Sick to the back teeth with the carry on between their respective leaders, a group of assertive old men from eastern Asia will be sitting down together in Singapore this week to work on a plan that they hope will ultimately lead to peace, harmony, understanding, and mutual respect in the region. The unofficial talks are set to include representatives from China, North Korea, South Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam and The Philippines.
“We’re tired of seeing our leaders posturing and playing political games, so we are coming together to see if we can overcome our differences and come up with some kind of diplomatic solution that we can present to the media,” explained Mie-born Jun Chitsuheki, who at 64 years of age is the youngest participant.
As the talks will be covering a number of potential flashpoints, a code-of-behaviour has been drawn up which all representatives are expected to swear to prior to talks commencing. It is understood that all participants must recognize that: they are all human, they are all heterosexual with healthy sex lives, they were all born to men and women who were married, they all have penises of above average size, and their mothers have never regularly performed fellatio on non-Asian men.
It is believed that with the code-of-behavior, the talks will remain on track throughout the duration, without the necessity of casting aspersions on anyone’s ideology, family background or personal lifestyle choices. “While an immediate launch into an all-in-brawl sounds like a lot of fun, we all know that it wouldn’t be very productive,” said Chitsuheki, who admitted to having learnt a few choice insults in “various languages” nonetheless.
Many observers say that they are looking forward to lively discussions, although there is some doubt as to just how much the representatives from Taiwan, Vietnam and The Philippines will contribute. According to one anonymous source, the Chinese delegation has strongly suggested that participants from those countries take on unobtrusive, passive roles for the talks “unless they want to get what’s coming to them”.