It has come to light that half a dozen bored English teachers have been telling students for years about a completely fake milestone that is “celebrated” in western countries. The practice of teaching the made-up custom, called a “Confessionanism”, has been going on for years, and it was only through an investigation carried out by a humourless, by-the-book middle manager that the conspiracy was exposed.
According to a leaked paper, the teachers have taught hundreds of business students about the fictional custom after coming up with the idea during a long drinking session at a well-known British chain pub. 43 year old Sandy Coughlan, who bravely followed up on vague student comments related to the “custom”, said that it was a disgusting idea conceived by a bunch of immature men who should know better. She expressed concern over the damage that the practice has caused, as well as shedding light on the bizarre story.
“The Confessionansism is supposed to be a custom where people who, upon turning 60 years of age, announce the names of ten people who they’ve thought about while pleasuring themselves,” explained a terse-faced Coughlan. “They told students that it was largely, but not only, men who observed the custom. They also said that the confessions were made at 60th birthday parties attended by family and friends, with each name being met with enthusiastic oohs and aahs from the revellers. They peddled the idea that people generally applauded loudly after all ten names had been read out. It was said that the advantage of revealing the lists at the age of 60 was that it would still be possible for the news to reach people like former Sunday School teachers, friends’ mothers, and local news readers while they were still alive.”
Coughlan went on to reveal that some students had actually adopted the custom and announced their own lists of wank fantasies at their own 60th birthday parties. “One impressionable man revealed stuff that was beyond humiliating. He talked about dedicating loads to his sister and one of his aunties. He went as far as to include the scenarios and the clothes that they were wearing. If I recall correctly, he always thought about his sister in a skirt and knee-high boots, and his auntie in her yoga pants. God only knows what went through their minds when they heard all of this come out at his Confessionanism. And, yes, I do feel just a little dirty having to use this word. I’m only saying it because I have to.”
One of the conspiracists, who would only talk on the condition that he be allowed to use the pseudonym “Raj” (although readers should take care not assume his background on the basis of that pseudonym), stated that it was all a bit of harmless fun which developed beyond their control. “I think we should look at this as a guide to how much our students’ comprehension skills improved during their courses,” said the 37 year old JAV enthusiast. “It should also serve as a guide as to how to get students engaged in their language studies. Just look at our results; we’ve seen half a dozen marriages ruined due to these Confessionanisms. How about that guy who gave a shout out to all his art teachers from elementary school, junior high school, high school, high school, and college! The entire time he was only doing art in order to satisfy his fetish! What a madlad!
“We covered our bases by agreeing on the origins of the custom too. When the question was asked, we told students that the custom harkened back to Victorian England, when promiscuity wasn’t so prevalent. There were women spinsters who died as virgins which was really sad. Anyway, we told everyone that to cheer the lonely librarians and nurses up, men would confess to having beaten their bishops while thinking about them in their younger days. We told everyone that that’s how the custom started. We also told everyone not to go looking on the Internet as it was so deep and spiritual that nobody wrote about it.
“As for the limit of ten names, we explained to students that some Confessionanisms had included up to forty or fifty names. In some cases, we explained, almost every woman in the village was being named. Nasty! Therefore, it became expedient and much less creepy to introduce a limit. That’s what we told hundreds of our students, and lots of them ate it up. It was all in good fun, and not that much harm was done. The people who got divorced probably would have got divorced for some other reason at some point.”
None of this impressed the indefatigable Coughlan, however. “It is clear that this perverted little game has had far-reaching repercussions, and I feel that it is my duty to make sure that the teachers responsible are duly punished. I would not lose any sleep if they are disproportionately punished, to be honest. Their behaviour has been appalling, and it could even harm the integrity of the English language teaching industry in Japan.” Keen to make her own position clear on the matter, Coughlan made a pre-emptive strike on malicious gossip that could possibly greet the outrageous news. “May I just add that, before any nasty rumours spread, I’m not getting all high and mighty and ranting about all of this just because none of these students have included me in their Top 10.”