After putting up with years of criticism and spiteful rumors about drink spiking, Bar Kingdom manager Shehu Abacha has come out to put the record straight. He wants people to know the truth about his bar, which is on the nose so much that not even marines on leave from stinking armpit hellholes will go near it.
“All this talk about how we prey on unsuspecting foreigners by slipping rohypnol into their drinks and skimming their cards just gets everybody in the industry down. I mean, it’s all true, but lately we’ve bought some pillows to pop under their heads so that they’re comfortable when they lose consciousness, but the media won’t tell you about that.
“We’ve got some reggae music playing sometimes, so unworldly people assume that I’m from the Caribbean. Now, that’s really insulting to me. Don’t mistake me for one of those cricket playing clowns with their posh English names,” says a clearly irked Abacha. “I’m not royalty, but I come from a long line of regional strongmen. Africa is in my soul. It’s where I learnt morality, intimidation, and my sexual adventurousness, which in turn led to me getting out of town quick smart after being a little too sexually adventurous with a rival family’s daughter. Nigeria’s loss is Japan’s gain though. The white man gets the crazies here. The black man gets the insatiable wild girls. They’re too hot for the local guys to handle, so we perform a critical role in the community.”
The general MO of bars such as Bar Kingdom is to lure randy punters using women with large knockers. Anybody who’s been in this industry for a while will tell you – big money follows big boobs. Explains Abacha, “These women will chat to the lonely guy and recommend a cocktail that he’s never tried. So, they’ll serve it up with a little disclaimer. They’ll say something like, “Take it easy with this. It’s got a little kick.” That line makes the whole process legal. By the end of the glass the customer will pass out and we’ll help ourselves to a not-insignificant amount from their account. We serve them coffee when they wake up and tell them to drink more carefully in future.”
As the customer wakes up in a state of bewilderment, he’ll be grateful for any assistance from anyone. “Over the years I’ve found that they’ve always said thanks for the coffee, but these days they thank us for the pillow too. They appreciate that we care.”
Abacha usually knows who to target, but things can come unstuck on the odd occasion. “Once we took a guy for over $1000 and he managed to put two and two together. It turned out that he was a lefty lawyer from Chicago. He wasn’t your average mug punter. He was more clever than he had appeared. It was an error on my part, and I look on it as a learning experience. Anyway, he came back a couple of days later and told us how we were all evil and how we lacked all sense of humanity. Well, I’d like to see his face now when I gently place a soft pillow under some poor schmuck’s head. No compassion for my fellow man, huh!? I think someone owes someone an apology.”