In a country where simply asking a short, simple question in English can scare the daylights out of people, a new target of fear has emerged; one man’s ultra-sexy derrière. Dennis Bradmore is an unassuming 34 year old from Toronto whose parents moved there from Trinidad when he was just a little baby. They moved there to give their children a bright, rosy future full of opportunity, but then Dennis broke their hearts by moving to Japan to teach English.
“I had to walk up and down a lot of steep slopes during my commute to elementary school,” explains Bradmore. “I’ve never gone out of my way to enhance my bottom, like some kind of Los Angeles gym bunny who then dons lycra to stroll through the local shopping area showing the whole world his package. I was blessed with the right DNA though, and my buttocks must have been helped by the cricket bowling practice that my my father forced on me. Too bad I disappointed him by losing all interest in the sport when I was fourteen.”
Bradmore arrived in Japan with his Japanese wife Shinobu four years ago and immediately did his best to blend in with the locals. With such dreamy buns, however, it was always going to be a tough task. “I made my local stand-up bar debut where I mingled with the local dropkicks. They seemed to avoid me though, as if I had AIDS or something. I couldn’t work it out. I guess I ended up assuming that racism was a factor.”
Bradmore’s assumption turned out to be extremely wide of the mark. Sure, his drinking companions were a pretty narrow-minded bunch, but it was more a problem of the shape of his ass rather than the color of it. Bradmore hadn’t experienced such a reaction over physical appearance since he introduced his girlfriend to his parents. On that occasion his father expressed sadness over his girlfriend’s small breasts, but Bradmore’s ass has brought out a completely different set of emotions amongst those surrounding him.
“I only really found out about the fear factor when I commenced a physical relationship with the Mama-san from the bar. She couldn’t keep her hands off my ass, and she eventually told me of the power that it held, and the power that she was trying to possess. To be honest, I didn’t know what to say in response to that.”
One local old guy took time out from cycling up and down the main street with no apparent reason to discuss Bradmore. “He’s a pretty ordinary looking guy,” said Masataka Wakasagi. “If I ever happened to have a female in my life, I wouldn’t be too worried about him stealing her away from me. But, when you see his backside you can see that it must be very alluring to so many young ladies who want to get to grips with it. My ass is flat. I want to wear trousers like Gene Kelly, but I can’t fill them. This Canadian’s buttocks only remind me of my rear shortcomings.”
Shishunki Obeka, another regular patron of the downmarket, no-frills bar offered another similar perspective. “We Japanese cannot help but feel inferior to a man with such masculine buns. We have padded bras in abundance in this country. Why can’t we have padded underpants to give us more confidence? Over the past fifty years Japanese height, breasts, and muscles have all been growing at an impressive rate. Isn’t it time for our buttocks to take shape?
“Some Japanese guys do have dreamy buttocks. We’re talking about those famous baseballers like Ichiro, Matsui and Ohtani. They’re out there representing us on the big stage, and they’re doing their bit to build the self-esteem of their Japanese brothers back home. Too many of us are at home playing games and playing with ourselves. We should have the courage to strut and swagger like the white guys and the black guys in North America. That comes from the confidence of having a super ass, and that’s what we are lacking.”
Ushigome University Psychology Faculty Senior Lecturer, Professor Misugi Nogizaka, asserted that it wasn’t unusual to see such a reaction to beautifully constructed body parts. “I’ve spent hours monitoring the behaviour of peacocks, who display loads of antagonism toward others with more dynamic plumage,” he explained between sips of green tea and occasional nibbles of manju. “It gets really nasty. In a similar vein, I’ve even noticed this among kangaroos who sport perhaps the most visible set of testicles out of all animals. They’ll distance themselves from the one with the biggest, heaviest set of plums. So, it’s not just seen in Japanese men with tiny asses.”
For Bradmore, an unwitting source of both admiration and anger, an uneasy balance in his life continues. “It’s like walking along a tightrope when I go into the bar these days,” he says with a touch of exasperation. “Have I become more conscious of my bum? Yes. Am I prouder of it? Kind of. Do I exercise in order to enhance or maintain its sexiness? No. Do I spend more time asking myself questions about it? Yes. But, I’d like to remind people that there’s more to me than just a shapely backside. I am a person with plenty of anecdotes to tell, and jokes to share. I’m a pleasure to be around, and my wife lets me lead my life the way that I desire. I would urge people to approach me for engaging conversation; all people, including men. Although, deep down, I’d prefer to spend time with open-minded women aged between 25 and 35, even 40 if I’m going through a drought.”