Buggery jokes, fart jokes, and simulations of native people of northern regions of Canada urinating were met with indifference last night at The Hub in Ikebukuro near Seibu Department Store. For 32 year old friendless Australian Graham Neale, who had been told that if he couldn’t get laid at The Hub in Japan, then there was no hope for him, it was a nasty blow.
“I’ve really been practicing my Japanese writing lately, so that I could write down rude English words in katakana on napkins,” said a downcast Neale. “But, there was a lukewarm reaction to that. I think I was going over ploughed ground, to be honest.”
While Neale’s suspicions carry some credence (almost all Japanese female regulars at The Hub have heard every Japanese/English crossover pun a dozen times) he rued his decision not bring out any surfing stories or kangaroo boxing stories. “I should have gone with the Aussie ocker angle more to appeal to the women for whom North Americans have become passé.”
It wasn’t all bad news for the sex-starved Western Australian, however. Revered Tokyo pick-up artist Taiban Yuchaku casually observed Neale throughout the evening and reached out to offer words of encouragement via social media. “He held various girls’ interest at different stages of the night, which suggests that they don’t find him completely repulsive.
“What he needs to do is show his hands more though. This can separate him from Japanese guys who will sit like Easter Island statues during a blind date. I’d recommend using toothpicks to do a problem solving game. Hands can brush against each other during the game, which leads to intimacy every time I do it. Introducing such a game suggests that a man is intelligent and, as the stereotype goes, an intelligent man is often cashed up.”
Yuchaku also urged Neale to stay true to his roots. “He wants the girls to be constantly aware that he’s Australian? Well then, he ought to do what so many Australian guys do; teach the rules of Australian Football and go on and on about how Australian footballers are tougher than American footballers because they don’t wear padding. Reminding the girls that he’s played the game himself works too, even though he probably quit when he was 16 because he was too scared to mix it up on the field.
“Does the Aussie football tactic work? I don’t know, but it must because I’ve seen so many Aussie guys try it. Another tactic he should be using is guessing each other’s ages. Sure, it’s the most unoriginal conversation for most, but for a Japanese girl who has never read a newspaper and would fail the simplest of geography tests, it can be a winner. Some of the girls would even see such a game as a challenge.”
Buoyed by Yuchaku’s positive critique, Neale has dusted himself off and is now set to head out to The Hub establishments on the west side of Ikebukuro station. He’s got a chest full of confidence and plans to back himself against the resident Turkish customer base to score. “I just need to tune into the local philosophy and make some existential adjustments to my approach. I’m going to rant about Japanese girls not being able to French kiss properly, and hope that there’ll be one girl who takes the bait.”