“You know… my tours were fantastic,” says Todd Featherby over a quiet beer. “So many people came on them, and they all learned a great deal and had a lot of fun. I used to tell people stuff that wasn’t even related to the site that we were at. It’s hard sitting here in Kalgoorlie, trying to start up a new tour business, knowing that someone else is there in Japan doing what I used to do, but not doing as good a job as I used to do.”
Featherby is sitting by a window in a pub in Western Australia’s gold mining heartland, a completely different world to the one he left behind. It was a world of adventure, where famous people came to him with the expectation of being led around the historic wonders of Tokyo. “Yeah… I had some big names on my bespoke tours. It didn’t start out that way. I certainly didn’t set out to cater to celebrities, but I guess after taking care of a couple of big players, my name was shared around on their exclusive celebrity network that they have.”
Ordinary people also took Featherby’s tours, but nobody cares about them, so I just asked for some stories about world famous stars and if they did anything weird or obnoxious on the tours. “One of my first clients was Russell Crowe,” embarks Featherby. “He was alright, until he got a bit of sake into him. Then you had to be a bit careful. I took him to Kappabashi where he bought some red lanterns for his garden. Apparently he used to hang out at a pub which had them, but then he was banned after some kind of incident which wasn’t even his fault. So he wanted to replicate the aura of that pub’s beer garden by doing the same thing at home. Clever guy!
“Ed Norton came on one of my tours, too,” explains the sinewy 41 year old Australian. “Nice guy, but really proud of the time that he spent in Japan a long time ago. He kept telling me that it wasn’t the first time he’d been in Japan, and he wanted me to know that he was down with Japan more than me. I don’t know why he just didn’t sightsee by himself, to be honest.”
Once you get a name in the sightseeing industry, demand for your services can skyrocket. A good tour guide will manage their schedule well, but even then hiccups can occur, as Featherby found out. “Probably the most bizarre experience that I had was when Morrissey and Johnny Marr ended up on my tour on the same day. I got my bookings wrong and I just about died when I went to the hotel to collect Morrissey, only to see Marr there too.
“I’m sure you can imagine how I felt! Well, I tried my best to lighten the mood and get them to enjoy the day sightseeing. I really did. I even hoped that the serenity of a temple would be just what they needed to patch things up and start recording together again. Instead, the three of us spent a tense day together. It was super awkward, to be honest. Still, they both paid me full price, and neither of them tried to screw me over like they had done to the other guys in The Smiths.”
“George Clooney and his hot altruistic wife were another attractive couple that I took around for a few hours. They’re a really charming pair, but George got a little abrasive with me when I brought up the subject of his Kirin Green Label happoshu commercials a few years back. He quickly took me to one side and told me to shut up about those ads if I wanted a good tip. I guess he’s never told Amal about his role in promoting such a bad product.”
It wasn’t just a bunch of people of European stock that Featherby showed around town. His services were available to anyone who signed up, and that included Osaka Naomi. “She was super proud of being able to write her name in hiragana, and she pointed out that as she was Japanese she didn’t write her name in katakana. However, when I asked her if she watched Anpanman or Doraemon with her child, she told me that she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.”
I even took care of one of the stars of Bad Boys, Martin Lawrence. It was a bit daunting having to look after such a big name. I suggested to him that being in Japan must be nice as he can go around being unrecognised for a change. He just smiled wistfully and looked off into the distance silently, perhaps just realising for the first time how far he’d come in show business.”
Being a tour guide to the stars, Featherby was clearly top dog in the sightseeing game. He had people wanting to have coffee with him, actors wanting to kick on partying with him, and women wanting to sleep with him. It seemed too good to go on forever, and it didn’t.
“It fell apart so quickly,” sighs Featherby. “I was making bank every day, but then a local busybody started getting on my case. First she snapped at my clients for blocking footpaths. Then she accused me of being a modern crusader trying to bring Christianity to the temples and shrines.
“Finally, she and her time-rich buddies claimed that we were clapping without due sincerity at the beginning of prayers made at the shrines. It’s just a single clap that you do when you pray or make a wish. They determined that my clients weren’t doing it with the appropriate level of spirituality. That was the basis of their campaign. It sank me. They launched a hate campaign and rag-dolled me at every turn.
“I tried to suck up to them to get them to end their campaign. I asked them to teach me the spiritually correct way to clap when praying, but they just told me that as I was a foreigner there was no way I could acquire the right technique. I tried to appeal to the influential Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society, but they just sipped their green tea and mumbled. Look, I can see incredulity written all over your face, but this actually happens in Japan. If you think that this is unbelievable, just wait to hear my hook-up stories.”
As I left the modestly furbished pub, I wished Featherby luck in getting his Goldfields tour up and running. You just never know, maybe the Clooneys and their friends will be contacting him so that they can check out a deep fly-blown hole containing a dead body in Australia’s arid interior in the near future. In the sightseeing world, you just never know.
