“How can something so wrong feel so good?” With the absence of vulnerable farm-stay college students this summer, it’s a question being asked in far- flung prefectures throughout the archipelago. It seems that sexual adventures with country-loving students have been replaced with sibling ribaldry. This disturbing phenomenon has come to light following the release of a report by tireless government researchers which focuses on Aomori, Fukui, and Kochi, although perennial leader Ibaragi remains firmly at the top of the ladder.
“Usually the city slicker students who come here just need a little coercion, and then it’ s party time,” explains veteran farmer Joseiki Setsujo. “Others come here with dreams of banging someone next to a rice field. Mind you, that’s something you only want to do once; mosquito bites in sensitive areas tend to be a deterrent. This year we haven’t had any naïve Tokyoites coming here, which is a shame. We’ve always been able to physically exploit them in one way or another.”
In some areas, undersexed teenage sons are getting a helping hand from people who really know them well. “My son Shunsuke denied that he was stressed. He said that his exam prep was going smoothly, but I knew better. Despite his pleas, I persisted and now I give him a good flogging off once a week,” gushes still attractive Rieko Ishiwatari. “I’m not sure who enjoys it more, to be honest.
“He shouts at me, telling me that he doesn’t want an orgasm from his mom, but that just drives me, and I give him extras like a gentle rake of the scrotum. You should see his pubic hair. It’s is the thickest fuzz I’ve ever seen. His resistance is flagging now, but there is definitely nothing else that’s flagging. Let me tell you! I know what he’s into more than he does. What can I say? Mom knows best!”
Professional local character Watami Shirokiya was keen to spin the story in the farming communities’ favor, “Us country people are laughed at for our old traditions. Usually we cash in on them, however. Do you know how many western tourists come here to see our lame stuff? It’s like taking money from a crack whore.”
Still grinning at his last observation, he adds, “So, is incest a custom here? Well, there are stories from ages ago. Some of them are pretty nasty, while others are admittedly quite titillating. We had districts where incest was treated with tacit approval, but that died out a long time ago. I haven’t heard of anything like that happening in the last five years at least.”
According to the explosive report, most of the incest occurring is between siblings in the bath, in the local river, and, perhaps most disturbingly, in the parents’ bed. Incest in the bath usually involves curious girls, soapy genitals and insistent touching which invariably results in over-excited boys being unable to hide their true feelings, before the line is crossed. For the most part, there is a great deal of shared self-disgust, but in rare cases they go on for a second, or even third, round.
With stories of brothers and sisters in high school uniforms making out spreading on the internet, it’s only a matter of time before even more weaboos from around the world steal money from their grandparents and head to Japan. The question, therefore, must be asked; Is rural Japan ready for the wave of geek voyeurs creeping through villages, hoping to hear the words “Nee-san! Saikou!” shouted by horny teenage boys?