Disgusting. Unattractive. Gross. Weird. Unfashionable. Ugly. Unfortunate. Stale. Jerry Grinter has heard all of these words and more uttered in close proximity to him quite often during his time in Tokyo. More painful for him is that the words are sometimes coming out of the mouths of beautiful women.
“In places like Thailand and Vietnam the local women go wild for me,” explained the 34 year old Albertan, his scalp shining despite the darkened woke café interior. “They see baldness not just as a sign of virility, but also nobility. Prince William, in particular, helps a lot in maintaining this image. In Japan, however, a bald man is bottom of the pile. That’s why you see so many rugs from hell when you’re on the subway here.
“Basically, Japanese women don’t get wet over the sight of a bald man. They think bald men are old and creepy, and probably unable to perform adequately. On the other hand, it’s not all doom and gloom for the follicly challenged in Japan. The advantages are, of course, that saucy old British comedian Benny Hill is barely known so the chances of being slapped about the scalp are minimal.”
Reduced to wearing pork pie hats and flat caps when he ventures into Tokyo’s more fashionable areas, Grinter has learnt to try picking up young ladies in city parks rather than chasing them in exclusive nightclubs.
“Yoyogi Park is probably where I have most success. The girls there tend to be racier and more agreeable to capping off an afternoon’s drinking in a disabled toilet at sunset. When chasing skirt during the day, few women question why I’m wearing a hat. Without any head-covering though, I couldn’t even get laid at a Bruce Willis Appreciation Event in a club filled with ugly chicks. That’s the reality that I face in this unforgiving city every weekend.”
According to local historic sex expert Sarashi Matashita, baldness was considered macho 300 years ago, and could see a comeback in our lifetime. “According to poetry of ancient Nara, women of the court would hunger for the love of a bald man following a legendary afternoon when three chonmage samurai ravished a dozen maidens in a carefully maintained garden. Baldness also indicated an absence of headlice, which could be devastating for a long haired lady back in those days.”
Matashita expressed sympathy for crome-domes by pointing out the lack of sexy bald Japanese stars, but he also offered a glimmer of hope for the follicly challenged. “We’ve always seen dead fashions come back after prolonged periods of being ridiculed. The same goes for hairstyles. By my reckoning, baldnesss is due to come full-circle during the next decade. Until then, however, all those cue balls just have to accept that they are grossly undesirable in the eyes of an astonishingly large number of Japanese women.”