With the school year drawing to a close this month, it’s become apparent to rookie language teacher David Scholes that scenes of Japanese teenagers making out can be found only in his dirty online world. The 26 year old also readily acknowledges that chances of him coming across any all-female couples kissing with their hands up one another`s skirts are now “closer to zero than to any whole number”.
Despite having conducted a great deal of research prior to coming to Japan, so far the Bristol University graduate’s acquired knowledge has not been of any benefit, with all his scouting leading to a dead end. “I’ve seen enough stuff online to know that the rooftop is where a lot of after school action takes place. So I’ve been popping up there every day after school under the pretense of getting good reception to call my parents. But there’s been nobody there, not even a teacher sneaking in a fag, let alone a cute girl confessing her love to the baseball captain.”
An avid fan of the teacher-student genre of erotic motion pictures, Scholes was quietly confident of getting amongst it himself in Japan. “It’s no secret that a visit to the school nurse can lead to a wonderful experience for a student, and a student asking for assistance with homework can lead to all kinds of unpredictable situations. So when a 3rd year student stayed behind after class requesting help with her essay, my heart skipped a beat or two. Well… We sat down together and I proofread her work. It was all getting a little intimate, hands brushing kind of stuff. So as she rose to go to her next class, I offered her my e-mail address saying that she could contact me any time. She replied that she didn’t use e-mail, and abruptly left the room.”
It’s not just Scholes’ wet fantasies that have dried up, his dreams of helping the school soccer team also took a dive after he saw that all the boys had already developed far beyond his mediocre skill set. “I think I got out of there with my dignity in one piece. These guys were nutmegging me, stealing the ball off me, and running rings around me. I blamed the pitch. Then I blamed the ball. Then I just feigned an injury and limped off.”
With no girl-on-girl or teacher-student shenanigans to speak of, and a reluctance to get back on the sports field, Scholes has decided to add another side to his flimsy personality by taking up hiking and photography, leading him to bore the hell out of his captive student audience with loads of mountain vista shots. Says Scholes, “What can I say? The students and staff have realized that there`s not much to me, which is true. But at the end of the day, I have to pretend to do something in my free time besides drinking beer, playing online games, and masturbating with gibbonesque regularity.”