knobsack, I like to jump into a Mari Cart or go to Asakusa for a rickshaw ride. I’m a sucker for the school classroom experience too when I put on the school uniform and learn how to do origami or shodo with other westerners. What else do I get into…? Let’s see… Oh! Those Ueno rub ’n’ tugs are always a joy. You can even get a cheeky walnut if you get an attentive server. I love checking out the maid cafes and owl cafes, too. I don’t consider them competition as we cater to different markets. They’re just all part of the tapestry of Tokyo, and I consider The Knobsack to be a part of that too, just in a much more spiritual and artistic way.”

The cycle of understanding Tokyo traffic laws

2025年10月1日 | Author: Momo Kaminari

**Riding in Japan can be an exhilarating experience.**

There was a buzz around the foreign cycling community in Japan this week with the announcement of an exciting initiative that aims to ultimately end all that fear and loathing that is experienced by those on two wheels. “We’ll tell you when and where you should be riding on the sidewalk, and when and where you should be riding on the road, and then adding numerous exceptions to this advice,” explained group co-founder Mah-Son Zung.

Zung and co-founder Stephen Liao came up with the idea while sharing a hospital ward after being involved in separate traffic accidents on the same day. “Coincidentally, both of us were car-doored on a notorious stretch of Nakano Dori,” said Liao. “Fortunately, we were both wearing gloves and helmets. We were also wearing vivid lycra outfits, although they didn’t have any real effect on reducing the impact of our collisions.”

**Liao and Zung became good chums while recovering from their accidents.**

Liao went on to provide a background for the reasons behind the new initiative. “There already is some information out there among riding groups. A few of these groups have bizarre rules of their own though. They can set high standards, both in speed and in bicycle condition. They can be unforgiving. In the past members have been kicked out for such things as wearing mismatched socks, wearing the same run-of-the-mill polo shirt three weeks running, and failing to order adventurously at the mid-ride cafe.”

Liao, a 47 year old Chinese-Canadian bond trader from Vancouver, and Zung, a 39 year old Korean-American exporter from San Francisco, discovered that they shared a passion for riding, and used their recovery time productively in brainstorming ideas that would help the cycling fraternity handle the Kafkaesque, Orwellian, and Dickensian nature of traffic law enforcement.

**This medical emergency professional can smell an accident brewing, and places himself in the danger zone accordingly.**

“We’re not just about commuting or looking cool in skintight kits,” insisted Zung. “We’re all about getting our incidents with cops analysed, and then hopefully get concise data and papers written so that we can have a consensus among the biking community that at least one of these cases is truly typical of what’s going on around us. We’re going to be informing of all the changes to bicycle rules updated on a nearly daily basis. This is a new support group that has just been formed to focus on pedal power. Cycling is one of the most respected forms of transportation and here we are reporting honestly on commuting and getting around town, not necessarily in the light that cyclists want to be seen.”

“I hasten to add that being a cyclist in Tokyo is still more pleasant than being a cyclist in San Francisco. The landscape is much flatter, the other riders are generally much less judgemental of your choice of attire, and nobody drives by strongly advising you to put the seat on your bicycle. Mind you, it’s not a case of the Japanese being more mature than Americans. It just means that the Japanese sense of humour hasn’t evolved to that level yet.”

**This poor guy actually looks like he forgot to put his seat on.**

Liao nodded sagely, “I want to get this out to people because I think that it’s really important, because this kind of sets the tone for the project and all its potential revenue making possibilities. It gives us more perspective and it also gives us more guidance on how to be careful and credible, and make sure that we’re sticking to the law, and not just creating more scare stories based off of bad information which really doesn’t help with anything. It certainly doesn’t help us get to the truth. It just keeps us chasing our tails where we’re not focusing on gathering real data to really understand what’s going on with this phenomenon.

“With the collated data, we can delve into how these fluid areas of confusion get created and keep everyone informed. We’re against ignorance. We’re all about getting the word out to everyone, but we’re also all about advising on reality-based solutions. Think of us as a plucky NGO with the soul of a hedge fund. We’re raising awareness while schooling you on how to sweet-talk a cop who’s pulling you up for riding with a little too much consideration for his liking.”

Ambitious career woman resigns herself to having a physical relationship with an Eikaiwa teacher

2025年9月1日 | Author: Wilhelm Stefans

**LeCras dreaming of the day her economically equal prince will come.**

“I was kind of hoping to get with a guy from a high-class European car company,” explains 32 year old investment banker Brigette LeCras. “But those guys don’t want an independent woman with sensible underwear sitting in the passenger seat of their fancy car. They’re more likely to go for a Japanese woman, too. I wish them well in having deep and enriching conversations with the local babes.”

**A guy like this who resides in Tokyo *and* is into run-of-the-mill white women would be considered a unicorn.**

We’re sitting in a swanky Naka Meguro cafe on a Sunday morning. LeCras sips a hibiscus tea, the cafe’s speciality, as she describes the life (her life) of a busy career woman working in the finance sector in Tokyo. After a few brief sentences about her college background and the current nine-to-five grind, the conversation somehow gets funnelled into the perennial elephant in the room.

**You**’**ve gotta be careful with these language teachers in Tokyo. Sex sessions can sometimes turn into impromptu photo sessions.**

“I know a few guys who I line with regularly,” she says. “I make twice as much money as them, and I’m older than almost all of them. I’d just… I’d just prefer not to end up wearing a ring worth $50. It may look sweet in movies, but a poor boy’s not going to pay for a week in Tahiti. I don’t need a romantic dinner at Denny’s either. But, the only guys on the market here are all about that. They’re all low market dick swingers. They live in Tokyo because they don’t need a car, they can drink irresponsibly, and they can have sex irresponsibly here too. I do know a couple of language teachers with some get-up-and-go, but they channel their energy into online content creation. Their minds are continuously focused on filming some obscure location that some other self-styled travel show host hasn’t stumbled upon. It’s really hard to have a conversation with those guys, as they’re always slowly looking around for potential spots to film.

**LeCras is concerned about the kind of future that awaits people like this when they eventually return home.**

“What future do these guys have when they wear out their welcome here and move back home?” muses the reasonably attractive Californian. “Do they pursue their content creation dreams while living out of a van, refusing to face reality? Do they all get jobs working for the local government where they record stuff like births, deaths, and land transactions? Do they still need a human to do that these days? A younger poor guy can satisfy me for a few months, but only the promise of a big house and an annual vacation to somewhere decent will continue to moisten my knickers. That’s not just the way I feel, by the way. That’s a simple psychological phenomenon. It’s the way it’s always been. Like everyone these days, I’ve got a Venn diagram for my ideal partner. I’ve got a circle for physical desires, and a circle for financial desires. Any serious boyfriend of mine needs to be in that overlapping zone.”

**These low-bar language teachers like to tell everyone that they are artists, and quite often young Japanese women believe them.**

At this point, LeCras checks herself. “Oh! Did I just say that a serious boyfriend needs to be in that overlapping zone? Well then, let me just adjust my sights and focus on something non-serious. I’ve got an itch that needs to be scratched. That’s a non-STD kind of itch, mind you. I ought to be lining one of those language teachers who I’ve been stringing along for a few months. Then again, I guess I could just be getting along to a foreigner-friendly joint like The Hub or What The Dickens and looking out for a guy counting his change at the bar, and I’ll ask him to buy me a drink, and demand that he give me 100% of his attention. Hopefully his personality will fit mine, so that I can experience some erotic pleasure and passion, for a month or two anyway.”

Office Worker looking forward to his annual one-day summer vacation

2025年8月1日 | Author: Wilhelm Stefans

Itonami Hiwai knows it must be summer, because he’s feeling the familiar buzz of excitement over what to do on his one day summer vacation that his employer generously allows him to take. “I might spend eight hours in traffic driving to a beach which is more cigarette butts than sand, or watch a high school baseball tournament featuring highly recruited teenagers. What I’d really like to do though, is go to some kind of event with lots of gangster-run food stands selling sub-standard food. That way I can check out some babes in yukata, which I can then deeply reflect on later that evening.”

For the 42 year old batchelor, the one day off policy is a matter of pride. “I know that the Germans and Canadians get more time-off, but this shows that many of them are surplus to requirements. My company, on the other hand, needs me and values me. I’m the linchpin, the keystone, the guy who knows the photocopier’s secret handshake. Hence, their reluctance to give me something that I’m actually entitled to by law. Also, I don’t want to be a problem for my colleagues who would have to take on my workload. Just the thought of them having to handle one extra customer interaction a day is too much for me to entertain. I’d never burden them like that.”

When asked if he ever dreams of more than one day off, Hiwai looks as though he doesn’t fully comprehend the premise of the question. “More days? Nah. One’s enough to keep the soul flickering. Any more, and I might start questioning why my office chair is far less comfortable than a seat on the Ginza Line, or other equally philosophical matters. I’m good, thanks. Not only is one day all I can get, it also happens to be all that I desire.”

Japan to introduce Soviet-style minders for international tourists

2025年7月1日 | Author: G. Jincarde

**These tourists have no idea how disrespectful it is to walk around sacred grounds with your hands in your pockets.**

In response to poor behaviour by visitors from overseas, the Japanese government announced that tourists would soon be assigned minders upon arrival in the country. “The current situation has forced this upon us, to be honest,” explained spokesman Jun Tawagoto at Friday’s press conference in Kasumigaseki. “I’d like to call it a government initiative, but that’s not the case. We are simply reacting to an issue that regularly features on daytime television. I’d be lying if I said that we had a clear goal.”

Under the new policy, each tourist will be assigned a “Cultural Compliance Officer,” or as locals have already dubbed them, “The Politeness Police.” These minders will shadow visitors 24/7, ensuring they don’t litter, overcrowd public transport, or attempt to force geishas into selfies. “Think of it as a personal guide to omotenashi, except instead of anticipating your needs, they’ll anticipate your missteps,” Tawagoto quipped.

**The cringe factor is hitting extreme, but these tourists should be applauded for trying to get on board with Japanese culture.**

The announcement, which has sparked memories of how Russia handled curious useful idiots in the past, has been met with mixed reaction. Some locals in Kyoto, where overtourism has turned tranquil gardens into mosh pits, are cautiously optimistic. “Maybe now I can ride the bus without hearing someone yell ‘Golly gee! Check that out!’ upon seeing a funky-looking vending machine,” said a Kyoto resident who wished to remain anonymous.

Meanwhile, in Tokyo, a 7-Eleven manager shrugged, noting that his store had already adapted by labelling rice balls in English for confused foreigners. “If the minders can stop tourists from asking if our onigiri is sushi, and also step in when one of those complete morons tries to arrange a date with one of our staff members, I’m all for it,” he said.

**The blonde tourist should be applauded for not sticking tattoos all over herself, and maintaining her dignity unlike so many other westerners eager to look like common tramps.**

However, not everyone is on board. Jason Gibson, a 29-year-old New Yorker who recently enjoyed a mock Japanese high school experience in Kimitsu City, said the policy was a bit over the top. “I came here to live my anime dreams, not to be babysat,” he protested, still wearing his borrowed school uniform. “What’s next, a minder to stop me from striking up a conversation about Tottoro with a hot 18 year old who’s simply trying to get through her commute in peace?”

The government has yet to clarify how the minders will be selected or trained, but Tawagoto hinted at a rigorous vetting process. “We’re looking for individuals with the patience of a saint, the sternness of a schoolteacher, and the ability to smile through gritted teeth,” he said. Some speculate that the program might be a covert way to get hikikomori out and about, with thousands of new jobs opening up for “tourist wranglers.” Others have suggested that the government will recruit by simply acquiring a list of those who didn’t make the cut at Tokyo Disney.

**Don’t let the smile fool you, this dancer and her comrades are just going through the motions.**

Adding to the chaos, the timing couldn’t be worse. A notorious union has infiltrated the Nippon Ham Fighters cheer girls, and they’re threatening strike action over the right to introduce a new dance as they’re all bored out of their minds doing the fox dance between innings. Union activity is something that the tourism industry has always feared, however nobody expected cheer girls to be on the front line.

“There always has to be commies getting in the way at all levels,” groaned a travel agent in Paris. “French people visit Japan to escape workers burning tires and welding trains to tracks. My clients just want to see cute girls dancing, cute girls playing guitar, and cute girls selling themselves in Kabukicho. They definitely do not want to be trailed by a government babysitter tut-tutting them.”

**A bunch of enthusiastic sightseers enjoy green tea.**

Rumors of an international movement to encourage a pull-back on the new measures are swirling. Bangladesh, India, Nepal, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka are said to be forming an alliance. “Men… err… people… deserve the right to enjoy their time in Japan,” asserted Kasai resident Duleep Sharma. “They don’t want to be constantly told to pay the full train fare, refrain from taking photos of schoolgirls, and keep their hands to themselves. I assume that’s what these minders will be saying to everyone who comes here. That is why this group of countries from all parts of the world are concerned about this.”

As Japan gears up for its ambitious goal of 60 million annual visitors by the end of the decade, the minder program may be just the beginning. Whispers of additional measures, like a “no selfie” zone in Shibuya and a ban on pasty-white westerners wearing kimonos, are already circulating. For now, tourists planning a trip to Japan might want to develop sophisticated drinking skills, learn to dress a little more sophisticated, and – in the case of Australians – learn to speak with a more sophisticated accent.

A polished performance – fake priest caught beating the bishop at the opera

2025年6月1日 | Author: Gerald Wilkins

**Rinaldi managed to pop into a sound check prior to the performance.**

“I didn’t deserve that. I mean, sure, I wanted someone non-Japanese at my concert to make it look like an international event. But, I could never have known that he was going to do… y’know… that. When we do weddings together he’s always straight down the line. I’ve never heard him comment on the sexiness of a bride, nor seen his gaze linger on a cleavage.”

Mizore Komorebi is referring to her colleague Tony Rinaldi brazenly bopping his baloney during her opera performance in Tokyo earlier this year. The pair work together as priest (although he’s as much a man of the cloth as Vanilla Ice is a creator of great bass lines) and choir girl at a reception centre in Omiya, and had developed a fine professional relationship built on trust, respect, and a strong sense of teamwork. It had been only natural for Komorebi to invite Rinaldi to her recital in front of 70 or so people.

Rinaldi, for his part, was delighted to get the invite. “It showed that she respects me. I’m a perfectionist. I work hard to give value for money, unlike some of those other schmucks who do weddings here. They either read everything from the page, or make basic Japanese errors frequently. I deliver though. I give people the best wedding experience through the role that I perform.”

**Part of the appreciative crowd at the intimate event.**

A perfectionist with a professional attitude he may be, but that still didn’t stop him from behaving in a deplorable manner at his colleague’s big event. “I’ve always thought Mizore was attractive in her choir girl gown, but she was looking smoking hot on stage in her stylish dress. I was imagining the two of us hooking up backstage and going at it with our clothes on; she giving herself to me as I plunged into her warm, moistened, quivering figa. It was winter. I was in the back row. My coat was over my lap. I decided to up the entertainment factor for myself.”

The 46 year old Rinaldi wasn’t counting on a senior opera lover to search for a rear seat as she encountered a bout of flatulence that was brought on by the cabbage soup served as part of the venue’s Austrian Culture Month. “She caught me just as a song was finishing, so the whole hall heard her involuntary shrieks. It was a bit embarrassing when everyone started repeating what she was saying. Japanese people often do that. So, suddenly you could hear dozens of people saying the word “masturbation” and looking at me at the same time. Funnily enough, the word is basically the same in Japanese and German, so it was kind of keeping with the vibe of Austrian Culture Month. I guess I should have left at that point, but I still had a raging boner.”

Owing to monthly financial obligations, Komorebi and Rinaldi have been continuing to work together, although the healthy conversation during quiet moments has, perhaps understandably, turned into awkward silence. For while Rinaldi had to deal with the embarrassment of being caught beating off in public, Komorebi has had to deal with not only bringing a depraved foreigner into her field of art, but also discovering that she’s been the subject of at least one of her colleague’s reality wanks.

Says the alluring Komorebi, “I’m touched in the knowledge that he feels that I’m hot enough to jerk off over. I’m not going to lie. As a woman it’s one of the things that you can give you confidence and reassurance. It definitely is creepy though. We’ve been working together for a while. Just how much mentally undressing and perverse fantasizing is going on in that head of his!?”

**Patrons were shocked, yet couldn’t resist staring.**

This talk of concern over her colleague jacking it to her shouldn’t overshadow the upheaval in Komorebi’s musical pursuits, however. The outcry has hit the smooth olive-skinned Komorebi hard. Despite assurances that the incident would be quickly forgotten, she has found herself unable to face anyone in the opera fraternity. Not one to cry into a pillow at home, she’s already branched out into jazz, forming her own group and performing in cool Koenji bars and live houses.

“The jazz audience reaction is much better than with opera, as it’s spontaneous,” explains the seductively-voiced 32 year old. “The bond with the audience can be formed quickly and the clubs have a much more intimate atmosphere. There’s also more action in the audience, so even if someone’s masturbating, it’s a lot harder to notice.”

Newcomer rips Japan a new one – “This is nothing short of an ergonomic nightmare!”

2025年5月1日 | Author: T. Tamm

**These posh London parties are a thing of the past for Pankhurst, the far-east venturer.**

“I kneecap myself on a daily basis on the desks,” moans Darrell Pankhurst. “Both the desks and the chairs are too low for the bodies of modern people. The state of all the office furniture is awful, and the working conditions in general are absolutely appalling. Management doesn’t know what OH&S means. I find it abhorrent that we leave our homes and make our way to the this distant Oriental land, only to be treated like low ranking sailors on a Victorian era naval vessel. Our treatment is probably worse, to be honest, because we don’t receive a daily ration of fresh fruit and rum, and we don’t have an exercise regime featuring sea shanties.

**A frown to go with the dissatisfaction of living in Japan.**

Pankhurst has been in Japan for only three weeks, but that hasn’t stopped him from quickly summing up the situation with the brash assertiveness that he acquired through his public school education.“My colleagues aren’t of the right stock either. Some of them end sentences with prepositions, which I find absolutely ghastly. It doesn’t matter if they’re from Canada, America, or the Antipodes. These people butcher the language the same way a bunch of unruly Vietnamese peasants will butcher a buffalo.

**Tables… The lower the better as far as Japan is concerned.**

“Most of all, however, I’m dismayed at the horrid selection of biscuits in the teachers room. I mean, they look like nice, round, yummy biscuits, but it’s a case of style over content. When you try to dunk these in tea, the biscuit falls apart in record time. That’s because there’s no substance to them here. The bread’s largely the same way, too. It’s a funny old world, isn’t it? I find that I can easily manage without my weekly walk through Hampstead Heath or my monthly dose of discipline from a stern-faced woman of Jamaican heritage. Yes, indeed. What I’ve found is that it’s the little things that really matter.

**Sitting’ pretty. The boss gets a big desk with a nice view.**

“Oh, what I’d do for a good pint of beer, a decent biscuit with tea, and a buxom woman with love handles just beginning to make the presence known, who you can roger from behind without getting her to position herself on a phonebook first. That brings me to the width of sandwiches. A BLT here does have bacon, lettuce, and tomato, but it’s a minimum of serving for each. Your typical Japanese sandwich could easily fit through a letter box opening. Package sizes reflect the breast sizes here. You’re just not getting enough. Ten tea bags in a pack!? Don’t make me laugh.”

**Even a beloved cup of tea can’t fully soothe the perennial whinger.**

Despite all the complaints, Pankhurst shakes his head when the suggestion of returning home is brought up. “That would be fine, except the people at my company here need me. If I’m not here, then the critical things won’t be done, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself heading home under those circumstances. Now… where was I… ? Oh, yes – restaurants; serving sizes in restaurants are a joke too. Who’s satisfied with 150 grams of mince in a hamburg steak with a minute portion of potato wedges? My goodness! They could measure everything with a teaspoon in this country. What on earth is going on in this bloody country? Are we experiencing a second Siege of Khartoum or something here!?”

Slightly Creepy ALT relieved to have made the cut

2025年4月8日 | Author: Momo Kaminari

**Their happy because their favourite teacher is returning.**

Paul Foschini is back. He’s back at high school in Kanagawa and enjoying his teaching once again after an anxious spring break. At the end of the 2024/25 school year, there had been concerns that Paul’s creepy record was finally hitting tipping point. But, in a land where teachers can avoid prison time altogether and get quietly moved on after banging a student, Paul has his twelve month contract safely in his breast pocket.

Fearing that his behaviour, his statements (“Some of these girls really know to rock a uniform,” and, “If I were ten years younger, I’d be deeper than Jacques Cousteau in that class”), and his general gazing habits had caught up with him, Foschini had been checking airfares for a one-way ticket to Brisbane via Thailand. A buttock fondling incident, where he was found to have caressed a 16 year old girl’s backside, is all in the past after the hierarchy accepted his excuse that he had mistaken a short pleated skirt for his poorly placed tartan-patterned concertina file.

**A classic tartan-patterned concertina file; an accident waiting to happen.**

Foschini’s plans aren’t all geared towards keeping his innermost desires in check, however. An avid guitarist and singer/songwriter, Foschini still has plans to come up with more songs. “I’ll make an effort to continue to play my acoustic guitar in a park after school while chugging beers, but I won’t be choosing to do that in the park located between the school and the train station. I’ll also be clearing out my hard-drive, but I have to make sure that I don’t recklessly delete pics of my wife and daughter at the same time.

“Yes – things weren’t looking rosy after the buttock fondling scandal, but now I’m looking forward to the 2025/26 school year, and my goals are not to ride in the school elevator with a student, not to have unnecessary conversations with students in hallways during the ten minute breaks, not to take loads of photographs of students during sports day, and not to make moves on any teachers, especially if they’re married,” beamed the 38 year old Queenslander.

**Foschini often likes to spend time at the bottom of stairs in order to promote safety at the school.**

A man known to be discerning in his choice of sacrifices, Foschini outlined his intentions to hang on to at least one other habit. “My all-nighters in Roppongi before a morning schedule will probably remain in my regime. Sure, I may stink like a Nui Dat brothel when I stagger into school, but it gives a certain edge to the class, which students wouldn’t get with a responsible, professionally-minded teacher.”

Not content to simply renew the controversial teacher’s contract, the school has decided to assign him more lessons this year. Faculty head Hizamazuku Kareshimae explained that the injection of color and dynamism was behind the decision. “He brings that je ne sais quoi to the lessons. As you know, most foreign teachers here often have all the personality of a worm’s desiccated semen. We know he’s a Section 8, a FUBAR, but if we wanted quality we wouldn’t be recruiting from within Japan where you can almost certainly only find deadbeat beta losers. As long as he doesn’t hover too long at the base of the staircase to get a glimpse of panties we believe we can handle him.”

The celebrities’ favourite tour guide sits down to answer your questions

2025年3月25日 | Author: M. Hardwick

**A fun-loving group of westerners enjoying a stroll through Ginza.**

Last month’s in-depth article about tour guide Todd Featherby’s fall from grace has resulted in a huge response from readers from around the world, most who just wanted juicier stories about famous people. Pathetic, really. Anyway, although showing regret over his decision to spill his guts to us last month, Featherby apparently had nothing better to do than to address your enquiries. So, it’s over to you, dear readers…

**The Clooneys went casual for their big day out in Tokyo.**

Dezső Kárpáti, Hungary: Did you end up getting a tip out of George Clooney?

TF: Let me tell you – yes! He gave me a couple of crisp notes and then Amal suggested a beer in the park. The Clooneys both had a can of Ebisu, while I had a Green label Kirin! Now, this drink is really disgusting. It’s the preferred beverage of the Ibaragi warehouse worker. I can’t stand the stuff, so I just took tiny sips while chatting away with them. I thought George would be a good sport about it, but he refused to make eye contact with me throughout the 20 minutes that we spent chilling in the park.

**Shibuya gets to witness the last days of the quiff.**

Pedro Anselmo, Uruguay: What was the frostiest exchange between Morrissey and Johnny Marr?

TF: Oh wow! Where do I start? Morrissey would just relate everything back to when he was a big star in America in the 90’s. He’d say stuff like, “I was told about this shrine when I was in Chicago in 1993, just after I’d played my second sold out show there. The crowd loved those shows more for the great guitar riffs than my singing, really.” Marr, for his part, would go in deep by saying, “Shall I ring the bell at this place, or do you want to? I’m asking because we don’t want you running back home to your mum like you did while recording our last album.” They both traded barbs like, “This tori gate is enormous, almost as big as your ego, eh Moz.” It was back and forth all day.

Juma Lumago, Uganda: How annoying did Ed Norton get during the tour?

TF: Ed’s one of those people who knows if it’s left over right or right over left when putting on a yukata. He chooses to take a dump in a Japanese toilet. He knows the type of flowers associated with mourning. I lost patience when he talked about the Japanese words which hadn’t an English equivalent. I managed to offer English words or phases each time which he did not like at all. We’re talking about hatanai (fleeting), mizore (sleet), and komorebi (sunlight filtering through the trees). Ed didn’t like that and then talked about how, as an actor, he had a special relationship with the essence of words and phrases on an existential level. Make of that what you will.

**The vast array of hosts can be overwhelming.**

Elita Jurkjāne, Latvia: Did you get intimate with any of the people on your tours?

TF: I had the chance with a couple of fading stars. I had a lovely day out with a woman who I got along really well with. We had been sharing jokes and stories, and then she said to me, “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” So, I took her to one of those garish host clubs where those over-coiffed gigolos get women to order over-priced champagne. With the glitter balls and the stench of hairspray and cologne, she got sensory overload as soon as she walked into to place, and she hated it. She looked around for five minutes and then pouted at me, whining, “This isn’t what I meant.” Then she stormed off in a huff. I guess no one told her it was gonna be that way.

**Hay fever prevention is taken seriously at the Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society.**

Shaina Faria Tisha, Bangladesh: Can you tell us more about the Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society?

TF: Where shall I begin? They basically just exist, without doing anything of note, like Canada at a G7 summit. They’re a little bit like Neighborhood Watch, a little bit lefty NGO, a little bit Secret Police, a little bit bored retirees looking for a reason to get out of bed, and a little bit progressive group sex ring. You’ve really gotta be careful about approaching them. If you don’t get your timing right, well…

**Time to stay at least an arm’s length away from the man**.

Moetai le Gayic, Tahiti: I applaud you on the way you spoke so diplomatically with regard to your celebrity clients. Having said that, however, I’d love to hear some dirt on Russell Crowe.

TF: A lot of rich people have bodyguards to keep the public away from them, but in the case of Russell Crowe, his minder is there to keep Russell away from the general public. Crowe liked the izakaya that I took him to. He liked the karaage, the yakitori, and the squid. He liked the sake too, both hot and cold. I mean… Crowe was a nice guy until the 10th glass of sake. He had lost count of how many red lanterns that he’d bought, and he accused me of stealing one while he was taking a pee. He just wouldn’t believe me no matter how many times I denied it. In the end he said, “I’d give you a tip, but it seems like you’ve already helped yourself to one.” He called me two days later to apologise after he’d checked his receipt. I accepted his apology, but you can’t forget something like that.

**Just how many dead bodies might this disused shaft be hosting?**

And that’s where we’ll leave Featherby, as he moves into the future, positioning himself to be fully prepared for when the beautiful people decide that the remote, kangaroo poo dotted Western Australian Goldfields is the place to visit.

Tour Guide to the stars run out of town by local grumps

2025年3月3日 | Author: M. Hardwick

“You know… my tours were fantastic,” says Todd Featherby over a quiet beer. “So many people came on them, and they all learned a great deal and had a lot of fun. I used to tell people stuff that wasn’t even related to the site that we were at. It’s hard sitting here in Kalgoorlie, trying to start up a new tour business, knowing that someone else is there in Japan doing what I used to do, but not doing as good a job as I used to do.”

**Serenity now? That all depends on local attitudes.**

Featherby is sitting by a window in a pub in Western Australia’s gold mining heartland, a completely different world to the one he left behind. It was a world of adventure, where famous people came to him with the expectation of being led around the historic wonders of Tokyo. “Yeah… I had some big names on my bespoke tours. It didn’t start out that way. I certainly didn’t set out to cater to celebrities, but I guess after taking care of a couple of big players, my name was shared around on their exclusive celebrity network that they have.”

**Just don**’**t make eye-contact with him when he**’**s drinking.**

Ordinary people also took Featherby’s tours, but nobody cares about them, so I just asked for some stories about world famous stars and if they did anything weird or obnoxious on the tours. “One of my first clients was Russell Crowe,” embarks Featherby. “He was alright, until he got a bit of sake into him. Then you had to be a bit careful. I took him to Kappabashi where he bought some red lanterns for his garden. Apparently he used to hang out at a pub which had them, but then he was banned after some kind of incident which wasn’t even his fault. So he wanted to replicate the aura of that pub’s beer garden by doing the same thing at home. Clever guy!

“Ed Norton came on one of my tours, too,” explains the sinewy 41 year old Australian. “Nice guy, but really proud of the time that he spent in Japan a long time ago. He kept telling me that it wasn’t the first time he’d been in Japan, and he wanted me to know that he was down with Japan more than me. I don’t know why he just didn’t sightsee by himself, to be honest.”

**Morrissey and Johnny Marr getting some peace, love, and harmony.**

Once you get a name in the sightseeing industry, demand for your services can skyrocket. A good tour guide will manage their schedule well, but even then hiccups can occur, as Featherby found out. “Probably the most bizarre experience that I had was when Morrissey and Johnny Marr ended up on my tour on the same day. I got my bookings wrong and I just about died when I went to the hotel to collect Morrissey, only to see Marr there too.

**Sometimes people just enjoy themselves a little too much.**

“I’m sure you can imagine how I felt! Well, I tried my best to lighten the mood and get them to enjoy the day sightseeing. I really did. I even hoped that the serenity of a temple would be just what they needed to patch things up and start recording together again. Instead, the three of us spent a tense day together. It was super awkward, to be honest. Still, they both paid me full price, and neither of them tried to screw me over like they had done to the other guys in The Smiths.”

**It’s all smiles until someone mentions the Japanese tv commercials.**

“George Clooney and his hot altruistic wife were another attractive couple that I took around for a few hours. They’re a really charming pair, but George got a little abrasive with me when I brought up the subject of his Kirin Green Label happoshu commercials a few years back. He quickly took me to one side and told me to shut up about those ads if I wanted a good tip. I guess he’s never told Amal about his role in promoting such a bad product.”

**Clooney and the low-brow beverage that he once put his name to.**

It wasn’t just a bunch of people of European stock that Featherby showed around town. His services were available to anyone who signed up, and that included Osaka Naomi. “She was super proud of being able to write her name in hiragana, and she pointed out that as she was Japanese she didn’t write her name in katakana. However, when I asked her if she watched Anpanman or Doraemon with her child, she told me that she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.”

**Osaka Naomi showing off her hiragana skills.**

I even took care of one of the stars of Bad Boys, Martin Lawrence. It was a bit daunting having to look after such a big name. I suggested to him that being in Japan must be nice as he can go around being unrecognised for a change. He just smiled wistfully and looked off into the distance silently, perhaps just realising for the first time how far he’d come in show business.”

**Lawrence sightseeing stealthily, and avoiding his legion of fans.**

Being a tour guide to the stars, Featherby was clearly top dog in the sightseeing game. He had people wanting to have coffee with him, actors wanting to kick on partying with him, and women wanting to sleep with him. It seemed too good to go on forever, and it didn’t.

**Just remember to keep it solemn and sincere at religious sites.**

“It fell apart so quickly,” sighs Featherby. “I was making bank every day, but then a local busybody started getting on my case. First she snapped at my clients for blocking footpaths. Then she accused me of being a modern crusader trying to bring Christianity to the temples and shrines.

**Beer-swilling westerners didn’t exactly endear locals to Featherby’s cause.**

“Finally, she and her time-rich buddies claimed that we were clapping without due sincerity at the beginning of prayers made at the shrines. It’s just a single clap that you do when you pray or make a wish. They determined that my clients weren’t doing it with the appropriate level of spirituality. That was the basis of their campaign. It sank me. They launched a hate campaign and rag-dolled me at every turn.

**The Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society were largely unsympathetic to Featherby’s situation.**

“I tried to suck up to them to get them to end their campaign. I asked them to teach me the spiritually correct way to clap when praying, but they just told me that as I was a foreigner there was no way I could acquire the right technique. I tried to appeal to the influential Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society, but they just sipped their green tea and mumbled. Look, I can see incredulity written all over your face, but this actually happens in Japan. If you think that this is unbelievable, just wait to hear my hook-up stories.”

**Featherby with the 1000 yard stare as the memories come flooding back.**

As I left the modestly furbished pub, I wished Featherby luck in getting his Goldfields tour up and running. You just never know, maybe the Clooneys and their friends will be contacting him so that they can check out a deep fly-blown hole containing a dead body in Australia’s arid interior in the near future. In the sightseeing world, you just never know.