“I kneecap myself on a daily basis on the desks,” moans Darrell Pankhurst. “Both the desks and the chairs are too low for the bodies of modern people. The state of all the office furniture is awful, and the working conditions in general are absolutely appalling. Management doesn’t know what OH&S means. I find it abhorrent that we leave our homes and make our way to the this distant Oriental land, only to be treated like low ranking sailors on a Victorian era naval vessel. Our treatment is probably worse, to be honest, because we don’t receive a daily ration of fresh fruit and rum, and we don’t have an exercise regime featuring sea shanties.
Pankhurst has been in Japan for only three weeks, but that hasn’t stopped him from quickly summing up the situation with the brash assertiveness that he acquired through his public school education.“My colleagues aren’t of the right stock either. Some of them end sentences with prepositions, which I find absolutely ghastly. It doesn’t matter if they’re from Canada, America, or the Antipodes. These people butcher the language the same way a bunch of unruly Vietnamese peasants will butcher a buffalo.
“Most of all, however, I’m dismayed at the horrid selection of biscuits in the teachers room. I mean, they look like nice, round, yummy biscuits, but it’s a case of style over content. When you try to dunk these in tea, the biscuit falls apart in record time. That’s because there’s no substance to them here. The bread’s largely the same way, too. It’s a funny old world, isn’t it? I find that I can easily manage without my weekly walk through Hampstead Heath or my monthly dose of discipline from a stern-faced woman of Jamaican heritage. Yes, indeed. What I’ve found is that it’s the little things that really matter.
“Oh, what I’d do for a good pint of beer, a decent biscuit with tea, and a buxom woman with love handles just beginning to make the presence known, who you can roger from behind without getting her to position herself on a phonebook first. That brings me to the width of sandwiches. A BLT here does have bacon, lettuce, and tomato, but it’s a minimum of serving for each. Your typical Japanese sandwich could easily fit through a letter box opening. Package sizes reflect the breast sizes here. You’re just not getting enough. Ten tea bags in a pack!? Don’t make me laugh.”
Despite all the complaints, Pankhurst shakes his head when the suggestion of returning home is brought up. “That would be fine, except the people at my company here need me. If I’m not here, then the critical things won’t be done, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself heading home under those circumstances. Now… where was I… ? Oh, yes – restaurants; serving sizes in restaurants are a joke too. Who’s satisfied with 150 grams of mince in a hamburg steak with a minute portion of potato wedges? My goodness! They could measure everything with a teaspoon in this country. What on earth is going on in this bloody country? Are we experiencing a second Siege of Khartoum or something here!?”
