Locals in shock: Westerner reveals that he knows the name of a famous Japanese person

Satomi standing empty handed while taking a break from spruiking the subway, beer, cosmetics, or her latest unwatchable drama.

About a dozen drinkers in a bar in Chiba were shocked, but thrilled, on Saturday evening when they discovered that their Australian companion was familiar with a star local actress.

“All I said was that I was aware of Ishihara Satomi, as her face can be seen in just about every train carriage and during every other commercial break on TV,” explained 34 year old Brayden Liptak.  “But, everyone around me suddenly started muttering excitedly to each other.”

Ishihara suited up in a desperate attempt to save HMV from creditors.

Local easy lay Moe Aibiki appeared more than impressed with the foreigner’s knowledge of the country that he’s called home for more than a decade.  “He’s not Japanese, yet he actually knows a famous Japanese person.  Wow!”  The seasoned drinker added that she would bang Liptak just for that fact alone. 

Another bar regular, Inbu Kyokubu, expressed a similar level of amazement.  “He knows a lot about Japan.  I’ve even seen him order shochu by specifying the exact type he prefers.  (He’s) great.” 

The Midas Touch: A pensive Satomi prior to another long day promoting some kind of consumer good to the masses.

Liptak, who moved to Japan from Adelaide years ago after learning that he could get a job teaching without the need to be constantly aware of drug, alcohol, and violence protocols, didn’t really know what to make of the high regard in which he is now held at the bar. 

Keen to get it across that he’s no Last Samurai figure, Liptak stressed his extreme unremarkableness.  “All I do is walk around with my eyes open to the world around me.  I see a good looking woman on the screen in the train carriage, and I find out her name so I can check out the saucy pics online.  End of story.”

All female stars in Japan are forced to go through the gruelling kimono shoot.

The owner of the bar isn’t having any of the South Australian’s modesty, however.  “Until Liptak walked into my bar, I just assumed every white man was in Japan to laugh at us men and spread their seed amongst the women,” said Junpaku Seifuku.  “Now I know that among all that milk drinking vermin, there is one white man who is different, and he is our unicorn.  He values our culture, and he’s always welcome in my bar… just so long as he doesn’t bring any other whiteys through my door.”

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