First it was the tattoo ban, and then it was the annoying pick-up ban. The result is that dickheads, little turds, wankers, and miscellaneous ne’er-do-wells have been sent packing, leaving only gentleman remaining at Shonan Beach following a successful police-led campaign which wrapped up yesterday. “I haven’t seen any guys pestering women, hoping for a frolic in the water, at all this week,” beamed Chibusa Burasagari, head of the twelve-person task force. “I’m delighted to see these girls being free to get completely plastered next to the ocean in a safe and comfortable way.”
For years any young woman has had to put up with largely unwanted harassment whenever they’ve come to Shonan to swim (although the word “swim” is being used here in the broad sense of being physically in a body of water which is knee-deep or more). And, while sexual assaults are extremely rare, for many women a day at Shonan has meant strange men brushing up against their arms, breasts, and buttocks, quite often when the woman is making her way back to her towel with a drink and a food tray, completely defenceless.
“It’s a weird feeling, but it’s a good feeling,” said 20 year old Biko Kasashita from Machida. “All we have now are beta-males and homosexuals sharing the beach with us girls. There are a few older western guys shamelessly mentally undressing us, and I’m fine with that. It makes me feel like a woman. As for the local shy guys though, their reluctance to engage with us just makes me worried about the future demographic make-up of Japan. Our population is expected to decrease to around 110.92 million by 2040, fall below 100 million to 99 million by 2053, and drop to 88 million by 2065.
“Young Japanese people need to get down to business in a hurry,” continued the full-bodied engineering student. “Remembering me in this cute bikini when you’re alone tonight and bashing one out isn’t going to help. According to the 2015 Population Census, the working-age population has fallen to 77 million. Soon every convenience store will be staffed by South-East Asians. When that happens, interacting with foreigners will have become unavoidable. Do we really want that in Japan? This is a question these shy guys need to ask themselves. They’re on full-time contracts, right? They can afford to keep a potential bunny-boiler like me and two kids.”
Not all beach-goers share Kasashita’s concerns about the population decline though. Thick-lipped 21 year old company employee Aino Itonami has too many collections on her mind to focus on anything else. “I’ve just acquired my 85th Happy Set toy, and my J-Soul Brothers accessories need an extra shelf to display them all. I’m happy that no guys are persistently asking me to jump in the water with them, but that’s where my interest ends. I leave that kind of stuff (the topic of population decline) to people who do stuff like read books and stuff,” she explained.
Balding yet still handsome 48 year old Bostonian, Shannon Macnish, considers himself a distant onlooker in the goings on of the well-known beach. “It’s time for decency to come to the fore here. A new era can be nurtured along this strip of coastline, an era of common courtesy between the sexes,” urged the Kamakura resident of nine years. “There have been too many pick-up coaches working this area, who have spread evil sexual philosophy.
“Guys have to go back to the basics of showing respect and transparent intentions. They shouldn’t try to trick the girls. They shouldn’t be sticking any foreign objects into the girls. They should be saying to the girls things like, `I find your appearance enormously fascinating, and I’d long to spend time in conversation with you. Do your feelings, by any chance, reciprocate mine?’ They should be setting the bar high for the kind of discourse they desire in a relationship.”
Despite claims of success, some women are ambivalent about the new developments. Criminally hot 20 year old Kiku Gezai was keen to have her voice heard. “So the authorities are going to pat themselves on the back and move on to some other problem, like foreigners in Kamakura eating while walking. But, the truth is that the guys on the beach now are still pretty creepy,” explained the local pharmacy student. “The private security guys make out that they are our guardian angels, and try to get with me around sunset. They try to make you feel obligated for being protected. They have no social skills at all and just rely on their big muscles and disturbingly large chests. At least with a persistent pick-up artist you know the game that’s being played.”
The relationships are all now in the hands of the young, clean-skinned, well-mannered Japanese, and the authorities and the good citizens of Shonan are just hoping for a fresh start leading to healthy romances and dignified outcomes, rather than the foul and disgraceful scenes of lewd behaviour that have been on display over the past five or six decades.
It must be stressed that unplanned pregnancies are desired, but simply among responsible young people who have made small errors in judgement due to being overcome by lust. At this stage people are understandably pensive, as all it takes is one group of US military assholes, or a bunch of losers from distant Ageo or Kawaguchi, to destroy all the progress that has been made.
