Anyone who has learnt a second language will probably recall an experience where they’ve made a howling error whilst attempting to communicate with others. We’ve all heard the story about the man mistakenly calling a server’s mother a filthy harlot while trying to order a coffee and cake. And you’ve probably heard the one about the lady unknowingly inviting a policeman to ravish her back at her hotel when trying to ask for directions.
It’s no different here in Japan either, as 45 year old Geoff Shrimpton has made everyone in his immediate circle, outer circle, and vicinity in restaurants aware over the past two decades by telling the same slightly amusing story once a month. “Has it really been that long?” he asked. “My friends tell me that they’ve heard the story so many times over the years, but I can’t believe that it was 1999 when it happened.”
As the Dunedin native eagerly regaled, “One night when my then girlfriend was getting into bed I told her that I had just masturbated, but the reality was that, rather than stroking my sausage, I had actually just farted.” The uncharismatic Kiwi then went on to explain the similarity in pronunciation while unsuccessfully trying to stifle giggles.
“She actually believed that I’d just knocked one out while she was showering and prettying herself in anticipation of some hot love action. I only realized that I’d used the wrong, albeit similar sounding word when she reacted with disproportionate dismay. And she didn’t even notice the smell of foul, anally-emitted, Thai curry gas.
“Seriously, you just had to be there because her face was a picture of disappointment and confusion. Looking back at it all now, I wish someone else had been there to share the experience, someone like an adventurous female college student or a broad-minded bank clerk still in her uniform. We could have shared the laughter and much, much more. Yeah… That would have been nice.”
Realizing that everyone has heard his wank/fart story at least once, Shrimpton is now concentrating on telling the story about how his cute friend had once told him that she “ate out her sister in Shinjuku last night.”