Suginami ward resident Angus Voss has a new girlfriend and she’s beautiful, engaging, and well-bosomed. She ticks all the important boxes. Well, just about all of them.
Voss, a 30 year old Canadian, dumped his last girlfriend after only a month. “She was porn-star beautiful, but her top lip was paper-thin,” he explains. “I didn’t know how to kiss her without things getting awkward. She was very attentive, but… the lips… . What can I say? I’m a guy who likes kissing passionately, even aggressively. A thin lip represents an obstacle to my sexual fulfilment.”
Bouncing back from the thin-lipped hottie, the buffed ice-hockey enthusiast has hooked up with Kayo, another attractive young lady from western Tokyo who comes with a good set of lips, yet comes with another kind of oral complication. “She’s got the body and the lips, but it’d be good if she brushed her teeth a little more often,” says Voss unempathetically. “Her teeth definitely need a bit of work done, and I wish her well in paying for that. That’s not all though. Throughout the day she seems to put some nasty stuff into that mouth; stuff like cup ramen or soba, and she’s washing that down with some of that bottom-of-the-barrel coffee or green tea that they have in her office. I don’t think she’s eating natto prior to seeing me, but it’s bad enough as it is.”
Little cultural differences can become bigger very quickly in intimate relationships, as Ushigome University’s Adjunct Professor Kasei Houkei pointed out while providing an insight into the difficulties young couples may experience. “It’s tough for a young Japanese woman when she’s hooking up with her first western boyfriend.
“A Japanese hottie will spend her formative years being complimented non-stop. She’s worshipped to the point of having foul-minded creeps spurt their seed onto her skirt when she’s gormlessly staring at her phone on the train. Then she’ll run head-first into an unforgiving relationship with a western man who will expect various things such as more sex, more everyday general knowledge which extends to some historical awareness of what happened at Pearl Harbor (and which side Japan fought on), and western standards for oral hygiene.
“Your average western man will happily go down on a woman immediately after she’s played in a squash tournament, but will hesitate to kiss her with an open mouth if she’s eaten a few garlic prawns. It can be hard for the woman to know where to stand. It’s like a game of soccer being refereed by a South American in the first half, and then by a European in the second half. The rules are the same, but the interpretation can change drastically. It can be harrowing for the Japanese girl, who may only be able to adjust to all of this during her relationship with her third or even fourth western boyfriend.”
Voss’s woes aren’t unique in Tokyo’s expat dating jungle, where apps like Tinder and Pairs churn out results faster than a gyudon shop at lunch hour. According to local dating coach Miki Shiru, hygiene quirks top the list of dealbreakers for Western men in Japan. “I’ve had clients dump dates over bad breath, funky cologne, even the way someone chews,” she says. “One guy swore he’d never date another girl who drank matcha lattes – he claimed they stain teeth.”
Meanwhile, Kayo might have her own gripes. Sources close to the couple say she’s less than thrilled with Voss’s post-hockey protein shakes, which she describes as “like kissing a sweaty gym sock.” Clearly, love in Suginami ward requires a strong stomach, and maybe a stronger toothpaste.
