Last month’s in-depth article about tour guide Todd Featherby’s fall from grace has resulted in a huge response from readers from around the world, most who just wanted juicier stories about famous people. Pathetic, really. Anyway, although showing regret over his decision to spill his guts to us last month, Featherby apparently had nothing better to do than to address your enquiries. So, it’s over to you, dear readers…
Dezső Kárpáti, Hungary: Did you end up getting a tip out of George Clooney?
TF: Let me tell you – yes! He gave me a couple of crisp notes and then Amal suggested a beer in the park. The Clooneys both had a can of Ebisu, while I had a Green label Kirin! Now, this drink is really disgusting. It’s the preferred beverage of the Ibaragi warehouse worker. I can’t stand the stuff, so I just took tiny sips while chatting away with them. I thought George would be a good sport about it, but he refused to make eye contact with me throughout the 20 minutes that we spent chilling in the park.
Pedro Anselmo, Uruguay: What was the frostiest exchange between Morrissey and Johnny Marr?
TF: Oh wow! Where do I start? Morrissey would just relate everything back to when he was a big star in America in the 90’s. He’d say stuff like, “I was told about this shrine when I was in Chicago in 1993, just after I’d played my second sold out show there. The crowd loved those shows more for the great guitar riffs than my singing, really.” Marr, for his part, would go in deep by saying, “Shall I ring the bell at this place, or do you want to? I’m asking because we don’t want you running back home to your mum like you did while recording our last album.” They both traded barbs like, “This tori gate is enormous, almost as big as your ego, eh Moz.” It was back and forth all day.
Juma Lumago, Uganda: How annoying did Ed Norton get during the tour?
TF: Ed’s one of those people who knows if it’s left over right or right over left when putting on a yukata. He chooses to take a dump in a Japanese toilet. He knows the type of flowers associated with mourning. I lost patience when he talked about the Japanese words which hadn’t an English equivalent. I managed to offer English words or phases each time which he did not like at all. We’re talking about hatanai (fleeting), mizore (sleet), and komorebi (sunlight filtering through the trees). Ed didn’t like that and then talked about how, as an actor, he had a special relationship with the essence of words and phrases on an existential level. Make of that what you will.
Elita Jurkjāne, Latvia: Did you get intimate with any of the people on your tours?
TF: I had the chance with a couple of fading stars. I had a lovely day out with a woman who I got along really well with. We had been sharing jokes and stories, and then she said to me, “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” So, I took her to one of those garish host clubs where those over-coiffed gigolos get women to order over-priced champagne. With the glitter balls and the stench of hairspray and cologne, she got sensory overload as soon as she walked into to place, and she hated it. She looked around for five minutes and then pouted at me, whining, “This isn’t what I meant.” Then she stormed off in a huff. I guess no one told her it was gonna be that way.
Shaina Faria Tisha, Bangladesh: Can you tell us more about the Neighborhood Harmony Preservation Society?
TF: Where shall I begin? They basically just exist, without doing anything of note, like Canada at a G7 summit. They’re a little bit like Neighborhood Watch, a little bit lefty NGO, a little bit Secret Police, a little bit bored retirees looking for a reason to get out of bed, and a little bit progressive group sex ring. You’ve really gotta be careful about approaching them. If you don’t get your timing right, well…
Moetai le Gayic, Tahiti: I applaud you on the way you spoke so diplomatically with regard to your celebrity clients. Having said that, however, I’d love to hear some dirt on Russell Crowe.
TF: A lot of rich people have bodyguards to keep the public away from them, but in the case of Russell Crowe, his minder is there to keep Russell away from the general public. Crowe liked the izakaya that I took him to. He liked the karaage, the yakitori, and the squid. He liked the sake too, both hot and cold. I mean… Crowe was a nice guy until the 10th glass of sake. He had lost count of how many red lanterns that he’d bought, and he accused me of stealing one while he was taking a pee. He just wouldn’t believe me no matter how many times I denied it. In the end he said, “I’d give you a tip, but it seems like you’ve already helped yourself to one.” He called me two days later to apologise after he’d checked his receipt. I accepted his apology, but you can’t forget something like that.
And that’s where we’ll leave Featherby, as he moves into the future, positioning himself to be fully prepared for when the beautiful people decide that the remote, kangaroo poo dotted Western Australian Goldfields is the place to visit.
