“Nobody can explain the practical benefits of using past perfect tense better than me,” asserted Jarrod Dallas last week when we sat down at a nasty little pizza bar in Yoyogi last week. “My real life examples can really inspire a student.”
Dallas, who heads the Shinjuku English Academy, was refreshingly plain in the way he showed distain for the new trend of Japanese businessmen shunning traditional classroom Eikawa lessons with overwhelmingly dorky western guys for online lessons with teachers based in The Philippines.
“Why on earth would someone prefer a full-lipped, sultry-eyed stunner over an experienced teacher with superior linguistic, grammar, and translation skills?” asked Dallas. “I’m all about pedagogy. Academia is more of a lifestyle than a vocation for me.
“I’m going to go out on a limb here and make the assumption that none of these temptresses have worked in an office in a city like London, Chicago, or… Edmonton, which happens to be where I’m from. I’ve worked in an office there, albeit just a local government office, and even then just on a part-time basis.
“I love the way they’ll talk about how great The Philippines is as a place to live. The truth of the matter is that 90% of the women in The Philippines are prepared to use whatever skills or assets they have in order to get the hell out of there to live in a better place. As for the other 10%, they either belong to the ruling elite or they have some strong family obligation like an illegitimate baby keeping them there.
“These hot looking women may smile on a zoom call, but deep down they have consumed too much first world media to allow themselves to be content in their current situations. I say this from the heart. Y’know, I’m on their side. If I could send planeloads of unmarried, overweight, bald white men there to rescue them, I would.”
Industry recruiter Chinkasu Hokei talked frankly about the problems faced by many business English instructors. “While I acknowledge the professional attitude shown by many of the white male instructors, the enduring image of a majority of Filipinas being attractive counts against them when it comes to power-harassed workers being forced to learn a language to save their jobs. Sure, expectations of a hot, sexy female teacher are seldom met, but it’s the possibility of the study ’n’ stroke method that keeps the whole business model viable.”
The so-called “study ’n’ stroke” method has gained popularity among men who are either too busy, or too stingy, to have face-to-face lessons and then go on to a massage parlour on the way home. So popular is the new method of study and self-pleasure, that the Ministry for Education, Trade & Industry has released a report into the knock-on effects.
Perhaps the most visible of these effects is the high number of vacancies popping up throughout the city. Grotty looking buildings located near train stations are facing a tough time looking for new tenants as the traditional tenants, massage businesses and language schools, shut up shop – perhaps never to come back.
“What we are seeing is erotic massage experts and language instructors being forced to return home while the new breed of instructors, who don’t even live in Japan, are picking up their work,” explained Hokei. “Sooner or later the authorities are going to have to step in to right the market, otherwise the owners of all those decrepit looking buildings are going to be forced to spend money to attract tenants who care about things like exposed wiring, clean carpet, and having a sporting chance of surviving indoor fires.”