Paul Foschini is back. He’s back at high school in Kanagawa and enjoying his teaching once again after an anxious spring break. At the end of the 2024/25 school year, there had been concerns that Paul’s creepy record was finally hitting tipping point. But, in a land where teachers can avoid prison time altogether and get quietly moved on after banging a student, Paul has his twelve month contract safely in his breast pocket.
Fearing that his behaviour, his statements (“Some of these girls really know to rock a uniform,” and, “If I were ten years younger, I’d be deeper than Jacques Cousteau in that class”), and his general gazing habits had caught up with him, Foschini had been checking airfares for a one-way ticket to Brisbane via Thailand. A buttock fondling incident, where he was found to have caressed a 16 year old girl’s backside, is all in the past after the hierarchy accepted his excuse that he had mistaken a short pleated skirt for his poorly placed tartan-patterned concertina file.
Foschini’s plans aren’t all geared towards keeping his innermost desires in check, however. An avid guitarist and singer/songwriter, Foschini still has plans to come up with more songs. “I’ll make an effort to continue to play my acoustic guitar in a park after school while chugging beers, but I won’t be choosing to do that in the park located between the school and the train station. I’ll also be clearing out my hard-drive, but I have to make sure that I don’t recklessly delete pics of my wife and daughter at the same time.
“Yes – things weren’t looking rosy after the buttock fondling scandal, but now I’m looking forward to the 2025/26 school year, and my goals are not to ride in the school elevator with a student, not to have unnecessary conversations with students in hallways during the ten minute breaks, not to take loads of photographs of students during sports day, and not to make moves on any teachers, especially if they’re married,” beamed the 38 year old Queenslander.
A man known to be discerning in his choice of sacrifices, Foschini outlined his intentions to hang on to at least one other habit. “My all-nighters in Roppongi before a morning schedule will probably remain in my regime. Sure, I may stink like a Nui Dat brothel when I stagger into school, but it gives a certain edge to the class, which students wouldn’t get with a responsible, professionally-minded teacher.”
Not content to simply renew the controversial teacher’s contract, the school has decided to assign him more lessons this year. Faculty head Hizamazuku Kareshimae explained that the injection of color and dynamism was behind the decision. “He brings that je ne sais quoi to the lessons. As you know, most foreign teachers here often have all the personality of a worm’s desiccated semen. We know he’s a Section 8, a FUBAR, but if we wanted quality we wouldn’t be recruiting from within Japan where you can almost certainly only find deadbeat beta losers. As long as he doesn’t hover too long at the base of the staircase to get a glimpse of panties we believe we can handle him.”
