In response to poor behaviour by visitors from overseas, the Japanese government announced that tourists would soon be assigned minders upon arrival in the country. “The current situation has forced this upon us, to be honest,” explained spokesman Jun Tawagoto at Friday’s press conference in Kasumigaseki. “I’d like to call it a government initiative, but that’s not the case. We are simply reacting to an issue that regularly features on daytime television. I’d be lying if I said that we had a clear goal.”
Under the new policy, each tourist will be assigned a “Cultural Compliance Officer,” or as locals have already dubbed them, “The Politeness Police.” These minders will shadow visitors 24/7, ensuring they don’t litter, overcrowd public transport, or attempt to force geishas into selfies. “Think of it as a personal guide to omotenashi, except instead of anticipating your needs, they’ll anticipate your missteps,” Tawagoto quipped.
The announcement, which has sparked memories of how Russia handled curious useful idiots in the past, has been met with mixed reaction. Some locals in Kyoto, where overtourism has turned tranquil gardens into mosh pits, are cautiously optimistic. “Maybe now I can ride the bus without hearing someone yell ‘Golly gee! Check that out!’ upon seeing a funky-looking vending machine,” said a Kyoto resident who wished to remain anonymous.
Meanwhile, in Tokyo, a 7-Eleven manager shrugged, noting that his store had already adapted by labelling rice balls in English for confused foreigners. “If the minders can stop tourists from asking if our onigiri is sushi, and also step in when one of those complete morons tries to arrange a date with one of our staff members, I’m all for it,” he said.
However, not everyone is on board. Jason Gibson, a 29-year-old New Yorker who recently enjoyed a mock Japanese high school experience in Kimitsu City, said the policy was a bit over the top. “I came here to live my anime dreams, not to be babysat,” he protested, still wearing his borrowed school uniform. “What’s next, a minder to stop me from striking up a conversation about Tottoro with a hot 18 year old who’s simply trying to get through her commute in peace?”
The government has yet to clarify how the minders will be selected or trained, but Tawagoto hinted at a rigorous vetting process. “We’re looking for individuals with the patience of a saint, the sternness of a schoolteacher, and the ability to smile through gritted teeth,” he said. Some speculate that the program might be a covert way to get hikikomori out and about, with thousands of new jobs opening up for “tourist wranglers.” Others have suggested that the government will recruit by simply acquiring a list of those who didn’t make the cut at Tokyo Disney.
Adding to the chaos, the timing couldn’t be worse. A notorious union has infiltrated the Nippon Ham Fighters cheer girls, and they’re threatening strike action over the right to introduce a new dance as they’re all bored out of their minds doing the fox dance between innings. Union activity is something that the tourism industry has always feared, however nobody expected cheer girls to be on the front line.
“There always has to be commies getting in the way at all levels,” groaned a travel agent in Paris. “French people visit Japan to escape workers burning tires and welding trains to tracks. My clients just want to see cute girls dancing, cute girls playing guitar, and cute girls selling themselves in Kabukicho. They definitely do not want to be trailed by a government babysitter tut-tutting them.”
Rumors of an international movement to encourage a pull-back on the new measures are swirling. Bangladesh, India, Nepal, Pakistan, and Sri Lanka are said to be forming an alliance. “Men… err… people… deserve the right to enjoy their time in Japan,” asserted Kasai resident Duleep Sharma. “They don’t want to be constantly told to pay the full train fare, refrain from taking photos of schoolgirls, and keep their hands to themselves. I assume that’s what these minders will be saying to everyone who comes here. That is why this group of countries from all parts of the world are concerned about this.”
As Japan gears up for its ambitious goal of 60 million annual visitors by the end of the decade, the minder program may be just the beginning. Whispers of additional measures, like a “no selfie” zone in Shibuya and a ban on pasty-white westerners wearing kimonos, are already circulating. For now, tourists planning a trip to Japan might want to develop sophisticated drinking skills, learn to dress a little more sophisticated, and – in the case of Australians – learn to speak with a more sophisticated accent.
