Special report from South Korea
Amidst all the cigar smoking and backslapping following the successful prosecution of a low-brow nuisance streamer, it has been revealed that authorities expect this to be a harbinger of more to come. And they are ready for it.
“We all know that once all those cashed-up westerners are done with Japan, they’re going to head here,” explained retired policeman Kim Jung-jae gently but with a deadeye stare. “I just want you to know that if anyone wants to get cheeky with us, we’ll be happy to break out the tear gas, batons, and nasty taekwondo moves that’ll have you sobbing for your mama. You’ll find out quick smart that it’s not all spicy chicken and cute chicks with small titties in super choreographed performances here in South Korea.”
Jung-jae continued without a trace of a smile, “Don’t come here and perform a haka in the middle of Myeongdong. Don’t steal a bicycle. Don’t throw a bicycle in front of a garbage truck. And for the love of God, don’t try to joyride on the back of one like you’re in a budget Fast & Furious sequel. If you feel the sudden urge to dance in a subway carriage or belt out a song in a 7-Eleven, congratulations – we’ve prepared a private, solo performance for you in one of those rancid jail cells like what you see in the movies. Ooh yeah… Some of our correctional facilities are still very much third world. This is something that everyone should keep in mind.
“You have to remember that some South Koreans live in squalor. We’ve got squatter camps where things are ten times more desperate than those in The Grapes of Wrath. If you want to come here and behave Somali-style, our legal system will make you just as poor as one of the residents there. You see, we’re technically at war here and we’ll happily use your ass as the frontline in one of our training exercises,” continued Jung-jae, who lists his favourite movies as Full Metal Jacket, Pulp Fiction, and Glengarry Glen Ross.
“We’ll have you yelping and wailing and thinking about running north through landmine impregnated fields, with scant regard for your safety, like an American soldier defecting so as to avoid a tour in Vietnam,” said the terrifyingly expressionless square-jawed veteran of law enforcement, his voice providing absolutely no hint of emotion.
“Maybe we’ll go too hard on you and you’ll end up in a quaint hospital being attended to by a beautiful nurse, whose crisp white uniform will gently brush against your arm, and you’ll feel warm in sunshine’s glove. And that’s when we’ll bust into your sweet dreams and start the treatment all over again. We’ll make you want to trade all those online clicks, views, and subscriber numbers for a glimpse of freedom, which you won’t get.
“It pains me to think that our contribution to the good fight during the Vietnam War is often overlooked. Our soldiers developed a particularly brutal reputation which preceded them wherever they went. I won’t allow history to forget this, and one way to prevent this from happening is to use any smart ass western clown to remind everyone just how vengeful we can be. To this end, we’ll give you a special K-Pop lesson in singing and dancing in hot pants. Oh yes! We’ll teach you how to sing like a wounded canary and dance like a cat on hot bricks. As for the hot pants, I’m sure we can find a way to make them chafe with every step you take.”
“Happy travels, now,” signed off Jung-jae with a touch of icy sincerity. “Stick to the paths. Obey the signs. And for the sake of your ribcage and your dignity… maybe don’t livestream. Seriously, don’t mess with a country where it’s still technically legal to eat dog.”
