“She turned me down without comprehending the situation, her situation. She needs to know that I can get laid on a rainy Tuesday night in Nagoya, and that would be with a person that I found sexually desirable. Could she say the same thing? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the answer would be no.”
Vermont-born stud Jake Hamilton pulled no punches as he described the socio-dynamic circumstances into which he wandered in impossibly cool Ebisu last Saturday night. Jake was shot down in flames after repeatedly inviting an “ok looking chick” who has “probably watched too much Friends and Sex & The City” back to his plush pad near Roppongi Ichome Station.
“Does she seriously think that she can do better than me in Tokyo?” pondered Jake as he began punching down on people whose parents weren’t blessed with the means to pay their way through college. “Is she prepared to go with a canon-fodder ranked marine or, even worse, a kindergarten teacher!? By inviting her back to my well-furnished, spacious apartment in Minato-ku, I was doing her a service. Do you get what I’m saying? There was a power balance there that she wasn’t recognising. I really hope she was happy sleeping alone on the futon rolled out on her tatami in a building which creaks unnervingly when a truck rolls by.”
It was at this point that Jake turned philosophical. “A big thing in getting laid, in all dating for that matter, is the human element – and that is unpredictability. It is said that beautiful women go with beautiful men, and average women go with average men. That’s supposed to be nature’s natural selection, so to speak. But, it’s not always the case. Just ask people like Mel Brooks, Billy Joel, and the vast horde of ordinary looking white guys in Japan who date attractive Japanese women.”
Jake says that this incident was simply an example of a handsome guy with an impressive success rate encountering a woman with ambitious expectations for a sex partner. “Her way of thinking, wishful though it may be regarded now, is probably in its last days of being rational. In a year or two such a description would probably be generous. And by that I mean that she’s going to be considered… y’know… I’d prefer not to say it, but she’ll probably be walking the same path as Norma Desmond, Madonna, and Princess Diana if she were still alive. We’ll never know for sure about Princess Diana, of course, but she’d probably be embarrassing herself in some way just like the others.”
Although unreligious, Jake set about delivering a mea culpa of rather deep proportions. “It is difficult to maintain a 90% success rate when targeting one particular demographic which is known to be discerning. You can see that there are many aspects of nanpa to consider. I need a more considered approach, concentration over longer periods, a realisation that near-enough is not good enough, more attention to detail, eradication of mistakes, and perseverance even if mistakes are made, and the knowledge that approaches based on assumptions can never be successful approaches.”
After days of painstaking research, I managed to track down the woman who rebuffed Jake thanks to his sharp memory and the incredibly accurate description (“kinda cute in a meticulous librarian way with breasts of passable size, but definitely not hot or anything”) that he provided. So, after inquiring as to why she had declined Jake’s invitation to accompany him back to his plush apartment, she explained succinctly that he had come across as “a bit of a dick”.